Life is sometimes difficult. Things do not go the way we plan. Trials upon trials come. So many that I wonder how to handle them. I wonder which one to tackle first. I get overwhelmed and don't have a clue what to do. I wonder how I will make it. I plead with my Savior for understanding and direction and for comfort and for peace. I kneel down and pray for guidance and help. It seems the harder I try and the more I try to do, the more the trials pile on. No area of my life is immune. I wonder why. I question everything about myself. Why can't I figure it out? Why can't I do what I need to do? What can't I seem to make the financial numbers work? When will our sacrifices be enough? How much must we do without and give up until it will be enough? Why is every aspect of my life affected?
We struggle. Shocker. I know. We struggle with my health. We struggle knowing what to do to try to help me. We struggle with financial issues. We struggle to pay the monthly bills. Ok. We cannot pay all of our monthly bills. We have cut back and given up everything I know how to. We cut cable and phones. We cut all extra activities. We are down to the basic necessities of life yet it isn't enough. We struggle knowing how to help Hayden. We struggle trying to homeschool him and make sure I am giving him enough. Trying to teach him without spending any money. We struggle with others looking down on us. They tell me if I had enough faith or was more righteous, we would be given what we need. Or I would be healed. We struggle to get me the medical necessities I need to survive. We struggle to put food on the table. We struggle to know what the Savior wants us to do. We struggle. We fall down. We plead for help. We plead for understanding.
There are days it seems we will never make it. There are moments I completely break down and freak out. There are moments that I cry and scream into my pillow. There are days I feel that I wish I could curl in a ball and give up and die. That the entire world, especially my sweet son and wonderful husband would be so much better without me here.
But then my Savior picks me up. He lets me know that from a worldly and earthly perspective I may not be enough. We do not have enough money. We do not have health. We do not have jobs that make a lot of money or come with accolades of the world. We do not wear fancy clothes or drive fancy cars. We don't have the means to help ourselves much less others.
But we do love one another and we love our Savior. We know the gospel of Jesus Christ is the true church. We know we lived before we came here and we will live again after we leave this earth. We know that the money and wealth and cars and clothing and homes will be left behind. We will not be asked how much money was in our bank account but whether we paid an honest tithe. Did we sacrifice for the Savior. Did we love others. Did we frugally and honestly do the best with what we were given? Did we love? Did we serve? Did we share what we had?
Yes. I may be a failure in the eyes of the world. My life may have little worth to those seeking worldly applause.
But, somehow, even though I have so little that matters earthly, even as I have surrendered or lost all wealth and money and are poor as church mice, my Savior loves me.
I'm grateful to belong to a church that loves the poor. That believes that we are all our brother's keeper. I'm grateful for kind and loving and generous people who help out. I'm grateful for the welfare program of the church. And as hard as it has been to accept help we are definitely blessed by having it.
I never thought I would get to the point of not knowing where our next meal would come from. Or that I would be fearful I couldn't feed my son and family. Where we would have to figure out whether to have electricity or food or gas for Thomas to get to work. Yet. Here we sit.
We are humbled. We are grateful. I didn't know I could cry so many tears as I have cried in the past month of my life. I didn't know it was possible to be so poor. I didn't know how scary this could be. It is so humbling. So humiliating. So frustrating and such a helpless feeling. It is one of the hardest and scariest trials I have been thru.
Yet, as the food order from the church came in and Thomas came how. From the Bishop's warehouse, I was so grateful. Tears fell freely down my face. As Hayden helped put food away, he asked about all the food with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints written upon the bags. He commented that he was scared because there was no longer food in our home. He then asked a question I wasn't prepared to answer. He said, "Mom, when we pay fast offerings and tithing isn't it to help the poor?" I said yes. It is there to help those struggling to get by. He then looked down and not in my eyes, and added, "Mom, are we poor? Are we the ones that are the poor and needy that the scriptures talk about?" I replied yes we are. I told him it was temporary. I told him that we had helped many other people throughout the years by always paying an honest tithe and generous fast offering. He then had a tear in his eye as he asked me, "Mom, am I an honest tithe layer? Have I paid all I could? Have I done all the Savior has asked so I can eat this food knowing I've given all the Savior has asked of me?" I hugged my son. I assured him that yes. He was a full tithe payer and was in good standing with the Savior. He was relieved.
Today, as we ate lunch that was made of the food provided from the Bishop's Storehouse, he asked a sweet question. He said, "Mom, are the bakers and cooks from the church professionals? Because this food tastes better than anything bought in the grocery store." I smiled. I assured him that all those from the church were volunteers. But this food was made with love and a touch of goodness from the Savior. He smiled. He asked if when he was old enough if he could learn to volunteer at the Bishop's Storehouse or in canning food or in some way. I assured him yes. The Lord is always in need of willing hands.
So, once again, as I feel my life is over and I have surcumbed to an all new low, my Savior picks me up and shows me it is ok. I'm ok. I'm enough. Even needing help from the church. Even needing to fill out a food order. Even needing help to sustain our most basics of needs. I am still enough.
I may struggle. I may have trials upon trials. I may have friends and family walk away from me. I may have those that feel that because of my trials that we must be sinners. I may lose my home and cars and have to sell all I own but I will always be enough in the eyes if my Savior if I give my all and do my best.
All He requires is a willing and humble heart. I may not have much but I have that. And my heart and hands and all that I have I would gladly and willingly give to Him. After all, I am indebted to Him for every breath, every day, every opportunity, every forgiveness and even my ability to repent. For without Him, I am nothing.
Yes. Life may be hard and trials may be overwhelming but I am His and that alone is enough.
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