Tuesday, May 31, 2016


My son be his humor cracks me up. We loved watching house together. So when he found we could search Pinterest for House quote so, the laughter in our home was audible and loud and we rolled on the bed laughing. Oh my boy. He is so fun. He makes me laugh. When Hayden saw this, there was audible laughing for a good ten ok us minutes. 

My buy. Oh how I love him. He keeps me smiling. And I am oh so grateful. 

Stoke #2

I wasn't expecting when we called the doctor and told him something was wrong, that I would be given such bad news. 
1) massive stroke that severed the frontal lobe causing huge disconnect. Along with severe cognitive issues and physical issues. My spelling is backwards. My tripping and falling has increased dramatically. 
2) severe chemo toxicity poisoning. I am having severe issues. Which has caused kidney and liver failure and anemia and so much more. 

I'm in trouble. My body is shutting down. They don't know if this is going to be the big thing that takes me out. I'm holding on. I am trying to hold on. I am fighting. I am trying to to be strong. 

I see my Savior's hand in my life.  He saved my life. He protected me. I am so grateful. He allowed me more time with those I love. He gave me more time. More of everything. 
I am so grateful for Him.  

Hayden asked Why did the Saviorlet you get so bad? We explained that we wouldn't have known if it hadn't got so bad that we had to ask the doctor. And without asking, I could have gotten work. Without me being so bad, our Savior would have had to protect me every day from here on out. Once we figured it out, the intensity eased. Our savior knew then that I was safe. He let it get so bad, so I could get help. I am so grateful that Hayden asked why? Because then we could teach him what the Savior allows us to experience such heartache and hurt. Because the heartache takes us to a better place. 

Our Savior has protected me and allowed me just enough heartache to get help. It was awful. I cried and cried for weeks. I didn't think I would survive. It was heartbreaking. It was emotionally exhausting. It caused me to question everything. He allowed me to experience heartbreaking sorrow and emotional torment. But that caused me to call doctors. It caused me to seek help. It brought me even more often to my knees. 

I grateful for my Savior. He kept me alive during my massive stroke. He kept the trauma as ,I I,so as possible. 

I'm still fighting for my life. I'm fighting to live. 

Yet I know without my Savior, I wouldn't be here. I survived another stroke. I'm so grateful. 

Monday, May 30, 2016

My mom

Each year Mother's day comes and goes. Each year I am reminded that my mom is not here with me. Each year I realize that I have survived another year without her. Each year I calculate all the times I wish she had of been here, that I truly needed her. I wonder what my life would be like if she were here. I question it all.

This year, different feelings crossed my mine and plagued my heart. I spent each moment treasuring and cherishing the fact that I was blessed to be a mom. Not only that buy a mom to the most amazing son ever. I cherish being a mom more than anything. I love motherhood. I know my own mother did too.

Then, a heartache hit like a ton of bricks. did my mom know that her last mother's day would be her last? Did she know how much we would miss her? Did she mourn knowing she wouldn't face another Mother's day with us celebrating her?

Then I questioned how it was to leave a husband she adored and five children she cherished behind. Was she scared? Did she feel she had taught us enough? The right things? Did she feel she had told us enough times that we were loved and cherished?

Of course, my mom did all those things. She loved us with all her heart. She taught us the gospel of Jesus Christ. She taught us with love and raised us in kindness and love. All five of us, and my dad, love and adore her.

Yet, I found myself asking those questions. Am I enough? Have I done enough? Does Thomas and Hayden know how much I love them? Have I taught enough lessons? Taught how much I love and trust and cherish my Savior? How much I rely on the Holy Ghost? How much I know my Father in Heaven knows me and loves me? Have I given enough love? Have I taught Hayden the essential skills he needs to navigate life and a mission? Does he know how to treat others? Does he know how to find answers? to pray? to be a great friend? Will he always remember how much I love, adore and cherish him and his dad? Will he know that I have tried to always put the will of my savior and my loving Father in Heaven above my own, even when I have failed? Does he know that he and his dad are my world? My life? my joy? my hope? my tomorrows? and everything that makes me smile?

I found myself clinging to every moment and cherishing and remembering each one. Deep down I felt it may be my last. That next Mother's Day that Hayden would hurt and mourn like I have so many times. That he would feel lost and heartbroken and not know how he would make it through the day. Yet he would try to smile and be cheerful and full of energy knowing that his dad would also be hurting and filled with those same feelings.

I hope my treasured and beloved boys that I adore go away and have a great time and just avoid the day. I hope and pray they always know how much I love and adore them.

And, as was questioning how my mom felt and how I felt, I came to an amazing and cherished conclusion. Yes! My mom taught me all I needed to know in life. She taught me that I was a daughter of God. She taught me the gospel of Jesus Christ. She taught me that I was loved unconditionally, even beyond this life. That love lasted beyond the grave.

