Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Funny Day

Hayden was helping me on the computer and I told him that my password was Hayden. He said, "Aw mom, you love me so much that you used me as your password." I love you too much, too! Suzi and I laughed, he then added, "I am being absolutely adorable, aren't I?"

Hayden is loving being able to poke at me and run. He knows that I can't get up and get him. He thinks this is fantastic.

Suzi had a couple of procedures at the hospital today. She came back pretty out of it and on that twilight medication that makes you forget. She keeps repeating herself. So, she calls Jodi and says, "Jodi, do you know what the hospital did with my clothes?" I busted up laughing and told her that she was wearing them. She will NEVER live that down. Too funny!

There are some great things about sitting on the couch with a computer in hand. I am definitely journaling and documenting more.

Change your Questions

I have been reading the book, "Change Your Questions, Change Your Life". It is an amazing book. As I was reading yesterday, I started laughing. One of the questions was, Is your current situation or problem a solution to another problem in your life. I laughed so incredibly hard. I could see so clearly how the Lord is using this current situation, me being confined down, to help me deal with other situations and problems in my life. I see clearly how he is using this time to help me change my focus or my perspective to more clearly see his path for me.

It is funny how to me that he can try and try to teach me, and then one day, unexpectedly, the Lord uses a different group of circumstances to teach me and it all becomes so clear. He is using this time of me being down to teach me some incredibly powerful and life changing new possibilities.

I never thought I would be grateful for the pain or the surgery or the downtime that it is forcing me to take. But I am. I definitely am glad for the things that he is trying to teach me today. I so feel him close. I have been blessed to see his guiding light in my life. He has strengthened me and carried me. I am so forever grateful. As I was reading the book yesterday, it all started coming together.

Knapp boys

Before I had surgery, we spent one evening with Julie and her boys. It had been so long since I hung around Sean and TJ. It was weird seeing them all grown up. I spent so much time with them when they were young.
Julie had squirt guns for all the boys for a water fight. Of course, she gave the little boys the big guns and the dads the small guns. The boys toasted the adults. So fun to watch the boys all having so much fun. I have decided that boys never grow up, they are always up for a water and gun fight.
I loved spending time with them. I cant believe how much we were all the same, even after all of these years. It has been so fun reconnecting with the boys, even if most of our conversations now are via facebook.
And, Brody is definitely one of the cutest little guys around. Hayden had so much fun playing with him. It was fun to watch Hayden take on the older role and explain things to Brody. Too much fun! Definitely something I am looking forward to doing more often.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I am not always completely with it while on pain killers. They seriously effect my thinking. Sunday was an incredible day. I felt so loved and had so many visitors. Dad and Bonnie visited me and talked for quiet a while. Joyce stopped by. Julie came and brought me a laptop to use, Ann came over and a couple people from the ward stopped by.

That evening, Jake & Rosie made dinner and Kaylee made a cake. We were just talking and Josh called to say he was on his way over. With him headed over, we called Jodi and Suzi and told them to come over. It was the funnest impromptu party. I love it when we all get together. It makes my heart so happy! My brothers are great at smiling and making me laugh. We all hung out together until about 10pm.

After getting ready for bed, I took meds and had to wait up until they kicked in before I could attempt trying to sleep. I dozed on the couch for a while and then tried to get into bed. Due to habit, influence of percocet and sheer tiredness, I was in routine mode. Without thinking, I knelt down by my bed to say my prayers. Again, I think, WHAT WAS I THINKING? I found myself next to the bed and no possible way to get up. Thomas had already gone to bed. He was in a sound sleep. I kept calling his name, getting louder and louder and he was still snoring. I hollered for Suzi, who had just gone to bed... no luck. I tried crawling over to the trunk to see if I could pull myself up, but no luck! I finally threw enough pillows at Thomas that he woke up. He had to completely lift me into bed. I laughed. Am I crazy? I will definitely be thinking before I do anything like that again.

