Sunday was no different. This past couple of weeks has really kicked me down. Rough is a very pleasant way to describe my aching heart. All week I was looking forward to Sunday, to the moments of quiet, stillness and the Spirit while partaking of the sacrament. I prepared myself for those sweet moments all week and continually prayed that I would be blessed with an answer and peace.
As the first speaker stood up, I felt his eyes connect with mine and my heart almost leaped. I could feel that the message he was going to give was written for me, by my Father in Heaven. I said a quick prayer that I would be able to really hear and understand the message the Father had for me and prayed that the speaker may be able to adequately deliver the message and inspiration that he was receiving from our Father in Heaven.
As this sweet return missionary spoke, I clung to each and every word. I felt the counsel as if it were the Savior talking to me, giving me a guideline of what to do and answering my questions.
Some of the counsel given was to:
-Keep my eyes directly on my Savior, look forward not around me
-If I were to focus solely on my relationship with Him, that the peace and joy would return to my life.
-I must learn to let go and hand over to the Savior the things which I cannot control
-For the time being, I must learn to live life how it is now, which isn't a lot of fun
-This isn't the season in my life for healing, not organizing, not doing, it is my time to sit, be still and be taught
-Promised that someday I would understand and teach others because of my experiences
-For now, all I need to do is hand my life over to the Savior, keep my eyes, heart and soul firmly fixed on Him and trust He will do with my life what is best.
-All I can do or must do is trust Him and try my best to walk
-When I am too weak to walk, I must rest
Tears flowed later that evening and Thomas and I talked. I realized in my heart that this trial, this complete walk of faith, is not close to being over. It is not ending. It is not getting better. I will continue to pass out, I will continue to have seizures. I will continue to be so exhausted, I will struggle to pull myself off the couch. I will continue to need help, lots of help. But, for whatever is in my future, I need this, or at least, the Lord needs me to go through this experience.
What I have been able to do in the past 48 hours is:
Let go.... let go of trying to fix this.
Stop looking on the internet and calling doctors trying to get answers.
Accept. Accept that although this is not the life I wanted or dreamed of, I still have a life. I am still a mom to Hayden and a wife to Thomas.
Plan. My plans have changed. They now consist of teaching, sharing experiences and making sure that Hayden is as knowledgeable about the gospel as possible.
Teach. I can still teach. I can write. I can use this time of being confined to the couch/bed in the afternoon and evenings to really convey my thoughts.
Keep a scripture journal. I can read. I can write. I can create a journal for Hayden that lets him know how his mother felt about the scriptures, verse by verse, topic by topic.
Trust. I can trust that my Father in Heaven brought me to this trial, this point in my life, he blessed me with experiences to be able to handle this new trial. He has brought me through each and every trial before this one and I KNOW He will bring me through this one.
Love. I may not be able to do what I could before but I can love those around me with all my heart. I can appreciate them. I can pray for them.
My lesson or answer came I am sure like many other peoples'.... the situation is not changing, I must conquer this fight. The challenge was not lessened. I still am sick. I will still struggle with my health.