And I then realized that my mom has always been here, right next to me. She has played with Hayden and walked with me. She has comforted me when I received heartbreaking news at the doctor, My mom has walked with me and been there when no one else could. She walked the streets of Korea with me, she has been in Hayden's surgeries, she has dealt with and endured so much for me.

So, I have taught Hayden that I will never be far. Once a mom, always a mom. Always loving and cherishing him. Always near. Always helping. Alwasys giving him what he needs. I will absolutely be a help to our Savior and Holy Ghost whenever I can. I will always be close. And therefore, he will feel me.

Just like my mom, I will continue to be there from the other side. I will still love and encourage and send hope and love.

And although I may not see another Mother's day, and I may not physically walk with Hayden here and hold his hand on this precious day, I will be close.  So very close.

I pray he will be still and feel me close. I pray he will never doubt my undying love. I pray I was a good enough mom. I pray he will always know how much I love him!

And mom, to answer your questions, you are and were an amazing mom. You were more of a blessing in 17 years than most moms are in a lifetime. You taught me what I needed and gave me strength to learn the rest..

It has been a long walk without you. But, we have learned and become what you prayed for. Not perfect, but we all believe in our Savior. We know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. We do our best to follow him. We have tried to raise our children and pattern our lives after our Savior. Knowing we had an excellent example to follow.

You are and always have been enough, Mom! We cherish you1 We love you! We adore you! I only pray that I can do for Hayden what you have done for me. I love you, Mom!

And Thomas and Hayden, I love you with all my heart! Thomas, without you, I would have never been a mom. Thank you for making me the happiest and most loved wife around. And Hayden, being your mom brought me more joy than you can ever imagine. You are my world! and I love and adore you! To the moon and back, forever and always, I will be loving you!



I find myself asking this question a lot. Why? Followed by almost anything one can imagine.

Some of my favorite Why's , involve why we do the things we do, says the things we say and treat others the way we do.

Sure there are the why's that have to do with my illness and why things have to be so complicated. I understand we learn much by asking why and our lives containing why's yet usually the why's in our lives contain a lot of growth and learning.

Living in a bunch of why's is sometimes difficult. It takes all the strength we can muster. And, "Why's" leave us questioning, regardless of what has happened.

Of course, I have asked why my illness must go on so long, why I must endure such constant and excruciatingly painful disease, day in and day out. Why is it that the breaks from this disease last so short? Why the pain? Why the loneliness? Why the heartache?

Yet, there are other why's that are much more emotional and heartbreaking than others. Why did I get left out? Why am I not worth visiting? Why must I walk with so few caring if I live or die? Why must I endure such loneliness? Why must I walk this awful disease with my 14 year old son being the one to have to deal with such awful circumstances? Why this or why that?

I think my hardest is why doesn't anyone try to understand what heartache I face. And Why if they do get it, do they not just call or stop by or send a note or anything. Why is it so hard to find a friend after years of being sick.

And one of the very hardest, why's. is that I ask why I wasn't a good enough friend that I deserve to not matter any more. Why does not my years of service and carrying and being a good friend not buy me a few moments of kindness and true friendship now? Why must I walk so alone?Why must my life be a burden to others? Why? Why? Why?

I try not to let myself ask too many why's,

But why's are a part of human nature. We wonder. We ask questions. We look at our lives and wonder if things couldn't be different and we still learn the same lessons needed?

Today I received a thank you card but in it were filled with why's more than thanks and quoting misunderstandings and relations from other's than anything I had said or done. Simply someones unsolicited opinion effecting others. Why my illness affected their life. Why they hadn't planned on me being sick so long. And why my illness has been inconvenient and hard on them. Why my heartache and illness had negatively impacted them and how I no longer could do what I used to so therefore they were moving on. 

My heart broke. I cannot help my illness. I am what I am. I'm doing my best. Sure could others do better? Possibly. But, im giving my all. It's been a long hard road. A long illness. A long time. A lot of heartache. 

I ,pure who I once was. What my life used to entail. What I was able to do as a wife and mother. I mourn the loss. Yet. I also see the good this illness has brought. I see how my Savior has become my dearest friend. How my husband and son have stood by my side. How friends have been there for me. I see the good. 

My job is to stay strong and keep fighting even when I must ask why others treat me the way the way t trn to? Why must I walk alone some days?

Yes, I ask these questions. Yet, I am also grateful for all that has been given. I am grateful for those that care. 

It is a different life than I imagined. It has been hard. But it has also been the greatest gift as my Savior walks with me. My son and husband are wonderful. They are my joy. My Savior is the most amazing friend I could have. I'm so grateful for him. Life is good even when I am limited. It is joyful even when I am judged harshly by others. It is good even with my lack of understanding. I am grateful for my Savior. I'm grateful for my son and husbNd. I'm grateful for all the gifts I'm given regardless of my hurt and heartache. Life is good. 

