What a beautiful and long awaited day I was blessed with yesterday. Julie made the decision to go thru the temple and make sacred covenants with our Savior. My heart cannot express the joy that has overcome me for the peace and understanding that her choice has brought her. She has spent a lot of time coming to this decision. My heart is so happy for her.
With the way I have been feeling, I was trying to figure out a way possible be there for her on this sacred and special day. My heart desired to support her, be with her and let her know how much I care. However, when the spirit is willing, sometimes the body is weak, and endurance is just not possible.
Jodi picked me up and went with me to meet Thomas at the temple. Thomas and I were going to participate in sealings and meet up with Julie at the end. As the day went on, my prayers and pleading with my Father in Heaven, became more fervent. I really wanted to experience this with her.
As I walked into the temple, I pleaded with the Father for added strength to be able to go thru a session. I said a silent prayer and asked that I be able to have the strength to walk thru the next couple of hours.
Peace came over me and I decided to have the faith to walk thru the session. As I walked in, ward members were all shocked to see me. Honestly, I do not have the strength to sit thru three hours of church, much less handle a session in the temple. But my faith was strong.
As I sat next to Jodi, I about had a panic attack. What was I doing? My strength was gone and I had only rode the elevator up one floor. I took a couple of deep breaths and prayed or pleaded for strength. I prayed for the Savior to take over and make up for my lack of strength.
Half way thru, I was in big trouble. I was white as a ghost and had no strength to move. I struggled just to not pass out. I spent the entire time pleading for help. So many tender mercies occurred while I was in that session. When things became rather dire, I let my head drop and put it in the Lord's hand. I knew I was passing out. I know the symptoms. I have never gone that far into the process without going out.
As I lifted my head, Jodi looked at me and told me that I looked like a different person. My Savior let me walk until just before my strength completely gave out and then He stepped in.
I trusted him and he didn't disappoint me. He did just as I expected and had asked. He knew how important this event was for Julie. He knew how important it was for her for me to be there. He wanted to make the day perfect and special for her. He wanted her to know that he knows her, he is aware of her, he knows the true desires of her heart, he walks with her and he has the power to do the impossible.
Once again, he taught me.
I learned so much in those moments. I was required to walk in faith and into the darkness before I was strengthened. The Lord pushes me farther and I must walk longer in faith than I have before. However, he always comes. The darkness always turns to light and he comes.
I will never forget walking in and seeing Julie. Hugging her in the temple was a beautiful experience. I want so deeply for her to be happy. I want her to experience all the love and joy and peace and happiness that The Lord has to offer.
The Lord has promised us that all he has is ours if we will just come unto him.
I have tasted the sweet peace and joy of following the Savior. It is desirous beyond any other joy that life has to offer. When I saw Julie, her face was glowing. She was filled with peace and the happiness that only comes from the Savior.
I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to spend those precious moments in the temple. The sweet moments spent with my friends and family that I love dearly, was so uplifting. Seeing Julie there touched my heart. Being strengthened by the Savior and having my prayers and deepest desires of my heart answered again, absolutely priceless.
My heart is so full! My Savior knows me and has again answered my prayers. He loves me enough to fulfill the deepest desires of my heart. And although I cannot do much, when the stakes are high and the deepest desires of my heart need to be met, my Savior strengthens me to do what is needed. He takes over when the frailties of my body are too weak to do what is wanted and needed. I am so grateful to him. He loves me, he knows me and I am his.
Thomas, Jerlyn & Hayden Murphy
Showing posts with label Jerlyn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jerlyn. Show all posts
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Hair Done
Before: almost a year since my hair was colored
Although I love the outcome of my hair today, it will be a long, long, long time before I attempt that again. Holding what felt like a thousand pounds worth of head and neck up, was exhausting.
Funny what things I used to do and took for granted. So grateful that life is coming back. Learning how slowly I must take it. I think just because I can breathe I should be able to conquer the world.
(Thanks, Julie - you are the best)
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Mountains to Climb
Many of you have commented and asked how I was able to walk this trial and journey. This was nothing I walked alone. I followed where my Savior led me and was his student throughout this journey. As I was studying tonight, I came across this talk that was a huge strength to me this last year. (Mountains to Climb by Elder Eyring) As I read it again, I was reminded of the lessons that were taught herein. I will paraphrase his talk while inserting my own lessons and experiences.
"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing."
Many of you, as am I, are now passing through physical, mental, and emotional trials that could cause each of us to cry out “When I have tried all my life to be good, why has this happened to me?”
As I myself asked this question in the beginning, I was guided to the scriptures where the Lord answered that question for the Prophet Joseph Smith in his prison cell:
“And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
“The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
“Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.”
There seems to me no better answer to the question of why trials come and what we are to do than the words of the Lord Himself, who passed through trials for us more terrible than we can imagine.
I learned well that the only way to face and rise above these challenges is to believe that there really is a "balm of Gilead" that The Lord has promised. He repeatedly promised us, "I will not forsake thee."
In each moment of my trial, when the pain, heaviness of the weight of the trial, or my endurance grew faint, when I could muster up no more strength on my own, I would kneel down or cry out to my Savior for strength and comfort. It was in those moments that I learned that my Savior, my Redeemer, would hear my cries and he would indeed comfort me. He never did forsake me.
As Elder Eyring stated, "I cannot promise an end to your adversity in this life. I cannot assure you that your trials will seem to you to be only for a moment."
I know well the feelings of hoping for this trial to end, to be taken from me, for my burdens to be eased. I have lived the feelings of uncertainty that I was missing something or that I was not understanding what was required of me. But I bear witness that in those moments of doubt and despair my Redeemer came to me, he sent his spirit to comfort my soul, he surrounded me with his peace and he eased my pains with his love. The trial was not taken from me but I was strengthened so I could carry the trials that were heaped upon my back.
As I read further in his talk, I loved and clung to these promises that were made, "If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up. And He always keeps His word."
I have felt the encompassing love of our Savior as he never left me alone. As promised, the Savior sent angels to bear me up and help me to bear my burdens. He gave me added strength, he helped me to endure what I could not endure alone, and he carried me when I had no strength left inside me.
I know the road ahead is still rocky. I have not yet reached the top of my mountain. But I am assured that as I continue to walk and continue to climb that my Redeemer, my Savior, and my friend will keep his promises. I know his angels will be on my left and on my right to bear me up. He will not leave me comfortless but will send me his peace and his love. I will continue to be healed by the balm of Gilead. I will go where he leads and follow him to the end.
