Who to believe? What to believe?

This morning I woke up determined to get to the bottom of this treatment/insurance dilemma. I called the dr office and was told that insurance wasn't responding to their request. I was furious and done. I lost it and started sobbing to the nurse oractioner at my dr office. I was gasping for breath and struggling for air to fill my lungs. I'm getting sicker by the day with no relief. This dr was supposed to be the answer. An appointment in February has brought almost 3 months of waiting and hoping for relief as I digress daily. I sobbed. I asked for the insurance reference number. 

I contacted insurance ready to just let them have it. However, they stopped me before I could start. Which preautorization was I calling on. Procedure not pharmacy. The representative asked which open case? Which open case, you guys denied the first request to IVIg, I am talking about plasmapheresis and the procedures regarding that. I was told NOTHING has been denied by insurance but my dr hasn't filed the necessary paperwork to process either request. WHAT? Did I hear that right? My mind spun to each conversation and each word with the dr and his assistant and other staff. What? Ok mind. Process. I listen. I ask questions. I start to cry. I lost it. Again I was gasping for air. The insurance representative told me not to cry they were on my side. My side? You won't let me get treatment?! I am dying! Literally dying a slow and incredibly painful death with little relief. Each day I hurt more and cope less. Each day the fight to keep positive and hopeful and not give up becomes a greater challenge. Each day, each minute the pain escalates, my breathing deteriorates, my walking becomes more difficult and enduring feels more impossible. They have killed me. But now I question who is "they"? 

Answers slowly come and more questions invade my head. If this is true? Could it be? But Thomas and I sat across the drs desk as he told us of conversations and denials. New procedures and less hope. I was told insurance denied but as I spoke with insurance, the more it looked like who I trusted had ultimately betrayed me. The one supposedly helping to save my life was indeed the one slowly killing me. Wait? Wait! My head screamed for it all to slow down and I plead for help from my Savior to recognize truth. 

Then the insurance agent told me facts and dates and things I knew that she had to be telling the truth. Then she cautioned me. I need a dr I trust yet only 2 in the staTe. My current dr and prior dr. The question was posed. "You need life saving treatment. You need to be able to trust your doctor. Do you trust someone to make decisions with your life that is able to lie to your face? Proceed cautiously. If you push hard, your doctor will no longer treat. But do you trust someone who is dishonest?"

My mind spun. What do I believe? Who do I believe? If he lied to me about conversations and denials and convinced me into experimental treatments why? What gain do they have? Why lie to me? Is Mayo clinic right??? Is there nothing to be done? Is death imminent? Am I going on false hope and security? Am I being flattered by hope? What do I do? Where do I go? In whom do I place my trust? 

Overwhelmed, I plead for understanding and enligtenment. I plead for help sorting through this info and the ability to decipher truth. I thought I was. Good judge. Yet I have been deceived. I feel anger and disgust, frustrations and disappointment and confusion and helplessness. 

I do recognize these feelings are NOT from my Savior but the adversary. How do I sort thru this mess and have the Spirit with me. Only one way...., forgiveness. Really, I thought. I am only just finding out about this. For three months I have digressed and been in increasingly more pain. I have begged for help and lied to. Yet, before I can sort thru these feelings and emotions and discover the truth, forgiveness and complete Christlike forgiveness is what you are asking of me. 

The words my Savior spoke on the cross swept my mind. "Father forgive them." Forgive them? Really? Keep,going? Keep trusting? The blessing said this dr was a good man that listened to you. Then how did this happen? Again, forgive them, entered my mind. Forgive. Forget. Move forward. Don't let hate and anger poison your heart. Really? Do you understand how hard this has been? Do you know how much this has hurt me and my family? The endless torment and frustration this has caused? The thought that my life wasn't worth saving and the one that I am supposed to trust lied and you tell me to forgive. Now. Immediately. Completely. 

How? Why? 

The answer comes clearly. Love. Jerlyn. Love. I am love and hope and concern and care. I am better days and brighter tomorrow's and clearer paths. I am love. 

The adversary is revenge. And anger. Hopelessness. Pain. Mistrust. Confusion.  

I am light. I am truth. I am love. I am forgiveness. 

So my choice. To move forward and if s answers but you are requiring me to forgive and let it go. How? His response: Fill your heart with my love and my peace. "Peace I give unto you. Not as the world does. Peace I give to you. My peace. My love." 

I stop. I listen. How? I don't know how. I'm so so so frustrated. I want help. 

Move forward, Jerlyn. I know the pain. I have suffered it already for you. All the pain and injustices of the world I have already bore for you. You do not have to. I will and have already done it for you. Your job is to forgive.  

I plead for forgiveness and understanding. I prayed to be the person my Savior believed I could. I begged that anger would not take hold of my heart. I'm trying. I'm. Trying. I. Doing my best. I'm pleading for a forgiving and accepting heart. I am pleading for hope. I am pleading for answers. I am pleading for my Savior to teach me while I look for answers. 

My world flipped upside down today. I wanted to give in and collapse. Instead mymSavior requires me to stretch and love and offer Christlike compassion to the treaspasser. I will try. I will give my all, but am praying my Savior, like always, will be patient with me.  For I have a long ways to go......,