Friday, March 21, 2014
My little Maya Belle. She is a character and a half. Wow O Wowzeers is she crazy and full of it.
She is a collector. She collects and finds everything. And everything she finds gets chewed. Everything. She always brings me "presents".
She pulls and gathers weeds. Brings me rocks. Bugs. Crayons. Legos. Trash. Anything and everything she can find.
A week ago, she was up in the morning, running, jumping, terrorizing the house and Max.
About 10 am, she calmed a took a nap. When she awoke, something wasn't right. I looked at her and next to her was a partial bee. Great. I called the vet. They told me to watch for blood, vomiting and diarrhea. He vomited. I called the vet. They said just hold her and wait. I did. But panicked and called Thomas. He said if anything else happens take her in.
Hayden followed her to the bathroom outside. All of a sudden, I hear Hayden screaming, Mom!!! Bloody diarrhea. Then she started shaking all over. Hard. Almost convulsions.
The vet said to being her in in about an hour and we would be worked in.
Hmmm. I cannot drive. I can't be out in public. Luckily Julie was over. Thomas had to leave work an hour early to meet us at the vet.
They were sure it was. Parvo and we were devastated at the possibility of losing her and Max.
I was so scared. So heartbroken. Nurses began taking care of her and running tests. Thank heavens for the well puppy plan with all included visits. One by one tests came back. Parvovirus negative. And so on. After a shot of Benadryl to relieve the allergic reaction to the bee and shot to stop her stomach convulsions, 3 hours and almost $100 later, Thomas and sick little Maya were on their way home.
She shook. She cuddled. She didn't move at all.
Max stayed up with her. He rested his head by her. He even let. Maya lie her head in him. So sweet. So tender. The love between them is amazing.
I realized in those moments how attached I have gotten to her. How much. I love her. How much I needed these little pups in my life.
They bring joy to a whole new level. We love them. The next day, Maya was back up to her shenanigans. Hyper. Running. Prancing. And full of it. We all smiled. We love our little fur ball, or bundle of joy and the love they have brought to our hearts.
What a beautiful thought..... Safety.
My Father in Heaven has definitely pushed me off the cliff. He has told me it was time to fly. As I am flying, like Peter walking on water, I have panicked. I have started flapping my arms and flailing and falling. As I do, the Savior has immediately wrapped me in his arms. He has caught me. And once safely in his arms, I relax. I am safe.
I'm not so scared of the edge. Because walking in the edge, means I'll be wrapped in the arms of my Savior until that glorious day, that I can spread my own wings and fly and soar.
I love this!
It is so true! Anything worthwhile does take time. Gaining a closer relationship with the Savior. Developing talents. Overcoming bad habits. Parenting. Developing a rock solid marriage. Learning.
Patience. I do not think anyone that has worked on developing patience has walked an easy road in doing so. Patience is hard. It takes all one has. It is a daily struggle to learn to have patience. Patience, to me, is trying your best each day, giving it your all, having the best attitude possible, while waiting upon The Lord.
Determination, like patience, requires self control and dedication. To be determined is to not allow life and it's daily struggles and challenges, to keep you from obtaining your goals.
I'm grateful that the Savior has been patient with me and has been determined to help me walk my path in life.
I have learned the value of patience and determination.
I continue to learn both of these values each and every day. They play a critical role in my walk to health. In my walk to conquer this illness. And in my ability to keep breathing. Keep going. Keep walking.
I'm so very grateful! I am grateful that my dear Savior has given up on me. He is the ultimate example of patience and determination. They are my daily goals. To walk in patience,determination, gratitude and grace.
As I was scrolling thru Facebook the other day, I saw this quote. I read it. I smiled. I found myself scrolling back up to read it again.
Life sometimes is overwhelming. It feels like it is spiraling out of control.
It reminded me of President Uctdorf's talk on trials. He said that when hard and massive trials come, sometimes what you need it to cut back to only the daily necessities, cut out the extras, and just hold on and endure.
