Health Update

My heart has been forever touched by the kindness of so many, the prayers offered, heartfelt expressions of love and support and all the service rendered for me and my family.

Sitting in my position in life, I have witnessed the true goodness of the multitudes. Those that quietly serve, give, take care of others and love with all their hearts. I have been surrounded and buoyed up by the love and service of so many, for which I will be forever grateful.

The last month has been a change. I am slowly building strength, finding answers and learning how to heal my body. With each doctor visit, as I relay the events that have miraculously unfolded in the past weeks, the doctors are speechless and are in awe as to how I am surviving. I take each opportunity to bear my witness that my life has been spared by my Savior. With no other possible explanation, they shake their heads in agreement and wonder.

Even with the miracles, the daily progress is slow. It is a hard walk back to health. A journey that takes each waking moment to try and figure out what I should be doing to heal, slowly building strength and trying to learn the physical limitations of my body. The physical limits are still significant. I breathe easier. I do not struggle to walk within my house as much. For the most part, I can now get dressed on my own and my personal care is getting less taxing. Any exertion beyond just the daily functions of getting up, dressed, eating and conquering the day, takes a real toll on my body.

I am trying to figure out how to push my body to gain strength without setting myself back significantly. The first weeks were extremely frustrating as I felt healing should come quickly. When my body didn't seem to make any progress and my efforts showed minimal improvement, if any.

I spent a lot of time in prayer trying to understand what I was to do now that my life was spared yet healing seemed to elude my body.

My prayers changed. I no longer pray for the strength and the life I once had. I pray to see and understand the road that lies before me. Although I would love to be able to have the strength and energy to do what most consider the bare minimum in life, I am finding joy in any and all improvements, and realize that whatever healing comes is in the Lord's hands. I will continue to seek his guidance while doing all I can to gain strength and healing, but ultimately, I trust my Savior and will gladly accept whatever path he has placed before me.

In this journey, I have learned so incredibly much and have met some amazing people. I feel this is the path I am to walk right now to gain the much needed healing and strength my body needs.

So although the improvements are slight, I welcome each little glimpse of hope, each extra step I can take, each breath that comes with ease, the days that I can get out of the house, if even for a drive, the afternoons that I am able to sit and help Hayden with homework and the times I can actually stay awake while watching a movie. Most of all, I celebrate each day that I have with my family and those I love.

I realize that with time my gratitude with the waking of each new day will fade. I may possibly forget that there was a time when I just longed to be able to be get dressed without assistance and ached to be able to do the everyday motherly tasks of cooking, homework, laundry and driving. That this may all be a distant memory of a hard won battle that taught me that I am cap,e of doing really hard things.

But for now, oh do I cherish the small stuff. I cherish the things I once took for granted. I get all excited that I can just bend to pick something up off the floor without fainting. That I can take baths again. That I can have a conversation without dozing off. That I can actually get out of bed without help. That I can help Hayden get his backpack ready for school. That I can remember my conversations with Hayden. I love that Thomas and I can dream again.

Most of all, I love that I do not have to worry about whether or not Hayden totally grasps the Plan of Salvation. Of course, I want him to understand all the important truths contained in the scriptures. But, the urgency of feeling like he has to understand it all and now, has faded. I know I will be around to continue to teach him, answer his questions and help him learn day by day, line upon line and precept on precept. I no longer have to be consumed with his understanding it all right now. There is no greater relief. It is one of the sweetest blessings ever.

Although healing is slow, I am improving. Life is becoming more enjoyable. I am learning that joy in this life really is contained in the small stuff.

Life of Pi

Suzi had wanted me to watch this movie with her for so long. Since it came out, I have been down, in bed. We were very excited to get to see it on Saturday. Suzi brought dinner over and we rented the movie. We all curled up on the couches and watched this amazing movie.

I loved the lessons it taught. I loved the images it brought to mind. I loved how the movie showed a belief in God. That God loves us and listens to us and answers our prayers.

I saw myself so many times in that movie.

I love the scene of Pi having been on the island, having found reprieve, but knowing that wasn't where he was meant to stay or what he was meant to become. With what must have taken unbelievable faith and self control, Pi willingly set out in the boat again to face the fierce winds and turbulence of the ocean. He knew the trials awaiting him back out on that ocean, but he willingly went because he knew that is what he needed to do.

I thought of my life. Where I am. The path of hailing winds and the unrelentless amount of turbulence that I must face. I had tears in my eyes as Pi pushed his boat back out off the shore. I know that feeling. I always say that facing something once is doable. The outcome and difficulty of the situation, unknown. As it comes p, it is dealt with and conquered. When repeating or reliving the same trial, the pain, horror, fear, it all is known. The hardest thing survived must be repeated. Steps must be taken knowing the grimness of the situation to be conquered.

I myself feel as if I just climbed back on my own boat. That I just pushed back of the safe shore of peace and comfort and am heading back into the rocky waves and turbulence of the storm.

What I do know, like Pi learned, is that The Lord would strengthen him, give him experiences to keep him strong. That God stands by his children in their trials. Things may seem desolate and at the brink of despair, but God has promised that all these experiences will be for us good. That he will not leave us comfortless.

As I have started back on the open waters, The Lord is securely on the boat next to me. He is guiding me through these open waters. And like Pi, and his trial of the tiger kept him alive. I am acutely aware that the pain, although sometimes excruciating, is the thing that keeps my alive and fighting. The pain awakes me when my breathing becomes shallow. Where if the pain was taken, I may circum to endless slumber and quietly go in my sleep. Because of the pain, I awake and continue my fight to breathe through the pain.

