Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The hard reality (1 of 3)

As the past week went on, my hopes and expectations of the cure, deteriorated quickly. The sicker I got, the more hopeless I felt. That compiled with the fact that the doctors were assuring me that this disease was incurable and they were not sure my body, in its weakened state, could survive the testing required to figure it out.

My feelings began switching from survival to doctors assuring me that Thomas needed to know all of my passwords. The doctors sent me with a list of things that needed to be taken care of before my procedures on Tuesday including a living will, power of attorney signed over to Thomas, will signed and notarized, any last wishes spelled out. My world was spinning. How do I say goodbye to my eleven year old son? To the love of my life and beloved husband? To my sweet sister that would be left without a mother or me? To say goodbye to all of those too numerous to begin listing.

My heart was broken. My Savior was guiding me home not leading me here.

By the time Saturday night rolled around and our fasting began. We joined in with family, friends, and our ward family in a time of fasting, prayer, and pleading for the Savior to again step in and spare my life. The overwhelming response was unbelievable. The numbers that joined in to bring the healing powers to earth and help me to live, were without number. I was so touched. So in awe. So grateful. I felt the arms of so many trying to sustain me and comfort me.

Sunday morning we awoke but the peace did not come. I felt the prayers and sacrifice of so many but the peace and reassurance of being protected during these tests did not come. I was broken hearted.

In faith, I mustered up all energy I could gather and we went to church. When we arrived, I was struggling so hard to breathe I could barely talk. Thomas gave updates to the ward members as I muffled my love and thanks to my ward family.

I was in awe of the number of people who were praying and fasting for me. The love and compassion shown is not expressive in words.

My heart cannot express the gratitude and love I feel for my beloved family here on this earth. It is far reaching beyond my immediate family and friends to the numerous loved ones that come each week and worship our Savior with me. My feelings intense and my heart is touched and full at my love for each of my loved ones.

Sacrament was special and tugged at my heart. The songs meant to ease my soul. The weight of the world and the inescapable path that must soon be walked weighed heavily on my mind. The deep anguish I felt is indescribable. I couldn't bear to look around and make eye contact for fear of the tears becoming uncontrollable because of my deep love for my brothers and sisters in that room.

I looked over and saw the sadness in Thomas' eyes. I saw Hayden's confusion and uncertainty. I was breaking my family's heart and was incapable of changing the circumstances.

As the talks went on, testimonies were born, my heart rang true with the truths being taught. My love for my Savior so intense that I would walk his will first, even at the expense of those I cherish most.

The closing hymn was "Each life that touches ours for good". I lost it. I looked around. Those I love surrounding me. My heart was overcome with grief and love and appreciation all mixed in. As the closing prayer given and the ward family began moving from the chapel to the rooms, one by one, a line was formed to hug and comfort me. The words expressed will always hold a dear and special place in my heart.

In tears, Thomas drove me home, exhausted. He had Hayden stay with me while he went back to church to his priesthood meetings.

The new bishop, Bishop Smith and outgoing bishop, Bishop Call were meeting and called Thomas over. They spoke. Hands were laid on my precious husband's head and a servant of The Lord proceeded to give Thomas a blessing of hope and comfort and peace.

As these great men cried together, a member of the stake presidency walked in and began speaking. President Smith is also a doctor and asked if he could come over to discuss the upcoming procedures and tests.

Arrangements were made for all three to come to he home that evening.

As Thomas relayed the events to me, I was so grateful for the support system that Thomas would have when I was gone. Hayden's primary teacher called offering his support and love. Dinner was brought in. Phone calls and texts and well wishes and prayers were without number.

My heart was so grateful for all the good people I have been blessed to walk this life with ......

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