Chad- O

We miss Chad like crazy! He was such a huge part of our lives for so long and having him at college is hard. Especially when he comes down and needs to visit so many people. I think that Thomas and Hayden may need to take a trip to Utah to visit him so they can get some quality to with him.

The boys start laughing and joking like always. There are Nerf guns blasting, darts flying everywhere, updates for computers, downloading new software and playing the XBOX.

I love how Hayden's face lights up when Chad is around. It brings me great joy.

We love Chad and all the ways he makes our lives complete. We hope he always knows that he is family to us. And we would do absolutely anything for him.

Hayden and treatments

 This news of lymphoma and immune system war we are beginning, brought me immediately to thoughts of my dear son.

What decisions do we make? How do I decide what to do? Where to get treatment? Do I take the harder medication that is available in pill form but be able to stay at home during treatment? Or do I take infusions where I can get help with other medicines are given to counteract the side effects, yet it requires Hayden to sit with me at an infusion center a couple of times a week?

The answer came quickly. I will opt for at home treatments. Even though it requires my son to be my caregiver, that we can do it within the confines of our home. No going to a hospital or treatment center and Hayden seeing all the other really sick people there. I don't want him to think this is where I am headed.

Hayden is simply amazing. He fixes me lunch on chemo days (and any time I am sick). He helps me to the bathroom. He lays in my bed next to me and reads and watches over me. He does his school work on the bed right by my side. He is my protector, supporter and my chemo buddy. His strength keeps me going on even the hardest days.

No one should have to face this, but especially not a fourteen year old boy. He is young. He is in his youth. He shouldn't have to deal with chemo, cancer, immune system failure, autonomic disorders, seizures, and so much more.

As that thought crossed my mind, another quickly came to my mind. My Savior was showing me what power has come from other fourteen year old boys and the weight and responsibility.  I was reminded that fourteen year old boys are strong, if they have a knowledge and faith in their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The beloved prophet Joseph Smith, seeking for truth, went into the woods to pray. After fighting the adversary himself, he saw God our Father and, his son, Jesus Christ.  He was instructed by them. He was trusted to do their work, at a mere boy of 14 years old. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, at a tender young age, chased the money changers out of the temple. He reminded his earthly parents that he was to be about his father's business. The list of amazing prophets and good men came to mind. Each took on huge responsibilities by the age of 14.

 Hayden was no exception. He is strong. He is rooted in the foundation of our beloved Savior. He knows right from wrong. Is it an ideal situation? No. But I am promised Hayden will be okay. He is willing to help me. He wants to be my strength with his dad. He repeatedly says how he wishes the priesthood power was given based on worthiness and readiness only, without an age requirement. He says he would do whatever was required to be able to hold the Melchizedek Priesthood. He wants so badly to bless me with the power of the higher priesthood. I reassure him that his prayers are heard. They are just as strong as blessings when he offers them in faith.  I am beginning to see him as my own little warrior. My own protector. My strength.

And if he wasn't up to the task, our loving Savior, would have provided other help for me. Instead, he knew that Hayden and I are a great team. He knew that we had Thomas' full support and love. With that, we move forward. Hayden at my side.

And although I hate seeing the responsibility placed squarely on Hayden's shoulders, he will rise to the task. I am one proud mom.

So, with Thomas and Hayden by my side, holding me up, we begin this next journey of fighting the lymphoma. I will trust my Savior that this journey will bless Hayden's life, not hurt it. 

Darkness

I feel I have been walking in the dark so long that I do not remember what it is like to walk in the light.

I have faith. I have faith in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I have faith that someday that all of the uncertainties and heartbreak in this life will be made right.

I have faith that someday I will have an illuminated path laid out before me. That after I have proven myself in the darkness, that my Savior will flood me with his light. The light that illuminates all the world.

But for now, for reasons and purposes far beyond mine own understanding, I must walk in complete darkness. I must walk without knowing where I am until my foot touches the ground. I must walk in a world that I do not understand. That takes all I have to navigate and not fall down. I am not sure why but I do trust that there must be some reason.....

So I continue to walk. I continue to try. I continue to move forward. Into the dark. Into the unknown. Into a world that is dark and lonely.

I pray that my Savior is just on the other side of the darkness. Because it is all dark and very lonely right now.

Songs and my Savior

My heart responds to music. The same great council given without the beautiful instruments and piano in the background, just isn't the same. As I have been pleading for answers. Begging for someone, somewhere, to bend down and grab my hand and pull me from this despair encircling me.

How ironically that my Savior would provide answer after answer, via Pandora music station. For hours on end, each song spoke directly to my heart. The order, the lyrics, the beautiful music, contained one sweet message after the next. The messages were definitely from the divine Savior.

As one of my favorite songs from Josh Groban played, tears fell. My Savior assured me that the hurt I feel, the weakness in my life, the need for help, is ok. Because all those emotions. All the feelings of loneliness and emptiness and heartaches, each moment of misery, those feelings drive me closer to my Savior.

Josh Groban --You raise me up

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

There is no life - no life without it's hunger
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly
But when you come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

 Then one of my favorite songs from Hilary Weeks came on with these beautiful lyrics.
He'll Carry You Lyrics

He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn't face another day he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he's never left your side

Chorus:
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He'll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he'll comfort you
Until you know the sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again

Chorus:
And when there are moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He hears you when you're crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to find
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures

Chorus:
That in the moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

Lymphoma & Nuclear bombs

Cancer has always scared me. I think because my mom died of a brain tumor when I was in high school, that to me, it is the incurable disease. I realize medical advancements have come far since then. Yet, fear still strikes my heart.

