Thursday, October 23, 2014

Little Things

It's the little things that make life doable and endurable. 

A couple of night ago...other than I am alive and am surrounded by wonderful people and of course all the benefits that come with that and the beloved gospel of Jesus Christ in my life..... I was struggling. I felt like the trials were piling and I am drowning. 

However, like I have done so many times, I knelt down and handed it over to my Savior. I told him I was overwhelmed and done. I tried and tried and couldn't figure it out. I guess that I has taken too much back over. When I trust the Savior completely, I find peace and help and answers. Instead, I think I must do it all. How many times must I learn?!

Yesterday morning , I woke up. I wasn't going to dwell on finding answers. I would walk and trust the Savior that. He would "bear my burdens that they may be light". Every thought that would come into my head, I would pray it back to my Savior, telling. Him I would "do" anything in my power but I needed guidance and direction and answers. Fear and frustration and anxiety wasn't helping me.  

I had prayed as to whether or not to try to develop q96 more or pursue other opportunities for financial gain. Of course I would take it but should we focus on building a business. I prayed for an answer for Christmas. I prayed for disability date to be confirmed. I prayed for peace. 

I received so many calls on Q96 and so many orders. I received a letter from the state and department of social security stating they would arrange a video conference so I wouldn't have to go to the courthouse as they thought I was too sick. And I figured some ideas for Christmas. My prayers were answered when I turned it over to the Savior. 

When I tried working it out and carrying it and "fixing" things, I failed miserably. When I handed it over to my Savior, things started to fall into place. 

It amazes me every time. It shouldn't. My Savior always takes care of me. Always. And  he provides more than I could ever dream of. 

I'm so grateful for a loving Savior that knows me, Jerlyn. He knows the struggles I face. He knows thw pain I endure. He knows my needs and my wants and my desires. He knows my husband and son. He knows what they need and how to help. I love Him. I'm grateful. And I am so relieved today and filled with the Spirit. 

Walks

Tuesday night, Thomas and I talked. I knew with all of the stress and challenges in life right now, I needs to make changes. I told him I was going to try to start walking early in the morning. I may only make it a few houses but the dogs needed it, Hayden needed it and I needed it. 

I said walk and Max went from sleeping to pulling at his leash. He would not stop. So Thomas ended up taking the dogs for,walk at 11pm at night. I had told Max. No. In the morning.  When boy wakes up, we will go for a walk. Since Thomas took him, I gpfigure he wouldn't remember. 

Boy was I wrong. Max was peacefully asleep. When Hayden woke up and went to the bathroom, Max climbed out from bed and looked around. When Hayden laid down on the bed, Max attacked him. He kissed him and kept trying to get him up. He then ran to get his leash. He remembered. Crazy dog. 

I got up and put on my big hat and sunglasses and we went for a walk around the block. It was beautiful. Seriously. Birds chirping, the sun rising, a gentle breeze blowing and the smell of fall in the air. I took a deep breath. My heart loved it. 

I have been stuck indoors since we went to the beach. And before that, it was May since I was able to be outside for more than just the seconds it takes to get from the door to the car. Sunshine and fresh air are so nice. I'm loving this weather. 

After we walked the block, I supervised. Hayden weeding. Well I may have bent down some. Oh man sakes alive am I sore and exhausted today. But it feels so good at the same time. The pups were in Heaven. 

This morning, they woke up again ready and willing to go on their walk. This morning, Thomas woke me up earlier and he walked with us. I was so slow that Hayden lapped us. Maya would stop and smell as I tried to out one foot on front of the other. I laughed I went so slow. But it doesn't matter. I DID IT! I walked two days in a row. Now, I crawled back on bed and haven't been out since. I'm not sure that I will be able to the rest of the day. But that doesn't matter. I got some sunshine without passing out and it felt great. 