For I know his peace, his love and his promises are sure. I have been blessed to feel his loving arms wrap around me in my own moments of despair. In those moments, his words of comfort, peace and reassurance have kept me going.
As I continue to climb my own mountain of trials, I am comforted by his promise that he will strengthen me to bear the burdens and trials that are placed before me. I hold fast to the promise that all these things shall give me experience and be for my good. I find comfort that my Savior always keeps his word. He promises not to leave us comfortless.
I add my own witness that as Elder Eyring taught, I have found that the hardest times in life, as well as the easiest, can be a blessing.
The road has not been easy but the blessings have come. The experiences I have faced have definitely been for my own good. The Lord has sent angels to bear me up. He has comforted me. He indeed has kept his word.
My forever gratitude to my Savior for carrying me and loving me. He is my strength. He is my light. He is my hope. He is my peace. What comfort this sweet sentence gives. I know that my Redeemer lives!
"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing."
Many of you, as am I, are now passing through physical, mental, and emotional trials that could cause each of us to cry out “When I have tried all my life to be good, why has this happened to me?”
As I myself asked this question in the beginning, I was guided to the scriptures where the Lord answered that question for the Prophet Joseph Smith in his prison cell:
“And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
“The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
“Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.”
There seems to me no better answer to the question of why trials come and what we are to do than the words of the Lord Himself, who passed through trials for us more terrible than we can imagine.
I learned well that the only way to face and rise above these challenges is to believe that there really is a "balm of Gilead" that The Lord has promised. He repeatedly promised us, "I will not forsake thee."
In each moment of my trial, when the pain, heaviness of the weight of the trial, or my endurance grew faint, when I could muster up no more strength on my own, I would kneel down or cry out to my Savior for strength and comfort. It was in those moments that I learned that my Savior, my Redeemer, would hear my cries and he would indeed comfort me. He never did forsake me.
As Elder Eyring stated, "I cannot promise an end to your adversity in this life. I cannot assure you that your trials will seem to you to be only for a moment."
I know well the feelings of hoping for this trial to end, to be taken from me, for my burdens to be eased. I have lived the feelings of uncertainty that I was missing something or that I was not understanding what was required of me. But I bear witness that in those moments of doubt and despair my Redeemer came to me, he sent his spirit to comfort my soul, he surrounded me with his peace and he eased my pains with his love. The trial was not taken from me but I was strengthened so I could carry the trials that were heaped upon my back.
As I read further in his talk, I loved and clung to these promises that were made, "If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up. And He always keeps His word."
I have felt the encompassing love of our Savior as he never left me alone. As promised, the Savior sent angels to bear me up and help me to bear my burdens. He gave me added strength, he helped me to endure what I could not endure alone, and he carried me when I had no strength left inside me.
I know the road ahead is still rocky. I have not yet reached the top of my mountain. But I am assured that as I continue to walk and continue to climb that my Redeemer, my Savior, and my friend will keep his promises. I know his angels will be on my left and on my right to bear me up. He will not leave me comfortless but will send me his peace and his love. I will continue to be healed by the balm of Gilead. I will go where he leads and follow him to the end.
For I know his peace, his love and his promises are sure. I have been blessed to feel his loving arms wrap around me in my own moments of despair. In those moments, his words of comfort, peace and reassurance have kept me going.
As I continue to climb my own mountain of trials, I am comforted by his promise that he will strengthen me to bear the burdens and trials that are placed before me. I hold fast to the promise that all these things shall give me experience and be for my good. I find comfort that my Savior always keeps his word. He promises not to leave us comfortless.
I add my own witness that as Elder Eyring taught, I have found that the hardest times in life, as well as the easiest, can be a blessing.
The road has not been easy but the blessings have come. The experiences I have faced have definitely been for my own good. The Lord has sent angels to bear me up. He has comforted me. He indeed has kept his word.
My forever gratitude to my Savior for carrying me and loving me. He is my strength. He is my light. He is my hope. He is my peace. What comfort this sweet sentence gives. I know that my Redeemer lives!
Monday, March 4, 2013
Test results
Today was a day I will always remember. I was anxious to go to the cardiac electrophysiologist to get test results from all the testing this past week. I was curious as to what the doctor would say and what the plan going forward consisted of.
The doctor started going over test results. Stating which tests looked good and where problems were indicated. I had been hooked to a heart monitor for the past 5 weeks. She said she was ONLY interested in the symptoms and complications I was having during the past week. She was not interested in anything that was happening prior to seven days ago. She said that two days before my tests were run, something happened and my heart changed. Tests were run on Tuesday so the life saving event occurred on Sunday.
My mind swirled. I thought back to the blessing. I thought back to all those that fasted and prayed for me. Then it sunk in what she was saying. I was given a new lease on life, just as my blessing of healing promised.
Since I was hooked up to monitors, there was no way to all it for anything but what it was. A miracle.
The spirit was strong there in the room as we spoke. We discussed my symptoms. We discussed treatment options. We discussed various plans.
She looked at me and said, "Don't get me wrong. If almost anyone in my waiting room came in with your symptoms right now, I'd be calling an ambulance and admitting them to the hospital." However, your body is beginning to heal itself. Your heart has been repaired. Your body seems to have turned a corner and has begun to fight and been made strong enough to try and recover.
I had a plan of different doctors to refer you to, medications to put you on and a treatment plan. Instead, everything in my heart tells me to give your body a chance to heal. My head says move forward with treatments and medications. My heart tells me to slow down and let you heal naturally with just one additional medication.
As she went to write the prescription, she couldn't do it. She paused and looked at me and said, "if I prescribe this medication, it will get the credit for healing you. You and I both know the medicine is not healing you. Although you and I believe in a different higher power, that is where the healing is coming from."
She preceded to devise a new plan. Wait. Just wait. She was going to prescribe two things that I needed to do. The first to slowly start to build strength back. Short five to ten minute stretches of walking. She said to go ever so slow as to let my body try and figure this out. The second was to sleep as much as possible. She explained that healing occurs during sleep. Then to continue medications and other regimens as I was currently doing. Only adding a precautionary medication to slow down the blood clotting while I healed.
She instructed that we would regroup in one month to figure out if my body was making progress or if she needed to intervene either with surgery or medications.
