My feelings

This post is for Hayden and someday for his wife,as well. As I am dealing with all the doctors, health issues and prognosis' for Hayden, I wish my mom were here to help me sort thru it all. I wish she were here to put her arm around me and lift me. I wish she were here to tell me I am doing the best I can. That I am trying hard enough and doing my best for Hayden. She isn't. She can't say those things. Next, I wish I had an account of what she went thru with us kids.

Jodi had Cerebral Palsy, I was constantly sick, like Hayden, JD had seizures, etc. etc. I wish she kept a journal. I wish I knew how she felt. I wish I knew if she struggled. If she cried. If she was always happy.

I try my hardest to have faith. To accept all that happens as God's will. I try to be positive and upbeat and look at the potential in all situations. I am honestly thankful for my life and wouldn't pick another. But, I have bad days. I mourn for the life that Hayden doesn't have some times. I get sad for him when the doctors talk about more surgeries, more needles and more restrictions. I cry. I weep. I get frustrated with days it feels like if it isn't raining its pouring. I do have bad days.

I wish my mom had kept a journal. I wish someone out there would be honest with me and tell me that my mom had bad days. All I hear is about her unbelievable faith, her constant positive attitude and how she was close to perfect. I love her and miss her but feel like I can never live up to who she was and how great she handled life. I am sure that isn't exactly what happened. Time makes you only remember the good. The positive. The great qualities people had.

For Hayden, I want him to know that his mother struggled. Yes, I tried my hardest to have faith. I know where to look for hope and healing. But, my heart broke in two when I found out he had to have heart surgery. My heart was crushed when I was told about autism. I cried when I found out new diagnosis and new challenges Hayden would have to go through. And, at times, I asked the Lord, "Why Hayden? Why me?" It is true. Those thoughts and words have come out of my mouth. I have shed many tears. I have hurt.

But, it is thru the hurt and tears that the Lord taught me. It is thru the trials that he gave me more strength. It is the times that I spent on my knees not knowing how I could get up that helped me to deal with the next trial, the next exam, the next diagnosis.

But, Hayden, I did hurt. Life isn't always easy and roses. You know that. I hope that no one ever tells you that your mom handled all of this with ease. Because, I had my moments that I questioned, doubted and ached deeply. But, I hope you also know that I never quit loving you. You were ALWAYS worth it! You were worth EVERY thing I have ever done. And, I knew the Lord would be there for me! I learned that you are His son. I learned how the atonement not only heals sins but heartache. I learned to follow the Savior thru these trials.

I am to a point where I know that it is thru trials that the Lord strengths us, refines us and helps us become more like him. I just need you to know that although the pathway may not be easy, I KNOW that following the Savior, enduring, even if it is only to beg for the Lord to walk with you until you can stand on your own two feet, that the pathway is correct. And, someday, when you look back at those moments, you will know you weren't alone. You will understand the love that your Savior has for you. You will come to know and understand so much thru trials. But, it is ok to cry. It is ok to hurt. It is ok to question. It is ok to be frustrated. It is ok to feel all those emotions. It is ok to give yourself time for acceptance, time to heal, time to deal. But, never forget to let the Lord help you thru those moments. The Holy Ghost's comfort and peace is what sustained me thru my roughest moments. I love you!