The doctor thinks early early morning or late evening sun, with hats and sunglasses, and I may be able to endure up to 10 minutes in the outside. Heaven I tell you. Sheer Heaven.  Boy does it do something for my mood to increase my time outside. 

Life is good. It really is. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Myth Busters

Oh how I cringe every time I hear the name of that show. Crazy. One month ago, it was our "go to". Down time in homeschool or needing a break, Myth Busters to the rescue. When I absolutely could not move one more step and desperately needed a nap, no matter what just the mention of. Myth Busters and Hayden was entertained and I was able to get a much needed break or nap. And I loved watching the funny antics of the guys trying to bust the myth. It's amazing how much I actually learned by watching that show. 

We canceled cable but told Hayden it didn't matter because his three favorite shows were on Netflix... Myth Busters, River. Monsters and A Monster Inside Me. Smiles stretched across his face and an ok because he was excited he had his shows. 

No kidding, within a couple of weeks of us canceling cable, what does Netflix do? They switch their line up. They drop not just his beloved Myth Busters from the lineup but also River Monsters, A Monster iNside Me, What Would. You Do? And so many more of his "go to" favorites. 

Really? You have got to be kidding me. 

Oh well. I break the news to him and he checks for himself. He enters "m y t h space b u s t e r s" into netflix. Nothing. He goes to the computer to search it up and types it in. Nothing. He switches to Hulu, he again searches for Myth busters and his list of favorites. Not there. He again checks the computer and frantically searches for any way to get his daily "fix" of his shows and his escape. Nothing. 

There may have been serious mourning. But I figured that was the end. What? Drop something? Forget about something he loves? (We STILL have discussions frequently about our beloved dog, Toby that was killed by a car when the landscapers left the gate open. He was four. 8 years ago yet every time. Max or Maya almost get out the gate he screams something about Toby. Yet I distress and got sidetracked.)

The next day Hayden gets up. What is the first thing he does? Checks  netflix and Hulu. Did Myth Busters miraculously appear overnight? Ok. I don't think much about it. He's disappointed. After lunch, he again checks for Myth Busters, this time asking if he is possibly misspelling it. I assure him. Netflix doesn't change shows daily. After dinner, he again checks. I smile to myself and tell myself how much I love him and his qwerks. 

Day after day, the same thing occurs. Wake up...check. Netflix. Afternoon. Check Netflix and. Hulu. Night time check again....just in case. 

This Monday morning rolls around. Hayden goes to pick up the remote to check for Myth Busters and River. Monsters. It's not there. I again sit him down. I explain that they carry certain shows for awhile and then switch to others. They do not change back daily or weekly but especially not hourly. I tell him we need to find a new series. Maybe. Blue Planet or the new National. Geographic series. He reluctantly says ok. I then tell him to drop Myth Busters. No more searching it up. I was not very nice or friendly about it. I lost it. We have talks and talked about it. How do I get thru to him??? Augh. I walked in the other room and called Thomas and told him when he got home, he had to deal with this. I couldn't handle having this discussion even one more time. 

I walk in my room a couple of hours later....what is he doing? Searching for Myth. Busters. I tell him to stop. I take the remote and tell him to finish his assignments. At that point, I looked him in the eyes and asked why he wasn't getting it. I told him he was obsessed with it and needed to stop. What does he do? Mid-sentence he cuts me off and explains all about OCD and how Chad and he both have it and he couldn't help it. I admit, bad mom moment, I tuned him out. I couldn't do it anymore. I gave up. 

Thomas called on his way home. I broke down into tears. Not just about Myth Busters or OCD but just the insecurity I feel and my own inadequacy. I cried. I lost it. Thomas came home and before he even made dinner he sat us both on the couch. He looked at me and then Hayden. He lovingly talked to us and expressed his sorry that we both had such a rough day. Then, he said a prayer. For our home to be filled with love. To be filled with the Spirit. 

