May brought more pneumonia. So much so that ER was in my immediate future. I was told my body was quitting. Giving up. Losing the fight. At that rate, I wouldn't survive the summer. I couldn't imagine how I would ever survive the car ride to the beach. My body was tormented with pain and illness.
Worse yet, emotionally, I was struggling to stand and get out of bed. Depression began to rack my world. I couldn't see the good in continuing to fight and live. I felt I was just becoming a huge burden on all, especially my family.
Getting out of bed and smiling were harder than fighting the illness. My body wanted to cave in. I wanted to go home. Home to the safety and loving arms of my Savior. I wanted relief. I wanted comfort. I needed relief in the worst way.
The pain was becoming unbearable and excruciating. The emotions whirlwinds from the struggles. The seizures more rampant. The passing out more frequent. The struggles were constant. My life was a living hell.
My son was terrified I would die. He struggled to half raise himself as I lay lifeless in bed struggling just to smile at him. Don't get me wrong, I love being Hayden's mother and that was my fight and strength and will to live. It was in my thoughts every moment. But it was hard to see how I benefitted his or Thomas' life at all. Just as I was, they were confined to the house. Stuck because of me. Filled with fear and hopelessness. Filled with fear of my death or next illness or seizure. We were all living a hell very few could understand while smiling on the outside, we were suffocating on the inside.
Thomas was silently struggling to fight for us both.
We were both trying to shelter Hayden.
Our lives were crumbling.
We spiraled downward.
We sought help in every direction.... Desperate to find relief and grasping for any chance at hope.
Even the priesthood blessings has changed. They offered a choice. They brought hope only in leaving this world behind and finding rest in my Savior's arms. Yet, there was always a choice. Always a reassurance from my Savior that this life of mine was benefitting his other children. My struggles, even though barely understood by so many, were helping give hope to others to hold on. So, minute by minute, hour by hour, and on the best days, day by day, we held on. We prayed to be strengthened, comforted and held in our Savior's arms while we searched for some relief.
The weeks of April tuned into May and May to June. With each passing day, the pain grew excrutiatingly worse. By May, the crippling effects of this disease were making walking so painful. My feet hurt so bad. Nothing would help. No creams or ointments, lidocaine and deep blue rub no longer even took off the edge. My nerves were all firing constantly. Sleep did not come as the pain would torment me at night.
I tried to smile. To blow off the horrible hell I was living. Let all around me not see the world I was captive by. I tried to grin through each painful step as Hayden was seeing and feeling the truthfulness of my life. He would slide up beside me and help me to and from the couch and bathroom. He brought me things. I didn't want my son caring for me.....it was more than I could emotionally bear. I could not so that to him.
Doctors warned that my body had fought the fight longer than humanly possible. I agreed with them, assuring them that I did not walk alone. Even though the pain was one step before completely unbearable, that my Savior stepped in when I honestly could no longer carry this pain and burden. It was then that He would lift and strengthen me or ease the pain. Only then. One step before the cliff.
I only try to paint this unbearable pain and excruciating emotionally tormenting life so that one can appreciate the blessing and answered prayer that Q96 has been for me. Are all the pains gone? No. Do I still struggle with nerve pain and insomnia and horrible effects from my disease? Yes. But, I now have hope. Hope of a future. Hope of conquering death. Hope of a better life. Hope of again being a mom and caregiver. I am hopeful.
Hope...something that helps us see a glimpse of a better life. Hope.....the strength to walk that next step. Hope..... The brighter outlook for a better tomorrow. Hope...that our trials and earthly struggles will be worth it. Hope...that I have fought a good fight. Hope....that in spite of all, with this life is over, that my Savior will welcome me home, wrap me in His loving arms and says, "Well done my good and faithful servant. Well done."
Q96. It has given me back the ability to hope.
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