Life altering blessing

Wednesday was a rough day. I struggled for breath. Air would not fill my lungs and I was gasping for each and every breath. I called Thomas and told him to come take me to the hospital, as I couldn't breathe on my own anymore. 

He called the bishop and he and his sweet wife came over. We talked. We cried. He asked me how I was doing. I started crying and said I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't hold on. I sobbed. He asked what I was scared of. Death? Dying? 

No. To die would bring relief. I would be back in the loving arms if my Savior and be reunited with my mother that I miss terribly. The pain would be gone. I would be free from the prison that now contains me. No more pain. No more anguish.  Free from a debilitated body. Ability to again serve and work and do. No. Death is do not fear. It would be a welcome relief and a joyous blessing for me. 

I know first hand the pain of losing a mom. I watched my dad struggle losing a wife. I watched countless family members and friends grieve and morn for my own mother. I've spent more years without her than I ever did with her. I realize it is a void and loss that never ends. Sure. Time goes by and the deep aching and heart-wrenching pain ends until one day you wake up and realize how much you would love your mom to walk thru whatever is going on in your life. No. I cannot cause that tyoe of pain to Thomas and Hayden and others. I simply cannot bear to put them thru that pain. My pain here is one suffers, only me, while I am able to spare the pain and heartache of many. My fear is not having the strength to continue to fight to protect those I love. 

Bishop then asked Thomas how he was doing. I watched my husband try so hard to pull it together. To stay strong. To search for words to express his feelings and heartache without hurting me or causing me any pain.  I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him how dearly I love him. How proud I a, of him. And how very grateful I am for a loving and devoted husband that does everything for me. He is absolutely selfless. 

The bishop than asked what I thought was a familiar questions, posed to Thomas. "Brother Murphy. Do you have faith....." Thomas immediately replied, "yes. I believe the Savior can do all things."  But the bishop wasn't posing the question we thought he was. He continued. "Do you have the faith to let her go? And to give her the permission to let go and return to our Savior?"  With tears in his eyes and a soft and small voice he replied, "I don't want to. But yes. I do. I can't stand to see her pain. I hear her cry in the night. I see the hurt she doesn't speak. I feel the anguish. I see the excrutiating battle she faces with each step. I watch as she struggle for each breath. And it breaks my heart. But. I don't know how to do it without her?"

My heart shattered into a million pieces. I realized even me being here wasn't protecting Thomas and Hayden from the pain. They were walking this path so closely with me that there was no shielding them from the torment that is my life. My heart broke for the goodness inside my dear husband and his willingness to do anything for me. I realized how close we have grown and how great of depth there is to our love. Both of us love one another much greater than we love ourselves. I love my dear wonderful husband. 

We talked. We cried. We bore testimony of miracles. 

Then the bishop lay his hands on my head and have me a beautiful blessing from my Savior and Father in Heaven. Words were spoken that will forever be embedded on our hearts. I knew of an assurity of my Father in Heaven and Savior's love for me. Heaven and earth were combined in those moments. There was no distance. No veil. No heartache. Simply love. 

Most blessings I have received have been my dear precious Savior reassuring me, blessing me and sending me help. This was different. My Heavenly Father gave this sacred blessing to me. He spoke of His great love for me. He spoke of the choices I have made and the difference it has made it the lives of so many of His children. Because of me walking this path, many children of God will return to our Savior and live with our Father in Heaven again. My loving Father made me many promises and shared many loving qualities with me. It was absolutely beautiful. I wept. I realized how close my loving Father in Heaven has walked this with me. 

Then my Father in Heaven spoke of our Savior and the atonement. He spoke of watching our Savior, His Son, bear my burdens and endure my trials, heartache, anguish and pain. He spoke of shedding tears for His Son enduring the pain for me and knowing I still would have to walk it. I shed tears. I cannot express how many times I have pictured my Savior in the Garden of Gethsemanee sacrificing for me. I've thought of my lowest points and have always leaned on the fact that He understood even when I cannot explain in words the anguish it has caused to anyone else. But i had never thought of my Father in Heaven watching His Son suffer for me. Because of my illness and then knowing He would watch me endure and suffer. It was heartbreaking and loving and kind and all encompassing. I felt so loved. 

