Fun with the Davis kids

Oh how I love my sisters kids. We refer to them as our bonus kids. Our sweet Little Miss, Blondie. Our powerhouse and dog loving tender hearted boy and my little buddy, my Mr Tman. They each hold a precious place in my heart. They have brought me so much joy. So much love. So much happiness. I am so so so grateful for them. 

I loved Brooklyn and Hayden and their friendship. I love that they are great friends. I love Brigham and how much he adores Hayden and Max and Maya. I love his hugs. I love his inquisitive mind. And Thomas loves him helping him with all things. I cherish my little buddy. He has blessed my life. He has cuddled with me and made me feel like a million bucks. And I love that Hayden has "adopted" siblings. I hope and pray they will always be family. That they will always be there for one another. That these sweet bonus kids of mine will always include my son. That they will visit him and play with him and look up to and adore him. I hope that when they get together someday with their own kids that they call Hayden and love and cherish him always. I hope Tman and Brigham will always know they are loved and adored by Hayden. I hope Brooklyn always knows she has a confidant and best friend and older brother/cousin in Hayden. I hope and pray these four are always close. I wish it so much for my boy. Oh how I love these four. They each carry a piece of my heart. 

I love visiting Jodi and laying in Brooklyn's bed. I love that the boys come sit with me and play iPad games. I love that all the kids sleep with me. Thomas will head to the couch because all four kids will cuddle with me. It melts my heart. Life is good. Jodi has precious children. And the four together. They complete me. My heart is whole when I am with my family and Jodi's. All the pieces fit together and I am complete. Filled with joy, love and hope. 

Kidney - bladder -UTI fun

I gave in and went to the dr today. I was in too much pain to cope and decided I couldn't survive without antibiotics. I'm glad I went in. I had tons of blood and proteins and something else in my urine. Not good. So after a rosefin shot in the bum, a prescription for antibiotics and another prescription for anti-nausea meds, I was back home. Feeling awful and terribly sick. 

I have 48 hours to get better or find myself in a hospital. I'm praying for relief. 

As I walked in the door, the neurologist office called. I explained my,symptoms and how I feel I an dying a little more each day. I just can't recover. They said this latest infection may help me get the treatment I need. I hope. 

So I am back down. The meds make me really sleepy. But I'm hoping for some relief. 

Ready to fight this. Read to move on. And praying I get the help I need. 

Life altering blessing

Wednesday was a rough day. I struggled for breath. Air would not fill my lungs and I was gasping for each and every breath. I called Thomas and told him to come take me to the hospital, as I couldn't breathe on my own anymore. 

He called the bishop and he and his sweet wife came over. We talked. We cried. He asked me how I was doing. I started crying and said I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't hold on. I sobbed. He asked what I was scared of. Death? Dying? 

No. To die would bring relief. I would be back in the loving arms if my Savior and be reunited with my mother that I miss terribly. The pain would be gone. I would be free from the prison that now contains me. No more pain. No more anguish.  Free from a debilitated body. Ability to again serve and work and do. No. Death is do not fear. It would be a welcome relief and a joyous blessing for me. 

I know first hand the pain of losing a mom. I watched my dad struggle losing a wife. I watched countless family members and friends grieve and morn for my own mother. I've spent more years without her than I ever did with her. I realize it is a void and loss that never ends. Sure. Time goes by and the deep aching and heart-wrenching pain ends until one day you wake up and realize how much you would love your mom to walk thru whatever is going on in your life. No. I cannot cause that tyoe of pain to Thomas and Hayden and others. I simply cannot bear to put them thru that pain. My pain here is one suffers, only me, while I am able to spare the pain and heartache of many. My fear is not having the strength to continue to fight to protect those I love. 

Bishop then asked Thomas how he was doing. I watched my husband try so hard to pull it together. To stay strong. To search for words to express his feelings and heartache without hurting me or causing me any pain.  I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him how dearly I love him. How proud I a, of him. And how very grateful I am for a loving and devoted husband that does everything for me. He is absolutely selfless. 

