Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Enduring to the End?

It is days like today, when I tend to sit back and re-evaluate my life. Where am I? Am I on course? Am I headed where I want to be headed? Am I doing what the Lord expects of me.

And, although, I know that there are so many areas I need to improve in. It is the Lord's silent peace and stillness that I hear... be still and know that I am God. I do know that He lives. I trust him, I believe in him. I see him working so many miracles in so many others' lives. I see the potential and all the good that so many other people are doing. Yet, I question myself. I question my abilities. I question the good that I am doing. I am so much harder on myself than the Lord is on me. I don't know why. If the Lord is willing to let me have weaknesses, why don't I allow myself to have them?

I want to do it all. I want to raise a righteous family, I want to leave this world a better place than I found it. I want to do all I can to help all those I can. I think I take on way too much! I think I take on so much somedays that I fail at everything I try. I hope the Lord in the end understands, I really wanted to do it all. I really did try my hardest... but sometimes my weaknesses take over and I can't do it all. I get so down on myself.

I want to feel the Lord's arms wrapped around me and for him to tell me that although I keep falling down, that it is okay because I keep getting back up. I want to know that he loves me, in spite of me. I need to feel his love. I need to know he loves me. I need to know that no matter how much I fall short of my goals and things I should be doing that I am enough in his eyes.

It is a struggle for me. It really is. I am hoping that as I get older, that this will get easier for me to understand and accept my imperfections. Someday... I hope this gets easier to handle. Today it all feels really heavy!

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