Many other blessings were given. Many wonderful promises made. Beautiful gifts given and wonderful heavenly promises given. My understanding of my role. My mission. My part in the plan of salvation was made clearer. Divine understanding came. Some elating. Some heartbreaking. Yet all divinely inspired. I felt incredible love. There was an assurity of the plan. I was given beautiful reassurance and understanding. My faith and knowledge increased. My gratitude grew. My testimony expanded. I felt wrapped and surrounded in love. 

I'm not too sure what the future holds. I know if I am blessed to continue to walk this earthly path, and continue to tarry in this place longer, that it will be in a disabled body. Healing will not come in this life. I will continue to fight for my life each and every day that I walk this earth life. I will struggle. I will be in terrible pain. I will fight for breathe. I will hurt. I will be tired. Really exhausted. I will struggle to do the very basics. This life will continue to be a struggle and fight. 

As long as I am confined to this mortal body, I will fight disease and pain. And a body that is getting sicker and sicker. That is my reality. 

Healing will come. In our dear Savior's time, He will free me from this body that is ridden with disease. He will rush me back to His loving arms and bring me home. In that day, the pain will cease. The torment of my body will be over. The earthly fight will be done. Then, I will be taken home and freed from all of the frailties of this mortal body. 

In the day that I am needed in the Spirit World instead of the mortal existence, I pray those left behind will find peace and hope. That they will be comforted knowing that I now walk free from pain. Free from a diseased mortal body. Free from the restraints of a body that will no longer do what I wish it would. I will be surrounded by those that have gone before me. I will be encircled by their love. I will be free. 

I also am assured that although I have made my fair share of mistakes that our Savior is kind and merciful. I know that His mercy, will be brought forth and outweigh justice because I have given my all to repent daily and come to Him. I understand the plan of salvation. I understand that this life is but one step in the plan on our journey. 

I know that once free from pain, my Savior can again use me to further His work. The adversary is trying to defeat the children of God. The Savior calls all who, are willing to protect and save His sons and daughters. He has called me to go after the one. The one whom is lost and struggling. The one who is lost and alone. The one who believes they are not worthy to return. I am to help gather His sheep. 

I'm not sure of the future. I know that the gathering of our Father in Heaven's precious children is a work that goes beyond this life. It is a mission that starts here and continues there. 

I know that once gone, although my dear husband and son and family and loved ones will not be able to see my face or feel my touch, that I pray they will feel my love. I pray they will know I am near. Just as in this life, I will hold them dear and pray for them and plead with our Father in their behalf. I will do all I can to protect them and guide them and teach them to follow our Savior. I will not be gone but simply unseen by human eyes but felt by spiritual eyes and hearts. I will be near. I will help. I will do my all to help and give service in everywhere and every way I can. I will assist my precious Savior is His holy work. I will be His servant. 

I also know that the Savior can do a better job with all things than I am capable of. I know this includes raising Hayden.  I've taught him how to follow our Savior. And I will continue ue to love and cherish and help him. But the Savior can do so much more than I could ever dream of. 

I have been promised that when my time here is thru, Thomas and Hayden will have the Savior, many guardian angels and the Holy Ghost to comfort, protect, guide and love them. They will be taken care of. They willbe loved. 

I'm grateful,for a blessing that assured me of my role and my Savior's. That clarified understanding and taught important gospel truths. 

I love my husband. I cherish him. I love and adore my son. I love my Savior and loving Father in Heaven. I'm not sure what the Savior's timeframe is. I'm not sure how much longer I will be allowed to remain here and when my body will have had too much. But I know it is in my Savior's hands. His timing, His love, His plan is perfect. That is what I am depending on Him.  

We have knelt down together as a family and each of us have utter the words, "Thy Will be Done". We each mean it. We will follow the Savior regardless if that is remaining here with my family and enduring to the end or if it is the end is near, and my time is short, that when I go, it will be ok. I will be ok. Thomas will be ok. And my son will be ok. I trust our Savior. I know He loves them more than I do. And I will entrust Him with my most cherished blessings, my loved ones. 

I testify that our Savior lives. He lives. He loves us. He is intimately aware of our needs, desires, hopes, dreams, challenges, heartaches, our anguish, our pain, our strengths and our weaknesses. He lives to comfort and guide and protect and love us. Of this I bear witness. I know that my Redeemer lives!!!