Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Doozie

Déjàvu. Am I reliving yesterday all over again? The evening was so similar, yet almost more intense, with the second night of a row dealing with a doozie of a seizure followed by multiple smaller ones. The itching and intense pain from the aftermath of the seizures are common symptoms for me. So for two days in a row, I have endured similar symptoms that have taken me to my knees and caused me to just sit in a ball and rock back in forth in unbearable pain. 

I have prayed for strength. Pleaded for comfort. Begged for any sort of relief. And hoped that sleep would overtake my body and bring a much needed break from the intense itching, throbbing migraine and jerking bolts of shocking nerve attacks. 

What I did find for relief in the very early hours this morning was an Epsom salt, essential oils and oatmeal baths. It didn't completely take away the pain, itching and jerking movements, it did take the edge off. So, tonight, I have lived in the bath. I have soaked in the heavenly relief of those Epsom salts, coated with all of the pain relieving oils I could think of. I was grateful for each moment I felt any relief at all. 

The painfully miserable days that all I can do is just endure, makes me so grateful for the good days. The days when our dear Savior grants me relief. The days when my body relaxes and settles in. The moments when I can sit and just enjoy the small stuff and delight in the time with my family. 

This week has been rough. It has brought more gratitude and appreciation for the good days. So I will continue to endure.  I will continue to hope that the days ahead bring more days of relief and less seizures. But whatever the road is, filled with bumps and rough terrain or a gentle climb, I am grateful for the chance to get to walk it. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Seizures

After a massive seizure tonight, I realized how irritating the aftermath of a seizure is....and how long it takes me to recover. 

Thomas,  Hayden and I were sitting on the couch talking. Hayden was explaining and teaching his dad, The Plan of Salvation, in greater detail. I had just asked Hayden, "what is the Savior's work and glory?" He was explaining it to Thomas.... "The Savior's work is to being immortality and His glory and joy is to being to pass eternal life." We went on. Hayden explaining and Thomas listening, with me clarifying and helping when Hayden stumbled. Overall, I was way impressed with Hayden's knowledge. I love that we have the opportunity to study at such a deeper level and I get to really help him understand the gospel and how it relates to his current life experiences. 

As Hayden began explaining to his dad why earth life is similar to college. I heard him say that we needed to move away and learn to have faith and practice what we had learned while loving with our Heavenly Father. Hayden's voice started to feel distant. I felt like I was being pulled away from my boys. I desperately fought to try to stay with them. My vision left and their words were muffled but I could make out a few here and there. I tried to reach out and pull myself back. However, I felt like I was in a tunnel. Racing and spiraling downward. My thoughts were no longer connecting. I would black out and barely come back. 

All of a sudden, there was an awful tasting substance in my mouth. What was in my mouth. Burning. Unpleasant. Oh, my head. Wait. There is something really heavy on my head.  Pressure. Hurting my neck. I try to move it but feel resistance. Words. I hear Thomas speaking. I cannot get the pressure against my head to move. I'm trapped. I feel anxiety rush through my veins. What is happening? I try again to speak. No longer, is the tunnel surrounding me. It's all black. More time passes. 

I again feel the extreme pressure on my head. Thomas? Is that you? Why are you putting all of your weight onto my head.... It hurts....so much pressure. Confusion gives way to words. Thomas is talking. What is he staying. Darkness. I must have blacked out agin. Then Peace. I feel the dog on my lap and hands on my head. Oh. Thomas is giving me a blessing. What happened? The awful taste in my mouth....must be frankincense. I try to utter a word. No words come. I try to open my eyes. Dizziness. Sheer dizziness. Nauseau. Uneasy feelings return. 

Thomas must have just given me a. Priesthood blessing. I search for words or thoughts or rememberance. None come. Burning. Itching. Oh how I despise the itching. Intense. Deep. The blood running through my vein itches. There is no way to relieve the itching and discomfort. I endure. 

I come back to. I try to speak. I can tell from Thomas' response to Hayden that I must be really out of it still and not making any sense. Although I can't quite make out the words, I can tell he is telling Hayden it will be ok. 