Then he does what my husband is so great at doing. He laid his hands gently upon my head and gave me a priesthood blessing of comfort and peace. That I would feel calm and again carry the Spirit with me. That I might be still inside and hear the promptings of the Spirit and our Savior. That I would be guided in how to help our son. That I would feel the strength of my Savior while parenting. And that I am the mom for my boy. 

The peace came. The day and feelings of frustration and hopelessness and despair and anger dissipated. Peace and love filled my heart. I was promised help in guiding my son. 

The , my dear husband switched from husband to father. He again utilized his priesthood power and laid his hands on Hayden's head and called down the powers of Heaven. Hayden was promised by his loving Father in Heaven that his OCD would be calmed and he would find peace. He was told he would quit worrying about the things he could not control. And peace and calmness entered his heart, as it did mine. 

Thomas then made egg and bacon and ham and onion and cheese omelets. One of our favorite dinners. It was delicious. Thomas sat on the couch next to me and my boy. For family night, we found new shows that could be watched together. Thomas helped Hayden decide what other things could be watched during documentary time. 

We had a very short family home evening. But we felt the Spirit. Was saw and felt the changes the priesthood blessings brought into our home. 

It's now Thursday. Hayden has not once asked for Myth Busters. I have faith in priesthood blessings. They calm my spirit and soul and ease my troubled heart. Whether I need peace from mothering a boy with needs I cannot meet or just to have a calmness in my mind, I am so grateful for a loving husband who knows what we need and follows the Spirit. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Struggles. Humbling moments. Gratitude. And enough.

My heart is full of thanks and gratitude. 

Life is sometimes difficult. Things do not go the way we plan. Trials upon trials come. So many that I wonder how to handle them. I wonder which one to tackle first. I get overwhelmed and don't have a clue what to do. I wonder how I will make it. I plead with my Savior for understanding and direction and for comfort and for peace. I kneel down and pray for guidance and help. It seems the harder I try and the more I try to do, the more the trials pile on. No area of my life is immune. I wonder why. I question everything about myself. Why can't I figure it out? Why can't I do what I need to do? What can't I seem to make the financial numbers work? When will our sacrifices be enough? How much must we do without and give up until it will be enough? Why is every aspect of my life affected? 

We struggle. Shocker. I know. We struggle with my health. We struggle knowing what to do to try to help me. We struggle with financial issues. We struggle to pay the monthly bills. Ok. We cannot pay all of our monthly bills. We have cut back and given up everything I know how to. We cut cable and phones. We cut all extra activities. We are down to the basic necessities of life yet it isn't enough. We struggle knowing how to help Hayden. We struggle trying to homeschool him and make sure I am giving him enough. Trying to teach him without spending any money. We struggle with others looking down on us. They tell me if I had enough faith or was more righteous, we would be given what we need. Or I would be healed. We struggle to get me the medical necessities I need to survive. We struggle to put food on the table. We struggle to know what the Savior wants us to do. We struggle. We fall down. We plead for help. We plead for understanding. 

There are days it seems we will never make it. There are moments I completely break down and freak out. There are moments that I cry and scream into my pillow. There are days I feel that I wish I could curl in a ball and give up and die. That the entire world, especially my sweet son and wonderful husband would be so much better without me here. 

But then my Savior picks me up. He lets me know that from a worldly and earthly perspective I may not be enough. We do not have enough money. We do not have health. We do not have jobs that make a lot of money or come with accolades of the world. We do not wear fancy clothes or drive fancy cars. We don't have the means to help ourselves much less others. 

But we do love one another and we love our Savior. We know the gospel of Jesus Christ is the true church. We know we lived before we came here and we will live again after we leave this earth. We know that the money and wealth and cars and clothing and homes will be left behind. We will not be asked how much money was in our bank account but whether we paid an honest tithe. Did we sacrifice for the Savior. Did we love others. Did we frugally and honestly do the best with what we were given? Did we love? Did we serve? Did we share what we had? 

Yes. I may be a failure in the eyes of the world. My life may have little worth to those seeking worldly applause. 