Monday, May 23, 2016

Carry me

I cannot tell how many days that I cry out and beg for my Savior to carry me.

There is a point in my house that I often tell the Savior I can walk to. It is off the couch and before getting to the hall way. I pray as I get ready to stand. I tell my Savior that if I use every ounce of energy I have, that when I hit the corner of that piece of furniture, I will be done. I will literally collapse due to exhaustion and the illnesses that plague my body.

Time after time, one of two things occur. The first, I am given the strength to make it to my bedroom or the second option is he literally picks me up and carries me to my bed. Either way, I know his help is the only way I have made it.

Our Savior is willing to carry us in so many ways. He can offer physical help, as he does me, almost every day. He also offers me mental and emotional strength when I tell him the road has been too long, too windy and too rocky. On this journey he does one of tow things, again he strengthens me and lets me borrow his strength or he steadies me and helps me through it.

We are to rely on him in all things. Whether they be spiritual struggles, physical disabilities, emotional challenges or mental grief, the Savior is always there. There is no problem too big or too small that he is unwilling to help us bear.

I have had to rely on my Savior for physical help almost every day since this illness began. I face so many health challenges that I cannot endure or face alone. He helps me endure, gives me relief, or picks me up and carries me until I can stand again. He carries me so often. He lifts me out of my own head and allows me to see how he feels about me. Other days he carries me and allows me to see His hand in all aspects of my life.

Without him, there is no way I could endure these trials. Because of him and his willingness to help me, I am able to endure so much more than I would be able to on my own.

My Savior is my dearest friend, my closest support, my joy, my help, my happiness and my love. He Is my reason I am able to continue to walk this treacherous and rocky road. He carries me when it is too rocky and too hard.; He is my friend and loves me without end.

Because of him, I am able to stay here with those I love and adore. I love my Savior. I know he is the one who carries me when I can no longer stand.

And I know that he loves all his children like he does me. He is willing to carry all of us, or any of us. He knows each of us individually, our trials, our heartaches, our breaking points and when we just need to be cuddled in his arms in order to endure the harsh challenges and trials that we all face.

Quotes of hope

Love these so very much!!!!
We all have storms! We all have trials! We all have hard times.

We never ever know what someone else is required to walk or endure. So, our job is to be kind, Christlike and love unconditionally. No matter what!

I honestly believe if we could see each other's trials, we would be so much kinder to one another.

I believe that life would be better for all of us. We would realize that all have trials. Very hard things to endure and go through.

I also believe that if we all put our trials into a pile and we saw the truly heavy burdens that every one would carry, that we would chose our own back. Why? Not that our own are easy, but tailor made and challenged to do us the most good. It is what we are comfortable with. It is what we can handle.

Trials will be and are hard. they will take all we have. They will push us to our limits.

I was once told that God gives us nothing we cannot handle. Oh how I disagree. I believe that he gives us more that we can handle every single day. He simply knows that with him, all is doable. Our trials require us to utilize and call on our dear Savior's help. it requires us to be more like Him. It requires us to trust and cling to our Savior. And in doing so, our trials become difficult yet possible. I love this concept.

I promise that my trials are more difficult than I can handle. They are bigger and harder than me. The reason I succeed as well as I do is because of Him. He lifts me and carries me, he strengthens me and teaches me. He gives me aid when I need it. I am His and I matter to Him. So he helps me on my journey and carries me when I call for him. I am so grateful for the love of my Savior.

This is along the same lines. Most the time the Savior does not calm the stormy waters but calms my stormy life and soul. He calms me inside, not outside.I am most grateful when he whispers calm reassurances to my heart. HE calms my soul and allows me to continue down the path created for me. Because he loves me, he calms me, not the storm.

What a beautiful analogy and one I replay often. I am loved. I am cherished. I matter to my Savior. Because he loves me, he will calm me yet let me encounter the rocky and hard waves and trials of life. Because in conquering those storms, I become more Christlike and closer to him. And truly, that is what matters most, both to me and my loving Savior.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Happy place

I am missing my happy place. It is definitely time to go to the beach. I miss it like crazy. There is something about the waves, Those rhythmic waves. The sounds of the ocean rolling in and heading back to sea. The smell of salt water. The feel of sand on your toes. The joy that comes from seeing the familiarity of childhood. The peace that overcomes me as I feel the coolness of the water. The overwhelming feeling of my smallness when I look at the vast ocean. The love I feel for my Savior that he created such a beautiful earth. The reminder that I am known just like every sand on the beach.

