As I drove home with Julie, we talked of the doctors, the new information, the testing, the reality and the hope. My feelings are so mixed up right now. I am praying for hope, for resolution, for treatment options, for understanding, for a course that leads me back to health. I am unsure if that is possible. I am hopeful that it is. I pray that it is. I plead that it is. But, I am so unsure about my health right now that it is a constant struggle.
Of course-testing aggravates the symptoms and causes a lot more pain, passing out, seizures and funky symptoms.
It is nice, comforting to feel like I am with doctors that do understand the pain and unusual symptoms that I am describing. Even a greater feeling when the doctors are able to put into words feelings/pain/symptoms that I have struggled to find adequate words for. I do feel so blessed that I am now with the doctors that I need to be with. Looking back, I am able to see how each doctor, each appointment, each failure, each heartbreak has brought me to where I am today. I am grateful to have come this far. I do have hope.
I certainly am leaning on my Father in Heaven and the priesthood to stay hopeful and at peace with all of these challenges. I certainly hope that I am understanding these blessings and interpreting them correctly. I want to get better. I want to be able to do more, serve more, take care of other more, be a blessing in others lives. I keep telling my Savior that I am not ready to give up the fight or "go home". I want to stay here longer with those I love. I have so much I still want to teach Hayden. So many things I still want to experience and share with Thomas. I want to see my son go on a mission, hear about his first love, experience his wedding, love and snuggle his children and have a daughter in law to cherish and love. I want to grow old with Thomas... I want to sit on front porch chairs and laugh at our lives. Smile at the joy and have a greater understanding of our heartaches and see that they took us to a beautiful place.
When I look at my life from that vantage point, I dig deeper and find more courage, more hope, more strength, more love... more appreciation for life and all of the wonderful blessings that are mine to hold. Hopefully, I will have a lot more time with my family. I'm hoping. I'm praying. I'm believing that I can. I sure hope my Savior and Father in Heaven feel the same way.
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