Thomas sits with me and rubs my hand and tries to gently pull me out of the seizure. Remembering is the worst. I'm not as scared when I "wake up" to his voice. His touch. Hayden's tenderness or laughter. Although my vision has not yet returned and confusion encompasses me completely, I feel safe with them. They are my rocks. My strength and my comfort. They are my safe place. Vision or no vision. They would never allow anything to happen to me. I can feel their attentiveness. 

I start coming back. Thomas asks me questions. He is lovingly and gently trying to bring me back to him and Hayden. 

The itching. The itching is now covering my full body. My head. Chest. Legs. Arms. Back. It all itches like crazy. I beg. Thomas to make it stop. He scratches saying this is the best he can get. He slowly helps me up. He steadies me. He helps me endure the walk to my bed. 

I struggle. I know this one was a doozie. My walking is forced and unsteady. My balance atrocious. I reach for the buffet to steady myself. Thomas grips me closer and tighter. I ask for a chair. He tells me I can keep going. "Not much further," he gently speaks, "I've got you. ". He pulls me a little tighter and bears more of my weight. I stumble. I grab for anything to help steady myself. 

The itching is making me crazy. I try to hug. Hayden goodnight. This one was bad. It has taken so much from me. I struggle for simple words, I struggle and settle with a simple, "I love you, Bubba!"

I pause against the bed to have Thomas scratch me. More. More. Deeper. Deeper. The intensity of it is literally making me crazy at this point. I know there is nothing I can do, but it makes me crazy anyways. I need help to the bathroom. I feel the urge to go. Why after hundreds and thousands of seizures, I still insist in going in to the bathroom afterwards, is beyond me. No matter how much pressure. No matter the urge to go. It doesn't happen. My urinary track is paralyzed. And although the burn and urgency feelings will remain I cannot go. My urinary tract is paralyzed. After each seizure. Each episode. The paralysis remains for 6 to 12 hours.  So I am only more annoyed with my body's lack of response. 

I settle in for bed. I realize that Max has stuck to me like glue. He's a good puppy. I'm so grateful for him. He knows when I am ill and stays right by me. Hayden calls to get him to come sleep with him. Max looks at me. He can see the confusion and frustration on my face and tension in my body. Max won't be leaving my side tonight...that is for sure. 

Four hours later and I still sit here, more alert, but itching. I doze on and off. The seizure takes it out of me. Tiredness is prevalent. But my body is so uptight and itching so bad, and so tense that sleep will not come. I'm adjitated beyond belief but sleep is evasive. I try. But the itching is too intense. My body cannot relax and get comfortable. So I play games. I doze. I pace. 

These seizures are awful. Miserable. Painful. Mess with my memory. Cause itching. Deep pain. Adjitation and miserableness. 

I also am reminded of the sweet priesthood blessing given to me. Although out of it and not with it, I pray to get the tender feelings back from the priesthood blessing. Thomas told me I was promised protection, peace, comfort and love. I cling to that. 

I will welcome the day when this body is no longer tormented with seizures. I long for the day they will only be a bad reminder of the past. Until then, I'm grateful for my boys that lovingly help me. 

I will try again to pray for sleep. I hope for healing.... And a dream to someday be seizure free. 





 

Campout

Hayden went on a campout and canoeing trip this weekend. 

Thomas received a text on argues day night from Hayden, "Dad, there is a scout campout on Friday night. I really want to go. Is that ok?" Thomas and I were shocked. He hasn't been a big fan of camp outs lately and we didn't think he would go. He was talking all about it and so excited. Brother Turley called and asked what we had done to Hayden. He was happy and excited to go. We laughed and said Q96. He even told Brother Turkey he wanted to try canoeing. 

He came home all excited and wanting to go. His excitement actually grew over the week. Nervousness and apprehension and anxiety never kicked in. 

This was Hayden right before he left, happy, smiling and in anticipation of a great weekend. 

He came home just as happy. He loved the trip. He made friends. He loved canoeing, even the tipping of the canoes. He was thrilled. He enjoyed it. He loved it. 

I love seeing him embracing life, experiencing new things and loving life. I love how the "Q" is helping him. He's amazing. 

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Enrichment night speaker

As I walked into the enrichment night for visiting teaching on Thursday, I grew nervous. There were so many people. So many people I did not know at all. Our ward has grown and changed. We are having new families move in like crazy. Each month for the past six months or so, has brought at least 8 new families a month. We are bursting at the seams. 