All these things plus joy and laughter and family and fun and hope and more fills my heart with love and peace.   I believe heaven will be filled with oceanside views. Well, a girl can dream, can't she? Regardless, I know my heart feels the most home, the freest, the happiest and the most alive. My happiest place on this earth is the peac

I am counting days until I get to go back to this little slice of heaven.. the place I feel so close to my siblings, so close to my Savior.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Visiting Jodi and cute kids

I love getting to spend time with my sister and her sweet family. They are such precious joys in my life. They love me and I simply adore them. I always consider Jodi's kids my bonus kids. Simply heaven sent in my world. Joys beyond words.

Talmage and I spent the morning playing Zingo and building legos.

The cutest thing was him running up to me with two movie tickets and explaining how he got them. He was so excited to go to the movies with me. He said he saved the tickets for us. Man, he melts my heart. What a sweetie. (Bummer that we couldn't go.) Someday buddy, I promise we will go.

Brooklyn and Hayden are best buddies. They so enjoy one another. Doesn't matter what they are doing. Oh how I cherish their friendship. Of course, video games and Minecraft are on the top of their fun list.
I love that this little guy had to sleep by me. Even if it was on the floor near my bed.
And I am so proud of my sweet niece. She is simply so talented and hard working. She can do anything she sets her mind to. She is one amazing softball player. The next Jenny Finch.
Then there is my sweet Brigham boy! I love his tenderness. He loves my puppies like I do. He will be a vet or an engineer or an inventor. I love how his little mind works. How he thinks. and I love those tender and sweet hugs of his. He brings me such joy.

And of course, I love my sweet sister. She has been a saint. A joy. A help. A supporter. A friend. A shoulder to cry on. A comfort food maker. Supported me with cupcakes. And most of all just listened to me and told me I can do it. That is the most priceless of all. Knowing someone loves you and believes in you is the greatest of gifts. 

Crazy dogs

Seriously- All three puppies must sleep on my while I sleep. And Suzi's little Olivia must constantly give me kisses. I love them and am grateful for all the love they give me. I cannot imagine my life without these sweet little heavenly creatures. They are simply heaven sent and I am grateful for the laughter, joy and love that they bring into our home.

Thursday, May 19, 2016


This sweet nephew of mine seriously holds part of my heart in his. Oh how I love and adore him.

When I went to his house last time, he ran over with the scriptures. He said, "Tell me all the stories in here." So we talked of the different prophets. I explained who was named after whom. We talked of Joshua and the battle of Jericho. We made sounds of trumpets and brought down the walls. We talked of why Grandpa Scott and Grandma Sue would have wanted to name Uncle Josh after such an amazing prophet of God. We then talked of Uncle Jake's prophet, Jacob, in the Book of Mormon. We talked of how followed his righteous older brothers and his father and faithfully followed the Savior and became a great righteous man. We talked of the great prophet David and how he, smaller than the rest, kind of like Talmage, slayed the giant named Goliath. We talked of his righteousness and firm belief that the Savior would provide a way. We talked of how Uncle JD ( Jay David) was like this great prophet. Then he asked me who me and his mom were named after. Technically, I do not think I was, although for teaching purposes I claimed Aunt Jer was named after the great prophet Jeremiah. And of course his mom was named after the amazing and beloved prophet, Joseph Smith. We talked of his faithfulness and dedication to the Savior's work. I taught him how his mom was like him.

I later asked why he wanted me to teach him, He said, "Because I do not know anyone that loves the scriptures as much as you do." I told him how much I love the scriptures. How the Book of Mormon, the Holy Bible, the Doctrine and Covenants and Pearl of Great Price testify of our Savior, Jesus Christ. How I love my Savior and my testimony of the truthfulness contained in these books. It was a precious time for me. I love nothing more than teaching about our Savior. d the fact that my little buddy is willing to listen is simply priceless.

I love you, Talmage. Always remember that I know these books are holy scripture written by prophets of God. They testify of the divinity of Jesus Christ. They testify that he is our Savior. And our Redeemer. The holy scriptures contain important truths that teach us the way back home to our Savior. They teach about the plan of salvation. They teach of righteousness and peace and that our Savior dearly loves each of us. I do love the scriptures. And I absolutely with all my heart love my Savior. He lives. He loves us. He is there to comfort us. He listens when we pray. HE walks with us. Always follow him and you will be okay. I lvoe you my little buddy always and forever.

Talmage my buddy

This little buddy of mine continues to grow up even though he promised to stay my little buddy forever. He is so sweet. So tender. So sincere. And he loves me so much. I have said so often that Talmage was one of the few who benefited from my illness. I always cuddle with him, have time for movies, give tons of snuggles and can play games and just listen to all his stories. Me being sick is a blessing for him unlike most others.

