Mommy Meltdown

After almost three weeks having Hayden home from school with me was wonderful! I was dreading school starting back up again. I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving me and being gone the majority of every day. I loved lazy mornings with him and cuddling on the couch while watching Psych or playing Flow on the Ipad. I treasured each and every minute he was home.

I missed Hayden like crazy....especially when given horribly bad news by my doctor. By Tuesday night, I was almost inconsolable. I had a huge mommy meltdown. I really let the news from the doctors go to a place in my head and my heart, that in the past several years, I have not allowed myself to go. All of a sudden, I was overwhelmed by the "what ifs" and the "high probabilities" I was being told. It wasn't so much a matter of lacking faith, but one of completely not being able to feel much of anything.....and I lost it.

I let Hayden sleep in our bed on Tuesday night, wanting to be the "creme filling", as Hayden refers to it. I needed my two strong guys on each side of me to protect me, comfort me and shield me from all the terrible thoughts racing in my head. I told Thomas that the thought of sending Hayden back to school the next morning was almost more than I could handle.  The tears flowed freely as Thomas held me in his arms until my body collapsed with exhaustion.

Wednesday morning, I awoke to Hayden in pajamas telling me that his Dad was giving me and him a play day. He could have a ditch day from school, stay home and take care of mom, and watch movies all day so long as he would cuddle with his mom. He was so excited to help his dad make me breakfast, get the couch all set up for a movie day, lay out the treats and pick out our viewing agenda for the day. I guess I didn't realize how much that Hayden was feeling the same way as I was. He was needing me, ever bit as much as I was needing more time with him.

It worked. As I got out of bed, I thanked my Father in Heaven for fulfilling my needs. I thanked Him that He was really listening to my heart and knew how badly I needed to be with someone, but especially Hayden.

We laughed, we talked, we watched movies, we ate treats, we talked more, he told me everything that had been bothering him (including me getting sicker) and we were able to talk through all of his fears, as well as some of my own. It was magical, it was perfect, it was just what the doctor ordered.

No medicines (although since I have learned that the new seizure meds were making me absolutely crazy), no doctor, no amount of treatments could have healed my soul in the way that just being with my dear son did that day. I went to bed feeling renewed, feeling at peace and again trusting that this is in my Father in Heaven's hands. He has pulled me through on numerous occasions and although this journey has days where it feels like it is forever, I am also given the tender mercy of having near perfect days with those I love. After all, relationships are the only thing that we can take with us when this life is over. I want to make sure that I have incredible ones to hold on to.

Me and this boy...we are doing a lot better after a day of pj's and ice cream. So thankful he was willing to take a day to just spend with me. It is a day that is etched deep into my memory. I will remember the sweet feelings, the comfort, the talks and the sweet spirit that was felt forever.

Have I mentioned how very much I love this boy?