So, to face so many new people with such a personal story was a little intimidating. Thoughts raced thru my mind as I prayed fervently to just be able to survive. I started to sweat. As I looked around, with more than double of sisters expected, I noticed everyone was getting hot. Great. The number one thing to take me out, and the quickest, heat. My hands started to sweat just as my body felt hot. My throat grew dry and I needed a Kleenex. I found it hard to concentrate on the skit as I was just pleading for strength to survive and the courage to tell my story. 

As I stood, I began to wobble and shake. I tried to steady myself but the room began to sway. Oh no. Not now, I thought. You can do this, Jerlyn. The Savior will walk you thru this. He has never left you nor forsaken you. 

Luckily, Kim saw my unsteadiness. She offered a chair to sit in. I was grateful. The jerking stopped. I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer and started. As I looked out among so many sisters that have sacrificed for us, who have made meals, taken Hayden places, taught him, driven me to appointments, fasted for me, prayed for me and showered me with love, my heart was so touched. 

As I spoke, the words came easily, as did my overwhelming emotion of gratitude and love. As I spoke, I saw the hand of my Savior so clearly. I fought to keep the tears at bay. Tears of gratitude, appreciation, long hard days fought with persistence and love for my ward family and Savior. 

We laughed together and cried together. We worshiped and gave thanks for the kindness and mercifulness of our Savior. We longed for peace and healing. We were wrapped in the Holy Ghost. He tenderly touched our hearts that evening. 

All eyes were wet with tears, as the spirit was too strong to deny or hold back from. His love was all encompassing. The Kleenex box passed down each row, then circled the room again. Here were no dry eyes. There was no denying the Spirit present or the love shown by our Savior. We all basked in His love. 

As I finished, I felt the Savior's gentle reassurance, "well done". 

Christy Layton gave the closing prayer. In it, she thanked the Savior for showing us that our efforts to love and care for one another, do actually matter. She thanked Him for allowing her to know that what she did, actually made a difference. That the promptings she received weren't just silly thoughts of her mind by put actually answers to prayers and promptings from the Holy Ghost. I was touched. Isn't that what we all desire? To know our efforts matter and they are enough? 

As the meeting ended, I was hugged by so many people in the room. I was given love. I was given encouragement. I was given gratitude and again showered in love. I felt so much love. 

I reacquainted with old friends, expressed individual appreciation to so many or my ward family and friends. And I was lucky enough to be able to meet so many new people. New sisters. New friends. 

We were all uplifted and encouraged. We were all strengthened. We all renewed our commitment to care for one another and serve our Savior. 

I am so grateful for the gift I was given. The gift of health and strength, even if temporary, in order to accomplish something so important. To reach beyond myself and show those the impact they have had on my life and that of my family's life. 

I arrived home, exhausted, but inspired and uplifted. Grateful for the strength given to me by my Savior. Grateful,for the miracles. Grateful for the love shown. 

Do I have a testimony of visiting teaching? Absolutely...it has changed our lives in beautiful ways. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Visiting teaching talk

I'm speaking tomorrow night at a visiting teaching conference and enrichment night. I'm excited and nervous. In awe that my story has such a reach and interest. 

Hi. My name is Jerlyn Murphy. I am married to my wonderful husband Thomas and we have an amazing 12 year old son, Hayden. Many of you probably do not know our family because of the amazing journey we have been in in the last five years. But in order to understand the miracles, my story must be somewhat understood. 

Five years ago, Thomas and I were ecstatic as my pregnancy was progressing and we would be lucky enough to add twins to our family. We were elated and it felt as if all of the heartache from the previous failed adoptions and miscarriages would be worth it as we brought these new spirits into our family.  However, Happiness quickly turned to sadness as I miscarried these precious babies. I had miscarried many times before and this was not normal. I grew sicker and felt awful.  Six months later, we would figure out I had only completely miscarried one baby. Causing huge problems, an emergency hysterectomy. The next eighteen months consisted of five surgeries and a desperate search to repair my ailing body. 

The surgery that was supposed to end this medical journey, quickly turned wrong, as my main artery was clipped in surgery, I bled out and died. I had lost three fourths the blood in my body. To complicat matters, I would have a stroke and be given the wrong blood type. From there, I started into seizures and loss of consciousness, fighting for my life and dealing with autoimmune and autonomic disorders. 