I am still in awe that she, without knowing of the fasting or prayers or healing power of the priesthood, was able to pinpoint when my heart was repaired and when this great miracle occurred. I am grateful. So grateful. I feel so blessed and so indebted to my Savior.
I know that I have a lot of work to do. Up until this point, I just have held on and tried to survive. The thought of having my life back is absolutely amazing. I will start to build up my strength slowly. I will sleep. I will do all I can to help the healing process but I know that all healing and all strength I gain will come by the grace and love and mercy of my Savior.
With guidance from the cardiac doctor yesterday, I believe that outside of my primary care doctor that I will hold off on all specialty appointments for a month. I want to make sure that all healing credit goes where the credit is due to my Savior, Jesus Christ.
Words cannot express the joy of my heart. The gratitude I feel or the reverence I have for the healing power of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Miracles are as real today as anytime in history. My life is a living testament and witness that our Savior lives and loves us.
My gratitude to each of you for your fasting and prayers. As witnessed here, the Lord is merciful and works mighty miracles today. He is aware of each prayer, each offering of fasting and knows each of us. He loves us and desires to bless us. He is in charge. He has a plan for each of us. His healing comes. Whether it is when we first ask or after a long hard fought road or in the next life, he hears and answers our prayers. His timing may not be ours but it is a perfect timing. My heart is full, my gratitude flowing over, my love beyond words for this mighty miracle that has been wrought in my life.
The doctor started going over test results. Stating which tests looked good and where problems were indicated. I had been hooked to a heart monitor for the past 5 weeks. She said she was ONLY interested in the symptoms and complications I was having during the past week. She was not interested in anything that was happening prior to seven days ago. She said that two days before my tests were run, something happened and my heart changed. Tests were run on Tuesday so the life saving event occurred on Sunday.
My mind swirled. I thought back to the blessing. I thought back to all those that fasted and prayed for me. Then it sunk in what she was saying. I was given a new lease on life, just as my blessing of healing promised.
Since I was hooked up to monitors, there was no way to all it for anything but what it was. A miracle.
The spirit was strong there in the room as we spoke. We discussed my symptoms. We discussed treatment options. We discussed various plans.
She looked at me and said, "Don't get me wrong. If almost anyone in my waiting room came in with your symptoms right now, I'd be calling an ambulance and admitting them to the hospital." However, your body is beginning to heal itself. Your heart has been repaired. Your body seems to have turned a corner and has begun to fight and been made strong enough to try and recover.
I had a plan of different doctors to refer you to, medications to put you on and a treatment plan. Instead, everything in my heart tells me to give your body a chance to heal. My head says move forward with treatments and medications. My heart tells me to slow down and let you heal naturally with just one additional medication.
As she went to write the prescription, she couldn't do it. She paused and looked at me and said, "if I prescribe this medication, it will get the credit for healing you. You and I both know the medicine is not healing you. Although you and I believe in a different higher power, that is where the healing is coming from."
She preceded to devise a new plan. Wait. Just wait. She was going to prescribe two things that I needed to do. The first to slowly start to build strength back. Short five to ten minute stretches of walking. She said to go ever so slow as to let my body try and figure this out. The second was to sleep as much as possible. She explained that healing occurs during sleep. Then to continue medications and other regimens as I was currently doing. Only adding a precautionary medication to slow down the blood clotting while I healed.
She instructed that we would regroup in one month to figure out if my body was making progress or if she needed to intervene either with surgery or medications.
I am still in awe that she, without knowing of the fasting or prayers or healing power of the priesthood, was able to pinpoint when my heart was repaired and when this great miracle occurred. I am grateful. So grateful. I feel so blessed and so indebted to my Savior.
I know that I have a lot of work to do. Up until this point, I just have held on and tried to survive. The thought of having my life back is absolutely amazing. I will start to build up my strength slowly. I will sleep. I will do all I can to help the healing process but I know that all healing and all strength I gain will come by the grace and love and mercy of my Savior.
With guidance from the cardiac doctor yesterday, I believe that outside of my primary care doctor that I will hold off on all specialty appointments for a month. I want to make sure that all healing credit goes where the credit is due to my Savior, Jesus Christ.
Words cannot express the joy of my heart. The gratitude I feel or the reverence I have for the healing power of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Miracles are as real today as anytime in history. My life is a living testament and witness that our Savior lives and loves us.
My gratitude to each of you for your fasting and prayers. As witnessed here, the Lord is merciful and works mighty miracles today. He is aware of each prayer, each offering of fasting and knows each of us. He loves us and desires to bless us. He is in charge. He has a plan for each of us. His healing comes. Whether it is when we first ask or after a long hard fought road or in the next life, he hears and answers our prayers. His timing may not be ours but it is a perfect timing. My heart is full, my gratitude flowing over, my love beyond words for this mighty miracle that has been wrought in my life.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Fast & Testimony Meeting
The first Sunday of each month is set aside for us to fast and then attend a special Sacrament meeting where all are invited to stand and share their testimonies of the Savior and the experiences that have led them to their beliefs. To fast is to go without food and drink voluntarily for a certain period of time. Fasting combined with sincere prayer can strengthen us spiritually, bring us closer to God, and help us prepare ourselves and others to receive His blessings.
Last week, our ward members held a special fast for me. It was the combined efforts, fasting and prayers of so many, for my behalf, that opened the windows of heaven and poured blessings down upon me and my family. My gratitude for all those that fasted and prayed for me is inexpressable.
Today was the day set aside that as a ward we gather and in fasting join and share our testimonies. After the experiences of the last week, I knew that I wanted to get up and thank all those that prayed and fasted and express to them my gratitude and in more detail the miracles that have taken place over the past week.
After the Sacrament was passed and the testimony meeting was about to begin, my heart was beating through my chest and my palms were damp with sweat. My heart knew the stories I needed to tell, but I still get nervous standing up in front of so many and sharing me deepest and most sacred feelings.
As I walked up to the pulpit and looked out over the congregation, my heart swelled inside. Because of the love and support, prayers, fasting and pleas of these people to our Father in Heaven, I had the privilege of standing before them. There are no words to express the deepest gratitude and appreciation of my heart.
I shared my love and broke down the past two weeks and the miracles that had taken place in our lives. I began with two Saturdays ago when Thomas and I were in prayer and the Bishop called to see if the ward could hold a special fast for me. In those precious moments, although so unsure about so much, I felt the love of my Savior and his arms wrapped around me. He knew of my fears and wanted to show me the love placed around me.