The bishop than asked what I thought was a familiar questions, posed to Thomas. "Brother Murphy. Do you have faith....." Thomas immediately replied, "yes. I believe the Savior can do all things."  But the bishop wasn't posing the question we thought he was. He continued. "Do you have the faith to let her go? And to give her the permission to let go and return to our Savior?"  With tears in his eyes and a soft and small voice he replied, "I don't want to. But yes. I do. I can't stand to see her pain. I hear her cry in the night. I see the hurt she doesn't speak. I feel the anguish. I see the excrutiating battle she faces with each step. I watch as she struggle for each breath. And it breaks my heart. But. I don't know how to do it without her?"

My heart shattered into a million pieces. I realized even me being here wasn't protecting Thomas and Hayden from the pain. They were walking this path so closely with me that there was no shielding them from the torment that is my life. My heart broke for the goodness inside my dear husband and his willingness to do anything for me. I realized how close we have grown and how great of depth there is to our love. Both of us love one another much greater than we love ourselves. I love my dear wonderful husband. 

We talked. We cried. We bore testimony of miracles. 

Then the bishop lay his hands on my head and have me a beautiful blessing from my Savior and Father in Heaven. Words were spoken that will forever be embedded on our hearts. I knew of an assurity of my Father in Heaven and Savior's love for me. Heaven and earth were combined in those moments. There was no distance. No veil. No heartache. Simply love. 

Most blessings I have received have been my dear precious Savior reassuring me, blessing me and sending me help. This was different. My Heavenly Father gave this sacred blessing to me. He spoke of His great love for me. He spoke of the choices I have made and the difference it has made it the lives of so many of His children. Because of me walking this path, many children of God will return to our Savior and live with our Father in Heaven again. My loving Father made me many promises and shared many loving qualities with me. It was absolutely beautiful. I wept. I realized how close my loving Father in Heaven has walked this with me. 

Then my Father in Heaven spoke of our Savior and the atonement. He spoke of watching our Savior, His Son, bear my burdens and endure my trials, heartache, anguish and pain. He spoke of shedding tears for His Son enduring the pain for me and knowing I still would have to walk it. I shed tears. I cannot express how many times I have pictured my Savior in the Garden of Gethsemanee sacrificing for me. I've thought of my lowest points and have always leaned on the fact that He understood even when I cannot explain in words the anguish it has caused to anyone else. But i had never thought of my Father in Heaven watching His Son suffer for me. Because of my illness and then knowing He would watch me endure and suffer. It was heartbreaking and loving and kind and all encompassing. I felt so loved. 

Many other blessings were given. Many wonderful promises made. Beautiful gifts given and wonderful heavenly promises given. My understanding of my role. My mission. My part in the plan of salvation was made clearer. Divine understanding came. Some elating. Some heartbreaking. Yet all divinely inspired. I felt incredible love. There was an assurity of the plan. I was given beautiful reassurance and understanding. My faith and knowledge increased. My gratitude grew. My testimony expanded. I felt wrapped and surrounded in love. 

I'm not too sure what the future holds. I know if I am blessed to continue to walk this earthly path, and continue to tarry in this place longer, that it will be in a disabled body. Healing will not come in this life. I will continue to fight for my life each and every day that I walk this earth life. I will struggle. I will be in terrible pain. I will fight for breathe. I will hurt. I will be tired. Really exhausted. I will struggle to do the very basics. This life will continue to be a struggle and fight. 

As long as I am confined to this mortal body, I will fight disease and pain. And a body that is getting sicker and sicker. That is my reality. 

Healing will come. In our dear Savior's time, He will free me from this body that is ridden with disease. He will rush me back to His loving arms and bring me home. In that day, the pain will cease. The torment of my body will be over. The earthly fight will be done. Then, I will be taken home and freed from all of the frailties of this mortal body. 

In the day that I am needed in the Spirit World instead of the mortal existence, I pray those left behind will find peace and hope. That they will be comforted knowing that I now walk free from pain. Free from a diseased mortal body. Free from the restraints of a body that will no longer do what I wish it would. I will be surrounded by those that have gone before me. I will be encircled by their love. I will be free. 

I also am assured that although I have made my fair share of mistakes that our Savior is kind and merciful. I know that His mercy, will be brought forth and outweigh justice because I have given my all to repent daily and come to Him. I understand the plan of salvation. I understand that this life is but one step in the plan on our journey. 

I know that once free from pain, my Savior can again use me to further His work. The adversary is trying to defeat the children of God. The Savior calls all who, are willing to protect and save His sons and daughters. He has called me to go after the one. The one whom is lost and struggling. The one who is lost and alone. The one who believes they are not worthy to return. I am to help gather His sheep. 

