Forgotten

Life has a way of taking us to our knees. It stretches us beyond our human limits and requires us to gain strength beyond our own. Lately, I have found myself struggling. Struggling beyond the normal realm of the earthly challenges that have been placed in my path. And although I am sure that the excruciating pain is definitely playing into my feelings, it is definitely not the most compelling emotion.

Yesterday, as I struggled for another long and trying day, trying to find hope and find something or someone to cling to, I decided to put on one of my favorite Jenny Phillips' CD's. As I plead for help, my pain to be eased, someone to share my load or somehow or someway to ease the burdens and internal pain and struggle I am facing, and I pleaded for help, anything, phone call from a friend, some reason to hold on, someone to say something to ease the deep despair in my heart, this song came on. I sobbed as I listened to its comforting words over and over.

"When the world lets you down and you wish it would go away. When you're needing a friend. Someone to ease the pain. Just take my hand, know that I understand and I will be there until the end." As the song went on, my thoughts turned to my Savior. I fell to my knees. I sobbed. I poured my heart out to him. I begged him to reach down and ease the pain embedded deep in my heart. To somehow ease the burdens that were plaguing me from every angle and every direction.

Life is difficult for all of us. Life has a way of pushing us beyond our mortal limits and testing us beyond strength we currently have. We are required to rely on strength, help, and push beyond our mortal limits and find our eternal strength and apply the balm of Gilead to our lives, and to keep going and endure, even when it is beyond our humanly limits.

As I pleaded for help yesterday, it came, but not as I expected or wanted, but yet, it came. It came from my son climbing up on the bed next to me and telling me he loved me. It came by my cute little puppies jumping on me and making me smile. It came in a surprise text from my husband telling me how much he loved me and how grateful he is that I continue to fight to live, regardless of the pain and loneliness that this disease brings. It came in the form of a blanket of peace enveloping me by the power of the Holy Ghost. It came in the form of sleep, and a temporary break from the unbearable heartache I was enduring. It came in Chad coming down and asking if I was okay and if he could help. It came in my Savior whispering to me that He had not abandoned me and would always be with me.

I have had to learn to look for my Savior and His answers. He always answers me. He always sends me what I need. Even when it looks much different that I want or anticipate. He never abandons me even when the answer is not now, wait, simply no, or I have better plans in store for you. I have learned to wait on Him. And in return, I have gained unbelievable insight, and understanding, comfort and help. I have learned that regardless of what earth life holds, that my Savior will never leave me nor forsake me. I am His and He is kind and gentle with me. He sometimes requires me to endure more than I would deem earthly possible, but in doing so, I gain more strength, more understanding, and a greater capacity to endure greater trials and face deeper heartache.

But just as there is opposition in all things, when we are required to dive to deeper depths of heartache and despair, we are also afforded the opportunity to receiver greater joy, happiness and eternal understanding. And as hard as the pain is, and as deep as the loneliness sometimes feels, I wouldn't trade it for the great blessings that I have received. My greatest blessing is my relationship with my Savior. I love Him. He is my dearest friend and greatest supporter. And that is worth every step of heartache and pain that I am asked to face.

After, crying myself to sleep listening to these inspired words, I awoke with an awful headache from crying for days on end, but also with a greater resolve.

I remembered why I continue to fight this fight and walk this road or pain and heartache and disability. I do not walk this road for anyone besides my Savior, my husband and my son. Those are my three greatest relationships in life and the ones that I fight for.

And because my Savior carries me, I will do whatever He asks me to do and endure anything He asks me to face and endure. Because, although, I can not carry the load alone, and I am not strong enough to endure all of the heartache and pain alone, I do not have to. With my Savior, I can accomplish anything my Savior asks. Even if it is just continue to keep going on days I would rather throw in the towel and beg to be done. Long as I reach for Him, He will carry me. That is one of my most cherished and treasured blessings. I will never be truly forgotten. My Savior always knows my name, my needs and loves me regardless.