New help found

My dear lifelong friend, Darce contacting me a couple of months back about a new product she was finding success with. Crazy as life is, I had several people bring new products to me within a week. With money being a major issue, we wanted to figure out which one product to try.

One night, during a painful and emotionally rough night, I had a meltdown. A crying, sobbing, feel sorry for myself complete breakdown. I sobbed. My cries awoke Thomas. He said a prayer. That night I started on this new product, Q96. 

Within the first couple of days, I felt a change. I was calmer. I was coping with issues that were sending me into a breakdown. And much to my surprise, carrying on a conversation and it wasn't causing major concentration and a headache due to the complex strain of concentrating. Within a week, I was experiencing improved concentration and clarity. I was coping with a greater calm. 

I started sleeping thru the night and had increased energy during the day. My afternoons still included a nap but it was now 2 hours instead of 4 hours of complete unconsciousness and dipping rates into coma stats. I was happier. I was enjoying my life more. 

Two weeks on the product and Hayden came bouncing into my room with a smile stretched across his amazing face. He commented that I was mom again. How great is that!?! He said, "Dad, mom is more mom than she has been in years." We asked how. He went on about the sound of my voice and the smile on my face. But most of all that I was more relaxed and laid back. Nothing could have brought more joy and peace to heart and mind. 

Hayden is also taking this vitamin/mineral/micronutrient. He has been on it only a couple of weeks. The changes and benefits we are seeing are amazing. He is no longer having night terrors. He is sleeping in his own room. He is no longer chewing and eating his shirt and anything else he can out in his mouth. He is calmer. He is happier. He is interacting more with his peers and sticking with it for longer time period of time. His headaches are completely gone. He had daily headaches. His daily leg cramps are gone. His digestive issues have drastically decreased. He too, is experiencing these same added benefits of a calmness, added clarity with homeschooling and coping with his realm of health issues. He smiles more and is genuinely happier. 

My nephew is struggling. He has severe ADHD and Anxiety issues. Both are drastically decreased. My sweet nephew told me that, "the storm in my head is gone."  He is embracing his life with added joy and zest. He is doing things he has never had the attention span and ability to do. He went to the movies for the first time and loved it and wanted to go back. He is socializing with more friends and less anxious while doing so. He is cleaning and doing chores and things he despised with a calmer demeanor. He is seeing the benefits of this product, but his mom is really noticing the difference. It is giving him a better quality of life. 

I could keep going with story after story. Example after example. And testimonials that would wow. 

This formula of vitamins and micronutrients was formulated and created by a man who tragically lost his wife to suicide while she battled a bipolar disorder. Two of his children were headed in the same direction and he was so scared he would lose them to this illness. He just knew he had to be able help his children and his quest began. 

The day that his son walked out of his room and was better functioning. He then gave it to his daughter. They began taking control of their disease rather than the bipolar disorder overriding their lives. 

Thomas and I believe this is the road to our future. In a very personal prayer,  Thomas and I were told to pursue this product. Not just as a consumer, but we were to get into the business. I don't know that we will make a lot of money. But, we both have the desire to help others lives improve. 

In fact, the wording used by my Savior was, "A one stop shop". He wanted. Thomas and I to created a haven where people can come. Where we can help direct them in where to turn for peace, strength, hope, natural remedies, a chiropractor, a myriad of doctors and now Q96. My dear Savior is trusting me and Thomas to help others in helping them find different doctors, medications and treatments to help them. We will also be blessed to use our experiences to promote faith and hope and our Savior in coping with daily challenges. I couldn't be more him led or excited for this new journey and adventure. 

So, if you are struggling with depression, bipolar disorder, dementia, Alzheimer's, autism, ADHD, strokes, neurotransmitter balance, migraines or any neurological conditions. If you are hoping for a greater calm in your life. If you need extra help in order to just cope with the circumstances of life and your road. Or if concentration and clarity are causing you issues and anxiety, or just forgetting, this product may be for you. 

If there is anything that Thomas or I can do to help or answer questions, we would love to. We want to pass this on so all can see the benefits we are experiencing. We will update our journey. We are excited for this new adventure. And we are meeting incredible people along this road. 