I have learned that so clearly this past year. Sometimes hard, overwhelming trials hit. You can't do it all. Sometimes, it is okay to just to hold on tight, keep breathing, trust the Savior and cling to him. Sometimes that is all you can do. Thank heavens, our dear Savior, only requires our all. He will make up the rest.
I've had many a days that all I could do is breathe. I've learned to let go of a lot. I've learned to trust. I've learned to take each day, do the best I can, and at the end of the night, kneel down, offer my all to my Savior, make peace with my day, let go of any insecurity and doubt in myself and trust that the Savior can take my best and with his help, make my offering and my all, enough.
Such peace has come since I have learned that my all is enough. And I have had many many many days that my ebay was to just keep breathing.
I posted this on Instagram stating that I think I should be able to bench press a car or even more realistic that I am so done. That our dear Savior must be carrying me. I'm too tired to walk. I'm too tired to fight. I'm in too much pain to keep walking. And I am on the brink of throwing in the towel.
So many people commented and showed love, strength and encouragement. I am so blessed.
Most days, I am able to face the challenges, with help from my Savior and those around me. I know that my loving Savior will pick up where I leave off. I know there are ao many around me that pick me up, encourage me and strengthen me to keep going.
But someways, it feels as if the word is unrelenting. The trials feel stacked and unbearably heavy. The road seems too steep, too rocky and with absolutely too many smaller trials set along the path. Unbearable is the extreme emotion felt.
Towards the end of last week, I really began questioning myself and how much more fight I had in me. What will I do? How will I possibly endure any more? And why does my Savior have so much trust in me? I really doubted myself.
Luckily, I'm surrounded with love. I'm surrounded by help. I'm surrounded by those that love me. And my Savior and Father in Heaven are kind and gentle. They are patient with me and love me.
I felt the strength of those around me. Their faith. Their love. Their strength. And their testimonies helped to strengthen mine. Once again, the Savior, carried me. Until I wa comforted. Until I was again ok to walk with him.
I may have days where I feel lie "stick a fork in me, I am done." But my Savior and Father in Heaven love me, even in my darkest and most terrifying hours.
I love my Savior. I love my Father In Heaven. I love my sweet husband. I love my precious son. I love all those amazing friends and family that wrap me in their arms of love and words of prayer. It makes all the difference.
Five days after Jodi moved to Glendale, I received a phone call from my sister. Sad. Stressed out.
She needed me.
She drove out. We only were able to spend a few short hours together. But. It was what both of us needed. I needed to know if there was a problem, she could come. And she needed to know that I was available when/if she needed me.
It touched my heart like no other thing.
I have needed Jodi so much. This entire move, I kept thinking that what would I do without Jodi. I needed her so much. She is my treasured sister that I love and adore.
That morning, when Jodi cried and said she needed me, I was so touched. So relieved. So thrilled. No. I don't want her to be sad. Ever. But to be needed. Wanted. Cherished. Oh. Oh that was exactly what my broken little heart needed. I needed to know that Jodi wouldn't just come if I needed her,but there would be times when she came because she needs me.
Sisters... Precious. But mine.... She is the absolute best! I love her with all of my heart.
Brooklyn came to visit shortly after they moved to Glendale. Brooklyn was begging for Hayden and missing him like crazy. Hayden, likewise, was missing Brooklyn. I loved listening to them together.
Jodi and I wondered if they would ever become friends when they were younger. Now. They are best of buddies. They love one another. They get along great. They have each other's backs. They are the best of friends. And would honestly rather be with each other than almost anyone else.
I love these smiles. I love the joy. I love their friendship. And I love the bonds that tie them together. I pray they will always be friends and close.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
The day that Jodi moved to Glendale, Lisa called to say that she wanted to move to Arizona and more than that, she was going to out an offer on the house right down the street.
Seven doors down this amazing house is available. Lisa flew in on Sunday. Saw the house on Monday. Made an offer Monday night and opened escrow on Tuesday.