I'm not sure of the future. I know that the gathering of our Father in Heaven's precious children is a work that goes beyond this life. It is a mission that starts here and continues there. 

I know that once gone, although my dear husband and son and family and loved ones will not be able to see my face or feel my touch, that I pray they will feel my love. I pray they will know I am near. Just as in this life, I will hold them dear and pray for them and plead with our Father in their behalf. I will do all I can to protect them and guide them and teach them to follow our Savior. I will not be gone but simply unseen by human eyes but felt by spiritual eyes and hearts. I will be near. I will help. I will do my all to help and give service in everywhere and every way I can. I will assist my precious Savior is His holy work. I will be His servant. 

I also know that the Savior can do a better job with all things than I am capable of. I know this includes raising Hayden.  I've taught him how to follow our Savior. And I will continue ue to love and cherish and help him. But the Savior can do so much more than I could ever dream of. 

I have been promised that when my time here is thru, Thomas and Hayden will have the Savior, many guardian angels and the Holy Ghost to comfort, protect, guide and love them. They will be taken care of. They willbe loved. 

I'm grateful,for a blessing that assured me of my role and my Savior's. That clarified understanding and taught important gospel truths. 

I love my husband. I cherish him. I love and adore my son. I love my Savior and loving Father in Heaven. I'm not sure what the Savior's timeframe is. I'm not sure how much longer I will be allowed to remain here and when my body will have had too much. But I know it is in my Savior's hands. His timing, His love, His plan is perfect. That is what I am depending on Him.  

We have knelt down together as a family and each of us have utter the words, "Thy Will be Done". We each mean it. We will follow the Savior regardless if that is remaining here with my family and enduring to the end or if it is the end is near, and my time is short, that when I go, it will be ok. I will be ok. Thomas will be ok. And my son will be ok. I trust our Savior. I know He loves them more than I do. And I will entrust Him with my most cherished blessings, my loved ones. 

I testify that our Savior lives. He lives. He loves us. He is intimately aware of our needs, desires, hopes, dreams, challenges, heartaches, our anguish, our pain, our strengths and our weaknesses. He lives to comfort and guide and protect and love us. Of this I bear witness. I know that my Redeemer lives!!!

It continues...twists and changes...

And the plot continues....

Insurance again denied all. Everything. 

I contacted the doctor office. The doctor is still gone. There is nothing they can do. 

So. We search. Search for answers. Search for options. Search for help. Search for resources outside of medical world. 

We are looking into alternative treatments in Mexico and other places. We are reaching out to all natural doctors. We are praying and pleading for guidance and help. 

Prayers are appreciated. Please pray that we will be able to embrace, accept and do whatever our dear Savior asks us to do. We have put our trust in Him as we seek further understanding and knowledge. We have told Him that in all things, "Thy will be done."  

We love our Savior and loving Father in Heaven. Our desire is to so what He asks. We trust His path. We give Him our true devotion. As we try to seek His ways and path He desires for us, we pray that doors will open and we will find His will. 

We are watching one of the Star Wars movies tonight. The fight between good and evil is real. We came to this earth to receive a body, choose good over evil, remain true to our covenants and promises made with our Savior, and to return to His presence. As I watch the fight between good and evil, I feel such a pull to do our Savior's will. To fight. 

As we watched Anakin turn from the Jedi Force to the Dark side, I was reminded it is the small steps and small decisions in which we determine our destiny. Do we allow anger and jealousy or hatred and entitlement to cloud or judgement? Or do we remain faithful and humble and patient and willing to submit our will to that of our Savior? 

I find myself at a crossroad in life. One where anger and resentment, frustration and entitlement could take over. Where frustration over fairness and long-suffering could easily be cultivated. I will not let anger or fear or frustration win. I will be patient. I will humbly submit to all things the Savior sees fit to have me walk. Regardless of the outcome. Regardless of the pain. I choose love, hope, repentance, goodness and our Savior's will. Until my Savior can say of me, "the force is strong with this one." 

And I may have feared up a bit when Yoda said, "death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the force."  

And I smiled as Yoda said, "Patience you must have my young Padawan!"  I wonder if that is what the Savior is saying to me. "Oh Jerlyn, have patience."  I'm sure trying. Whatever lies ahead. I'm willing to submit. 