Were our prayers answered? Yes. They were not answered how we thought they would be. However, our Savior is guiding and directing out lives. He is leading us to a beautiful place. And Q96 is definitely apart of our answer and journey. Stay tuned.... We are excited for this adventure to begin. 

Priesthood and my beliefs

I have spent the last year of my life studying the priesthood. Not because it was in the news or because it was on the forefront of topics and media and social media, but because my sweet son was preparing to receive the priesthood. 

As we studied, we learned about how Christ established His gospel when He walked this earth. We talked of how the priesthood power, with property authority, was again restored to this earth through the prophet, Joseph Smith. 

We learned of the blessings that come thru the obedience of the gospel. We learned of all the ways that the priesthood power is the power to bind in Heaven what is bound on earth. We studied the power of the priesthood that miracles are wrought by. 

We studied the priesthood line of authority. Where all of the authority of each person ordained, could be directly traced back to the Savior. My sweet son was excited to learn that his priesthood authority directly came from our Savior. We studied this and the importance. We studied the scriptures. 

During that time, we learned important truths. The priesthood is a power do service and blessing the lives of others. Others. In no way can this sacred priesthood power be utilized to bless the lives of oneself. It isn't possible. 

To me, women are born with the internal desire to bless lives. We see the needs of others and we try to meet them. We are born to love and serve. We are born to be mothers and nurturers and caregivers. We naturally take care of one another. 

When our Savior placed Adam and Eve in this earth, they both had divine qualities that are gifts from our Heavenly parents. Women received the gift to give birth, to nurture and received the greatest call given, to that of divine motherhood. Men, to help encourage them and keep them focused on the Savior's ways, were given the gift of the priesthood to help them to look beyond themselves in this life. 

Both gifts different, but both essential critical and important. 

Is playing the piano or having a beautiful singing voice more valued? What about a fabulous cook or an amazing craftsman? What about an eloquent writer or a beautiful illustrator? 

We are each given beautiful gifts from our Heavenly Father. Whether raising  a child or raising the dead, or comforting the sick and making them meals or laying of hands to call down the powers of Heaven, we are all valued and needed in the Lord's kingdom. Each of us. Men and women. Fathers and Mothers. Sons and daughters of God. 

I am grateful to understand that my divine role of a mother and daughter of God is valued and precious to my Savior and Father in Heaven. I am grateful for a loving husband that guides and directs our family with love. That he uses his priesthood power to bless our lives and the lives of all of those around us. 

To me, the priesthood is a partnership. It is a power, given to righteous men to bless the lives of all those around them. With Thomas, I am a recipient of my Savior's love, because my husband can call down the powers of Heaven to bless our lives. 

After I have been caring all day for a sick child or parent or friend, my husband can help, be of service, by laying his hands on their head and calling down the powers of Heaven, to help heal and comfort and strengthen the sick and the caregiver. While giving the blessing, he can receive inspiration and guidance in what words to speak, what actions to take and how to bless those around. A good and faithful priesthood holder would then help in any way they felt inspired, teaming up with others, creating a partnership with the caregivers and our  Father in Heaven and Savior, to bless the lives of those in need. 

Each of us are important and critical in this life. Our Father in Heaven needs all the willing hands he can get to help in this life. Whether we help utilizing the priesthood, or God given gifts of nurturing and serving, we are all needed and wanted and a vital part of the plan. 

I am grateful for the priesthood, it's power, and the blessing I have to have it so easily accessible in my home. It is truly one of my greatest blessings. 

My Savior

Oh how this quote describes my life now and always. My Savior has asked me to do hard things. He has asked me to walk a road very seldom traveled. He asked me to forge ahead and create a path. He asked me to trust Him. He asked me to do the impossible alone, but assured me that He would walk with me and together we could accomplish His plan. I am so glad I trusted Him. I am so grateful for my experiences. I'm so blessed to have come to know my Savior in a very personal and intimate way. He is my Savior. My Redeemer. My strength. My wisdom. My best friend. My comforter. My all. 

I am grateful my Savior loved me enough to allow me to walk this path and journey with him. Though this path was unbelievably hard and undeniably the hardest journey I could imagine, my Savior lovingly and patiently walked it with me. He has taught me. He has guided me. He has comforted me. He has given me so much. Most of all, I testify that He lives. 