Immediately after church that next day, I felt the prayers and my body started overcoming the meningitis. I felt the strength of so many praying for me. I then expressed the details of last Sundays events, what the doctors were saying, and the events that took place throughout the week.
I expressed my great gratitude for being alive to stand in front of them today. I relayed that the blessing assured me that through the combined fasting and prayers of the Desert Mountain ward that the Lord was granting their pleas and sparing my life. Because of these wonderful people that I was surrounded by, I was still here.
I went on to testify of our Savior. I testified of his goodness. I testified of my knowledge that he lives. He loves us. He knows each of us individually. He knows our deepest fears, deepest agonies, greatest desires of our hearts and the very beings that we are. I expressed that no matter how difficult this trial became, the fact was, my Savior stood at my side. He lifted me. He carried me. He shed tears for me. He sent his earthly angels to surround me and buoy me up when I was faint.
I testified that our Savior does indeed still work miracles today, just as when he walked this earth. He continues to bless us. He continues to heal us both spiritually and physically. And, in my case, he has literally spared my life time and time again.
I bore testimony of the great plan of salvation that was prepared for us from the beginning. That even if I would have died, that I would see Thomas and Hayden again and be with them in the next life. I praised our Savior for his love for each of us and our ability to remain as families forever.
I ended with the words to I know that my Redeemer lives, assuring them that I believe, with all my heart that my Redeemer lives. He comforts me when I am faint, he listens to my heartaches, he lifts me, he walks with me and he loves me. I have felt his warm embrace. I have been encircled by his love. I have felt his healing powers. I am a living witness of his miracles and his love.
My love for my Savior is without limits. He knows me. He loves me. He cares for me, just as he does for each of us. Nothing we do can keep him from loving us. His love is perfect and complete.
The Spirit was so strong. I again felt the loving arms of my Savior wrap around me and let me know I am his.
After this incredible experience, my sweet husband stood and humbly, quietly, and with the Spirit bore a beatuiful testimony of turning things over to the Savior. That sometimes it takes all we have to say, "Thy will be done". But, when we do, He wraps us in his love and we are taken care of.
Thomas testified, as I did, of the miracles of Jesus. The miracles that have been so generously and incredibly placed in our lives. He expressed gratitude that the Lord spared my life. He expressed his deep love for our Savior.
I love my sweet husband that relies on our Savior. That he hears His voice and is willing to submit his will to that of our Savior's. He is a great man. I am so blessed that he is mine.
When Sacrament meeting was over, the love and hugs that were expressed and given were beyond words. I felt so loved. I felt so safe and secure. I felt the loving arms of our Savior wrap around me by all those giving me hugs today. It was an experience I will never forget. The love that I felt, indescribable. As the meetings went on, the hugs, expressions of love and well wishes were endless.
As I sat in Relief Society, surrounded by these amazing daughters of God, my mind escaped to my Savior. As I was being wrapped in the arms of love here, I thought to myself and wondered what if I hadn't made it. A calm encircled me and I felt reassurance. The love that was shown today would have been the same but in a different sphere. Had I gone home to my Father in Heaven, I would have been encircled there in the arms of so many who have gone before and love me. As it was a glorious day at church here, it would have been a glorious reunion in heaven, I am sure.
The gospel is true whether we are walking our lives out on earth or if we go on to the next phase of our progression in the heavens. The relationships and love we share and give is endless and never forgotten.
Our Savior lives. He loves us. I have felt the warm embrace of our Savior as he has walked me through my trials. He has helped me to find the good, see the joy and feel the incredible peace that comes from knowing this is his plan, he is in charge and if I put my trust in my Savior, all the details will work out.
I am grateful for the miracle of my life. I am grateful for my Savior's love. I am grateful for the prayers from each of you, my loved ones and friends. May the Savior watch over and bless your lives, just as he has mine.
Last week, our ward members held a special fast for me. It was the combined efforts, fasting and prayers of so many, for my behalf, that opened the windows of heaven and poured blessings down upon me and my family. My gratitude for all those that fasted and prayed for me is inexpressable.
Today was the day set aside that as a ward we gather and in fasting join and share our testimonies. After the experiences of the last week, I knew that I wanted to get up and thank all those that prayed and fasted and express to them my gratitude and in more detail the miracles that have taken place over the past week.
After the Sacrament was passed and the testimony meeting was about to begin, my heart was beating through my chest and my palms were damp with sweat. My heart knew the stories I needed to tell, but I still get nervous standing up in front of so many and sharing me deepest and most sacred feelings.
As I walked up to the pulpit and looked out over the congregation, my heart swelled inside. Because of the love and support, prayers, fasting and pleas of these people to our Father in Heaven, I had the privilege of standing before them. There are no words to express the deepest gratitude and appreciation of my heart.
I shared my love and broke down the past two weeks and the miracles that had taken place in our lives. I began with two Saturdays ago when Thomas and I were in prayer and the Bishop called to see if the ward could hold a special fast for me. In those precious moments, although so unsure about so much, I felt the love of my Savior and his arms wrapped around me. He knew of my fears and wanted to show me the love placed around me.
Immediately after church that next day, I felt the prayers and my body started overcoming the meningitis. I felt the strength of so many praying for me. I then expressed the details of last Sundays events, what the doctors were saying, and the events that took place throughout the week.
I expressed my great gratitude for being alive to stand in front of them today. I relayed that the blessing assured me that through the combined fasting and prayers of the Desert Mountain ward that the Lord was granting their pleas and sparing my life. Because of these wonderful people that I was surrounded by, I was still here.
I went on to testify of our Savior. I testified of his goodness. I testified of my knowledge that he lives. He loves us. He knows each of us individually. He knows our deepest fears, deepest agonies, greatest desires of our hearts and the very beings that we are. I expressed that no matter how difficult this trial became, the fact was, my Savior stood at my side. He lifted me. He carried me. He shed tears for me. He sent his earthly angels to surround me and buoy me up when I was faint.
I testified that our Savior does indeed still work miracles today, just as when he walked this earth. He continues to bless us. He continues to heal us both spiritually and physically. And, in my case, he has literally spared my life time and time again.
I bore testimony of the great plan of salvation that was prepared for us from the beginning. That even if I would have died, that I would see Thomas and Hayden again and be with them in the next life. I praised our Savior for his love for each of us and our ability to remain as families forever.