Because of that, he brings me great joy. He helps me to remember that our Savior can use all of us, no matter our circumstances. That even though my life is spent in bed or on the couch that I still have value. When Talmage comes up and wants me, I feel alive again. I feel like I matter. Hayden and Talmage are the two that remind me that me, just the way I am, illness and all, is simply enough. I am so grateful for them and their gentle reminders to me. Their love keeps me going. Keeps me fighting.

I am so cherishing this time. I know I will blink and I will no longer matter to him. I will simply be another adult and an another aunt. I will be the aunt that cannot do but just sits. I hope that day is long in the future  but with each visit, I see it drawing closer.

So, I will soak in each and every moment that I can with my little buddy. I will cherish that he still wants me and loves me and allows me to cuddle with him. He holds a special place in my heart.

I know he is Jodi's son. but I thoroughly believe that the Savior knew how much I would need him and how much he would lift my spirits. I am hoping and praying that I have one more summer that he will still want me around. That he will still want to come to my house and have movie time with cuddles and one more summer where I am enough, just the way I am.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

My son

I love having Hayden home. I love looking over and seeing him next to me. I love seeing his face whether sleeping peacefully or awake smiling or learning. I le him being home. I love his friendship. I love his face. I love his kindness. I love his joyful smile. I love his sweet spirit. I love his relationship with his Savior. I love how he is obedient. I love how he chooses to be good. I love how his goal is to always hold to the iron rod. I love that he Serbs with all his heart. I love that he shares. I love how kind he is. I love how he treats me like. Queen.  I love how he adores his dad. I love how he has fun no matter what or where he is or what is happening. I love his smile. I love the way he loves me. 

I love you, Hayden! Thank you for bringing me so ,cut joy. You are my world. I love you!!!!


Mother's day dinner (on Saturday night) was delicious. Yummy!!!! We went to Sakur for Japanese food. We had delicious shrimp and filiey mignon and fried rice and grilled veggies was delicious. I was spoiled rotten. Such great food. So wonderful. I am so blessed. 


I told Thomas and Hayden that all I wanted for Mother's Day was to listen to running water. One simple request unless you are sitting in the valley of the sun. We looked everywhere. Our choice to drive to the beach which I would have loved yet too far for me to sit in a car. Only running streams were Tucson and north. Yet north was going to be cold. So to Tuscon we went. 

After a quick spot to Priceline, we found a four star hotel for less than a two star hotel price. We went and what was right on the property? But this stream with small waterfall. And the water fall was heavenly. The running water is perfect. It was just incredible. 

We sat and listened to the stream for a long time. 

The boys swam and I listened to the waterfall in the pool. It was perfect. Simply perfect. Best of all, I loved being with my boys. They are my world. And when I am with them, I am simply in heaven. 

Always there

I love my Savior. And although the road is hard and rocky and filled with hard paths, I testify that my Savior walks with me. And when the road gets too hard and too difficult, I know he carries me. 
Our Savior told us hat things would be difficult and hard. That trials would come. That we would be tested. We knew it would be hard. We knew it would be difficult. 
But the greatest blessing is he walks with us. He is always there. We can find him standing by U.S. Always. Especially when we call him. 
I testify he never leaves us alone. I testify he eases our burdens. I testify he is so close and wrapping his arms around us. He is carrying part of the burden. 
Just as he prepared the way for Moses by parting the Red Sea, he helps us. He doesn't make the burdens away. The Egyptians still chased Moses and his people. Yet a way was prepared that they could do what the Savior asks. We see this time & time again. Nephi testifies that he could do whatever the Savior asked. Joseph Smith's life was hard yet he testified of the Savior's help. 
I love this quote. I believe when we look back, our Savior will always be with us. Never leaving us alone. He is one who loves us with ok his heart. 

Playin games

I love playing games. It is something I have always loved and can still do. Playing with my sweet nieces, simply lovely. We played apples to apples and oh how the girls and Hayden crack me up. Their answers make me laugh. They bring me joy. Love them. Love them. 


My siblings are some of my greatest blessings. I treasure moments we re all together. I cherish them. There is something about knowing each other our entire lives. Loving one another since before you could walk or talk. Knowing your past, your path, your  whys and your reasons for doing things. For favorite foods and traditions Nd crazy childhood stories. For shared experiences and laughter and tears. For loving each other for the longest. For laughing at childhood shenanigans and knowing why we celebrate every holiday all the way. With too much food and tons of love and tons of decorations. We love each other's kids and spouses and lives. 

I'm grateful for,the bond of friendship and love. And how when push comes to shove we always have each other's back. 

