My health

Lately, life has been better yet stagnent. I was hoping that getting some answers would mean progress not just adaptation. There are days when I feel I could conquer the world and days where I literally cannot pull myself out of bed without seizure after seizure and can barely walk. It is such a struggle to make plans, commit to anything or plan in advance. I am never quite sure how I will feel or what will happen.

Saturday was one of those days. We had plans all day and a lot on the "to do" list. We picked up the house and decided to go see Red Tails before starting on the plans for the day. We had been trying to see it for over a month and something always came up. It was a good movie from what parts I saw. I started feeling terrible during it and used my laser. When it was over, I went to the restroom and although I am not sure how much time went by, I know that I passed out. When I came out, I could barely walk or function. I felt so horrible. When I got in the car, I started crying to Thomas, lethargy does not even describe the sheer loss of energy I was facing. Holding up my head or lifting a hand was more than I had strength to do. I told Thomas that the world was still far away and spinning.

Being the incredible priesthood holder and husband that he is, he located an empty parking lot. By now, I was doubled over and hardly responding. He offered a priesthood blessing and the intensity started to fade until I actually went out. As Thomas helped me into the house, I fell on the bed and couldn't move. The blessing promised me when the pain and sensations were too bad that I would have relief. Relief that day came in form of sleep. I slept all day Saturday and Sunday, having to utilize the cane again when I tried to walk. My balance was shot, I could hardly move, and walking to the bathroom was all I could manage.

Sunday night came rest and much needed relief. Monday, with the help of my Father in Heaven, I was able to get out of bed and somehow make it to work. I worked until time for the doctor.

At the cardiologist office, a resident and current ER doctor took all the notes first, trying to see if they could figure out the problem. This didn't go well. I get asked the same questions and it feels more like an interrogation and probing acquisition than an information gathering q & a. Almost in tears and feeling as if no one will ever truly understand, I try to keep my composure realizing that the only way to an end is through this.... even if "this" means accusing and not so pleasant doctors feeling like that I am being put on trial rather than trying to solve the problem. What one cannot explain must actually not exist. If man cannot conceive it or understand it, it must not be true.

After about 40 minutes of this, the cardiologist came in with at least some hope and some news and some hope of figuring this out. Yes, many more tests are in order. Neurocardiogenic syncope along with seizures may be causing part of the problems. Like I have questioned so many doctors for so many months, asking if this could be a dysfunctional autonomic response system problem, it was finally confirmed with an overwhelming yes, that is causing a majority of the problems. So, for the next two weeks, I get to wear a heart monitor, I get to go have a tilt table test, I get to go to a movement disorder study and I get to spend two more days in the hospital. And, I get to keep a log of every event and then try to figure out what happened before the event.... what foods I ate, the moods I had, any lights, strobe, flashing, movement, vision changes, hearing differences, smells, anything at all that could be a trigger.

I will admit.... this is definitely taking a toll on me.... Physically, Emotionally, Mentally and yes, Spiritually. I don't know how it couldn't. I realized yesterday, that it was exactly 2 years ago that I had my hysterectomy. It took them over a year to get to that point with miscarrying twins and laproscopic D&C's to get to that surgery. So, three years into this and there are more questions than answers. I won't lie to anyone... that is frustrating and hard.... REALLY HARD.

I am so torn. I don't want to complain. I didn't create this blog for that type of venue. I wanted to create a family history. Give Hayden a yearly book of what really happened in our lives.... the good, the bad, the heartache, the joy and most importantly the evidences that God lives, he loves us and if we look, we can see his hand in our lives. Helping us, teaching us, sending tender mercies and helping us find the strength to go on, when it feels like we are at the end.

For that purpose, I am including this blog post.... Hayden and any others out there that may be facing challenges. Life is hard. It was meant to be hard. I know that but it doesn't make it any easier to live it. I know I was sent to this earth to gain a body and prove myself worthy to return to my Father in Heaven. I knew there would be trials. I knew it would be hard. But, I had no idea I would experience bring you to your knees, don't know which way to face or any idea how to muster up the strength to take one more step. I didn't know the tiredness that was possible to feel... not just physically, but when the tiredness extends over to every aspect of mental and spiritually tired.

It is hard. It is okay to say I don't know how I am going to go on. It is ok to cry. Ok to hurt. Ok to question. However, when those really hard things of life pull you down to your knees, draw you closer to your Father in Heaven, help you to reach deep inside and realize who you are, what you are really made of and who you really want to be. Those things that help us cling to our Father in Heaven, not casually walk down the same path but to really hold on for all that life has to offer. When the outcome draws you closer to our Father in Heaven, no matter the pain, anguish, fear, sorrow and unsteadiness, it is worth it.

Throughout this experience that is no where near the end and far from the beginning of this battle that started over three years ago, I have learned so many lessons. I have learned of the love that my Father in Heaven has for me, Jerlyn. I have learned that even in or especially in our darkest moments, the Father sends tender mercies that touch our hearts in a way that speaks directly to us. It is like our Father in Heaven is saying, "My child, be still, I am here, know that I am God." And, for a brief moment, the trial is lifted, the path seems bearable and life makes sense. It is the moments that compel us to our knees and out of no other options left, learning to hand over every last bit of yourself to the Father. Trusting Him. Believing that He can and will take your life and do a better job fixing things than you could ever dream of. It is the moments of learning a new, cherished, trait that lies deep within us, showing us that we are stronger, more merciful, more loving or more than we are alone, with Him, we have strength.

This battle of mine, like everyone else's, is unique to me, but at the same time, just like what everyone else is dealing with.

I struggle, I fall down, I come closer to my Father in Heaven because I so desperately need him. I feel His love, His strength, His wisdom and with His help, I slowly begin to pick up the pieces and put my life back together the way it should be, His way.

Each day I am trying to sluff off my pride, my weaknesses, my insecurities, my fears, my doubts, my heartaches, and in their place put the qualities that my Father in Heaven has in store for me, if only, I will let Him doing the growing and building. With His help, I am becoming truly one of His children. Or, should I say, I am acting more like one of His children.... We all are His. He knows us. He loves us. He believes in us. And, no matter how stubborn I am and try doing it on my own, when I hand my life over, He accepts me, loves me and blesses me in ways that are unbelievably good.

Where am I on my own path? I am at a point where I have known the hurt, heartache and pain. I am trying to humble myself to be the person that only my Father in Heaven knows I have the potential of becoming. I love knowing that he will love me, help me and continue to forgive me as I work my way thorough this and every other trial that is brought my direction.

I have learned not to just believe but know and trust my Father in Heaven completely.I love him. I am his daughter and he knows me. That knowledge and reassurance is priceless.... just wonderfully priceless.