My heart cannot believe all that embodies. He is beginning the first steps of receiving merit badges and working towards earning his Eagle Scout award. He is taking steps towards independence, camp outs, scout camps, time away from his mom and hard work. He will learn skills necessary to survive in the wilderness, gain survival skills and learn the sweet thrill of accomplishment when achieving a hard earned goal.
Each day that he awakes he goes out in the world and learns to become more independent and more capable of achieving his own goals. He takes steps away from me and comes closer to the young man that The Lord needs him to be so he can serve an honorable and faithful mission.
He has spent eleven years in my arms, safe and secure in our home, close enough that I can protect him, cuddle him if hurt and give him advice for each struggle. I'm now having to learn to let him find the answers, not just point the way or tell him what he should do, but its time to teach him where to go to find the answers himself.
I've always tried to teach him that his Father in Heaven was there for him, anytime, any place and any where. I've taught that his Father in Heaven can go where I can't. He can walk with Hayden at school, at friends houses and wherever he may find himself. But I am now trying to help him learn to turn in prayer and ask for guidance to all situations he finds himself in. Not just to pray and ask but how to listen and be still enough to really hear. I'm trying to explain how to seek for answers. How to really earnestly search and seek out the Lord's will not just to casually walk the easiest path ahead.
I marvel at the abilities, strength, determination and dedication that Hayden already has when wanting to follow our Savior. As I teach him, my heart strings sometimes ache as I realize that I must now really teach him how to let go of me and cling tighter to our Savior. I constantly assure him that I am right there to catch him if he falls or needs steadying but he needs to learn to depend more on the Savior and less on me.
I realize that my main job as his mother is to teach him to follow the Savior, walk the straight and narrow path clinging to the truth and help him develop a deep and everlasting relationship with his older brother, Jesus Christ. I know this is what is best for him. I know it was what I was born to do. Yet, a part of my heart wants to keep him my little boy forever. The one that believes that his mom has all the answers, can fix any problem and will always be right next to him.
As I watched him walk out the door, all dressed in his scouting uniform, my mind rushed ahead to the day when he will wear a brand new suit. He will take his luggage, his scriptures, his journal armed with an assurance that God lives, loves him and a desire above all else to serve the Savior. With tears in my eyes, I will hug him, reassure him and let him know how very proud I am of him. Just like I did this day. And when he is out of sight, beyond the distance to hear my cry, the tears will flow freely again. I will rejoice in his goodness, his righteous desires, his testimony and love. But I will also miss my little boy and how much I have grown to depend on him and his precious love.
Luckily for me, I still have another seven years to teach him, love him and learn to balance being here and letting him grow up.
As I realized the significance of this new step, I certainly held him tight when he returned home from his scout clinic. I intently listened to each word. I studied each expression and memorized each sweet feature of his face. Yes. This boy is still mine. But I know all too well that he is just on loan to me and he is truly our Father in Heaven's son. Not just any son but one filled with righteousness and hope and love and compassion and integrity.
I silently vowed to not let a day go by without seeing who he truly is. See him as The Lord sees him. And to cherish each and every moment with my boy.
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