Lisa, Robert and Chad will move in, right down the street, in April.
We are excited for them to be so close.
The house is adorable. Can't wait. Hayden is on a serious countdown. His dream. Living close to Chad.
When The Lord closes one door, he opens another. He meets our needs. He provides for us. He strengthens us. And he lets us know that what he has ahead of us is better than what he has asked us to leave behind.
If. I could describe these pups and their personalities, it would be personality plus. They are fun. Full of it. Playful. Loving. Energetic. And in to everything.
Saying goodbye to my little buddy was almost as hard as saying goodbye to his mom. I love him. I adore him. He is my precious little angel. I will miss our weekly movie dates. Our cuddles. Our precious time together. He bring me so much joy.
Welcome to nap time in the Murphy household.
If I fall asleep on the couch, they both lay on my legs or back. I guess I am comfy. Or they make sure I do not go anywhere without them. We sleep for hours this way.
Or if I go in my room to lay on the bed, I tell the pups that it's bedtime. They follow me in the room. Max climbs in on my left side. Maya on my right. I lay down. Both cuddle next to me. Both stay until I wake up or Hayden gets home.
I love that they keep me company. I love that I am not always alone. These two love me unconditionally.
They follow me everywhere....to the bathroom....to the door....to my bed....to the couch....and their favorite....the refrigerator.
Who knew that a little 8 pound chihuahua terrier mix little boy and a 4 pound toy chihuahua terrier mix baby girl, could bring such comfort and peace and joy and love to my life.
Love love love this.
It is my goal. I strive each and every day to achieve this.
Storms rage. The world can be a scary place. I want our home to be one of peace and safety and security where love abounds and the Spirit can be found. A place where love exists. A love between family and friends. Complete trust in the Savior. Our own little sanctuary. Our own little slice if Heaven. It is a work in progress. But we are trying. Each day. Each moment. To try to bring our lives in harmony with our Savior.
I love that our dear prophet leads and guides us and teaches us. I love that the storms should be stopped at the door. That peace should conquer the storm within our sacred walls.
I have not been able to attend the temple since I have been sick. It breaks my heart and something I long to be able to do again. So my goal each day is to have the Spirit be felt so strongly in our home that it will be our own temple. Our own worshipping place. Our place where we seek the Spirit. Our sanctuary from the trials and tribulations of the world. Our place or peace where we can seek the Savior's will for our lives, study his words, and receive the much needed inspiration to guide and direct our lives.
One of my greatest wishes and truest desires is that our home be a place where the Spirit of our Heavenly Father can dwell. Where family and friends and loved ones can come to find refuge from the storms. That it may be a place where all who come within may partake of our Savior's love. That our home be a place where Heaven and earth can meet. Where order and cleanliness and spotless ness from the world exists. Where the Savior can send his Spirit, his angels to protect us, guide us, teach us, bring us peace and be able to wrap us in the arms of his love.
We are far from this goal but draw closer each day as we learn to trust him. As we learn to be more obedient. As we draw closer to him in prayer. And really listen and seek his council through the scriptures.
Hayden spent most of spring break sick.
First strep. Then bronchitis. Sinus infection. Inflamed lungs and nasal cavities.
I gave up. Used antibiotics. He is still sick. Over two weeks and counting.
I feel so bad for him.
Wherever he goes, his little pups follow. They love and adore them.
I hate it when he gets so sick. But I do love that he is oh so very very loved by his little buddies.
So Friday night, preparing for Jodi's move the next day, with me being very limited on helping capabilities, the best way I could help was keeping Talmage and Coco.
Easier said than done.
Add a very stressed Talmage due to confusion of moving, a son with strep throat, three dogs that do not get along and a mom that had totally overdone it. Not such a great combination.
Friday night we spent time trying to get Max, Maya and Coco to become friends. It was better than the last time but all three felt the need for attention.