These siblings and of course Josh and JD are some of ,y dearest and most cherished friends. Oh how I treasure and cherish them 

My sister is my best friend. My dearest supporter and most cherished confidant. She cheers me on and believes in me. She always tells me the truth. She is my cheerleader and the one who tells me to stop it. She loves me. And I am so grateful for that. She loves me with all her heart. She loves Hayden like he is her own. She trusts me. She calls me for advice. She laughs with me and. Cries with me. My successes and failures effect her like they do me. She feels how I feel. And. She believes in me. She loves me. She cares so much about me hat she will do anything for me. Even make a thousand cupcakes to raise money for ,e to get better. I love you with all ,y heart Jodi. Always me forever you will always be one of my greatest blessings and dearest supporters. And I love Jodi's children S if they are my own. She loves me and I love her. Completely. 

Josh is the straightest head. He thinks with his head and comes up with answers. He is reasonable and straight. He loves our Savior. He always tries to do,the right thing. He is level headed and calm in all situations. Then when he laughs, oh how he laughs full hearted with tears streaming down his face. I cherish that about him. That he laughs so hard at his own jokes that he can't even tell them. I'm grateful he loves me. Him stopping by for no reason. I Love that he has the most childhood me,sprites with me. Dressing him up, being clowns, playing tinker toys, forts and gingerbread houses Jd making donuts. I love you, Josh and am grateful for all the memories. 

Jake is my smile and my laughter. He knows how to make me smile when no one else can.  Her says, " Seeeesssttteeerrrr" with all the love in his heart. He calls me his "big seeesstteerr" and I love it. He loves he cherishes me. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He can pull me to a good mood faster than almost anyone.  He is happy and love. He is funny. Oh so. Crazy funny. He is love. He has the biggest heart. He thinks with hi heart. He is the first to try to figure out a problem and loves me. I know he us my back. I am forever grateful for his smiles and the way he loves and cherishes his big sister. 

Jd is my gospel giant brother. He has taught seminary and is bishop. He thinks so deep on a gospel level. I love his insights and understandings and thoughts. He is brilliant at the little things. He knows deepLay what the Savior tried to teach us. He is a great dad. As are all three of my brothers. JD Has been the one who seeks knowledge. He has pushed me to learn more and know more. He was my little buddy growing up and followed me around asking why. He prepared me for ,u own som and his questions. And whys and thirst for knowledge. Both love dumb Facts and crazy knowledge. Jd is sound. He is reason. He helps you think through your issues. He is a good brother. One I admire in so many ways. I love JD and his desire to understand our Savior. 

All of ,y siblings are different yet cherished. All have a tender and cherished placed in my heart. I love each of you. I pray you know that. You are loved and cherished and treasured by me. Each one of you has blessed my life in so many significant ways. I'm so grateful for you. I love you. Thanks for making my world a brighter and more beautiful place to live. 

New couch to us

So when you have a terrible myoclonic seizure, fall off the couch and hit your head in the metal part of the recliner, what does your husband do? Hit garage sale sights like crazy and find one more suitable for our (my) needs. If I have a seizure or stroke on this one, I am protected. No metal. All padding. He has me sit in the back right corner where I can fall into cushions. Plus it is the couch I have wanted for ever.
The. When you are great at selling things, you can sell your 15 year old, couch and love seat for the same price as this only 8 month old, barely used couch. We simply did a three way trade. Heavenly. Simply heavenly. 
As a bonus, it converts to a queen bed and is so comfy. I sleep there at least half the nights. 
Definitely a great purchase. And for same cost. Heavenly. We love it.

My son. My hero.

I love his boy. He is strong. He is my hero. He is such a huge part of me. He has a piece of me in him and there is. Piece of him in me. And both of us have Thomas in us. We are a family! We love one another!  We are thee for one another and will always be. 

We are never promised tomorrow. We are never promised more. Today must be enough. I'm learning to say what I want to say. Show feelings I want to show. Hug when we need hugs. And never let a precious moment pass by. 

I've learned to cherish each day. I've learned to find the good and joy in every moment. I've learned we don't always have tomorrow's. So we say what we want today. We cherish those we love. We say the words I love you. 

This boy and his dad Re my heroes. They are my world. They are my joy. My heart. My soul. My smiles. My peace 

There is no one I would rather spend my life with than these two. I'm blessed beyond measure.  Our lives have been more than I dreamed of. Better than hoped for. More blessings than I can count. 

Yet, we've had trials and heartache. We have experienced sadness and pain and grief. But we have held each other tight during the storms and weathered them together. Safely in one another's arms. 

For Thomas and Hayden sheltering me from some of the strongest storms p, I am forever grateful. The way they have held me hand and walked with me, simply heavenly. I love them more than words can express. They have made my world simply beautiful. 

The perfect storm.

This is what I wrote and shared on Instagram a couple weeks ago. Things have continued to get worse. I'm so sick. Life is knocking me down. But I'm still fighting. I'm going to win this battle. I simply won't give up. 

