It is now early Monday morning or middle of the night Sunday night. I am so tired that thinking is difficult and comes with a struggle. The pain I have experienced in the past 36 hours is beyond words of expression. My body aches in a way it hasn't in months. Every part of my body is screeching with rebellion as to the pain and aches it is experiencing.
As I sat completely covered on the step of Jodi's pool on Saturday, wearing a hat and sunglasses while sitting under an umbrella in the cool pool water, I was entirely sheltered from the sun and was cool from the cold water. The moment was heavenly. I was actually actively participating in life with my son, husband, sister, cousins and loved ones. I relished the joyous laughter, the giggling, the sitting and talking and watching the guys all take one another out with the Nerf guns. I was ecstatic that maybe I had found an activity that I could do with my family and feel like I was actively participating in living with them. I was cautious to try to not overdo it and the second that the sun felt to be effecting my body, I got out of the pool and moved in doors. I actually felt relatively okay while inside. Relief and joy and gratitude swept thru my body. I felt this huge weight come off my shoulders feeling like life was starting to come back into line and feel more normal.
We talked for awhile on the couch after Thomas cooked up burgers. I enjoyed sitting and talking with Lisa, Jodi and Suzi. As I laid on Jodi's recliner, I felt exhaustion slipping in but enjoyed each moment of the time just talking and enjoying great company.
Shortly thereafter, I left with Lisa's gang to head back home. As I sat on the couch, I felt the old familiar aches and pains starting to settle in. I tried pushing them away and hoped that a long nap would settle down the symptoms and my body would again return to a more peaceful state.
However, a couple of hours later, when I awoke, the pain had elevated. The struggling for breath returned and the excruciating pain it took to just breathe and exist became more difficult. Luckily, the sheer exhaustion of my body took over and slumber came. I felt relief from the pain while my body slept.
When I awoke early Sunday morning, I let out an audible cry of pain. Months have passed since that level of pain has encompassed my body. Each step felt as if I was walking on sharpened razor blades. Each breath felt as if I was trying to breathe pudding instead of air. My eyes flickered as I tried to fight off seizures. My head pulled me in and out of consciousness. Rough does not explain my day.
The day continued in the same old familiar fashion that I had grown so accustomed to. I faithfully used my cold laser treatments, I took my anti seizure meds, I did all in my power to minimize the pain, extreme symptoms and frustrating seizures. It seemed that nothing I tried brought any relief.
Tonight or early this morning, I sit on the couch trying to manage the pain and unsteadiness that I am feeling. My right eye is flickering and trying to fight off another seizure.
As I sit here, I am so grateful for the events that have transpired to help my body find relief. Sure, I am miserable today. I am hurting and the pain is almost more than I can bear. But, I know that relief will again come. It has become so much more tolerable over the past couple of months.
I am grateful for the decreased seizures. I am grateful for the progress made. Someday, I will be able to do all the things I long to. I know there will come a time that spending an hour in the pool with those I love will not take me out for days. I know that life will keep getting easier as I adapt and figure things out. I look forward to healing in the future but am so grateful for the healing that has already come. My gratitude is full tonight knowing that this setback is temporary. That my body will again climb back out of this hole and be able to at least function again from my couch.
Maybe setbacks are good. They give perspective. They show progress. They help foster gratitude for what I have been blessed with instead of focusing on the long road ahead. Honestly, right now, I just long to be where I was a week ago. I know I will get there and then have the ability to again start improving and getting better.
I am grateful for the perspective given to me this weekend. And, even with the excruciating pain I am experiencing at this moment, I would do it again. I would sacrifice my well being because of how much it meant to Hayden to have his mom at his party and that is truly what life is all about. Because soon the pain will decrease, the moments of seizures will be in the past, my breathing will settle and become more rhythmic but the memories made will last a lifetime. And that is what life is truly about. The little moments that connect together the bonds of love and help our families know that they matter above all else.
Hopefully I gave my son that gift this weekend. He knows that I will do all in my power to make his heart's desires a reality. So often I cannot do that but this weekend, I was able to and that was worth every minute of the pain and miserableness that has followed. I showed my son and family that they truly matter most. They do.
I am learning that there is always something to be grateful for. It feels so good to seek and find the good amidst the day to day living. My blessings are tremendous and I am truly grateful for all the progress that has been made. I will keep striving to overcome while being grateful for the healing already experienced.
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