I ended with the words to I know that my Redeemer lives, assuring them that I believe, with all my heart that my Redeemer lives. He comforts me when I am faint, he listens to my heartaches, he lifts me, he walks with me and he loves me. I have felt his warm embrace. I have been encircled by his love. I have felt his healing powers. I am a living witness of his miracles and his love.
My love for my Savior is without limits. He knows me. He loves me. He cares for me, just as he does for each of us. Nothing we do can keep him from loving us. His love is perfect and complete.
The Spirit was so strong. I again felt the loving arms of my Savior wrap around me and let me know I am his.
After this incredible experience, my sweet husband stood and humbly, quietly, and with the Spirit bore a beatuiful testimony of turning things over to the Savior. That sometimes it takes all we have to say, "Thy will be done". But, when we do, He wraps us in his love and we are taken care of.
Thomas testified, as I did, of the miracles of Jesus. The miracles that have been so generously and incredibly placed in our lives. He expressed gratitude that the Lord spared my life. He expressed his deep love for our Savior.
I love my sweet husband that relies on our Savior. That he hears His voice and is willing to submit his will to that of our Savior's. He is a great man. I am so blessed that he is mine.
When Sacrament meeting was over, the love and hugs that were expressed and given were beyond words. I felt so loved. I felt so safe and secure. I felt the loving arms of our Savior wrap around me by all those giving me hugs today. It was an experience I will never forget. The love that I felt, indescribable. As the meetings went on, the hugs, expressions of love and well wishes were endless.
As I sat in Relief Society, surrounded by these amazing daughters of God, my mind escaped to my Savior. As I was being wrapped in the arms of love here, I thought to myself and wondered what if I hadn't made it. A calm encircled me and I felt reassurance. The love that was shown today would have been the same but in a different sphere. Had I gone home to my Father in Heaven, I would have been encircled there in the arms of so many who have gone before and love me. As it was a glorious day at church here, it would have been a glorious reunion in heaven, I am sure.
The gospel is true whether we are walking our lives out on earth or if we go on to the next phase of our progression in the heavens. The relationships and love we share and give is endless and never forgotten.
Our Savior lives. He loves us. I have felt the warm embrace of our Savior as he has walked me through my trials. He has helped me to find the good, see the joy and feel the incredible peace that comes from knowing this is his plan, he is in charge and if I put my trust in my Savior, all the details will work out.
I am grateful for the miracle of my life. I am grateful for my Savior's love. I am grateful for the prayers from each of you, my loved ones and friends. May the Savior watch over and bless your lives, just as he has mine.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Hospital testing (3 of 3)
Tuesday morning, I awoke to Thomas dragging me out of bed, telling me I must get up to go to the hospital. I cannot remember another night prior to big tests and procedures that I slept so deep and sound. I awoke only wanting sleep, not concerned with the testing. I was completely and 100% at peace.
I slowly got ready and could not help but be overwhelmed with the peace that consumed my entire body and presence. I knew that no matter the outcome today, that the doctors would be guided by our Savior and ultimately he was in charge. I was not worried about the risks or side effects or even the possibility of death that had been placed ever so presently at the center of this testing.
As we arrived at the hospital, the peace continued.
I was taken and given an echo cardiogram where not only did the tech do a fabulous job but also gave me the name of a doctor for Hayden to see. We spoke of the different types of stress tests, as I was still unsure at how Thomas and I were to proceed but knew the answers would come as I needed to make decisions.
Dr. Shah came out and talked to Thomas and I about the testing, what tests were going to be run and what her feelings were on the different tests. She assured us she would be right with us and take all necessary precautions to do her best at keeping me safe.
The stress test was next. Different testing methods were on the table depending on my level of response to medications and breathing. EKG's were run. IV's started. Still unsure as to what testing I should do, I was relying heavily and completely on when I had to chose that the Lord would guide me, as I was promised. I recalled President Smith's words, when talking of my condition and testing. He said that I would be guided by the Savior but I may have to walk in faith right until the decision had to be made. Thomas was asked to leave and I was left alone with me and a team of seven doctors and nurses to go through this testing alone.
After the EKG was looked at by the doctors, another EKG was ran and then another. I then overheard the doctor call her office and ask her staff to make sure they had faxed the correct EKG for me. When that was re-faxed, the latest EKG ran at the hospital was pulled up. Another EKG was ran on me. I overheard my doctor tell another one present, I don't know what has happened and with anyone else besides her, I wouldn't believe it but she has escaped death many times and accredited all to her God. So, I guess her God has stepped in again and healed her. My abnormal EKG's had improved, which is medically impossible.
At that precise moment, I knew I could do the stress test and I would be given the strength necessary to walk the treadmill. Once attached, there was so big burly guy that held onto me to help me stand. The test was fast, as my heart rate jumps so quickly these days and it hit 153 in 2 minutes. The nuclear medicine was given and I was able to finish the stress test. A miracle in and of itself.
When done, the doctor scheduled more tests which required nuclear medicine and pictures of the heart in increments of an hour then wait then again. At one point during the test, I had one minute to go and then it felt like forever. The doctor ordered more pictures while inside. My heart swell and I knew she was being guided to answers.
Dr. Shah walked in and said she thought she might have figured out the problem and better yet had an idea of how to fix it. Her staff was in awe! Telling me later that they have never heard her make such a promise.
Now bottom line of my understanding: I have taken approximately 10 major blood clots to the brain resulting in 10 strokes in the past year and a half (rough guess possibly many more). I have taken blood clots to the heart damaging the heart. I have taken them to the lungs. Blood clots have messed up my kidneys, liver, etc. etc. I was told that the next six months plus were going to be intense and filled with all kinds of treatment. I would have long term damage from so many strokes. But, she thought that with intense therapies, she could help me live again.
I know the road ahead is going to be a climb and I will have to fight to get there.
But, I am so grateful that I get this chance to fight. To get to live again.
On the way home, I looked over at Thomas. He was smiling. I asked what he was thinking and feeling. He summed up our lives best as he said, "I feel like a thousand pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. And, I feel like I can dream again."
As we talked, we both realized that we have lived the last year in survival mode. Living from minute to minute or hour to hour and rarely day to day. We have tried to sustain life. Now, we get to go fight with all we have and conquer this illness. Then, we will be able to dream again. Do all the things on our bucket list. Grow old together and raise our son. Serve a mission together and testify of the greatness of our Savior. Our dreams are big. The ability to dream is priceless.
