Venting

I really try not to complain here (or anywhere) for that matter. I chose this. I made a conscious decision to stay here and be with my loved ones. Therefore, I feel like my ability to complain has been taken from me. How do I express frustration when I have my life? I am here with my loved ones, for which I am extremely grateful.

However, there are days this weak body of mine really frustrates me. Today is one of those days. The pain is almost more than I can bear. I am definitely at the complete top of my threshold for pain tolerance. Each breath I take in, sends streaks of stabbing pain throughout my body. Its as if each breath sends shocking pain, as the oxygen circulates throughout my body. The only thing more painful than breathing is moving. To move. To breathe. Almost more than I can bear.

On top of that, I am so weak. My endurance physical is so minimal.

Right now, my loving husband, amazing son and amazing friend, sit outside, working their tails off, holding a garage sale. Where am I? After trying for quite some time to help, my body gave in. I do not even have the strength to hold myself up on the couch. The bed will be my resting place for today. It takes much less effort to lay down.

Guilt racks my soul that they are laboring as I lay down. My heart breaks that I cannot work. That I cannot contribute.

I watch so many lovingly serve me. Take such great care of me. I feel so loved.

Oh how I long to be the caregiver again. My heart longs to serve others. To be the one to provide service and care.

I realize that there is a time and season for everything.

This is my season to be taken care of and I understand that.

I just wish it didn't have to be in quite so painful. Quite so lonely. Quite so much long-suffering required. Quite so many burdens placed on those around me.

Don't get me wrong. I'd chose this lot everyday because pain lets me know I am definitely alive. And that, regardless of the excruciating pain today, is well worth it.

(Thanks for all being my sounding board. I needed to express my frustration without Thomas or Hayden catching the sheer depth of the pain and discomfort. Although I know they see the pain as I wince with movement, I try not to vocalize the depth of the constant and never-ending misery. Thank you!)