Talmage and Hayden finally settled down at about midnight. Coco cried. Max barked because another dog was in the house. And Maya just thought it was play time. A little after midnight, absolutely exhausted, I completely crashed.
I was not expecting what happened less than three short hours later.
Hayden woke me up struggling to breathe and crying with a sore throat. I dragged myself out of bed because I wanted Thomas to get sleep so he could help move all day. I gave Hayden meds, applied oils on him and me and tried to lay back down.
Hayden couldn't breathe so we moved to the couch. For the first time in a long time, he wanted to be held. I let him sit as close to me as I could tolerate without the intense pain from the pressure of being touched or leaned on.
However, the commotion of getting set up on the couch awakened Coco. Max, who follows me wherever I go at night was already out on the couch with Hayden and me, curled in my lap. Coco started pawing at the door. I didn't want him to wake Talmage or Thomas so I went and got him. I placed Max in between me and Hayden and held Coco on my left side. Just as we started to settle in, Maya awoke due to a few snarls from Max and Coco. I carried Max with me to get Maya before she awoke anyone else.
I am now sitting on the couch, Hayden cuddled in on my right side with Maya on his lap, Coco on my left side and Max on my lap. I think we finally have sleeping arranged and the dogs calm and Hayden out of breathing issues.
No kidding. As soon as I closed my eyes, Talmage comes running out crying and confused.
He dives on my lap, taking out all three dogs in the process. Still completely unsure of how he was able to so that. Once again, all three dogs are snarling and hushed tones of growling coming out of them. We rearrange with both Talmage and Hayden needing me to be touching/holding them.
We settle in with Talmage on my lap, Hayden now cuddled in closer because if Talmage is getting attention, he must have equal or more closeness. Maya on Talmage. Max under the covers on my lap, and Coco on my legs. Party on mom at 3 am.
Thomas woke up at 4:30 am and walked out to this. After taking a quick picture, I begged him to unpile me. The pain and pressure was awful. I had to stand.
I texted Jodi early in the morning explaining that Thomas would be there without Hayden. I needed Hayden to take care of Talmage and dogs as I would be completely incompaciatated for days.
My text read...I am definitely not cut out to be a mom of two boys and three dogs.
She laughed and laughed.
The reality.....by Sunday morning, because of the lack of sleep, totally overdoing it and stress of it all, the seizures had been rolling since Saturday morning.
I will look at this picture months and years from now and laugh. Laugh at the craziness of my night.
And regardless...I loved that I got to cuddle with Tman one last night before he moved.
Love these boys.....all of them. Love the crazy and sometimes unbelievable moments we are able to create.
As if I wasn't dealing with enough in life the day before Jodi moved, I received a call from a hysterical Hayden when Suzi picked him up from school. All the worst ran them my head. Car wreck. Hurt. Who knows? As I said to calm down, with tears uncontrollably streaming down his face and a trembling in his voice, I heard him mutter, "detention". I said what? He said, "mom, I got detention and I don't even know what I did wrong?"
I was so confused. This is my boy. The one who has never even had his name on the board. Never a card turned. Never a reprimand at school. What happened?
He said the recess aide asked him if a jacket laying on the ground was his, he said no, I left mine at home and giggled cause I felt weird. The aide told. Mr. Dillion I said it rudely. But I didn't mom. I tried to talk to Mr.Dillon but he got mad and said I talked back and was snarky. The tears again started even harder as he said, "and he got really mad when I asked him what snarky meant." He continued, with he didn't understand what he did wrong.
As the story unfolded more, tears began streaming down his face. Ms. T stopped him and he relayed the events again saying he didn't understand. She sent him to sit down and told him to report to detention and deal with it.
Of course, being in sixth grade, it is not okay to cry. The teasing started. The teachers did nothing.
A speech substitute pulled him out of class for his therapy. She tried to talk to him but didn't know what to do.
