Here I sit at the computer during another sleepless night. I love the stillness and calmness of the night when all the world is silent. I have learned to cherish the silence and find it is the best time for me to reflect and receive answers to my prayers. For some reason between midnight and 3am, more answers come and I feel closer to my Savior. Maybe it is there are no interuptions. Maybe it is in the silence of the night as I watch Thomas and Hayden peacefully sleep and my heart feels so much gratitude for these two guys that are the love and joy of my life. I think more than anything I am just still. No TV, no lights besides the flickering of the Christmas tree, no noise, no distractions. I sit alone in the dark, still with my thoughts.
I find each night as I wake, that my first thoughts are turned to my Savior. This road I walk now is sometimes very difficult. The pain at night wakes me and requires me to move to find some relief. As I try to find comfort or a break from the pain, my thoughts are directed towards the Savior. I thank Him that I am still here. Every night, even when the pain is almost too much for me to bear, I thank Him for letting me continue to live. I realize that each breath is a gift from Him, that I am living on borrowed time. I am grateful that He spares my life day in and day out, even when the seizures are long, when I pass out and cannot get up and when my breathing becomes so labored that I know that my life is only being sustained through my Savior's pure love.
I am so thankful for this past year. There are so many moments that my weakened body should have failed. So many times when illness and disease was so rampant that I was given no hope of recovering. So many nights when the pain was so bad that I could only fight to hold on moment by moment. But, in each of those agonizing moments, I was comforted. When I no longer could handle what my mortal body was experiencing, I had the amazing experience of feeling my Savior wrap me in a blanket of His love and comfort. I felt Him ease my pain, ease my labored breathing, bring me back to consciousness and heal my aching body.
How do I express how grateful I am for another Christmas? For another wonderful Christmas season to share my testimony and love with my son? To have another Christmas Eve where Thomas and I put all the finishing touches together to make Christmas magical for Hayden? To experience the joy and happiness in Hayden's eyes as he walks into the family room on Christmas morning and sees that Santa has come? To feel the love of my husband's arms wrapped around me? To kneel with my husband and son after a beautiful Christmas day and thank our Father in Heaven for the precious gift of His son?
My heart is so full tonight. So grateful. So in awe that my Savior cares about me so much. That He loves me with a perfect love, even though I myself am so far from perfect. He cradles me in His arms of love just as a mother tenderly holds her newborn babe. There are no words that can adequately express my love and gratitude. When the words don't come, when my mouth cannot express the feelings of my heart, I am even more grateful that my Savior and Father in Heaven know my heart, my thoughts, my deepest feelings, my love, my devotion and my immense gratitude. For although words cannot express how I feel, they know me so well, that I feel them saying to me, I understand.
So, at the end of another beautiful and perfect Christmas season, I will cherish and relish in each tender moment that I was able to spend with my loved ones. And, I will go back to bed, and in spite of the pain, try to find slumber. As I lay back down, I will drift off knowing that my Savior has once again, let me know that I am His and I am enough. No greater gift can be given. No greater present unwrapped or received than the personal and loving relationship that I cherish with my Savior. I know He lives. And I know that even with all my faults and shortcomings, my Savior, my Redeemer, loves me.
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