I go to the doctor next week to get a game plan. Whatever the plan, whatever is required, we are willing to do it. We know the Savior will walk with us, hand in hand, carrying me if he needs to and will help us on our journey. Once again, my heart is singing the song, I know that my Redeemer lives. As the words proclaim, Oh the joy this sentence gives. I know that my Redeemer lives! He lives! I too, testify of the divinity and reality of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As you invite him into your home and lives he will bless you and guide you and take the impossibilities and make them very real. I love my Savior and I know he loves me. The peace this brings is without measure.
I slowly got ready and could not help but be overwhelmed with the peace that consumed my entire body and presence. I knew that no matter the outcome today, that the doctors would be guided by our Savior and ultimately he was in charge. I was not worried about the risks or side effects or even the possibility of death that had been placed ever so presently at the center of this testing.
As we arrived at the hospital, the peace continued.
I was taken and given an echo cardiogram where not only did the tech do a fabulous job but also gave me the name of a doctor for Hayden to see. We spoke of the different types of stress tests, as I was still unsure at how Thomas and I were to proceed but knew the answers would come as I needed to make decisions.
Dr. Shah came out and talked to Thomas and I about the testing, what tests were going to be run and what her feelings were on the different tests. She assured us she would be right with us and take all necessary precautions to do her best at keeping me safe.
The stress test was next. Different testing methods were on the table depending on my level of response to medications and breathing. EKG's were run. IV's started. Still unsure as to what testing I should do, I was relying heavily and completely on when I had to chose that the Lord would guide me, as I was promised. I recalled President Smith's words, when talking of my condition and testing. He said that I would be guided by the Savior but I may have to walk in faith right until the decision had to be made. Thomas was asked to leave and I was left alone with me and a team of seven doctors and nurses to go through this testing alone.
After the EKG was looked at by the doctors, another EKG was ran and then another. I then overheard the doctor call her office and ask her staff to make sure they had faxed the correct EKG for me. When that was re-faxed, the latest EKG ran at the hospital was pulled up. Another EKG was ran on me. I overheard my doctor tell another one present, I don't know what has happened and with anyone else besides her, I wouldn't believe it but she has escaped death many times and accredited all to her God. So, I guess her God has stepped in again and healed her. My abnormal EKG's had improved, which is medically impossible.
At that precise moment, I knew I could do the stress test and I would be given the strength necessary to walk the treadmill. Once attached, there was so big burly guy that held onto me to help me stand. The test was fast, as my heart rate jumps so quickly these days and it hit 153 in 2 minutes. The nuclear medicine was given and I was able to finish the stress test. A miracle in and of itself.
When done, the doctor scheduled more tests which required nuclear medicine and pictures of the heart in increments of an hour then wait then again. At one point during the test, I had one minute to go and then it felt like forever. The doctor ordered more pictures while inside. My heart swell and I knew she was being guided to answers.
Dr. Shah walked in and said she thought she might have figured out the problem and better yet had an idea of how to fix it. Her staff was in awe! Telling me later that they have never heard her make such a promise.
Now bottom line of my understanding: I have taken approximately 10 major blood clots to the brain resulting in 10 strokes in the past year and a half (rough guess possibly many more). I have taken blood clots to the heart damaging the heart. I have taken them to the lungs. Blood clots have messed up my kidneys, liver, etc. etc. I was told that the next six months plus were going to be intense and filled with all kinds of treatment. I would have long term damage from so many strokes. But, she thought that with intense therapies, she could help me live again.
I know the road ahead is going to be a climb and I will have to fight to get there.
But, I am so grateful that I get this chance to fight. To get to live again.
On the way home, I looked over at Thomas. He was smiling. I asked what he was thinking and feeling. He summed up our lives best as he said, "I feel like a thousand pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. And, I feel like I can dream again."
As we talked, we both realized that we have lived the last year in survival mode. Living from minute to minute or hour to hour and rarely day to day. We have tried to sustain life. Now, we get to go fight with all we have and conquer this illness. Then, we will be able to dream again. Do all the things on our bucket list. Grow old together and raise our son. Serve a mission together and testify of the greatness of our Savior. Our dreams are big. The ability to dream is priceless.
I go to the doctor next week to get a game plan. Whatever the plan, whatever is required, we are willing to do it. We know the Savior will walk with us, hand in hand, carrying me if he needs to and will help us on our journey. Once again, my heart is singing the song, I know that my Redeemer lives. As the words proclaim, Oh the joy this sentence gives. I know that my Redeemer lives! He lives! I too, testify of the divinity and reality of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As you invite him into your home and lives he will bless you and guide you and take the impossibilities and make them very real. I love my Savior and I know he loves me. The peace this brings is without measure.
Miracles Granted (2 of 3)
Sunday night came and Bishop Smith, President Smith, Bishop Call and his wife Ann and daughter Toni, all came over to talk with me and Thomas about the fast and receive counsel from our church leaders. These leaders have been called and have stewardship over our family as they are called by the Savior to lead and guide and counsel the ward members under their charge.
These are good men that have been called of God. They walk uprightly before him. They serve and love and give with expecting nothing in return. Our Savior has asked for their service and they have willingly given.
As we sat and talked, I expressed to them how my week had been progressing both on what the doctors were communicating and what I was feeling when I prayed.
I have been struggling with what to write here. How many details to share. What to express. My feelings are that so many of you have prayed with us, fasted in my behalf, kept up on this blog because you deeply care. I want you to know the story, but do not want to just put very sacred and spiritual experiences out for any reason besides to add my witness that our Savior does care for us. He preforms miracles today just as he did when he walked this earth. He walks with us, as he walked with his disciples. He knows us. He loves us. He guides us and shows us the way, if we are willing to listen to his voice. Because I feel the need to add my testimony and add my witness to that of so many others, I will share what I feel is appropriate on such a public forum. I am happy to talk with anyone one on one if you would like more clarification or understanding as to how our Father in Heaven communicates with us and lets us know his will.
With that disclaimer, I will share according to the Spirit of our Savior the events that so miraculously took place in our home on Sunday evening.
We all spoke of the events leading up to that moment. Most importantly I expressed my feelings regarding my post, I Know that My Redeemer Lives. I expressed how that led me to feelings that what my will was, to live, was not with the Savior's, which was to go back home.
