I try to remain positive because I have known that if I allow myself to slip into a deep depression that I have no way of climbing back out of it. My body is just too weak.
I have so much greater understanding of life and why I am here now. Spending a lot of time alone, I have had to rely on my Savior and those he sends to attend to me. With that, valuable knowledge has come. I am really beginning to know who I am. Not as the world sees the worth of a person. Lucky for me that does not play into it. For in the world's view, I no longer have worth. There is no longer a need for my existence besides a burden being placed on those whom I dearly love.
However, in my Savior's eyes, I am his daughter. I am a child of God, literally, in every sense.
With that knowledge and greater understanding, comes an added power, an added responsibility.
I have had the unique opportunity to see myself as my Savior sees me. He has shown me my flaws and weaknesses so that I can overcome them and better myself. He has also lovingly pointed out my strengths so that I can use those qualities to help keep me here on this earth, continuing in the struggle and fight of my life.
As the Savior shows us ourselves, based on how He sees us,eyes of understanding are opened and additional strength comes.
Even with all of these extra blessings, opportunities and gifts, the body and flesh is still weak. My body gets so tired it screams out for relief. My body is in constant torment. Excruciating pain engulfs my body at most any given moment.
With that, it is sometimes difficult to see beyond the pain, past the moment and feel anything but the thrashing torment that plagues my body. And I do succumb to the feelings of frustration, despair, hopelessness and almost give up.
This has been one of those weeks.
I spent so much time hoping and praying that Cali would bring relief. A break from seizures. A vacation from pain. A time being able to just be me again, a least a little glimmer of me.
Instead, my reality slapped me in the face. I was keenly aware of how much sicker and weaker I have become over the last year. The things I could do last year vs. this year were so greatly diminished. The pain cried out with each activity I tried to endure. I plastered a smile on my face and tried my hardest to not show how I was feeling. Some to protect those around me and some because I was facing the extent of my reality and situation for the first time. I was so afraid of completely losing it and didn't want to ruin anyone's vacation.
This week I have been primarily alone. Hayden started school, Thomas went back to work and I was alone. Alone with my fears, alone with my reality and alone to try to figure out where to go.
My writing this is to be honest. To show that no matter how hard I try and how much I want to stay positive and hopeful and ok with my situation in life, that it is hard. Just as all trials we each face are hard and push us beyond our comfort zones. They try us and push us well beyond anything we think we could face. I am no different.
Yes. I am in constant prayer. I plead with my Father in Heaven every day, sometimes hundreds of times a day to help me. I have learned utter and complete dependence on my Savior. I know I needed to.
I have been so humbled. I have been the recipient of so much good. I have had so many incredible tender mercies sent by my Savior. I have been surrounded by loved ones.
I am hoping that I am able to pull myself out of the hopelessness that has taken hold of my heart and soul. I know it is a bad place for me to be. I know my body cannot hold out long trying to conquer the physical ailments it must along with the emotional stress currently piled on. I'm trying. It is hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.
I am doing all I know how to do to pull myself from this endless torment that has taken hold of me. I am spending my days pleading with my Savior. I am reading his words.
Along with my Savior, Hayden brings out the best of me. He helps me to reach down and find strength and hope. He believes in me. And more than anything, I want to be here to experience all the great things that are coming into his life. I want to be here to ease the blows of the years coming up. I want to help him be able to help him navigate the rocky waters that surely will try to engulf him in the coming years.
Bottom line, with what little strength and hope and stamina I have left, I will continue to try and gain control over my body. I will try my best.
Prayers are appreciated. I'm really struggling to conquer this on my own. Hugs to all of you for all you have done to make this earthly walk easier. And more joyous. I feel so blessed to have had the great life I have been given. I would do it all again. Love, Jerlyn