But, somehow, even though I have so little that matters earthly, even as I have surrendered or lost all wealth and money and are poor as church mice, my Savior loves me. 

I'm grateful to belong to a church that loves the poor. That believes that we are all our brother's keeper. I'm grateful for kind and loving and generous people who help out. I'm grateful for the welfare program of the church. And as hard as it has been to accept help we are definitely blessed by having it. 

I never thought I would get to the point of not knowing where our next meal would come from. Or that I would be fearful I couldn't feed my son and family. Where we would have to figure out whether to have electricity or food or gas for Thomas to get to work. Yet. Here we sit. 

We are humbled. We are grateful. I didn't know I could cry so many tears as I have cried in the past month of my life. I didn't know it was possible to be so poor. I didn't know how scary this could be. It is so humbling. So humiliating. So frustrating and such a helpless feeling. It is one of the hardest and scariest trials I have been thru. 

Yet, as the food order from the church came in and Thomas came how. From the Bishop's warehouse, I was so grateful. Tears fell freely down my face. As Hayden helped put food away, he asked about all the food with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints written upon the bags. He commented that he was scared because there was no longer food in our home. He then asked a question I wasn't prepared to answer. He said, "Mom, when we pay fast offerings and tithing isn't it to help the poor?" I said yes. It is there to help those struggling to get by. He then looked down and not in my eyes, and added, "Mom, are we poor? Are we the ones that are the poor and needy that the scriptures talk about?" I replied yes we are. I told him it was temporary. I told him that we had helped many other people throughout the years by always paying an honest tithe and generous fast offering. He then had a tear in his eye as he asked me, "Mom, am I an honest tithe layer? Have I paid all I could? Have I done all the Savior has asked so I can eat this food knowing I've given all the Savior has asked of me?"  I hugged my son. I assured him that yes. He was a full tithe payer and was in good standing with the Savior. He was relieved. 

Today, as we ate lunch that was made of the food provided from the Bishop's Storehouse, he asked a sweet question. He said, "Mom, are the bakers and cooks from the church professionals? Because this food tastes better than anything bought in the grocery store." I smiled. I assured him that all those from the church were volunteers. But this food was made with love and a touch of goodness from the Savior. He smiled. He asked if when he was old enough if he could learn to volunteer at the Bishop's Storehouse or in canning food or in some way. I assured him yes. The Lord is always in need of willing hands. 

So, once again, as I feel my life is over and I have surcumbed to an all new low, my Savior picks me up and shows me it is ok. I'm ok. I'm enough. Even needing help from the church. Even needing to fill out a food order. Even needing help to sustain our most basics of needs. I am still enough. 

I may struggle. I may have trials upon trials. I may have friends and family walk away from me. I may have those that feel that because of my trials that we must be sinners. I may lose my home and cars and have to sell all I own but I will always be enough in the eyes if my Savior if I give my all and do my best. 

All He requires is a willing and humble heart. I may not have much but I have that. And my heart and hands and all that I have I would gladly and willingly give to Him. After all, I am indebted to Him for every breath, every day, every opportunity, every forgiveness and even my ability to repent. For without Him, I am nothing. 

Yes. Life may be hard and trials may be overwhelming but I am His and that alone is enough. 

Phoenix temple open house

Saturday night we went to the temple open house with Jodi and family, Suzi, Kiley, and all of the Davis gang. It was a so beautiful inside. I love the calmness and peacefulness inside the temple. The woodwork was beautiful. I loved being in the temple with my family. 

I am so grateful that Thomas and I were sealed in the temple. It is so comforting to know that we are sealed for time and all eternity. Death cannot separate us. We will be together forever. I loved sharing my feelings for my family with Hayden in the temple. 