We read scriptures and talked of faith. How faith and fear cannot be present at the same time. We talked of Abraham and Isaac and I was praying that my feelings were only like unto Abraham. I had to be willing to walk the road of the Savior, willing to give me all, even my life for him. But was hopeful that like with Isaac, if I laid my life on the alter, that would be sufficient enough for the Lord's needs and show where I stand, and that I would not have to go through with my sacrifice, just as Abraham was allowed to spare the life of his beloved son, Isaac. We read Hebrews chapter 11 together and discussed faith.
We talked of my testimony and I bore witness that I know my Savior lives. I know miracles are as prevalent today as in the days that the Savior walked this earth. He is in charge. If we give our hearts and souls and lives to him, he will mold us into the person he knows that we can become. When we give our lives to him, we gain it all. I know that Savior has walked this road with me. His arm has protected me, guided me and kept me alive. He has eased my breathing, he has stopped seizures, he has removed blood clots, he has comforted my soul, he has spared my life. I testify of his goodness and know that he can do all things that are expedient to his will.
After much discussion, my dear Bishop Smith laid his hands on my head and anointed me with consecrated oil for the healing of the sick. Then, with the Bishop and Stake President at his side, my dear husband proceeded to give me a blessing of healing. We wept together. We cried. We rejoiced. We praised our God.
I was promised that this incurable disease would be made known unto the doctor. The doctor would be led and guided to finding a cure. I would be made whole. Through my faith and all those faith that fasted with me, that collectively the Lord had heard our cries and was granting our desires.
Words are not expressible as to the feelings of my heart. Gratitude, appreciation, awe in my Savior, thanksgiving, humility and so many others.
Because of all those that fasted and prayed and sent up requests of healing to our Savior, the Savior is graciously, and miraculously going to heal my body.
Going forward, I dedicate my life unto the Savior. I will do his will. I will say what he wants to be say. I will stand as a witness of his power, his miraculous healing and his infinite love for each of his sons and daughters here on this earth.
My life is a living testament to Him. I stand today because the Lord is good. Thinking back to Alma and where I read that God grants us the desires of our hearts. Once again He has delivered on his promise and he has granted me healing so I can fulfill my desire to live.
Blessed be His name. He is our Savior. He lives. He loves us. He is so good.
These are good men that have been called of God. They walk uprightly before him. They serve and love and give with expecting nothing in return. Our Savior has asked for their service and they have willingly given.
As we sat and talked, I expressed to them how my week had been progressing both on what the doctors were communicating and what I was feeling when I prayed.
I have been struggling with what to write here. How many details to share. What to express. My feelings are that so many of you have prayed with us, fasted in my behalf, kept up on this blog because you deeply care. I want you to know the story, but do not want to just put very sacred and spiritual experiences out for any reason besides to add my witness that our Savior does care for us. He preforms miracles today just as he did when he walked this earth. He walks with us, as he walked with his disciples. He knows us. He loves us. He guides us and shows us the way, if we are willing to listen to his voice. Because I feel the need to add my testimony and add my witness to that of so many others, I will share what I feel is appropriate on such a public forum. I am happy to talk with anyone one on one if you would like more clarification or understanding as to how our Father in Heaven communicates with us and lets us know his will.
With that disclaimer, I will share according to the Spirit of our Savior the events that so miraculously took place in our home on Sunday evening.
We all spoke of the events leading up to that moment. Most importantly I expressed my feelings regarding my post, I Know that My Redeemer Lives. I expressed how that led me to feelings that what my will was, to live, was not with the Savior's, which was to go back home.
We read scriptures and talked of faith. How faith and fear cannot be present at the same time. We talked of Abraham and Isaac and I was praying that my feelings were only like unto Abraham. I had to be willing to walk the road of the Savior, willing to give me all, even my life for him. But was hopeful that like with Isaac, if I laid my life on the alter, that would be sufficient enough for the Lord's needs and show where I stand, and that I would not have to go through with my sacrifice, just as Abraham was allowed to spare the life of his beloved son, Isaac. We read Hebrews chapter 11 together and discussed faith.
We talked of my testimony and I bore witness that I know my Savior lives. I know miracles are as prevalent today as in the days that the Savior walked this earth. He is in charge. If we give our hearts and souls and lives to him, he will mold us into the person he knows that we can become. When we give our lives to him, we gain it all. I know that Savior has walked this road with me. His arm has protected me, guided me and kept me alive. He has eased my breathing, he has stopped seizures, he has removed blood clots, he has comforted my soul, he has spared my life. I testify of his goodness and know that he can do all things that are expedient to his will.
After much discussion, my dear Bishop Smith laid his hands on my head and anointed me with consecrated oil for the healing of the sick. Then, with the Bishop and Stake President at his side, my dear husband proceeded to give me a blessing of healing. We wept together. We cried. We rejoiced. We praised our God.
I was promised that this incurable disease would be made known unto the doctor. The doctor would be led and guided to finding a cure. I would be made whole. Through my faith and all those faith that fasted with me, that collectively the Lord had heard our cries and was granting our desires.
Words are not expressible as to the feelings of my heart. Gratitude, appreciation, awe in my Savior, thanksgiving, humility and so many others.
Because of all those that fasted and prayed and sent up requests of healing to our Savior, the Savior is graciously, and miraculously going to heal my body.
Going forward, I dedicate my life unto the Savior. I will do his will. I will say what he wants to be say. I will stand as a witness of his power, his miraculous healing and his infinite love for each of his sons and daughters here on this earth.
My life is a living testament to Him. I stand today because the Lord is good. Thinking back to Alma and where I read that God grants us the desires of our hearts. Once again He has delivered on his promise and he has granted me healing so I can fulfill my desire to live.
Blessed be His name. He is our Savior. He lives. He loves us. He is so good.
The hard reality (1 of 3)
As the past week went on, my hopes and expectations of the cure, deteriorated quickly. The sicker I got, the more hopeless I felt. That compiled with the fact that the doctors were assuring me that this disease was incurable and they were not sure my body, in its weakened state, could survive the testing required to figure it out.
My feelings began switching from survival to doctors assuring me that Thomas needed to know all of my passwords. The doctors sent me with a list of things that needed to be taken care of before my procedures on Tuesday including a living will, power of attorney signed over to Thomas, will signed and notarized, any last wishes spelled out. My world was spinning. How do I say goodbye to my eleven year old son? To the love of my life and beloved husband? To my sweet sister that would be left without a mother or me? To say goodbye to all of those too numerous to begin listing.
