I am still going to doctors. This illness started a little over three years ago when I miscarried twins. Since then, I feel like my life has revolved around doctors, surgeries, health concerns and more doctors. Let me make this clear, I do not enjoy going to doctors. I do not enjoy waiting rooms. I get nervous when I have tests run. I get scared. I cry. Then I pick myself back up and remember all the wonderful things there are about my life. And, I do have an absolutely incredibly wonderful life which I enjoy.
As I have battled this last round of health issues, I have felt such legions of family and friends surrounding me, lifting me, buoying me up, helping me to reach a little deeper down to find the strength to make it to the end of this journey. I have felt the light at the end of the tunnel so close that I felt I was within short steps of the finish line.... yet as I have approached the end of the tunnel, I have felt a turn and I am again among the mazes trying to find the light and my pathway. As I find myself walking through a new and different tunnel once again, I search for the light, I cling to the familiarity of my loved ones and I pray for the guidance of His light to once again show me the path and the tunnel I am to walk thorough.
As I listened to conference on Sunday afternoon, one of the speakers used the analogy of climbing a mountain. The road ahead looks so steep, so long, so windy and yes, hard. But, if we stop to take time to briefly turn around, look where we have been, all the lessons learned, all the strength gained, it is in those moments we will see the joy and beauty of the path we are on.
Lately, I feel I have been navigating tunnels of darkness and the path ahead is unsure, I have taken the time to stop, get my bearings and then again forge on into this unknown journey. I know that the past, with all the insights that I have gained, all the tender moments of love from our Savior, the moments of somehow reaching deep down and finding more strength, that all of these experiences have shaped me,molded me and given me the experiences I need to keep going.
As I take a new step out into the unknown, I find I am not as scared as I was three years ago. Yes, there are moments of apprehension, moments of questioning and even moments of pleading with the Father for this trial to end. However, it is in these moments of really looking at myself and who I have become that I take the time to look back down my own mountain and relish how far I have come. I may not yet be at the top of my mountain but I am definitely far enough along to have experienced some wonderful things, learned so much about myself and more importantly my Savior. Hands down, the most wonderful thing I have been blessed with is my personal relationship with my Father in Heaven. I love Him and know how very much He loves me.
No, that does not take away the day to day drudgery of the mundane tasks of doctors appointments, procedures and recovering from surgeries. But, these tasks have all lead me closer to my ultimate goal of becoming more caring, more understanding, more willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt, more willing to love, more depth to care, more of a willing heart. As I look back down my mountain, tunnel and path, it is clear that I am becoming more like my Savior and in the end, that is all that is required of us here on this earth.
So, Hayden, here your mom goes.... I will try to have the faith to conquer my own Goliaths, have the trust in my Savior to be able to walk on water and above all try to have more of the true Charity like Paul. It doesn't happen overnight, my son. It is through the winding paths, climbing mountains and navigating dark tunnels that we come to understand the importance of following the Savior and putting His will and ours into alignment. I hope someday to be as good of an example to you as my mom was for me. I love you, always and forever!
3 comments:
You amaze me at your great ability to look at the positive in life especially in all that you are going through. I hope that all of the doctors visits will end soon and you can start that road to recovery. I think it is so great how you document everything for Hayden. What a great family history your blog is. You're amazing!!
Jerlyn, I wish you could realize how truly wonderful you already are. I see it and more importantly the Savior sees who you really are. You are being an example to Hayden just as mom was to us. Don't ever play that down. You truly are incredible. I watch as you teach Hayden and I am in awe of how you constantly take those little moments and making them teaching moments. I still have a lot to learn from you but you are teaching me and others around you everyday even when you don't even realize it. You always put Hayden and others first and definitely downplay the pain that you are in. You will make it through this and will be ready to take on the world. In the meantime, you are the world to everyone around you. I love you!
You are such an inspiration!!! I LoVE YOu!! I am praying that you will find some answers...and SOON!!!!!
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