Who to believe? What to believe?

This morning I woke up determined to get to the bottom of this treatment/insurance dilemma. I called the dr office and was told that insurance wasn't responding to their request. I was furious and done. I lost it and started sobbing to the nurse oractioner at my dr office. I was gasping for breath and struggling for air to fill my lungs. I'm getting sicker by the day with no relief. This dr was supposed to be the answer. An appointment in February has brought almost 3 months of waiting and hoping for relief as I digress daily. I sobbed. I asked for the insurance reference number. 

I contacted insurance ready to just let them have it. However, they stopped me before I could start. Which preautorization was I calling on. Procedure not pharmacy. The representative asked which open case? Which open case, you guys denied the first request to IVIg, I am talking about plasmapheresis and the procedures regarding that. I was told NOTHING has been denied by insurance but my dr hasn't filed the necessary paperwork to process either request. WHAT? Did I hear that right? My mind spun to each conversation and each word with the dr and his assistant and other staff. What? Ok mind. Process. I listen. I ask questions. I start to cry. I lost it. Again I was gasping for air. The insurance representative told me not to cry they were on my side. My side? You won't let me get treatment?! I am dying! Literally dying a slow and incredibly painful death with little relief. Each day I hurt more and cope less. Each day the fight to keep positive and hopeful and not give up becomes a greater challenge. Each day, each minute the pain escalates, my breathing deteriorates, my walking becomes more difficult and enduring feels more impossible. They have killed me. But now I question who is "they"? 

Answers slowly come and more questions invade my head. If this is true? Could it be? But Thomas and I sat across the drs desk as he told us of conversations and denials. New procedures and less hope. I was told insurance denied but as I spoke with insurance, the more it looked like who I trusted had ultimately betrayed me. The one supposedly helping to save my life was indeed the one slowly killing me. Wait? Wait! My head screamed for it all to slow down and I plead for help from my Savior to recognize truth. 

Then the insurance agent told me facts and dates and things I knew that she had to be telling the truth. Then she cautioned me. I need a dr I trust yet only 2 in the staTe. My current dr and prior dr. The question was posed. "You need life saving treatment. You need to be able to trust your doctor. Do you trust someone to make decisions with your life that is able to lie to your face? Proceed cautiously. If you push hard, your doctor will no longer treat. But do you trust someone who is dishonest?"

My mind spun. What do I believe? Who do I believe? If he lied to me about conversations and denials and convinced me into experimental treatments why? What gain do they have? Why lie to me? Is Mayo clinic right??? Is there nothing to be done? Is death imminent? Am I going on false hope and security? Am I being flattered by hope? What do I do? Where do I go? In whom do I place my trust? 

Overwhelmed, I plead for understanding and enligtenment. I plead for help sorting through this info and the ability to decipher truth. I thought I was. Good judge. Yet I have been deceived. I feel anger and disgust, frustrations and disappointment and confusion and helplessness. 

I do recognize these feelings are NOT from my Savior but the adversary. How do I sort thru this mess and have the Spirit with me. Only one way...., forgiveness. Really, I thought. I am only just finding out about this. For three months I have digressed and been in increasingly more pain. I have begged for help and lied to. Yet, before I can sort thru these feelings and emotions and discover the truth, forgiveness and complete Christlike forgiveness is what you are asking of me. 

The words my Savior spoke on the cross swept my mind. "Father forgive them." Forgive them? Really? Keep,going? Keep trusting? The blessing said this dr was a good man that listened to you. Then how did this happen? Again, forgive them, entered my mind. Forgive. Forget. Move forward. Don't let hate and anger poison your heart. Really? Do you understand how hard this has been? Do you know how much this has hurt me and my family? The endless torment and frustration this has caused? The thought that my life wasn't worth saving and the one that I am supposed to trust lied and you tell me to forgive. Now. Immediately. Completely. 

How? Why? 

The answer comes clearly. Love. Jerlyn. Love. I am love and hope and concern and care. I am better days and brighter tomorrow's and clearer paths. I am love. 

The adversary is revenge. And anger. Hopelessness. Pain. Mistrust. Confusion.  

I am light. I am truth. I am love. I am forgiveness. 

So my choice. To move forward and if s answers but you are requiring me to forgive and let it go. How? His response: Fill your heart with my love and my peace. "Peace I give unto you. Not as the world does. Peace I give to you. My peace. My love." 

