Venting

I really try not to complain here (or anywhere) for that matter. I chose this. I made a conscious decision to stay here and be with my loved ones. Therefore, I feel like my ability to complain has been taken from me. How do I express frustration when I have my life? I am here with my loved ones, for which I am extremely grateful.

However, there are days this weak body of mine really frustrates me. Today is one of those days. The pain is almost more than I can bear. I am definitely at the complete top of my threshold for pain tolerance. Each breath I take in, sends streaks of stabbing pain throughout my body. Its as if each breath sends shocking pain, as the oxygen circulates throughout my body. The only thing more painful than breathing is moving. To move. To breathe. Almost more than I can bear.

On top of that, I am so weak. My endurance physical is so minimal.

Right now, my loving husband, amazing son and amazing friend, sit outside, working their tails off, holding a garage sale. Where am I? After trying for quite some time to help, my body gave in. I do not even have the strength to hold myself up on the couch. The bed will be my resting place for today. It takes much less effort to lay down.

Guilt racks my soul that they are laboring as I lay down. My heart breaks that I cannot work. That I cannot contribute.

I watch so many lovingly serve me. Take such great care of me. I feel so loved.

Oh how I long to be the caregiver again. My heart longs to serve others. To be the one to provide service and care.

I realize that there is a time and season for everything.

This is my season to be taken care of and I understand that.

I just wish it didn't have to be in quite so painful. Quite so lonely. Quite so much long-suffering required. Quite so many burdens placed on those around me.

Don't get me wrong. I'd chose this lot everyday because pain lets me know I am definitely alive. And that, regardless of the excruciating pain today, is well worth it.

(Thanks for all being my sounding board. I needed to express my frustration without Thomas or Hayden catching the sheer depth of the pain and discomfort. Although I know they see the pain as I wince with movement, I try not to vocalize the depth of the constant and never-ending misery. Thank you!)

Crazy day

I can honestly say that Tuesday was one of the absolutely most exhausting and crazy days of my life. All the kids were out on Spring break. Jodi had doctor appointments for Brigham and the dentist appointments for both Brig and Talmage. Suzi had a meeting and couldn't take Cooper and Ollie. Therefore, party at my house. Technically, Brooklyn, Hayden and Cooper were supposed to babysit. I was going to do my usual supervising but staying put on the couch. Oh was I terribly mistaken.

Brooklyn did a great job and really tried with mr O. But, Ollie man was way overwhelmed with all the noise, completely overstimulated and a quite exhausted from all the stimulation the previous day and complete lack of routine. Add two tired boys in the mix, a little spaz man Talmage and it was quite the day. Hayden was exhausted and put himself in time out in my room to escape the noise and chaos about two hours into the day. He too was completely out of control and done with the chaos and noise.

I curled up in the chair out front and tried to stay put. That was my intention. However, kids don't always cooperate with the plan.

Poor Suzi, when she got here, I just wanted everyone to leave. Jodi laughed that she can tell when I am done. I tell whomever that I don't need anything but to just hurry home.

Such relief swept over me when that door closed. I looked and Hayden and called mandatory nap time. Of course, that elicited tears. Many tears. Hayden sobbed at me and I back at him. We both cried ourselves to sleep.

I cannot believe that a mere three hours could take me down that bad. Not to mention, Jodi helped me for an hour and a half. So in 1.5 hours, I about killed myself.

I cried and cried that night. I thought I was literally going to die. I guess this body of mine is still so weak that anything and everything takes me right down.

It has been three days since that day, yet I still hurt so bad and am so sore. I cannot believe how quickly my body shuts down. How badly I hurt. How miserable I still am.

I want to record these feelings so I know where I am at physically today. To know how weak my body is so that I can joy in the progress from here on out.

I also want to record the overwhelming and completely exhausting days when tasks that should be easy aren't. That bad days occur. Some moments feel like an eternity. But they pass. The hardest challenges become more bearable.

And although my body is extremely weak, struggling to do even the most basic of tasks, I am still grateful to be here. The pain helps me know that I'm alive, still here and still fighting.

As I look at this picture, I smile. Because even amongst all the chaos, pain and struggles, I absolutely adore these cute kids. And although overwhelming, there were some precious moments that I cherish.

And who wouldn't love Ollie repeating, "I love Jer." And expressing over and over that I was bright like an angel. Good times even amongst the struggles.

Crabby Pants

Hayden is rarely in a bad mood. He is generally a happy boy. Every once in a while, he has an out of sorts kind of morning. Friday morning he was just grouchy. He had gone to bed so late and woken up before the crack of dawn coughing.

Everything that Thomas and I said to him caused tears or a melt down. We knew if we didn't help him break out of this mood, it would be a rough day for all of us.

I love how Thomas handles Hayden's crankiness. He tries not to yell or scold him as this just intensifies the situation. Instead, Thomas holds him down and "kisses the grumpies away". All the while Hayden is a hollering and yelling for his dad to stop. Hayden starts laughing after a while and when Thomas and I laugh, he may get grouchy for a minute but after about 3 minutes, Hayden is laughing and giggling right along with us.

I love that "kissing the grumpies away" still works and has us all laughing.

It worked! Hayden had a great day at school and came home in a wonderful mood!

Plus, I love these pictures. I love that our unconventional parenting methods sometimes work better than disciplining. And I love the sound of laughter within the walls of our home!