First time for Everything

Our Relief Society lesson today was on obtaining Personal Revelation. Loved the lesson. Carolee did an amazing job. I am inspired by her and relate with her so much that I love her lesson. She was talking about living the way you need to in order to receive personal revelation and answers from our Heavenly Father and that the Lord's timing in it all is really hard. They tried for 9 years to have a baby, adopted one son (a year older than Hayden now) and then 9 years later found out she was pregnant and now has a newborn and a 2 year old. The feelings expressed were those of waiting and longing for what you want, it being a righteous desire, yet the outcome not being what you expected.

I could feel each word she was saying, as I have lived it wanting more children and not understanding why adoption works for so many and not us.

As the lesson progressed, my thoughts were taken in a different direction. The question came, "How do we realize that we are receiving inspiration and it is not mere coincidence?" My heart beat out of my chest and started a deep burning. Slowly, gradually, my hand raised and I raided my purse for kleenex, knowing that the tears were already forming as the thoughts and feelings organized themselves in my head.

Carolee pointed at me and without really thinking, I began to speak. The words came out of my mouth so clearly, so detailed, exactly as the Father intended them to and how the Spirit directed. I told of an experience that happened to me just a few days ago. One that I was not planning on sharing with the exception of a close few, and now I put it out there for all.

"This past week, I opened an email from TOFW blog. The lead blog entry caught my attention, "Without Warning: A Stroke at 29" and I clicked on it and read. I read most of the blog until I came to this sentence. "His body and brain never completely healed but he has been healed exactly the amount that his Heavenly Father wanted him to heal, which is just the right amount to live a wonderful life!"

As I read those words, I paused, and I re-read the sentence. I paused again, with tears streaming and read it again. I stopped, I listened. "Exactly the amount". Those words.... As I said them out loud, it was if someone else was saying them to me. I asked, "Father, what does this mean?" In those moments following, I realized that I will never again have the life I did before this past summer. I felt that complete healing was not what was in store but adaptation. I knew that there were things I would never do again, pain that may never go away, seizure that may have to be endured the rest of this life. But, I was also reassured that my Father in Heaven would give me "Enough". I would be blessed to have just enough of what I needed to be the mom to Hayden that I want to be, to be the wife, sister, friend, and daughter to my Father in Heaven. I would also be given, "exactly the amount" needed so that I could live the life that my Father in Heaven had planned for me. "Exactly the amount" of everything I needed to become the daughter that I need to in order to return to Him someday."

Peace overcame my soul. I will struggle. I will never have the life I once did. I have a lot of adapting and changing to do. But, through it all, I have been promised with "exactly what I need". In the end, that is good enough for me."

In the Relief Society room, in the Desert Mountain ward, today, I did what I never would have dreamed possible. I shared an experience so incredibly close to my heart. I let people in like I never have before.

I laughed as Thomas and I discussed this in the car. I could never have imagined how this experience would have completely turned our worlds upside down. Sure, I would absolutely love for this trial and burden to be taken from me. It is hard. But, I also realized how much this experience has changed me, who I am and everything I do.

Right now, we are trying to sort through it all and figure out what exactly is "exactly the amount" that I have still been given and blessed with. I know that adapting instead of healing as the focus will take time to accept and change and sort through. I also know that we won't be alone in doing it but my Father in Heaven will give me "just enough" understanding, patience, hope and love to get me there. That I know and believe in and am so grateful for.