Alone

I think of my Savior often. His life. His days. His path. His struggles. His triumphs. His thoughts. His feelings. His aloneness. 

There are moments, days and even years that we all must walk alone on is earth.  

Whether there are some who stand with us, there are always those that stand aside, judging and mocking. Those that minimize our struggles and trials and those that criticize and judge how we handle  our lives. They find fault. They minimize our struggles. They judge. They justify why we were cursed saying we brought it on ourselves. They minimize our walk. They think they know why we needed up in the situation, or that we chose it. They think they understand.  They feel justified in their acusations and judgements. 

I often find myself remembering how many mocked and scorned and judged our Savior. Some of those closest to Him, including his brothers and sisters, were the last to recognize who he truly was. He was spitten on, gossiped about, judged, mocked, disregarded, lied about, and misunderstood. He was the greatest and was pronounced the least. He gave all. He understood the plan and sacrificed all. 

Job was a great man of God yet as he one by one lost his family and friends, home and money, his land and inheritance, he was judged and mocked, scorned and mistreated. He was deemed unrighteous and unloved by God because of his lot in life, by others.  He was judged by what happened to him not by how he handled the situation. Most thought that if he was doing what was right, God would have protected him. No. He was cherished and loved by God because, even in his despair and desolation, he always loved and served God. He never faultered. He loved and trusted, even when all was against him. 

Joseph Smith is another of my heroes. He was chosen by God. He was the one closest to perfect, other than our Savior, to walk this earth. Yet his life was filled with heartache and despair. Pain and sadness. He suffered being tarred and feathered. He suffered death of children. He suffered rumors. He suffered lies. He was tormented. He experienced trials most all of us would have crumbled under. Most, including me, would have felt forsaken and forgotten and abandoned by our Savior.  But Joseph Smith forged on.  He never denied his Savior. He found the good and endured the bad. He too trusted God, even when all went wrong. 

I am not comparing myself with these elite men. I am just stating that as my life has had elements similar to theirs, I have taken a cue from them in how to handle these situations. They loved them. They loved their persecutors. They helped those who mocked them. They prayed for those that were their enemies. 

I am grateful for a Savior that suffered the ridicule and torment for me. That in Gethsemanee he already bore the heartache of ridicule and mockery, of being judged harshly by loved ones and acquaintances. That my Savior experienced judgements of the world and the loss of friends and family due to situations not of his doing. In his trials, instead of encouragement and uplifting that he received judgements and criticism and mockery. 

And if the Savior of man have experienced these things... What makes me think that I should be free from the world's and loved ones and friends and acquaintances judgements and harsh criticism? Why do I think that I should have it any easier than my Savior. He was perfect. I am not. 

Yet, in those moments when I find myself judged and the object of critism and acquisations, my Savior  understands. He comforts me when those I love judge me. He wraps his arms around me when those I love speak untruths about me. When they question my path. When they question my sanity. When they question who I am and all I stand for. 

I have learned that in the end, the only person who can permantly do that is my Savior. And he knows the truth behind my illness and struggles. He knows the pain and illness plaguing my body.  He loves me. He cherishes me. He loves me. And then. I feel enough. 

My Savior knows the truth. He knows my efforts. He knows my walk. My journey. My heartache. My ups and downs. The pain of doctors telling me to give up. And the sting of loved ones telling me to just quit faking. He is the only judge. He knows all and sees all. 

And again, I find comfort and relief. Knowing someday, all will know the truth. All will see with perfect eyes the ways we treated one another. I look forward to his judgement. I look forward to the truth. I look forward to standing with my Savior and having him say it was ok. My life mattered and was ok to him. What a peace that will bring when the King of Kings judges me and is proud of my efforts. I look forward to judgement day and the glorious day that will be. Until then....I will hold on.