Sitting in the doctor's office this last week, those dreaded words were spoken. "We have to do whatever it takes to kill the lymphoma cells that have invaded your body. In addition to the full out attack, that your immune system has placed on your body."

The doctor went on to explain the battle plan and how we were going to attack my own body.

As I was confused and uncertain, and we were attacking so many different issues, I was trying to understand it all.

The doctor explained with nuclear bombs and missile strategic strikes. He explained that chemo number one, that I am currently on, is like a nuclear bomb. And that chemo number 2 that I begin here shortly is more of a targeted missile strategic strike only attacking the lymphoma b cells. He went on to explain that each week they have been letting off a nuclear bomb inside of me, trying to kill the bad, with the good. The new plan is to build up to 4-5 nuclear blasts each week along with a strategic missile strike.

Although Thomas somewhat smiled and laughed at the analogy, and I am grateful he did, as it broke up the intensity and seriousness in the room.

The words of lymphoma cancer cells did not escape me.  The doctor thought with everything else he was saying, that it might.

Yes, I have lymphoma. It is still in the very early stages. I can fight and beat it. We start an all out war here soon.

I have an immune system that has gone so crazy that it is killing me. It is attacking my body so aggressively that the lymphoma cancer is secondary to this problem. It is destroying the joints, the muscles, the ligaments, the cells, the blood vessels, the organs in my body, destroying my brain and setting an attack on my heart. Hence the breathing issues and feeling like I am suffocating all day, every day. Hence the indescribable pain. Hence the dislocated shoulder and dislocated wrist and elbow that the doctors and chiropractors cannot get to stay in socket.

So, my only choice is to try and fight this miserable disease. The treatment should take me within an inch of my life.  But, I am a mom. I am a wife. And I will fight this disease with all I have, with all the strength I can muster and all the help from my Savior above.

You're not alone

I awoke early this morning, in tears, praying for hope or comfort or help. Something from someone or somewhere that would give me hope and help me to hold on tight.

I sat down at the computer. I turned on Pandora. The first song began immediately playing and it was as if my Savior was singing this incredible song to me. If I had any tears left, they would have flowed freely during this song.

My Savior is good. He is kind. He is patient. He is forgiving. He is hope. He is love. He is comfort. He is peace. He is my comforter and my friend.

As the words were sung, my Savior took his love and wrapped me in it. He reassured me that I am not alone. He told me that although I have lost so much, that I have not lost him. I am so grateful for him. I am grateful for the one who loves me even when I am unlovable. I am grateful for the one who stands by my side when I stand alone.

Most of all, early this morning, when I felt so all alone. So lost. My Savior reminded me that I am not alone. I will never be completely alone because I am His. I am his beloved daughter. A daughter that simply has worth because I am a daughter of a King. And not any king, but a daughter of the King of Kings. And if he tells me I have worth, I must, even if I cannot see it right now.

You're Not Alone
by Meredith Andrews

I search for love, when the night came,
And it closed in, I was alone,
But you found me, where I was hiding,
And now I'll never ever be the same,
It was the sweetest voice,
That called my name saying

You're not alone, For I am here,
Let me wipe away your every fear,
My love I've never left your side,
I have seen you through the darkest night,
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life,
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep, cause the hurt is real,
And the pain cuts deep, all hope seems lost,
With heartache your closest friend,
And everyone else long gone,
You've had to face the music on your own,
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home saying

You're not alone, For I am here,
Let me wipe away your every tear,
My love I've never left your side,
I have seen you through the darkest night,
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life,
All your life

Faithful and true, Forever,
Oh my love will carry you

You're not alone, For I, I am here,
Let me wipe away your every fear
Oh yeah, My love I've never left your side,
I have seen you through the darkest night,
Your darkest night,
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life,
All of your life

Invisible Illness

I saw this on Facebook. I immediately showed this to Thomas and Hayden. I said that this is the most real example of how my neck and back and arms constantly feel. In fact, it is how my entire body feels.

I explained that is why sometimes it hurts so bad for them to hug me. This is why it hurts sometimes when the dogs jump on me. Why I walk so gingerly, why I sit carefully, why I bend slowly and methodically, why I wince in pain, why I move so slowly and why I complain if the bed bounces around or I get concerned if I think that someone may run into me.

It is also why I am paranoid of a car wreck. I cannot imagine any more bruises or broken places. Literally, I feel I battle this pain every single solitary day.

To the point....it makes me tear up, because I give myself a little more credit for what I endure day in and day out, every single hour of the day. In fact, it is 2:00 am, and I am awake. Why? Because my back and neck hurt too much from laying on that bruised and beat up back.

Maybe it is a good thing no one can see it. I definitely wouldn't want the pity or crazy looks.

Also, a sweet reminder that no matter how someone looks on the outside, the pain felt on the inside is invisible. BUT no less real. If we could all see each others scars, my guess, the world would be a kinder place. I sure hope that I give others the benefit of the doubt. Because the pain is oh so real. And oh so much more painful than it even looks.