The Appointment

The visit with the psychologist, was rough. I laughed at first as I was asked crazy questions. Name? Jerlyn Murphy Year? 2014 Where are you? A drs office. What type of building? A brick one. What floor? First. What day of week? Thursday. What is the date? (Oops. Date. What is today. I just asked Thomas at least three times when filling out paperwork. Hmmm. It's August. My birthday was the 8th.  What day of the week was that. Crap. I'll guess) August 20? I can tell I'm wrong. Ok. Shake it off. People get dates wrong. He continues.... Who is the pResidet? Obama. Remember these three words. (I can't remember what they were.) I repeated them. He asked more questions. Asked me to point to a triangle. Asked me to point to the number three. Ok. I have not totally lost my mind. I know what a 3 looks like. He then asked me to repeat the words he gave me earlier. Uh oh. What were they. I remembered one and with help the second. For the life of me, the third never came to mind again. 

Then the crazy questions came. Do you have any super powers? No. Can I fly? Um no. Can I see thru walls? No. (Thinking the guy is crazy.... What is this?) do they really think I am crazy instead of sick? I reassure myself to stay calm. It's ok. 

The crazy questions continue. Have you ever bought 100 pens, just because? I say no. Then remember Jodi and I bought a case. Yes. A case of spiral notebooks a couple of years back and I am still using them. I almost laugh out loud. But I listen as he continues... Have you ever bought 10 of the exact same shirt, same size, just because? No. Why would I? Same shirt, two different colors, absolutely, if I find a shirt that looks good, why not. I tell myself to concentrate. What did he just ask? Those words again. I have no idea what they are? Hmmm. I explain that the strokes have taken out my short term memory. 

He asks me how I am handling my illness? Why I am not going to counseling? Why am I not attending a support group? Why? Why? 

I explain that I have an amazing support system. Amazing family. Incredible friends. A great church family. Tons of help and surrounded by love. He asks about hope and faith. I tell him that my Savior has walked this journey with me. He has strengthened me and supported me. The psychologist stares at me. He then asks me a question that floors me. Do you really think that the Savior can help you more than a physchologist? Yes. I do. I can tell he is not liking my responses. However. They are true. He asks about how often I attend the temple. I fight back tears. As I try to explain that I have had seizures and passed out in the temple during sessions. That right now, I am not able to attend. He asks if it is physical or if I'm worthy to go in. I assur him I have a current temple recommend, that I am living the covenants I made but am not able to physically endure the time it takes to attend. He asks about church. I tell him that although I long to be there, I only maybe make it every other week at best and can only stay one hour, not all three. I long for the day I can again go regularly and stay for the entire duration. But not yet. 

He asks questions like when you cook, can you smell the food? I tell him I cannot cook. I faint. He says that isn't the question. He asks a lot of double ended and tricky questions. I do my best. He tries to mess me up. He records and changes small things to see if I will notice. He won't accept any answer that deals with a physical ability. If I say well I can't because I get sick or pass out or whatever. He wants me to answer from a mental not physical standpoint. How do I do that? 

Needless to say, it was a fiasco. 

I cried when I got out. I felt like they were saying that my only issue was I didn't want to be well. Really?! I've fought and fought and tried and endured so much in order to try to overcome and fight this illness. I've given all I had and then another thousand percent. I've given well beyond my ability. I've endured more than I ever thought possible. I have suffered what I didn't think was humanly possible.

 I felt peace overcome me. I felt a gentle reassurance. "I am here. I know the truth. I know the real you. I know your struggles. I know your efforts. I know it all because I suffered it all for you. Peace be unto you. You are mine. And I love you."

The fear and frustration melted away. I was encompassed in the Savior's love and peace. Man could not harm me because I was firm in my Savior's hands. I no longer cared. My Savior has walked me thru this journey. He has led me, guided me, strengthened me, helped me, and loved me. He would not leave me alone now. It didn't matter. My Savior would protect me no matter the outcome. In His hands, I am safe. 

I had Thomas bring me home. I curled up in bed. I took my Q96. And I slept. I don't think my bed has ever felt so good. The blankets wrapped me in love. As my sweet husband bent down and kissed my forehead, I knew I was home and safe. For today, I didn't have to endure any more. I just had to sleep. I could rest knowing Thomas was home. My Savior would go before me and fight my battles. All I had to do was sleep. I slept. And peace engulfed my entire body and soul.