For the past three years, I have been bedridden, for the most part. I am unable to regulate body temperature causing loss of consciousness and seizures when I'm out in the sun or heat. Cold weather bring blood clots. I have endured transplants and procedures. Meningitis and a coma. Pneumonia and multiple brushes with death. And a rare autoimmune disorder that mimicks Parkinson's, MS and Lupus.  My good days consisted of sitting on the couch instead of lying in bed. 

I was unable to care for myself, much less my son. I needed help to just get up and walk to the bathroom and to bed. I needed to find rides for him, to and from school, help with homework, rides to activities. I needed people to bring in dinner, clean my house, do laundry, grocery shop and do all the things required to run a household. Life became very crazy. Depending on the day, or month, I would also require around the clock care. 

We were so lucky to have help of this amazing ward. When I had a transplant and 24/7 care was needed, the relief society arranged for sisters to come on a daily schedule to help me and be there for Hayden. When we had to move, they arranged shifts to pack, clean our home and unpack our new house. Countless meals were brought in and an abundance of love was shown. 

Sometime during that first 18 months that we were searching for answers, my sweet visiting teacher brought over a copy of a conference talk by Elder Eyring. It talked of noticing the Lords hand in our lives each and every day. Desperate to bring peace and understanding and do all we could to bring the Spirit into our lives, we took the challenge and included this in our nightly family prayer and scripture study. 

As we began to look each night for the ways The Lord had blessed our lives and sent tender mercies to our family, we realized that although we could see the Savior in each act, the kindness, the answer, the blessing and the sweet tender mercy came from others who listened to the spirit and followed promptings. 

A couple of months after I bled out, Hayden came home from school craving popcorn. He loves popcorn and ate it every afternoon. We didn't have any and it was a rare occasion that no one was there but it was just me and my boy so he had to wait. I wasn't feeling well and went to sleep. Thomas came home and a sweet sister brought in dinner. 

As our nightly routine, My husband woke me up for prayers and our nightly routine. It was our sons turn to pray. In the prayer, I hear my son say, "and thank you for the sweet church lady that brought popcorn for dessert. I know if you are going to send me popcorn when I want it, I know you know how much more I want my mom to live. So if you are going to make sure I have popcorn when u want it, I know my mom will live." Tears streamed down my face. My sons fears melted away and his prayers were answered. I will tell you, in three years with many many meals brought in, that is the only time anyone brought popcorn for dessert. It was a testament that the Savior walked with us. 

Another day, the door bell rang. I went to answer it and again a sweet sister stood at my door. She said, "I'm here. What do you need?" I smiled and said I didn't think I needed anything but I appreciate you checking on me. She said, no. What do you need? I was driving down the road I felt the spirit say, "Jerlyn needs you right now."  So, I turned my car around and came over. I wasn't sure why she had that prompting as I was ok. Within five minutes, the school called. Hayden had a half day and no one showed up to get him. Do you have anyone that can come pick him up?" The Savior knew me needs and prompted someone to answer my needs. 

When Hayden turned 10, I was especially sick. There was no possible way I could stand and make a cake or make him his favorite birthday meal. Thomas was going to pick something up on his way home from work. A sweet sister called and asked what Hayden's favorite meal was and what kind of cake he liked. She said she was making a cake and dinner and would drop it off. I assured her that we were ok. It was her daughter's birthday and she didn't need to be making two completely different meals and cakes. That was crazy. She insisted. And I was touched. That night, on his way home from work, Tjomas received a call from the hospital. His mom was not doing well and would be thrown I to emergency surgery. She needed a blessing right away. Thomas was torn. Take care of his son and wife on his sons birthday or take care of his mom. When I told him that dinner and a birthday cake was just dropped off, we were ok, the Savior had looked out for us and in doing so, let him know where he needed to be...with his mom. 

