I told Thomas I wanted out of the house. I wanted to do something. With California and the beach vacation quickly approaching, I now felt the possibility that I might be able to endure the travel to get to the beach. I decided of all places, Deseret Book and a new book to read at the beach condo, was exactly what I wanted. I got dressed and realized I could put on my pants while standing up. I smiled. I noted the change. I pulled my hair back in a pony tail and actually was able to do a simple style for the first time in over three years. Score. Lightheadness accompanied the need to utilize my hands over my head but I didn't care. Still an improvement. No matter how small. My fingers worked. I didn't forget anything while walking in the family room. Wow. This feels great.
Thomas starts the car and shields me from the sun. He has cooled off the car with a/c so the temperature inside is in the seventies. I reach over and hold his hand. This man anticipates my needs before I do. He loves me. He wants the best for me. I note the love in his eyes and the gentleness in his voice and touch.
We drive. Hayden rambles about how this feels normal. And although he doesn't like shopping, he finds peace and comfort in doing a simple outing as a family. He notes the smile on mine and Thomas' faces. He talks all the way there knowing he has our full attention. I smile. I love my family so much.
Thomas parks in our handyman spot. Hayden runs to open my door and to be the one to brace me to walk. Instead of leaning on his shoulder, as I normally do, I reach for his hand. A wide smile stretches across his face. First time in three years I could walk with my hand in his. Balance. I find myself self correcting my balance.
We walk in. Hayden talks of books and movies he wants to read and see. He loves the games. His favorite place, or one of them, is a bookstore. So many adventures to choose from. I decide I want a fiction novel. I don't have to find the next book on holding on or enduring trials or post mortal journey. I just want to enjoy the pages and lose myself in an adventure. I chose two books. Hayden chooses one. We are off.
I am amazed that I don't feel like I was hit by a semi truck. I am tired. I feel weaker. But I am ok. This is amazing. My smile widens. Is this what others can do? Get up, quickly get ready, head to the store and don't feel like they will die right after. Wow. I could get used to this. My legs are tired. But my heart is happy. I don't want to stop. I beg Thomas. One more store. Just one.
What store do I pick??? Sam's Club. Why? A much needed beach blanket was on the agenda. As we walk in, I am grateful that beach and summer supplies are at the store. And a bigger score, my dream beach blanket is on clearance for 75% off. Woohoo. I had my score but Hayden wasn't done. His favorite thing...samples. He begged. I told him I would try. We walked the edges and even bought a couple of his beloved sample "two thumbs up". Spinach feta pizza and turkey burgers were on top of his list. We threw those things in the cart along with a couple of goodies for the beach and we were on our way.
As we were standing in the checkout line, someone runs over to hug me. Of all people, mine and Thomas' bishop when we first got married and had Hayden. We talk to the Jarman's for a few minutes. It was so good to catch up. They loved seeing Hayden and his progress. I was able to stand there and think of what a very different conversation we would have had a month previously. How different the exchange would have been. Still heartwarming and good to hug someone we admired and loved but instead of hopeful futures and bright stories, we would have struggled how much to really share.
Each day, as we saw people, new and old, it was a struggle to answer the question "how are you?" The optimist in me searched for positive and uplifting responses. But the truth was...I was dying. And how do you answer a simple, "how are you" with the words "well, we are hopeful....we are surviving..: we are trying not to let the death sentence dappen our moods too much..." So when I see people, I struggle. To share or not to share? To enlighten or to simply smile and pretend all is ok. Being able to say we are conquering, we are thriving, we are hopeful, we are strong, and we are survivors and conquered.
I reflected the entire way home. We have had a ride but oh the views and experiences that life has brought along the way, I wouldn't trade for anything. We have been so blessed. At that moment, the small spark of hope turned into a beautifully lit flame. I felt my spirit expand and my strength increase. I am a survivor and a fighter. I can endure. I can do hard things. I can take what this life throws at me and turn it into lemonade. And my spark now began to fuel a fire.
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