I went thru the temple in a wheelchair. I was still exhausted. They wheeled me back to the car. But the walk from the car to Jodi's front door was absolutely the longest walk of my life. I almost collapsed. I made it to her recliner and passed out. I woke up sometime after most had eaten. I ate. I visited for a little bit. I tried to be social  I loved being with my sister. But, sheer exhaustion took over and I had to go to bed. I made it to Brooklyns's bed where I collapsed and was asleep as I fell into bed. 

We awoke the next morning said our goodbyes and drove home. I hate saying goodbye to my sister. She gave me an extra long hug. It was if she was worried that it might be her last. Not sure. I felt something. I'm so grateful for her. I've been so so so blessed. One of my greatest blessings in life is having Jodi for my sweet sister. She has done so much for me. She comforts me. She loves me. She cares about me. She is one of my greatest supporters. She believes in me no matter what. I am grateful to know that we will also be together after this life. 

Me with Jodi and Kiley and Brooklyn waiting for everyone to show up I enter the temple. 
Suzi, me and Jodi after the Temple. Oh how I love them. 

Hayden, Kiley and Brooklyn.... Cousins and best friends forever. 

Me patiently being pushed by a temple worker. I'm so grateful for good people. 

My sweet sister and her family that I love. 
Cousins ....crazy cousins but fun. 

Paaarrrtttyyyy!!!!!!

When Jodi brought her gang and came to make cupcakes, we had so much fun!!!!!

Jodi and her sweet bunch came over really late Thursday night after she had been to meetings and practices and taken care of a sick husband and done all of the many things she needed to do. Needless to say when the kids got her after 10pm, they wanted to play, not go to bed. And I wanted to chat with my sweet sister and catch up. So we did. We all talked and laughed and just soaked in the precious moments we were able to spend together. It was well after 11pm,when we finally got everyone down.  

Jodi arose early in the am before 6am to start the cupcake adventure. She had cupcakes upon cupcakes going in. She had frosting ready. She also had children that needed to eat. They had birthday parties. They had their own birthday celebrations for Brooklyn and Talmage's birthdays with Grandma and Grandpa Simonton. Jodi would get batches done and run kids to a party. She would head back and frost cupcakes and go pick the next group up and get them ready for the next adventure. 

Katie and Lisa were lifesavers and helped to bake and keep things going whole Jodi was running kids places. I was so grateful they came and helped. 

Of course, we had fun talking. I just love my sister and her sweet kids being around. My dad and Bonnie stopped by to pick up the birthday kids. They went to Toys r Us and the movies and met us for dinner at the Apple Dumpling Cafe. Yummy!  

Jodi had so much to do and so many deliveries and so many interruptions that she had to stay over another night and leave at 6am Saturday morning to get it done. Suzi helped with deliveries on Friday night. So many sacrificed. So much love was given. 

I'm so grateful. I am so blessed. I have so many earthly angels in my life. They lift me. They guide me. They bless my life. I am so incredibly blessed and surrounded by the best. I love these great ones in my life. 















Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Julie's birthday

Julie came over on Sunday night for dinner and to watch a movie. We are so lucky to have her as part of our lives. She is amazing to us. She always helps out. She loves us and would do anything for us. She jumps in whenever needed and sees needs before we ask. She loves the pups almost as much as we do and they adore her. She is wonderful to Hayden and will help Thomas move things or even store junk in her garage for us. She treats me like her own. I'm so so grateful for her. She is an earthly angel that we all adore. 

In a couple of hours, on her birthday, she will come over early and pick Hayden up and take him to brain mapping and neurofeedback. She will sit with him for two hours. She will then take him to get lunch and to her journalism class with her. There he will be assigned stories. On the way home she will stop and get me a diet coke and lunch if I want it. She will drop Hayden off. 

She will then run home to feed her dogs and make the long trek back to Tempe for a birthday celebration. She will spend most of her day, as she does every Tuesday, taking care of us. 

She sacrifices and gives and does for and treats us wonderfully. We love you, Julie. Today and always. So grateful for you and the angel you are in our lives.