My heart was broken. My Savior was guiding me home not leading me here.
By the time Saturday night rolled around and our fasting began. We joined in with family, friends, and our ward family in a time of fasting, prayer, and pleading for the Savior to again step in and spare my life. The overwhelming response was unbelievable. The numbers that joined in to bring the healing powers to earth and help me to live, were without number. I was so touched. So in awe. So grateful. I felt the arms of so many trying to sustain me and comfort me.
Sunday morning we awoke but the peace did not come. I felt the prayers and sacrifice of so many but the peace and reassurance of being protected during these tests did not come. I was broken hearted.
In faith, I mustered up all energy I could gather and we went to church. When we arrived, I was struggling so hard to breathe I could barely talk. Thomas gave updates to the ward members as I muffled my love and thanks to my ward family.
I was in awe of the number of people who were praying and fasting for me. The love and compassion shown is not expressive in words.
My heart cannot express the gratitude and love I feel for my beloved family here on this earth. It is far reaching beyond my immediate family and friends to the numerous loved ones that come each week and worship our Savior with me. My feelings intense and my heart is touched and full at my love for each of my loved ones.
Sacrament was special and tugged at my heart. The songs meant to ease my soul. The weight of the world and the inescapable path that must soon be walked weighed heavily on my mind. The deep anguish I felt is indescribable. I couldn't bear to look around and make eye contact for fear of the tears becoming uncontrollable because of my deep love for my brothers and sisters in that room.
I looked over and saw the sadness in Thomas' eyes. I saw Hayden's confusion and uncertainty. I was breaking my family's heart and was incapable of changing the circumstances.
As the talks went on, testimonies were born, my heart rang true with the truths being taught. My love for my Savior so intense that I would walk his will first, even at the expense of those I cherish most.
The closing hymn was "Each life that touches ours for good". I lost it. I looked around. Those I love surrounding me. My heart was overcome with grief and love and appreciation all mixed in. As the closing prayer given and the ward family began moving from the chapel to the rooms, one by one, a line was formed to hug and comfort me. The words expressed will always hold a dear and special place in my heart.
In tears, Thomas drove me home, exhausted. He had Hayden stay with me while he went back to church to his priesthood meetings.
The new bishop, Bishop Smith and outgoing bishop, Bishop Call were meeting and called Thomas over. They spoke. Hands were laid on my precious husband's head and a servant of The Lord proceeded to give Thomas a blessing of hope and comfort and peace.
As these great men cried together, a member of the stake presidency walked in and began speaking. President Smith is also a doctor and asked if he could come over to discuss the upcoming procedures and tests.
Arrangements were made for all three to come to he home that evening.
As Thomas relayed the events to me, I was so grateful for the support system that Thomas would have when I was gone. Hayden's primary teacher called offering his support and love. Dinner was brought in. Phone calls and texts and well wishes and prayers were without number.
My heart was so grateful for all the good people I have been blessed to walk this life with ......
My feelings began switching from survival to doctors assuring me that Thomas needed to know all of my passwords. The doctors sent me with a list of things that needed to be taken care of before my procedures on Tuesday including a living will, power of attorney signed over to Thomas, will signed and notarized, any last wishes spelled out. My world was spinning. How do I say goodbye to my eleven year old son? To the love of my life and beloved husband? To my sweet sister that would be left without a mother or me? To say goodbye to all of those too numerous to begin listing.
My heart was broken. My Savior was guiding me home not leading me here.
By the time Saturday night rolled around and our fasting began. We joined in with family, friends, and our ward family in a time of fasting, prayer, and pleading for the Savior to again step in and spare my life. The overwhelming response was unbelievable. The numbers that joined in to bring the healing powers to earth and help me to live, were without number. I was so touched. So in awe. So grateful. I felt the arms of so many trying to sustain me and comfort me.
Sunday morning we awoke but the peace did not come. I felt the prayers and sacrifice of so many but the peace and reassurance of being protected during these tests did not come. I was broken hearted.
In faith, I mustered up all energy I could gather and we went to church. When we arrived, I was struggling so hard to breathe I could barely talk. Thomas gave updates to the ward members as I muffled my love and thanks to my ward family.
I was in awe of the number of people who were praying and fasting for me. The love and compassion shown is not expressive in words.
My heart cannot express the gratitude and love I feel for my beloved family here on this earth. It is far reaching beyond my immediate family and friends to the numerous loved ones that come each week and worship our Savior with me. My feelings intense and my heart is touched and full at my love for each of my loved ones.
Sacrament was special and tugged at my heart. The songs meant to ease my soul. The weight of the world and the inescapable path that must soon be walked weighed heavily on my mind. The deep anguish I felt is indescribable. I couldn't bear to look around and make eye contact for fear of the tears becoming uncontrollable because of my deep love for my brothers and sisters in that room.
I looked over and saw the sadness in Thomas' eyes. I saw Hayden's confusion and uncertainty. I was breaking my family's heart and was incapable of changing the circumstances.
As the talks went on, testimonies were born, my heart rang true with the truths being taught. My love for my Savior so intense that I would walk his will first, even at the expense of those I cherish most.
The closing hymn was "Each life that touches ours for good". I lost it. I looked around. Those I love surrounding me. My heart was overcome with grief and love and appreciation all mixed in. As the closing prayer given and the ward family began moving from the chapel to the rooms, one by one, a line was formed to hug and comfort me. The words expressed will always hold a dear and special place in my heart.
In tears, Thomas drove me home, exhausted. He had Hayden stay with me while he went back to church to his priesthood meetings.
The new bishop, Bishop Smith and outgoing bishop, Bishop Call were meeting and called Thomas over. They spoke. Hands were laid on my precious husband's head and a servant of The Lord proceeded to give Thomas a blessing of hope and comfort and peace.
As these great men cried together, a member of the stake presidency walked in and began speaking. President Smith is also a doctor and asked if he could come over to discuss the upcoming procedures and tests.
Arrangements were made for all three to come to he home that evening.
As Thomas relayed the events to me, I was so grateful for the support system that Thomas would have when I was gone. Hayden's primary teacher called offering his support and love. Dinner was brought in. Phone calls and texts and well wishes and prayers were without number.
My heart was so grateful for all the good people I have been blessed to walk this life with ......
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