It was such a great day, I needed to show gratitude. Thomas assured me that the Lord would understand if I prayed from my bed or couch. Too funny!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

New Perspective

First week out of surgery has been a surreal experience. I was blessed for the stars to align and to be able to have a great friend come help me out during surgery. Since the surgery was an emergency, it fell over spring break. Julie had the week off and was able to re-arrange her schedule to come spend the week with me and take care of me. I was absolutely spoiled. We talked, she made gourmet lunches, did my dishes, laundry and took incredibly good care of me along with the help of so many others.

What I didn't realize would happen is how much this week would change me. I was able to sit back and think. I don't stop long enough to do that very often. This surgery and downtime has forced me to be still. I don't know that being still and just listening is something that I am good at or I practice very often. I have learned more about me through talking with Julie than I could have ever imagined.

One day we sat and listened to the I-touch while talking. It was amazing, as different songs came on, how the conversation drifted to the music. I relate better to songs and can explain my thoughts and feelings through songs better than I can thru words. I think it is the melody playing in the background of the lyrics that is so powerful. Anyways, we were listening and the song from Rent came on that talks about how do you measure a life. Wow, has that made me think over the last past couple of days. It has brought back to really think about the meaning to this life and helped me to really evaluate who I am, where I am headed and where I want to be. Each song brought different emotions and feelings. Julie has the GREATEST music and I just want to copy it all.

I can't express the gratitude I feel to Julie and her giving up a week of her life to just help me walk thru not only the surgery, but all of the emotions and feelings that have been tied up with all of these hormones and reasons behind having to go thru this. It was a journey I was so scared of facing, and I have never felt more loved going thru something. I have felt my Heavenly Father's love so close this past week that I could feel like I could physically reach out and touch him. My mom has been close. Julie, along with so many others, has stood by me as I walked this very difficult journey. I now see the light at the end of this tunnel that I have been facing for such a long time. I am eternally grateful for this week.

I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father that put things in motion so that this week could happen for me. There was nothing short of a miracle in my life this past month. It amazes me the love that my Father in Heaven has for me. He has taken care of all the details to make my life as incredible as it could possibly be and placed incredible people along my path to walk this life with me.

Thanks, Julie! I am a better person after spending a week with you!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I am already beginning to see the blessings that have been given to me over the past several weeks!

1. I feel loved! So many friends and family have dropped their lives to take care of me!
2. I know the Lord has been looking out for me. He always does, but it has been very obvious this time around.
3. The anesthesiologist that used essential oils was a blessing. Not only did it help in my recovery, it was as if the Lord was saying, "Jerlyn. Be still. I am here." He found someone that spoke to me. My language. The Lord so willingly gave me what I needed. He was showing me He was there in room 103B on Thursday with me. I will NEVER forget it!
4. Hayden was okay. In fact, Suzi took him on a vacation to Utah. There was no stress about me being in the hospital. Thomas wasn't pulled in different directions. I was able to just get well. I knew Hayden was having the time of his life and he was being cared for. What a relief!
5. Hayden woke up in the morning and said, "Mom, are you excited to get to see your mom today?" Me, that made me a little nervous, until he added, "Grandma is always there for me during my surgeries and she loves you so much. She will be with you today!" And, I felt her love and her there.
6. Julie. She has given up so very much for me. She has walked me thru this. She has let me cry. She has been my strength. I can't express enough the gratitude I have for her being here for me.
7. My sweet sister and brothers. I have felt their love, their support, their caring and their sheer willingness and desire to take this from me. How lucky am I?
8. My dad. We have shared some sweet, meaningful conversations. He is a good man and I have been blessed to realize his love for me.
9. My testimony. Each day. Every day. It has been strengthened and renewed.
10. I have been able to see blessings, tender mercies and healing in each day. I feel watched over, cared for and loved.
When this is over, watch out world, a new Jerlyn is emerging and I can already tell that me and her are going to accomplish many great things.

Surgery-Post Op

I survived! Right now, that is a great feeling because I sure struggled before the surgery, both emotionally and physically. It sure wasn't fun! I feel so blessed to be on the other side of the looming surgery date, because from here on out, things are getting better.

I was given the sweetest blessing by my dad before surgery. Thomas and I both wanted him to be the one to do this for me. I was promised many wonderful things in my blessing. Mostly, that I would be okay. That the Lord wasn't ready for me yet. As my mom was 39 years old when she went in to surgery and came out paralyzed, I was REALLY struggling with going under and the effects the surgery could have on me. My brain realized it wasn't the same, but my heart was so scared. The Lord addressed each of my concerns in his sweet blessing, calmed my fears and gave me the strength and hope I needed to make it thru the surgery.