Now, I in no way am I comparing the trials I face with those deep trials that Pi faced. Yet, as I face my trials, like Pi, God will guide me, comfort me and help me. I have walked this trial long enough to know that it is in the hardest moments of life that we walk the closest with our Savior and those moments have been the tenderest of my life.

Venting

I really try not to complain here (or anywhere) for that matter. I chose this. I made a conscious decision to stay here and be with my loved ones. Therefore, I feel like my ability to complain has been taken from me. How do I express frustration when I have my life? I am here with my loved ones, for which I am extremely grateful.

However, there are days this weak body of mine really frustrates me. Today is one of those days. The pain is almost more than I can bear. I am definitely at the complete top of my threshold for pain tolerance. Each breath I take in, sends streaks of stabbing pain throughout my body. Its as if each breath sends shocking pain, as the oxygen circulates throughout my body. The only thing more painful than breathing is moving. To move. To breathe. Almost more than I can bear.

On top of that, I am so weak. My endurance physical is so minimal.

Right now, my loving husband, amazing son and amazing friend, sit outside, working their tails off, holding a garage sale. Where am I? After trying for quite some time to help, my body gave in. I do not even have the strength to hold myself up on the couch. The bed will be my resting place for today. It takes much less effort to lay down.

Guilt racks my soul that they are laboring as I lay down. My heart breaks that I cannot work. That I cannot contribute.

I watch so many lovingly serve me. Take such great care of me. I feel so loved.

Oh how I long to be the caregiver again. My heart longs to serve others. To be the one to provide service and care.

I realize that there is a time and season for everything.

This is my season to be taken care of and I understand that.

I just wish it didn't have to be in quite so painful. Quite so lonely. Quite so much long-suffering required. Quite so many burdens placed on those around me.

Don't get me wrong. I'd chose this lot everyday because pain lets me know I am definitely alive. And that, regardless of the excruciating pain today, is well worth it.

(Thanks for all being my sounding board. I needed to express my frustration without Thomas or Hayden catching the sheer depth of the pain and discomfort. Although I know they see the pain as I wince with movement, I try not to vocalize the depth of the constant and never-ending misery. Thank you!)

The hard reality (1 of 3)

As the past week went on, my hopes and expectations of the cure, deteriorated quickly. The sicker I got, the more hopeless I felt. That compiled with the fact that the doctors were assuring me that this disease was incurable and they were not sure my body, in its weakened state, could survive the testing required to figure it out.

My feelings began switching from survival to doctors assuring me that Thomas needed to know all of my passwords. The doctors sent me with a list of things that needed to be taken care of before my procedures on Tuesday including a living will, power of attorney signed over to Thomas, will signed and notarized, any last wishes spelled out. My world was spinning. How do I say goodbye to my eleven year old son? To the love of my life and beloved husband? To my sweet sister that would be left without a mother or me? To say goodbye to all of those too numerous to begin listing.

My heart was broken. My Savior was guiding me home not leading me here.

By the time Saturday night rolled around and our fasting began. We joined in with family, friends, and our ward family in a time of fasting, prayer, and pleading for the Savior to again step in and spare my life. The overwhelming response was unbelievable. The numbers that joined in to bring the healing powers to earth and help me to live, were without number. I was so touched. So in awe. So grateful. I felt the arms of so many trying to sustain me and comfort me.

Sunday morning we awoke but the peace did not come. I felt the prayers and sacrifice of so many but the peace and reassurance of being protected during these tests did not come. I was broken hearted.

In faith, I mustered up all energy I could gather and we went to church. When we arrived, I was struggling so hard to breathe I could barely talk. Thomas gave updates to the ward members as I muffled my love and thanks to my ward family.

I was in awe of the number of people who were praying and fasting for me. The love and compassion shown is not expressive in words.

My heart cannot express the gratitude and love I feel for my beloved family here on this earth. It is far reaching beyond my immediate family and friends to the numerous loved ones that come each week and worship our Savior with me. My feelings intense and my heart is touched and full at my love for each of my loved ones.

Sacrament was special and tugged at my heart. The songs meant to ease my soul. The weight of the world and the inescapable path that must soon be walked weighed heavily on my mind. The deep anguish I felt is indescribable. I couldn't bear to look around and make eye contact for fear of the tears becoming uncontrollable because of my deep love for my brothers and sisters in that room.

I looked over and saw the sadness in Thomas' eyes. I saw Hayden's confusion and uncertainty. I was breaking my family's heart and was incapable of changing the circumstances.

As the talks went on, testimonies were born, my heart rang true with the truths being taught. My love for my Savior so intense that I would walk his will first, even at the expense of those I cherish most.

The closing hymn was "Each life that touches ours for good". I lost it. I looked around. Those I love surrounding me. My heart was overcome with grief and love and appreciation all mixed in. As the closing prayer given and the ward family began moving from the chapel to the rooms, one by one, a line was formed to hug and comfort me. The words expressed will always hold a dear and special place in my heart.

In tears, Thomas drove me home, exhausted. He had Hayden stay with me while he went back to church to his priesthood meetings.

The new bishop, Bishop Smith and outgoing bishop, Bishop Call were meeting and called Thomas over. They spoke. Hands were laid on my precious husband's head and a servant of The Lord proceeded to give Thomas a blessing of hope and comfort and peace.

As these great men cried together, a member of the stake presidency walked in and began speaking. President Smith is also a doctor and asked if he could come over to discuss the upcoming procedures and tests.

Arrangements were made for all three to come to he home that evening.

As Thomas relayed the events to me, I was so grateful for the support system that Thomas would have when I was gone. Hayden's primary teacher called offering his support and love. Dinner was brought in. Phone calls and texts and well wishes and prayers were without number.

My heart was so grateful for all the good people I have been blessed to walk this life with ......