He is all the wonderful things that everyone says. He loves me. His daughter. He knows my name. He knows me better than I know myself. And he is so gentle and kind and loving. He is patient with me and oh so gentle. 

He trusted me. And I have learned to trust him always and without question. I have experienced his love and compassion. I have felt his arms gently wrap around me and comfort me when all the worldly and earthly things were taken from me.  I have come to trust his words, his heart, his eyes, his soul and his will. 

I testify His ways are better than mine. I testify that He will never lead me or anyone wrong. The path may be rocky and rough. It may feel like it is straight uphill and impossible. But our Savior has taken me to new heights and new places. He has helped me to grow and reach beyond anything I could have attained myself. He has allowed me to feel excruciating sorrow and pain so I could feel exhilaration and His immeasurable love. He allowed me to walk alone so I would recognize Him and His presence. I'm grateful for His wisdom and trust in me. 

I love my Savior. He is my Redeemer. I am eternally indebted to Him. Because He loves me.  

Baptisms

Saturday was a day that I had been looking forward to for a very long time.

Almost a year ago, I started selling items on the online garage sale sites. We needed money and people wanted our things. It has worked out so well for us.

Not only have we been able to raise money by selling items online, I have also had the opportunity to meet some amazing people. I have been very blessed that many of those have now become my friends.

One of these ladies that bought things from me online was Kerri. Who would have known that a Star Wars Luke Skywalker costume and a star wars shooter could have put events in motion to unfold the way they have.

Last September, I listed different Halloween costumes of ours for sale. Immediately, Kerri sent a reply that she was interested in Luke Skywalker. She decided to meet at Thomas' office. At the last minute, her husband decided to come. Thomas and Shane sat and talked, as Shane used to work where Thomas does. Kerri and I spoke after and realized how many things we have in common.

In November, she was excited to buy several of Hayden's old toys and clothes from us. We were scheduled to meet. When she came, the trunk of the car would not open and we could not get access to the things she wanted to purchase. We struggled and struggled with that trunk. As we were moving, I was cleaning out more things that did not fit into our home. As I was sorting thru some books, I thought she may like some of the books I had on sensory processing and autism. I put them in a bag, didn't think much of it and was just going to give them to her, as we had spent many night awake and talking while she was dealing with a struggling child and me struggling to breathe. As I further went thru books, I picked up a Book of Mormon reader. I flipped thru it remembering all the times I read it to Hayden, and all the family home evenings that had been given using that book. Good memories. I started to keep it because I am sentimental. Then, a quick thought came and went, Kerri needs this. So far, Kerri and I had talked only a little about the church...I knew she wasn't a member and knew that she was only starting to have questions about God and the Bible. I set it aside and would pray about it.

I invited her to the Gilbert Temple open house. She accepted. We talked a little about temples and the church's views on different things.

On December 21st, we were to meet for her to get the items that had been previously stuck in the truck. I remembered the books. When I grabbed the Book of Mormon reader, I thought, what else do I have and what do I say? I grabbed a copy of the Book of Mormon and wrote my testimony in it. I grabbed the Book of Mormon reader and found the box with the Bible Readers in them and some other children's church books I had. I put them all in with a note. I told her that as I thought of what I could do for her, this was the gift I treasured most in life. It is also the book that I get most of my parenting skills from. It is the book I turn to when I need more patience, more guidance, more understanding, more humility and the list goes on.

December 22nd, I received a message from her thanking me. December 23rd, I received lists and lists of questions. She and her husband had stayed up all night and read all of the children's books cover to cover and had a list of questions. I spent the next several days responding to her questions and the new ones coming in. She craved reading and wanted to understand it all. We talked on families and the Family Proclamation. We talked of Christ. We talked of scriptures. We talked of prophets. We talked and talked and I wrote and wrote. She was just soaking everything she could in.

January came and her questions and comments became a regular part of my week. I looked forward to them and the way they made me think.

I loved hearing of her experience in the temple and how her son wanted them to go into the baptismal font. I loved when missionaries started coming to her home. I loved the day when she asked me about my testimony. I loved the moments we spent learning and researching and reading and growing. I loved her comments and the amazing person my friend was.

