My comforts

Tonight, as I decided I could no longer bear the pain and needed to move rooms, I started to head for the couch. I could tell my tossing and turning was waking up Thomas. Poor guy. He needs sleep. 

Maxwell, came over, laid his head on my lap. Maya also curled up on my leg. All of a sudden, I wasn't alone facing another night of unbearable pain. 

I thought of how we got the puppies. I thought we were getting them for Hayden. How wrong was I. These pups have been one of the greatest and tenderest blessings from my Savior. 

As I thought further I realized that because of them, I do not face some of my scariest moments alone. They are there as I go into seizures, lose consciousness, struggle to endure the pain and just survive the sleepless nights. Furthermore, if my Savior cared enough to send me a constant reminder that I am never truly alone, how much more does He sit with me. He holds my hand, strokes my head, helps me endure and calms my fears. He faces each long night and each miserable day with me. He never makes me walk it alone. He sent these pups to me to remind me. He is always near. 

Instead of feeling discouraged that my feet and hands are stabbing so bad that I can not escape into sleep, I am grateful for the knowledge that I do not walk this night or any other pain filled day truly alone. There are countless seen and unseen angels bearing me up and carrying me along this journey. 

The pain may not end. Relief may not come. But I am not abandoned. The Lord, my Savior has suffered all, and I will walk where He asks me to walk and go where He asks me to go. Knowing the where He sends me, He will already be preparing the way and lining the road with angels and friends, family and puppies, loved ones and selfless saints to help me on my journey. 

So although the suffering is real and long, I will continue to endure and try my best to "submit cheerfully to all things that my Lord, my God, shall try me with". I have so far to go. But I will not give up. Someday, He shall extend His arms out and welcome me home by saying, "welcome home my daughter. Enter my kingdom and find rest." And in that moment, the pain will end, the test will be over, the journey will have been worth it and I will find comfort and peace in the loving arms of my Savior.