I know that my Redeemer Lives!

As I was reading in the Book of Mormon tonight, the following verse struck me and I read it over and over. Alma 29:4-5 "I ought not to harrow up in my desires, the firm decree of a just God, for I know he granteth unto men (or women) according to the their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; ... according to their wills." And goes on to add, "it is given unto his desires, whether he desireth good or evil, life or death, joy or remorse of conscious."

I found myself reading and re-reading these verses about Alma talking about the true desires of his heart which would to be like the voice of an angel declaring repentance and the teachings of Christ to all.

The more I read, the more the verses rang like questions instead of statements. What are the true desires of my heart? Do I want life or death? Do I want true joy? Joy that only comes from following the Savior or do I want my will to be done regardless of the Savior's will? I pondered on those words spoken.

I tried reading along further but couldn't read on because the questions kept ringing in my heart and mind. What is it that I truly desire? Am I refusing to die and clinging to life because of my will or His?

I do want to live. More than any desire of my heart, I truly want to keep walking this earth. The trials and pain that is involved is insignificant because my truest desires are to continue to walk here with my loved ones.

But the next question is one that has kept me up for hours pondering these inspired words and seeking the guidance of my Savior. Yes, The Lord is gracious and kind and loving and is granting me the desires of my heart. However, am I doing this for me or for him? Where do my true heartfelt deepest feelings lie? Am I doing this because I cannot bear to be separated from my loved ones? Am I doing this because of the pain that I know out of losing my mom in childhood? Are my reasons selfish because I want more time here on this earth with my husband, son and loved ones? Or, am I really trying to seek my Savior's will and be his servant, his disciple and his daughter?

The scriptures, the words of God, are such a beautiful gift. How grateful I am for this book of treasure from my Savior. I have his words, his teachings, his lessons and his guidance to walk me through this life. Not only has he given me the ability to talk with him and seek his guidance in prayer but He has also given me the precious gift of his holy scriptures where I can read of his words, his teachings and the path that leads back home to him and our Father.  

I love that any time that I am willing, that I am able to lose myself in his teachings and find the path that my Savior has prepared for me.

By reading a few simple sentences tonight, I am able to spend hours with my Savior truly seeking his will, not mine.

The desires of my heart are so clear, so deep and so strong that I too have the desire to shout from the rooftops proclaiming the Savior's love for each of us. He lives. He is real. He desires that all come to him and seek his guidance, his path, his love and his indescribable peace.

After writing the above passage, I tried to sleep but was kept awake with these thoughts and questions. No amount of tossing and turning would help me to find slumber. After wrestling with my bed, the couch and the recliner, I gave in and again picked up the scriptures realizing the Lord was trying to speak to me and I needed to figure out what he was trying to teach me. 

Often I have found in my life that when words fail, music speaks. The song I know that my Redeemer lives kept playing in my head. I switched over to YouTube and searched for songs. I located this beautiful arrangement of this song with pictures depicting the life of our Savior. As I listened, my heart was touched so deeply. My Savior is not someone that is unreachable or someone that comes to us when we are perfect and all is alright. The Lord spent his days with those that were in pain, had diseases, all types of afflictions, those that suffered unbearable circumstances, and even brought back the dead.

My heart swelled with emotion and I again remembered that not only is Jesus my Savior, he is my older brother and my best friend. He hurts more than anyone at watching me deal with this pain. He aches for each of my heartaches, each desire unfulfilled, each fearful moment and picks me up and carries me when the pain becomes too much to humanly bear. This is my Savior that atoned in the Gethsemane for me. He took upon himself not only my sins and shortcomings but my pain, my heartache, my unfulfilled desires and human frailties. He has experienced my trial and therefore is able to help me walk through it like no other.

I felt swallowed up in his love. I knew I literally was not alone. The one who walks this path with me has been there before me. If I trust him, follow him, I will find the path prepared for me.

I know that my Redeemer lives. YouTube Video-I Know that My Redeemer Lives

With peace surrounding me, I knew that I would locate answers to my deepest questions and desires and sought further guidance and instruction. 

I was lead to this talk from our beloved President Thomas S. Monson from general conference 2007, titled, "I Know that My Redeemer Lives". YouTube Video link to President Monson's talk.

As I listened to this precious talk on life and death and the reasons why some die, I was brought to tears. Tears fall so easily these days. My heart is so close to my Savior. I do not know what the near future holds. The next weeks hold some very frightening events. It is all out of my control and all I can do is turn my life, my will and my desires over to my Savior. He truly does know the deepest desires of my heart. I pray that his will and mine are the same and that it is still his will, as it is mine, to continue to walk this path here with my loved ones.

If my Savior has other plans, I will trust him into death even as I have trusted him in life. I am his. I know whatever his will is is the path I need to walk. And although I cannot bear the thought of leaving my loved ones behind, I know we will all be reunited again. Because of our Savior. Because of his atonement, we will live again. For this knowledge. For this reassurance. I am eternally grateful.

He lives! I add my testimony with all those that have gone before. I Know that my Redeemer lives!

Please join my ward family, family, friends and loved ones as a special fast is being held this Saturday evening and beautiful Sabbath morning in my behalf. I feel so humbled and so grateful at the outpouring of love and compassion that has been shown to me and my family. I appreciate each of your prayers and know that each prayer is heard. Thank you. Your love and friendship has made my life beautiful with many many incredible moments and heartwarming memories. I am forever grateful. My love goes out to each of you. God bless.