There have been moments where I find myself pleading with my Father in Heaven and Savior to take my own bitter cup from me. To let my own Gethsemanee pass from before me. That I may be done with this hard and treacherous trial.
This latest battle of complications has brought me again to this place. I am at a point of complete and utter dependence on our Savior. I have nothing left. My cup is empty. My fight is gone. My endurance tapped to the very edge. And my ability to fight and conquer completely gone.
Last week, as I felt I had given every last drop of energy, strength, endurance and will to fight, I found myself driven to my knees. My prayer was one of complete hopelessness. A final acceptance that I cannot fight this long hard battle with one more breath, let alone another day. I surrendered. I completely and utterly put my life into the Savior's hands. I begged for relief. Even temporary or an ever so slight reduction of the pain and torment I was trying so hard to endure. I even agreed to leave this mortal body behind and find relief in no longer being a slave to this mortal body. I poured my heart out to my Savior, with tears streaming down my face and a completely broken heart.
I must have either passed out or collapsed or fallen asleep during this epic battle I was facing. The next thing I remember was being wrapped in the loving arms of my husband. Thomas was home. I felt myself relax a little into his arms. I allowed him to literally bear the weight of my body and soul. No words were spoken by me. None were needed. This amazing husband of mine knows me so well. He did what he always does. With me in his arms, he offered a beautiful prayer to our Father in Heaven. He pleaded for the Savior to comfort me in a way only he could. He prayed for guidance so he would know how to help me. He prayed for angels to buoy me up while I again was strengthened by the Savior to endure again my burdens. He prayed for the Holy Ghost to comfort my heart and whisper peace to my soul. The words spoken were beautiful. I felt his immense love for me and utter dependence and trust on our Savior.
After our hearts were filled with peace, my husband laid his hands on my head and called down the powers of Heaven, utilizing his priesthood power from God.
The words spoken were almost angelic. Angels administered to me. I felt our Savior's love in a way that I had never experienced before. I felt the powerfulness of the Holy Ghost. I understood the phrase, and angels administered unto them.
The words of the blessing, guidance and council from my Savior, was so needed and helped me to carry on. However, they were not words necessarily of comfort. Yes. Feeling my Savior's and Father in Heaven's love for me, Jerlyn, was a remarkable blessing. But the blessing did not bring words of comfort regarding the future. It did not promise relief or an ease of suffering from the burdens I was facing. Contrary, I was told I would not only need to endure this but harder trials were coming and more obstacles and challenges needed to be endured.
I was told that the road behind me was short in comparison to he journey still left ahead. There were many more mountains to climb, so much more to be endured and many more painful and long trials to face. As long as I walked this earth, the trials would be intense and I would endure much long-suffering.
My Father in Heaven did give me a beautiful gift. He promised to walk this road with me. To help bear me up to be able to conquer my trials with ease. He promised his strength. His love. His guidance. His protection. And His peace.
He promised me that when this life is over that I will look back and see that this life, these trials I must face were but a "blink of an eye". That because of these trials, I would be able to enjoy the blessings of eternity. I was promised it would be worth it.
I was given another beautiful and heart easing gift in that beautiful priesthood blessing. My Father in Heaven gave me some of the "why's". Why I needed to endure these trials. Why he required me to walk such a long and painful journey. Why this was necessary. Why this was needed.
As I was able to understand some of the reasons and blessings that would come, I found myself reaching for any strength I had left. I found my heart change. Instead of pleading for relief, I began praying for added endurance and added strength.
Somehow knowing that this journey of mine would help bring other of my brothers and sisters home, that I would help play a small role in helping others to feel the love our Savior has for each of us, helped give me the much needed will to keep walking this path and endure whatever life's challenges are thrown at me. I was promised that if I could see the difference that my journey would make, that I would walk it joyfully.
I trust my Father in Heaven. My Savior has never lead me wrong. The Holy Ghost has only testified of truth to my heart. I didn't need the details or the entire picture. I needed to know that this walk...this long and painful journey....this trial of mine mattered. That in clinging to my Savior, my rock, that I could help show others the way. That made all the difference.
This journey isn't just my walk. It is a journey of all those that have stood with me. It is for every person that has taken me to a doctor, every friend that has sat and held my hand when the road seemed too long to bear, each person that uplifted my soul with comforting words, each lovingly prepared meal brought in by a sister, each whisper of comfort and hope, each hug, and every person that has prayed for me. This journey isn't mine alone to walk.
My Father in Heaven lovingly answered my prayer in a way I would understand and accept. He knows me so well. He made a hopeless and unbearable situation again bearable. Knowing He knows me and loves me is enough. Knowing that I am truly His! That He is my Father. That my Savior died on the cross for me. That in His suffering, He felt my pains and heartaches and struggles, show me that I am not alone.
I felt Heaven and earth combine that day. The powers of Heaven were in my room. I was taken from complete anguish and despair to a place of love and peace and endurance.
Words cannot express the feelings and love and peace that encompassed my room. I came to a greater understanding of my role, my mission on earth, my part of His plan and that I am loved by my Savior and Heavenly Father. I matter so much that they would have designed this entire world and sacrifice and our Savior would have died. Just. For. Me. I am enough. I am worth it. What a beautiful gift.
As Thomas lovingly took me in his arms, we cried together. Grateful for this experience. So grateful for the feelings we experienced. So grateful the Savior loves us enough to help us understand.
I have such a better understanding of the plan of salvation and our roles here on earth and our Savior's role. Our Savior loves each of us. He loves each of his children. He loves you and me and all of us the same. Each of us matter. Each of us are enough. Each of us were individually worth the Savior dying for. It is a beautiful plan. Our Heavenly Father and his beloved son, Jesus Christ live. Of this I solemnly add my testimony. They live. They love us. Their mission in life is to help us home. They stand ready and willing with open arms. It is our choice whether or not to take the gifts that they so lovingly offer and embrace them. Each of us must choose. I am so glad I chose them.
With my Savior, I will continue to walk whatever lies ahead. I know the path is rocky, the mountains steep and the bitter winds and trials will beat heavily on me. I also know I am not alone. My Savior walks this journey with me and carries me when I have no more to give. I love him with all my heart. Yet that is only a fraction of how much he loves me.