Actual details: Surgery went fairly quickly.  The tumor and problems were much bigger and more serious than they imagined, but the doctor was able to get it all. I am officially in menopause. No more girly parts, including my ovaries, they took it all. I had great nurses, doctors and care-givers. I had a great support system of people that called and came up and checked on me. I had the knowledge that my very real and loving Heavenly Father was with me. I am truly grateful!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


This morning I was asking what his favorite part about going to Utah with Suzi is going to be. Yes, complete shocker that I am letting Suzi take Hayden on a plane to Utah for a week while I am in the hospital, but I thought it might help him not to stress so much.

Anyways, I asked are you more excited to a) fly on the airplane b)play with Cooper or c)go to Disney on Ice. He thought for a quick second, and said, "All of it! But, you are forgetting something mom!" I asked what and he replied, "Getting back on the plane to come see you again!" Awwww! He so melts my heart!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Finally scheduled

Okay, after a horrible weekend and a stay in the hospital, the doctors are moving up surgery to this Thursday morning. Hallalujah. I guess it is now being deemed an emergency. Just for the record, I thought it should have been an emergency last week. Thank heavens the blood results came back bad enough that now it is an emergency to the doctor.

So, not looking forward to the pain of this but glad to get rid of all the pain and emotions this is causing me. Any prayers this way would be GREATLY appreciated. I am at a place that I could really use all the help I can get. I am ready for this chapter in my life to be behind me and I am praying that if there are any lessons that I need to learn, that I pick up on them quickly. This is NOT an experience I want to re-live! :)

Saturday, March 6, 2010


I am doing better. I am thankful for all the loving and supportive friends and family I have. You have all made such a difference.

I am starting to feel better. Off all synthetic medications, on to all natural hormone replacements. They seem to be working much better. Today is my first day actually feeling hopeful again.

I have learned a lot of lessons over the past couple weeks. Most of all, I have been reassured that the Lord answers our prayers thru other people. I have been blessed to have been the recipient of lots of help, for which I will be eternally grateful! And, I have been reassured that the Lord knows me, Jerlyn, he loves me and he is there especially in my darkest hour. All lessons I guess I still needed to re-learn.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Out of Control

Sometime in the last week, I have COMPLETELY and ENTIRELY lost control of all emotions and my life. I do not know how anyone deals with hormone imbalance. I have so much empathy. So much more understanding. The surgery I had to correct the problems, has only exaggerated them. What was painful, annoying and bothersome has now become unbearable and I am completely unrational to these hormones and feelings inside of me. I am guessing the surgery on ovaries didn't work.

So, when the OB's office has contacted me numerous times a day, my homeopathic doctor, and our essential oil friend are calling every couple of hours to see if they are being able to balance anything out, I know that I am in over my head. So far, not much improvement. Trust be told, they gave me a straight out valium and it still isn't mellowing me out much. I am wondering how I am going to survive to surgery on April 14th. It feels like a lifetime away.

I am seriously re-thinking changing or canceling our Nauvoo trip that we have so looked forward to going to. It is April 7 - 13. Hence surgery on April 14th.

Although, all doctors are telling me if I can just make it until Monday, that things should start calming down. Problem is: I don't know if at this rate I am going to make it until Monday.

I am so thankful for an understanding and supportive group of incredible family & friends that are rallying around me to make sure that I am still here on Monday. :) No, that are just trying to help out.

I am so thankful for the most wonderful, caring, loving husband on earth. Thankful that my dad told me to put work on the back burner and just get better, to Suzi and Jodi who are ALWAYS there. And, right now, especially to Julie who came over last night and sat up with me all night with Thomas, as they tried to work out medications with me. And, who has contacted me every hour today to try and help me survive this. I love you all, more than you will ever know!

So, full hysterectomy, bladder surgery, the works, bring it on! It can't be any worse than this. I know the pain may be bad but if someone can get these emotions and hormones under control, I will be eternally grateful.