I stop. I listen. How? I don't know how. I'm so so so frustrated. I want help. 

Move forward, Jerlyn. I know the pain. I have suffered it already for you. All the pain and injustices of the world I have already bore for you. You do not have to. I will and have already done it for you. Your job is to forgive.  

I plead for forgiveness and understanding. I prayed to be the person my Savior believed I could. I begged that anger would not take hold of my heart. I'm trying. I'm. Trying. I. Doing my best. I'm pleading for a forgiving and accepting heart. I am pleading for hope. I am pleading for answers. I am pleading for my Savior to teach me while I look for answers. 

My world flipped upside down today. I wanted to give in and collapse. Instead mymSavior requires me to stretch and love and offer Christlike compassion to the treaspasser. I will try. I will give my all, but am praying my Savior, like always, will be patient with me.  For I have a long ways to go......,

5 kids- 4 dogs- 2 adults with fun

What a fun weekend. 

Jake took Rosie out of town for her birthday so Thomas and I agreed to watch the kids. We took Hayden and Chad with us. And Max and Maya. 

We played Logo Party and Apples to Apples. We played dice. We played pinball games and call of,duty. (Ok I slept. They played video games.). 

We swam and taught the pups to swim. The rest of them all played volleyball. We laughed. We played. We had a great time together. We barbecued hot dogs and hamburgers, ate an entire watermelon and downed chips. I cannot believe how much five teenagers can eat. I sure love all these kids. 

I love that these kids sit around and talk. Even while they sit on their phones. They play. They have fun. I enjoyed the precious time with all of them. (Even if I couldn't move for days. It was so worth the wonderful conversations and memories made. I love the relationship all these cousins have. I love my precious moments with each of them.)

But, five teenagers and four dogs do keep things hopping. My dream would have been to have 5 kids. Maybe not four dogs. And it would have been a fun and crazy life. I love the dynamics yet they would have also been crazy. Life is funny. 

Who would have ever thought that Chloe would decide even she liked me. 

Plasmapheresis and more

Thursday morning was the long awaited doctor appointment to find help. It started out turning my emotions on edge when I was told my appt was actually the day before and they couldn't get me in for over a months. Tears fell. I was so tired of just holding on. So they agreed to get me in an hour later. That I could deal with. 

Dr Levine started out with the facts. He is straight forward. No-nonsense. No niceties or formal introductions merely facts. He explained the complicatedness of my situation and how with so many disorders and so many things against me that cures are not possible only prolonging and hopeful better quality of life. We listened. 

He explained that insurance will not approve IVIg treatments. But in scouring my file he had another idea. I transplant form of plasmapheresis. I will surgically have a catheter and port implanted into my heart. From there, bi-weekly, I will have all of my blood drained, thru my heart. The antibodies and anti-coagulation plasma will be removed from my blood. It will be re-oxygenated and put back in. I will also have to go on medications as they will be adding plasma and healthy blood to my body. 

The doctor will use this as a treatment and a diagnostic tool. I will also change medications to Northera. I will be taken off midodrine. He is hoping less seizures and passing out. More energy and less debilitating pain. I'm hopeful. 

From there we will evaluate and continue to change and modify meds and treatments. 

Without treatment, I will not be able to hold on much longer. So I'm grateful for options. I was so scared. It is so scary to feel yourself literally "dying". Each day I am weaker and worse than the day prior. Each day I have been fearful of my last days. I try hard to say what i want said and am careful about making sure my relationships are in order. I can feel my life slipping from my body. It's frightening yet I know death would be an end to the pain and torment. But I can't bear to say goodbye. 

I will fight. I will try. I will give my all. I will do whatever it takes. Absolutely whatever. I love my family. I love my Savior. I trust my Savior. I know my Heavenly Father lovingly wraps His arms around me. Because of Him, I still live. Because of. Him, I have hope. Because of Him, I will be able to live again with those that have gone before and those that will live after I am gone. But I am grateful for more time and more hope and more help to continue to walk this life. 

I'm praying for a successful treatment. I'm trying to focus on the benefits not the pain and side effects. I ask all reading to please pray with me. I know pray works. I know it is a great blessing. I know I am known by God on high. At that is comforting and gives me strength and courage to keep going.