My puppies

Joy. Happiness. Comfort. Love. Peace. 
These puppies have been a blessing. A joy. A comforting reassurance that I am not alone. They are joy and fun. Hope and peace. Oh how they are so incredibly special to me. 

Friday, May 6, 2016

Scary day

What a scary day. 

First, Hayden and I were rock stars. Since I didn't have a ride, we walked to the lab. It wasn't far but considering I can't walk down the street, it was a feat. I felt so liberated. So alive. So not like an infant. It about killed me off but it was heavenly. Although, I walked in the house and fell on the couch. Simply collapsed. I slept for hours and hours. 

Then the scariest thing happened this afternoon. I quit  breathing completely. Hayden ran house to house and Thômas called to find someone to give me a blessing and go to ER. The doctors panicked. I was in horrific pain and so much fear. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't swallow. My air ways closed off. I was gasping for air. The itching began all over. My blood pressure dramatically dropped to coma stats. Anxiety took over. In fact, I stayed remarkably calm but had to be outside to feel oxygen moving. My feet and hands turned blue. 

No one was home. I couldn't call 911. I was so afraid they wouldn't let Hayden come. With np where for him to go, I knew fear would overcome him. 

So instead, Hayden and I knelt down and prayed. We pleaded for help. For relief. For a measure of a miracle to overcome me. Thomas left work. It was a long thirty minutes. So scary. 

I fought thru and told Thomas to head back before he got here. The panicked stopped and am deep exhaustion hit me. So tired. My blueness left. But the breathing still was restricted and hurt. 

The doctors believe a new problem has begun. On to more specialists next week. I'm praying they can stop this. They believe the anaphylaxis shock is due to all eating. For weeks, with each bite of food, my breathing has gotten worse. The last two days, simply awful. So a referral to a trachea doctor has become a priority. I am now praying. Ok pleading that a tracheotomy isn't necessary. If so, I don't think I can do it. I have fought so long and so hard. But a trachea port.  I just don't know if I am strong enough for that. I'd rather have a feeding tube and no longer eat. 

I'm so worried. My heart is aching. This disease just keeps becoming more damaged and more severe. It's been such a scary day for me and Thomas and Hayden. 

I'm grateful Thomas felt secure enough to leave me and go to Civil War with Hayden at the movies. Opening night and so important to Hayden. I'm grateful for a husband that trusts my health to our loving Savior. He knows when our Savior steps in and I will be ok. 

Prayers. Please. I need them so bad right now. I am terrified at what my future may be. I know there are only a few that read this but I believe in the power of prayer. I believe my Savior listens to prayers. I know He hears them. I've been the recipient of so many answered prayers. I pray that he protects me from this latest complication. I'm so scared. I just don't know how to handle this hurdle. And by the way, having a swelling reaction every time I eat, it isn't fun. Yet it is life. And I am grateful for life. 


The comfort this brings is beyond words. I cannot count the times that my Savior has gone after me and wrapped me in his loving arms. He lets me cry until I fall asleep and continues to hold me, reassure me that I am his and let me know how much he loves me. 

He has not qualifications. He doesn't require me to do a minimum before receiving his love. I have nothing to do or can do to disqualify myself. I am enough. 

And the love I feel is  beyond words. The comfort I receive just want I need and the love I feel is perfect. I am reminded that I am his precious child. I matter. I am enough. I am loved and cherished. 

I look forward to the day that I can look in his eyes and be wrapped in his love. No walls between us. No veil. No space. No time. And I can just sob and throw myself into his loving and perfect arms.  

I love you, my precious Savior. Thank you for loving me. 

Yard work

Julie came over to spend time with Hayden. When she got here, he was pulling weeds. She told me the yard desperately needed trimming. I told her that I knew and it was on Thomas' to do list. Problem is, his list is ginormous.

So, she asked if I had hedgers and trimmers. I thought so. She said that she would trim if Hayden cleaned up. What an answer to a prayer. Thomas is so allergic to yard and grass and weeds and shrubs. Every time he trims, it costs us a visit to at least urgent care with him so swollen he cannot breathe. He is miserable so it stays on the list when other things are so much more pressing.

So Julie and Hayden started to work. they trimmed bushes and shrubs and cut the tree branches. Hayden did as promised and helped trim but was on clean up alone. He did awesome.

I am so grateful for those that have the ability to see needs and fulfill them. For those that are willing to sacrifice for us. For those that care. For those that love us.

Hayden had fun learning. Thomas was in awe and filled with gratitude.

Hayden learned new skills and Thomas said that he probably understood trimming now more than he did. thank you, Julie for seeing a need and filling it. What a great surprise for Thomas. We are grateful beyond words.

