I am never sure whether or not to keep my health updates going via this blog. But, if I go too long in between health updates, I get several emails, phone calls, comments and questions as to any latest updates. The other reason I have decided to keep updating my health is so that someday Hayden and his sweet wife, my grandchildren and whomever else may get a hold of these books will know that some times trials in life last a long time. Life is not a series of 30 minute television shows that have problems that are solved in a week. Most real life trials are not cleanly figured out and overcome in a short couple of hours or days. Sometimes trials continue for months and years and sometimes decades.
With my mom passing away when I was 17 years old, I only knew her as a child looks at a mother, never as an adult or from the viewpoint of how she handled trials. For years and years and years, each person I would ask about my mom would reply with how perfect she was, what a wonderful mom she was, how she juggled all five of us kids with no problems and met each of our needs always. I was told continuously that she served and served and served more, even when she was so ill. I was told that she was always upbeat, always positive, no one ever saw her having a bad day, no tears, just a strong woman with the ability to conquer any trial set before her like a warrior, no bad days, no frustrations, no heartache, just acceptance of life and joy.
I idolized my mom and wanted to live a life to make her proud. Yet, with each heartache, each teardrop, each moment of frustration and with each doubt, I felt even worse, because I had always been told that my mom never struggled with any of these feelings or emotions, but always was positive and always knew exactly what to do. I felt like I never measured up. I felt like an even bigger failure each time I cried or didn't know the solution to a problem.
Years have gone by and I have come to realize that no matter how wonderful she was, she had to have had bad days. I have gone to her friends and begged them for the truth of the "real" her and received some of the best advice from one of her dear friends. She told me to quit trying to live up to who I thought my mom would want me to be. Yes my mom had bad days, yes she got frustrated, she didn't always know the answers and yes, she got scared with new diagnosis and struggling with which decisions to make. Why everyone admired her is that in spite of those things, she didn't dwell on them forever, she cried, she had bad days, she mourned the sad things and then picked herself up and went to work conquering them and trying her best to seek out answers. Finally, something I could live with. If my mom had bad days, yet she still was this amazing person that everyone talked about, it was okay if I had bad days.
Hence the reason I am so real in this blog. I want my posterity to know that I didn't always have the answers, I struggled with new diagnosis, I sometimes cried my eyes out, I hurt, I temporarily lost hope, I didn't have all the answers, and I sometimes struggled to just put one foot in front of the other.
I may not know the all the answers, but I DO know the source of all hope, the answers, comfort in trials, a loving friend when it feels like I am so alone. The source of hope and brighter days and the strength to walk the hard ones comes from our Savior.
I am sure that someday people will tell Hayden that his mom was a trooper and fought the hard fight. I want him to know how I was able to keep going is because when I could no longer do it, I turned to my Savior. In my darkest hours, He was with me, to comfort me, to guide me, to lead me through whatever trials or heartaches I was facing and to wrap His arms of love and peace around me.
Being strong doesn't mean never crying, never falling down, never facing the unknown, and always having the answers. Being strong simply means that each time that you fall down that you eventually stand back up. That although the trials faced are ones that sometimes feel impossible, that with the Savior, taken one day at a time, one piece at a time, anything is possible.
For that reason, I write my true feelings, good or frustrating, strong or in times of weakness, healthy or sick, with hope and with doubt. I write to capture that life is about conquering the hard things and overcoming the world. We are not here simply that enjoy the ride. We are here to work hard, give our all, conquer and overcome, battle the advesary, and become more like our Savior. Lucky for us, we don't have to do it alone, the Savior has provided a plan, given us a road map back to Him, and when this life is over, we will run to and embrace our older brother, our Savior and Reedeemer, and we will recognize Him because we learned to lean on Him so much and come so close to Him during this life. I firmly believe that if we have tried to do our best, that death will be a glorious reunion with our Savior and loved ones that have gone on before.
Death is not sad for the person leaving this world, for they will be encircled in love from our Savior and loved ones. Death is sad for those left behind. Those that still have to face this mortal world, still have to face trials, deal with heartache and pain. I firmly believe that our Father in Heaven realizes that earth life is hard. He doesn't want to have to keep us here one minute more than He has to. So I firmly believe that with each breath I take, as long as I am alive that there is a reason I am here and great things for me to accomplish. So I will do my best each day to wake up, face whatever trials stand before me and do my best to find all the tender mercies the Lord sends and savor all the joy that can be found in each and every day. And with each waking to a new day, I will be grateful for the gift of another day to spend with those I love and cherish.
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