Good things happened to their family. He adopted her children. They had great experiences together. She was pregnant and all was going great. Then she developed a medical emergency. Next thing I knew, her baby boy was in critical condition, was over a month early and he was struggling to live. I got a message asking me to pray. I told her about the temple prayer roll. We put their names in. I talked to her about priesthood blessings and explained that Thomas could come to the hospital to help.

Her baby took a turn for the worse. He wasn't doing well. We went to the hospital and Thomas and another family friend of hers, laid their hands on their heads and gave both mom and baby blessings. We also brought up more reading materials. The Book of Mormon became a source of strength to her while she spent over a month in the hospital with her son. I looked forward to our daily talks about the gospel.

Her son grew healthier and with monitors attached, they took him home. While in the hospital, her ward in Casa Grande became involved. They helped with the other children at home, meals, cleaning the house and rides to/from the hospital.

Her daughter attended girls camp and loved it and the relationships she gained with the girls.

Last Saturday, I was blessed to attend the baptism of my friend, Kerri Haggstrom, her husband, Shane and their daughter, Autumn and son, Corbin. It was amazing seeing them all in white. The smiles stretched across their faces. They seriously beamed with excitement and anticipation.

When their 3 year old son walked in, he came right to me, even though I had only met him once. He sat on my lap, we played stickers, we read the Friend. He kept saying, "I want go water. I want Jesus. I want baptized." over and over he repeated the phrase, even making me leave the baptism to "go see Jesus". He was convinced he was there. He was so tender. The spirit so strong.

The baby saw me and smiled his little heart out. All joy.  All smiles. When he saw Thomas, he literally arched his back and coo'ed and tried leaning to Thomas. He smiled at him, he coo'ed, he giggled and just was so cute. His mom looked at me and said, "He must remember the blessing because I have never seen him like this." The smiles continued. Thomas loved it.

When I gave the closing prayer, Lil Red, my three year old buddy, prayed with me.

The joy I felt was indescribable. I am so grateful that I sold Hayden's Luke Skywalker costume. I am grateful I listened to the prompting to send the Book of Mormon reader. I am grateful for a lifelong friendship that has been built. I am grateful that my Father in Heaven allowed me to be a small part of His plan in bringing the greatest gift I have, to the lives of this amazing family.

The Lord is in the details of our lives. He can turn costumes into the gift of the gospel. He can turn a prompting into a gift.

I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know He lives. I know He atoned for our sins. I know that He restored His gospel, the same that He established when He walked this earth, to the young boy, Joseph Smith. So that we today, could have the benefit of His gospel. With all of the priesthood ordincances and life saving covenants that He taught when He walked this earth.

God lives. He loves me and each of us. I know that our prayers are heard. Each one. Always. He answers. He answers in the way that is best for us, but He always answers.I testify of His goodness, His mercy and His love. I have been a recipient of all the good that He has given us. I am grateful each and every day for His atonement and gospel. And to be able to share it, has brought immense joy to my life.

As we drove home, I was exhausted and happy. I felt like my feet didn't touch the ground. I knew the Savior had used me as a small part of His plan and that felt amazing.

Jodi's house

Hayden and I were to have another appointment at the brain mapping doctor last Wednesday. Thomas was also having to work late Wednesday and Thursday nights.

With me continuing to have episodes of my heart stopping and not being able to breathe, Thomas wanted me to not be alone. Perfect. Suzi could drop us off in Phoenix at the brain mapping doctor, we could have tests run and Jodi would pick us up and we could stay for a couple of days. I was excited for a mini vacation.

The brain mapping doctor ran similar tests on me as the one that threw me into seizures. I didn't feel as sick. I am not even sure if I was having as many small seizures as the previous week. However, the nausea and headache did return, which is an indicator of seizures. And, I had complete blanks in the testing where I had response. oops. Guess the seizures are still there according to the doctors interpretation).