My world

I wish I could truly express the joy that these three bring. My son is my hero, my biggest fan, my supporter, my joy, my heart, my laughter, my reason for fighting and my fun. These pups are comfort and unconditional love. They are constant reminders that I am not alone. Their cuddles bring me joy. They bring me hope. They love me when I am at my most unlovable.

They all have my back, always. They love me and I love them. What joy they bring. What hope they give. What sheer love they offer. I cannot look at this picture and not be filled with all that is good in the world. Because really, what else matters than to be loved by those you love with all your heart. The boy with that amazing smile, he is mine and I am his mother.

That to me is the greatest gift I could ever be given.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Tender mercy in the storm

Some days seem to be headed so wrong. Life doesn't go as planned. Heartache comes. People are hurtful. 

Then, someone walks in the door. She says exactly what you need to hear. What your heart longs for. 

This was my day. After a very rough morning of people judging me on how I handle things and being critical. A kind new friend walked in the door. One I had spoken to. One I had helped get into doctors. She came with dinner and roses. But her words was exactly what my heart needed. We spoke. She thanked me for my kindness. 

Then she said something I longed to hear. She said that she had been prompted to call me for over a week. She had a message for me. As she has prayed. She felt a message was to be delivered to me from our Heavenly Father. He wanted me to know I was loved. That he and my Savior loved me. That I am enough. That even though I have lost so much, that I am cherished and loved dearly by my Savior and Loving Father in Heaven. 

I was then reassured that my troubles were only mortal. In the heavens I would be exhaulted. I was doing the best thing by continuing to endure. I am loved by him. 

My heart calmed. My heart felt peace. My life was ok again. It didn't matter what others think. Because. My loving Father in Heaven and Savior know I am enough. I am loved. 

Nothing else matters. Life is hard. Trials take all we have. People judge. There are things that hurt deeply. 

But then the sun comes out again. My Savior wraps his arms around me. My loving Father in Heaven reassures me of his Love. And my heart is ok again. Because really??? Whatever else matters? When I am back in my loving Savior's arms again, all will be well. 

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Thomas birthday

My dear husband turned another year older. Life keeps ticking by, one year after the next. Some days it goes so slow but then we are celebrating another birthday.

This guy. He is my world. He is my light. My joy. My hope. My love. My Everything!

He is kind, helpful, loving, considerate, selfless, giving, sacrificing, thoughtful, humble, caring, and a million other wonderful qualities.

He is my joy! He makes me smile every single day. He keeps me laughing. He keeps life fun and exciting.

He also takes care of me. He makes me breakfast in bed every single morning of my life. He gets me a diet coke in the morning from Circle K. He works hard. He comes home and cleans and cooks and grocery shops and handles the bank account and works with my medical issues and so much more.

He is an amazing father. The absolute best! He is so great to Hayden. And he loves Hayden with all his heart. Not only does he love doing things with Hayden and playing with him. But he is always praying for him, trying to be a better example and better dad.

We love you, Thomas! You are our world.! Happy Birthday and year and everything. You are precious and dear to us.

Nuclear bins and strategic missile strikes

My Doctor appointment at the end of March was eventful. We discussed new seizure medications, new medications to ease the myclonic seizures, we talked of options for trying to ease the neuropathic nerve pain that has me absolutely wanting to crawl into a ball and nerve leave, it is getting so intense., we discussed a couple of different clinical trials, genetic testing and then increasing my current chemo and adding a second to it. I was overwhelmed and confused!

After 3 pages of notes, I asked for clarification on a few things. My neurologist, a great guy, distinguished and top notch in his field, leaned back and started to use his hands.

He explained it this way...Right now, we have you on a chemo medication that is like a nuclear bomb. It goes in and destroys everything. Our hope is that it will kill or destroy everything in its path, therefore taking out the bad with the good. The second chemo medication we want to put you on is more like an assault strike. It goes in and targets only the lymphoma cells. Leaving the rest of the cells in tact.

So right now we are hitting you with one nuclear bomb a week. We need to up the chemo to five nukes per week and then send a strategic missile attack right behind in case the nuclear bomb missed anything.

We are hoping that this will kill all the bad stuff in you because we are not sure what else to do. It is multiplying and reproducing faster than we can stop it.

I see a huge smile stretched across Thomas' face and he begins to laugh. Seriously, in my doctor appointment, he starts to laugh.

I asked him why after. He said that one, our lives have turned into nuclear bomb attacks and two, I could see you starting to get upset. I knew our choice was to laugh or cry. I knew there would be plenty of time to cry later, so why not laugh.

So, my world has come down to being nuked and then missiles trying to defeat my body.

I pray this works. Because the medicines are making me so incredibly sick.

I am so grateful for Thomas. He helps me to laugh when it seems like the only option is to cry. He makes my world a better place.