"Clumsy"

Meet "Clumsy", the latest addition to our family. I have been blessed with a new friend. I am not sure who was more unhappy about this new addition, me or Hayden. Hayden doesn't like change, so of course, mom using a cane, didn't go over so well. We let Hayden name it and laughed hysterically over his choice of names.

First was gun. I told him probably not a good choice if we were at his school and I told him to "Go get my gun." We laughed at other names such as Toby, Dumbo or Lucy. When he said clumsy we laughed and laughed.

He was afraid of his friends at school making fun of his mom using a cane. We decided with this name, he can tell them if they think having a cane is funny, listen to the cane's name, "clumsy". He said, "My dad tells me to go get clumsy or where did we put clumsy." Then his friends would laugh at the name, not the situation. He is better with it now.
Okay, now for the explanation. I have been having a lot of problems since my surgery in July. The neurologist thinks that when I had so much internal bleeding it wasn't from my surgery but some neurological "event" instead. So, we are having all kinds of fun trying to figure it out. In the meantime, my balance and walking has become difficult, at best. In fact, after all kinds of testing this week, I am being told that I am very lucky that I have any use of my right side. It is a miracle that I am still here and I am fortunate to have use of my leg and arm, even if it is limited usage.

So, with the help of clumsy, I am falling less and walking more. I won't lie and say this hasn't been hard. I knew I was falling a lot. I knew I was struggling to walk. I knew that my right leg wouldn't lift very far off the ground. What I didn't know is that I have hardly any strength in it... that it wasn't a temporary problem, but one that will require six hours a week of OT and PT. I will also have weekly neurological rehab. What did freak me out a little is that I am in stroke rehab. So, on the anniversary of my mom's death of a brain tumor, I have been given a present of my own neurological condition.

I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to keep upbeat. This week has brought many tears, I won't lie. This week has brought heartache to the point that I thought my heart may actually break. I even knelt down and told my Father in Heaven that me being diagnosed with a stroke at 41, the same week that my mom died at 41 years old of a neurological condition, may be too much for me to bear. I also told my Heavenly Father that although I did not see the humor in this, that I did and do trust Him. I am thankful that I survived and I am thankful that I am still here to be a wife to Thomas and a mom to Hayden.

So, my job right now is to fight. I will fight to get better, I will fight to overcome this trial and I will fight to not let the adversary get me down. I know myself and I will win this fight! After all, clumsy and I have a lot of people on our side that are going to fight this fight with us.