All I could do is try to breathe, endure the unbearable pain and hold on tight. I prayed with all my might, received many priesthood blessings and held on with everything I had.
There were so many moments when it became simply unbearable. The weight was so heavy. The trial so difficult.
Although sleeping and being drowsy was frustrating and I felt so guilty leaving Hayden awake alone, it was a tender mercy and gift. My body would give out under the deep pain, almost slip
Into an unconscious state and find relief in sleep.
As I am again grateful for the gradual relief I am beginning to feel and the daily small steps towards some relief, I am grateful for the strength given to me by my Savior.
I've promised Him that I will hold on. Most days lately, that is all I can do. I physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally cling to my Savior. I beg for him to help me. To give me what I need to cling to him and life.
So many days I wonder how my body can take much more torment and pain and illness. I began to wonder if the fight is still doable.
One thing I know. Not sure how this chapter in my story will end. How my earth life will transfer to the spirit world. But this I promise, I will give my all. I will keep walking. I will keep going. I will keep holding on. I will not quit. I will not give up.
I've given my all to this fight. I feel the forces of hell and the adversary send their fiery darts and the ways they beat on me. But I have also been lifted by angels. I've been surrounded in love and peace. I've been comforted by the beloved Comforter himself. I've been wrapped and protected in my Savior's arms. The Savior has shielded me from the adversary. He has lifted me. He has blessed me. And with Him, I can do all that is required of me. This I know.
So when my story ends. Please kno this is just chapter two of my story. I will just be in the next phase. Still
Holding on. Still fighting like crazy for my sweet son, cherished husband and beloved loved ones. I will fight for them always. I will never quit. I will never give up. I'm in this until the victory of good and evil has been won. And although there are days the fight seems impossible and I've given my very last bit of energy and strength, I know I will be strengthen by my precious Savior. He will send angels to bear me up in my weakest of moments.
I am not alone. I testify with every breath I have that my Savior, my Redeemer, my Protector, my comforter and beloved older brother walks this road with me. And with him, giving up is never an option. For he is at my side. He is beating me up, giving me strength, holding me and giving me what I require to continue this fight. This walk is about so much more than just physical endurance. It is fighting for all that is right. All that is good. All that promised when this life is thru.
I want to kneel at my Savior's feet and be able to earnestly say. "I gave all I had. I held nothing back. I wore my life out in service to Thee. I did my best to fight a good fight. All that I did, all that I accomplished, everything was because of thee, thy strength, thy goodness. I did my best. Please forgive me of my shortcomings and weaknesses. I desire to be in thy presence." I know my Savior will stretch out His arms, embrace me, like he has done countless times here. And he will welcome me home.
Until that great day. Until my battle and fight is ended. I will fight. I will move forward. I will be His. And I will never give up.
How lucky am I to be His precious daughter! For that, I am truly humbled and grateful.
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