And one that will forever touch my heart, is the day of my first immune system transplant at Mayo Clinic. The procedure was risky. It was critical for any chance at my survival but only came with a 10% chance of survival. We were nervous. My sweet sister went with me. As the drugs were administered and they began to take effect on my body, my body rejected them harshly and severely. I grew deathly ill. Emergency meds were used to bring me back. My vision left. I was deathly ill and it was scary. As the doctors pulled me back, my sister and I talked. She looked so tired and emotionally drained. I asked if she was ok. She just said she wanted to go home and sit in a ball and cry and sleep. Instead, I need to go home and make dinner, and I never made it grocery shopping. I have two kids that need to be at two different games and homework to help with. 

She went home and opened the fridge trying to come up with anything. As she turned around, sitting on the counter, was a beautiful dinner brought in my another sweet sister in her ward. It was my sisters favorite meal. The Savior had not forgotten her. He knew what she needed. As she saw the food, a sweet feeling came across her. As you take care of your sister, I will help take care of you. Her prayer of how to continue and keep all the balls in the air juggling came from that meal. Later, as she asked her visiting teacher why she brought a meal over, she said that as she was putting the finally touches in dinner, she felt the Spirit say, The Davis' need this meal more than you do. So she wrapped it up, dropped it off and took her own family to Filibertos for dinner. 

I could go on for days on end of all the experiences and all the times my prayers were answered by my visiting teachers and the sweet sisters in our ward. They have strengthened my testimony and met our families temporal and spiritual needs. 

So I began to realize that if I needed something, my Savior provided it for me. One particular day, I was really struggling. Hayden had an event at school that I was too sick to go to. I was struggling to just survive. My heart was broken and shattered into little pieces. I was struggling to hold on. Find hope and peace and comfort. I pleaded with the Savior for help. I prayed for someone to come sit with me so I wouldn't face this broken heart alone. Every hour I prayered and each hour brought deafening silence and unanswered prayers. I pleaded for peace. Strength. Any glimmer of hope. 

That night as I knelt down in prayer, I asked the Savior why when I really needed someone, he didn't send help. The answer that came was not what I expected. I felt his words. "Jerlyn, do you know how many people I prompted to come over? How many I told to drop what they were doing and visit you? I want to answer prayers, but the way I do it is through others here on earth. He continued. Do you know how many times I have prompted you to visit someone and you said ok, I'll fit it in this week. Or, perfect. I'll make brownies tonight and take them over tomorrow. There were people that needed you, not the brownies, but I need willing saints to do my work." That conversation changed me and I began praying that I would never again postpone a prompting. That I would respond when mymSavior called. 

By the way, because this ward in amazing. The next day, we received homemade bread and brownies, cookies and flowers,  a book on hope and many hugs. The sisters did hear the prompting of the spirit and did follow through, and Hayden thought it was one of the greatest days ever. 

Visiting teaching, taking care of one another became something I studied. There is only one church calling that we take by covenant. Visiting teaching. When we are baptized, we covenant to bear one another's burden, to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. As we visit teach our sisters, we are keeping our baptismal covenants with our Savior. 

Our Savior loves us. He wants to bless us. He wants to help us and guide us and comfort us. How he d"oes that is through one another. Sure. He could miraculously give us all we need but that isn't his way. His way is prompting us to help one another. To bear one another's burdens that they may be light. I know that as we pray to listen to the spirit, the Savior will help us. He will prompt us. He will guide us. Just as the sister stopped and came over and said I am here... What can I help with? We can  be the hands that help.  As we do what the Spirit prompts, even when It doesn't make sense, we can bring popcorn to a young boy and help the Savior be a piece of the answer to a prayer. And as we heed the call, we can be apart of the miracles and tender mercies that The Lord sends each day. We can help in being reason that someone sees the hand of God in their lives. 

Sisters, my gratitude to each of you is beyond words. I am grateful for all the ways that you have blessed my life and blessed my family. I am thankful for the love and support. I could have never survived this journey without your love, meals, help and prayers. 

I have a firm testimony of this gospel. Our Savior lives. I am alive because of his love. He has spared my life time and time again. He has answered my prayers. He has prompted those to ease the burdens that were placed in my back. I testify that as we keep our baptismal covenants and take care of our sisters here, we will be blessed and our burdens will be lighter. 

This church is true. The plan of salvation is real. This life is not the end. What we do here matters. I love you. I love this gospel. 