What everyone missed was Hayden has never been in trouble so therefore didn't know how to handle it at school. To him, detention might as well be a prison sentence. Detention = horribly bad act. He was devastated. No one explained what was wrong or what he should have done.
Even more so, it specifically says in his IEP that if he cries or is upset, send him to the office so it limits bullying. Also, that if he gets in trouble, instead of yelling or anger, he needs to be explained what he did wrong, the situation, how he should have handled it, etc. AND I am to be called so we can reinforce and explain at home.
No one followed procedures. First. The aide reacted unfairly saying that she wasn't directly talking to. Hayden but in general and he shouldn't have said anything. However, Hayden has not idea if it was directed at him or not. He genuinely thought it was aimed at him. Not being a smart alec but genuinely thought he was spoken to. Then, his teacher for over six months didn't take. Hayden's past track record into account nor the IEP but just reacted. Then his teacher, who should have been tolerant and sympathetic, she had. Hayden all last year, should have tried to comfort, understand, send him to the office, anything besides add the humiliation of tears and bullying to the list of injustices. Then the poor speech substitute tried to comfort but I wish would have at least talked to the principal or someone. He was sobbing.
I called the principal. She said, "Hayden??? He has never been in trouble. He is the most respectful and obedient boy in the school. I'll get to the bottom of it."
Instead of returning my call, I received an email from the teacher. Telling me I was a helicopter patent and couldn't handle that my son could get in trouble. I lost it. I sent an email of all emails to him, his home room teacher and the principal.
I explained that this was Hayden's third run in with this aide. 1) Hayden was body slammed to the ground by an 8th grader. He told the aide and she told Hayden to stay away from them. Did nothing to the other child. 2) A bunch of seventh and sixth grade boys all took balls at recess and one said, "watch this" and they each chucked balls at Hayden and laughed that he couldn't catch them. Again. The aide told. Hayden to avoid them and did nothing to these boys. 3) so when this aide spoke to Hayden, he was obviously scared, nervous and stressed.
And, almost every student in Hayden's class went to the teacher and said that Hayden didn't do anything wrong. The aide was at fault. Not Hayden.
I am not saying that Hayden does everything right. I think it was handled wrong. I was upset that he still doesn't understand what happened and what he did or what he should have done.
Needless to say, Hayden is not looking forward to going back to school. He is stressed. He doesn't feel safe. He is fearful. It breaks my heart.
I wish I had th energy and stamina to home school him. I wish I knew if it would be best. I hate sending him to a place where he is fearful. Where he is bullied. Where his self esteem struggles.
I love my boy with all my heart and this is killing me.
The day before my best friend and sister moved from around the corner to the other side of the valley, I utilized every ounce of strength I had to go spend the last morning in her home with her.
I sat on her bed. Not a lot of help. My biggest contribution was sorting and matching socks while lying on the bed. Talmage helped. He put them in baskets and in the trash. He lifted.
As I sat on her bed, memories flooded thru my mind. All of the moments of the past 9 years rushed my mind. From the day I helped unpack her kitchen, to holding Brigham for the first time, canning chicken, family parties, birthday parties, dropping off Hayden while I went to work, cleaning her house before she brought Talmage home, cuddling with her babies, sitting on the couch with all the kids and our many many many hours of chatting and just being together.
I was so grateful for the years we were blessed to be so close.
So close that from a phone call with her telling me Brooklyn needed stitches and us needing Brigham, we were there in less than 4 minutes.
So close that she would check on me every day. Bring me diet cokes. Take me to thousands of doctors appointments. Drop by...just because. Drop off kids on a moments notice. Stop by for a hug. Be there physically to comfort one another they failed adoptions, miscarriages, heartaches, sicknesses, and just bad days. There to celebrate the little victories in life. The first person to call to tell the greatest achievements to. And treasured meeting at the park to talk while the kids played.
As I physically could not endure anymore and had to leave, I was so so so sad.
Saying goodbye to my dear sister, her home and the memories, were almost more than I could endure. My heart shattered into a million little fragments. I felt the separation coming....physically.
