Today is a day that I knew was coming for a very long time. Amongst all that has happened to our little family in the past couple of years, we knew that we would not be able to stay in this house forever. With me not working and the medical bills continuing to pile up, there really were no other options except to put the house up for sale and make some major changes in our lives.
Change isn't fun. Hayden and I especially do not handle change well. Especially when that change involves the unknown in so many areas. Always before when our house has been up for sale, it has been for positive moving experiences. Each time it was a move that was exciting and anticipated. This time is very different. We knew that with all that was happening, and all the mounting medical bills that changes had to be made. For months and years, we have cut back, lessened our living expenses and made budget cuts. And because we have been extremely blessed and so well loved and taken care of, we, with the amazing kindness and generous help of others, have been able to stay in our home.
However, in light of the recent medical diagnosis and the future of my illness, more permanent changes needed to take place.
I can honestly say that this has been a very difficult challenge for our family. It isn't the "things" or the comforts of home that we have mourned the most in making this decision, but the loved ones that we say goodbye to and the daily comforts and memories that we have of our time in this wonderful ward and home. We love the people in our neighborhood, our friends and our ward family so dearly. We have been able to do all that we have, because we are encircled in such gentle arms of love.
I have spent many days and nights in prayer, amongst the falling tears, trying to figure out what the Lord has planned for our family, where we will go and how we will make things work out. The numbers do not add up. Medical bills far surpass any chance of stability and long term security for our family. Our only choice is to trust that the Savior has taken care of us in every way, always, and he will continue to do so.
The challenges have been many, the trials and obstacles to overcome, immense. Yet during each and every trial the Savior has stood with us, carrying us, helping us, always preparing a way for us to face whatever comes. One of the hardest trials, I personally have dealt with is sitting Hayden down and telling him that we were going to lose this house, and harder yet is that we had no idea where we were going to go or what the future holds. It is a moment in my life that I tackled, in complete faith that somehow, someway, the Lord would help Hayden to understand and find comfort in the fact that the Lord has always helped us and that although we had no idea what would happen, we would be okay.
As we sat down with Hayden, prayers in our heart, we laid it all out to him. As we did, something happened that I will always consider one of the most tender and loving of moments from my Savior. I found myself eloquently and without tears, explaining things to Hayden. As we talked, Thomas shared 1 Nephi 3:7, I will go and do the things which my Father in Heaven hath prepared for me, for I know that the Lord God giveth no commandment unto the children of man save he shall prepare a way for them to do the thing which he hath commandeth them.
That was the answer. We had prayed about what to do. We knew this house was no longer in the plans. And we decided to walk away trusting that somehow, someway, the Savior would help us home, wherever he needed us next.
As we spoke to Hayden, he understood far beyond his years. He felt the Holy Ghost whisper and the feelings of peace comforted his heart. In Hayden's true fashion, he likened the situation to Abraham and Isaac. To Hayden, the Savior was Abraham, I was Isaac and our house was the sacrificial lamb. In his own words, he relayed that our Father in Heaven had called me home, and the Savior was to take my life. Instead, as the Savior has many times before, he stepped in and provided an alternative sacrifice. Instead of sacrificing his mom, Hayden was only required to sacrifice his home.
As Hayden relayed this story and finished the last sentence, he threw his arms around me and said, mom, I would choose you any day over this house. I am not going to complain to the Savior or get mad at him that we have to lose our home, but be grateful I didn't have to lose my mom. He then added, words I will never forget. He said, Mom, do you think the Savior feels bad when he steps in and saves what really matters and then people complain because the best lamb had to be sacrificed, too. They don't see the blessings but only what they gave up? That is crazy, isn't it.
At that moment, my son was the teacher and I the student. Yes, he is absolutely right. The house is a small price to pay for my life. And we are so grateful that I am still here. It may not be in the way that we would prefer or how we saw healing to mean. But, I am alive to teach Hayden, to be with my boys at night, to tuck Hayden in, and to teach Hayden important gospel truths. I am here every day when he comes home from school. I am here when life gets rough and he just needs a mom to understand. I am here to be his biggest cheerleader and fan. Most of all, we are together, the three of us and Max.
So, lots of changes are coming. We are uncertain as to exactly what the future holds. But, like the Savior has with everything else in our lives, from Hayden's heart surgeries, to Thomas' pancreatiis, the miracles that have kept me here with those I love and the every day ways the Lord see to bless our lives every day, I know he is in the details of this move. I know he has a plan. Whether I understand it or see it or not, I am safely in his hands, just as I always have been.
There is no greater blessing. There is no greater feeling or peace that can come, than knowing that the Lord is with me. He knows me. He knows exactly what I am going thru. He knows the things that will ease my pain both physically and emotionally. I know that the Lord, my Savior, is in the details of my life. Here and now. He is guiding and leading the doctors to answers and findings and understandings that they did not have even six months ago. He is easing the burdens that are heaped on our backs. He finds ways each and every day to let me know that he loves me, guides me and walks this ever so scary journey with me. Most of all, I know that if I trust him completely, that he will help me to figure out a way. He will open doors and windows that would have never been possible without his help. I know that my Savior is in the details right now, arranging things and circumstances so that we will end up where he needs us. I testify he lives. Without him, there is no way that I could handle all that I am being asked to. I am too weak on my own.
But, as the scriptures state over and over again, "Peace be with you. Peace I leave unto you. For lo, I am with you." and he adds, "Take my yoke upon you , for my yoke is light." and "I will never leave you comfortless." He is my Savior, my friend, my Redeemer. And, although these challenges are overwhelming and frightening, I have the Savior leading the way. I have placed my burdens at his feet. I am choosing to let him handle this. It is way too much for me to handle. But, with him, all things are possible, all trials can be overcome, and all heartaches can be mended. I testify that he leads me and at this moment, I am sure that he is carrying me and I am forever grateful.
And like my wise son said, "Why would we ever complain about sacrificing the lamb, when the son is saved?" Each time I find myself getting down and frustrated and overwhelmed, I take a look at my son, and I pray for a softened heart and gratitude for what we have been given. Because we have been so very blessed and have been given so very much.
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