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Robin Williams

Like many of those blogging and posting about Robin Williams death, I will miss him. He has brought much laughter and joy into our home. He has brought inspiration and joy. Hope and love. Encouragement and aspiration.  

As I heard of Robin Williams' suicide, my immediate reaction was "oh no. Too bad no one told him about Q96. It could have really helped him and helped ease his heartache and struggles."

My niece, Ann, deals with the daily struggles and frustrations of dealing with crippling bi-polar disorder. She struggled when she lived with us, but we didn't know all she faced. Why she was up and down, happy or depressed, overjoyed or lying in bed. She flipped at the drop of a pin. I didn't understand. 

In the years since she lived with us, she has been diagnosed and working on help. She has see psychologists and psychiatrists. She has been hospitalized and wondered how to live and keep going. She has accomplished much. 

I thought of her and her hero, Robin Williams. I wondered how his death and suicide would effect her. 

I wish I could shout from the roof tops. I know of something that can help with bipolar disorder, depression, both mild and severe, ADHD, autism, ODD, RAD, OCD, fibromyalgia, strokes and more. I now have the tools to effectively combat these debilitating diseases and disorders. 

I also know that most with these diseases have lost hope. They have tried so my options and treatments. They have had false hole that never materialized. They are tired of "hoping" and "trying". They want help but don't feel like anything can help anymore. 

To each of you reading this...I have found so hint that is helping many many people. From autism to ADHD. To depression and bipolar disorder. 

If you want to try. I will help you. 

I listened to a call on bipolar disorder today and heard amazing advice. 

"If your problem is micronutrient deficiencies than Q96 will help cute those deficiencies. You will see results."  Q96 will give you the ability to get up, to think more clearly, to focus, to tackle the to do list."  It will calm the storm. It will ease the suffering. 

If you suffer. Please. Call me. Email me. Message me. Something. 
My website is www.murphy.myqxlife.com. 
I will send info. I can get you in touch with doctors to help. I will help you. 

I hate to see suffering. My heart aches for those who feel there is no where to turn besides taking of one's own life. My heart breaks for those loved ones left behind. For those that wonder "what if?"  

Your life is worth living. Your future brighter and filled with more hope. You are a child of God and have amazing worth. You have a Father in Heaven that loves you. An older brother, that died, for you. Friends and family. Loved ones. Many who love and adore you. 

Reach out. Find the hand to hold. The person to carry you until you can walk again. The road is hard. But oh so doable. The pain can end. Your suffering can stop. Your heart and mind can heal. You can feel whole again. You can feel complete. Don't forget how truly you are loved and how much worth you have. Hold on. Make a call. Take heart. 

I know of something that can help. Let's try. Who's in with me? Let's work on your future, building it back, one day you will be free from the torment and pain. And you will be here on earth to experience the great joy that life still has to offer. I believe in you. 

I may die...

Sunday night, as I fell I to bed, the thought crossed my mind.... "I think I really may die!" 

I was exhausted. Three days of partying. Three days of leaving the house. Three days of celebrating. Three days of going and doing. 

I cannot remember the last time I felt good enough to celebrate for an hour, much less on and off doe three full days. I was in awe. 

However, I was absolutely and with all my heart EXhAUSTED!!!

I had nothing left. Not an ounce of energy. All wiped.  All gone. I hurt at every pore and every molecule of my body. I cried out of pain. 

Monday morning brought pain I have not experienced in over a month. I cried as I felt just downright awful. I asked Thomas if I had endured this much pain over the course of three years. He said yes, this and more. I forgot quickly what it was like to feel so absolutely exhausted and awful. 

I was scared that I would never recover. I was reminded that just a short time ago, I was in a very different situation. I found myself back in bed. Flat in bed. 

I know it will get better. I know I will recover eventually. But I overdid it beyond belief. I almost killed myself, literally. I overdid it and I am paying dearly. I'm back in bed. Yes, I will eventually work my way back.out of bed. 

But, for now, I will remember to take it slow and easy. I will nurse my way back to health. I will take care of this body of mine. 

But, as I do, I will smile. Because I feel loved and cared about. I was able to celebrate with my family and loved ones. I felt on top of the world. 

But for today.. I still think I may literally die from over exhaustion. Bummer. I need to learn the scripture "do not run faster than you have strength". Oops. Forgot that one.