I will miss her dearly. Words cannot describe adequately the comfort that having Jodi so close brought to me. Just knowing I could see her anyway brought relief, comfort and solace to my heart. I felt secure. Safe. I knew she would drop anything if I really needed her. She would be there in minutes.
What I wasn't expecting was the added will or determination that her moving brought to my heart. Throughout my illness, I knew if anything happened to me that Jodi would step up and love Hayden as her own. She would help to make sure he was taken care of and okay. It brought such security and peace to me as I brushed death on many occasions.
There are so many that would step up and help. Who have. I'm not belittling any of their valued efforts. I guess it awakened something inside of me. I need to survive. I need to live. But I digress.
I have been blessed with the greatest sister. I believe wholeheartedly that because we would not have a mom to help us navigate this life for long, that our dear Savior blessed us with one another. I'm grateful for her. All the ways that she has enriched and blessed and beautified my life. She is a lifesaver in so many ways.
I know we will always be close. I know that I will still talk to her everyday. I know that if I ever really need her, she will still do whatever she possibly can to be there for me and Hayden. I will miss her everyday. But will cherish even more the moments we get to spend together.
Saying goodbye.... One of the hardest things I have ever had to do. (Tears stream down my face as I write this. As the reality if it all is setting in more and more.)
That being said, I know that Jodi is following the Savior. I know that she was inspired to move. I know this was the will of our Savior. I am so proud of her and her willingness to walk into the darkness trusting that the Savior will light the path as she takes one step at a time. I know she is bringing her family closer together and closer to our Savior. I know that she will have trials that are unrecognizable at the moment. That she will gain a greater testimony and greater faith in the Savior as she walks this next phase of her life. I am so proud of her and the choices she is making. She is following the Savior. She is about his business. And to me, that matters more than us living close. It matters more than the security of her living near me. It matters more to me than the comfort of her near me. Because I understand the importance of following the Savior even when I do not understand. I trust him. I know he never asks us to leave anything behind that is better than what lies ahead.
Mortality is short. Eternity is long.
I want my sister and my precious niece and nephews with me in the Celestial Kingdom. I want to be together for eternity. I know in doing this, Jodi is teaching her children that when the Savior calls, you answer. He teaches us to trust him. He lets us know that he won't ever leave us. He won't move away. He won't ever leave. He won't ever move. He is always near. And ultimately, He is the one we need to rely on for peace, security, comfort and support. Both of us are learning that lesson right now.
Thank you, Jodi for giving of yourself and constantly being such a support to me. I love you more than you will ever know.
One of Hayden's favorite games. He always schools me. He has a lucky roller hand. First time ever that I beat my little punk.
Two Yahtzees, back to back, both with all 5's. Sweet.
Just as I thought I was destined to win, Hayden rolled a Yahtzee.
I still thought I had him beat....after all....I had the bonus. Yahtzee.
I won but not a landslide.
Oh how the pups love their boy.
Every morning as he brings Maya into our bed with Max, they attack him. The kiss him to death. They give him wet willies. They play with him. They wrestle. They jump all over him. He gets kisses and love. Good morning, Hayden! At least you know you are loved and adored.
Spending almost all of our free time at home means crazy antics from the boy.
He loves Psych. He loves to be funny. He loves to tease. He loves to play practical jokes. Better yet, the puppies are always willing to help. Hayden honestly believes that his dad's bald head is lucky. He thinks that with his mind and his dad's head, he can be as psychic as Shawn Spencer.
These four .... My husband....my son....my Max....and our little baby Maya. They are my world. My life. My joy. My sanity. My hope. My strength. My heart. My love. My life.
I'm grateful for each and every moment I get to spend with them. I am grateful they are willing to give up fun activities outside the home so that they can be with me. They never guilt me. They never act like I am a problem. They never make me feel horrible for what is. They love and accept me unconditionally and make the most out of our moments together. They are my greatest blessings and joys.