We had fun talking to Jodi and her kids. I just absolutely relax and love being with my sister and my precious niece and nephews. I love watching the interaction between the cousins. We hung out at Jodi's house and I laid on Brooklyn's bed for hours, playing games with the boys while Jodi had a young women's activity in her backyard. (Fire and roasting smores and tin foil dinners in 110 degrees..no fun)

That night the struggle to breathe continued but I still felt better the next day. Boy is this new medication working. I even wanted to get out of the house for a little, which never happens. We took the kids to sonic for 1/2 price shakes...yum. Then we drove around to her church, her ward boundaries and different places she refers to, so that I will know what/who she is talking about). Afterwards we rested, but I actually felt good enough to head to Brooklyn's end of year softball party at Peter Piper Pizza with Jodi and the kids. Two car rides, in one day, and I was still functioning. I was in awe. And so very grateful.

Friday morning wasn't as good, the seizures continued. They had me confused and struggling to do much. We had a lazy morning and a relished each moment with my sister. I soaked in each moment of laughter of the kids. I got as many hugs as they would give out. I even lucked out and each one cuddled with me some.

On the way home, I was exhausted but happy. I loved my time away. Julie picked us up half way, and we stopped by my dad's on the way home. He had a party the night before and we scored his leftovers. 3 pizza, wings, ham, chips, cookies, cake, hummus, pita bread, bread and a bag with 10 pairs of shoes for Thomas and Hayden. Major score.

I walked in the house and collapsed. I was tired and exhausted but happy.

That night brought one seizure after the next. Lisa and Thomas talked while I just dealt with seizures. The seizures continued for three days. Constant. Steady. With very few breaks in between.

Summer's sure are rough on me. Whatever is happening to my body with the sun is taking its toll. I keep praying that we will some how and some way be able to find a way to cure the horrible effects of the sun. Until then, we will try to avoid it and deal with the repercussions when I do have to venture out into it.

All in all, it was a pleasant break and a much needed vacation with my sister. I love her and the joy she brings to my life.

Miracles continue

The next several days were filled with seizures and the unknowing of when the next one was going to take me out. Thomas was on high alert and our routines started to go back to what they were a while back. We were still trying to figure out whether it was the doctors office that had prompted this new wave of seizures or if the Arizona heat, me being out in it more with all these doctors appointments were to blame.

Saturday night was the worst. I had been having rolling and repeated seizures. I had fallen asleep in bed. Thomas was watching tv. I think he was trying to relax and wind down from the events of the day.

All of a sudden, I bolted straight up in bed, from a dead sleep. I gasped for air, and a slight scream came out. I looked over at Thomas to try and tell him that my heart felt like it was no longer beating and my airways had closed off. Unfortunately, words would not come. I lost consciousness before I could say anything.

Luckily, Thomas was awake and rushed by my side. He immediately gave my lifeless body a priesthood blessing to call down the healing powers of heaven, and our Father in Heaven.

Thomas has given me countless priesthood blessings throughout the years. He said that there have been a few that he will remember forever. The power behind those blessings were so strong and the words so distinct. The blessings nothing less than miraculous and the feelings, completely heaven sent. This is one of those that he said he will remember forever.

The Savior commanded my body to restart. It commanded airways to reopen. And my heart was commanded to again start beating and pumping blood throughout my body.

Again, I was the recipient of a life saving priesthood blessing.

I do not remember the blessing. I was out cold. I remember taking a deep breath, trying to force oxygen into my lungs right before I passed out.

The next thing I remember, is a strong burning sensation in my throat and an electric type shock to my heart. As I felt those, I gasped for air, and this time, my lungs filled as I coughed. The burn was strong. But, I was so grateful for my heart to start beating.

What normally is unnoticed, a beating heart, now was like a ticking clock. Each beat, each airway movement, all seemed to go at a much slower and pronounced speed. I felt each one. I knew that those breaths and those heartbeats should not have been. I know that my life was again spared by the only one with authority to do so, my Savior. I am also very aware of how blessed I am to have a husband that honors the priesthood. That my dear husband is willing to follow our Savior 100%. He tries in all he does to be perfectly obedient. He wants to know that when he calls upon the power of the priesthood and the power of God, that he is in every way worthy to receive that help he needs.

I am not saying that Thomas is perfect. He's not. He, like all of us, struggles and has his own unique set of challenges. What Thomas is, is obedient. He tries. Each day, he gets up, he does his best, he tries to be perfectly obedient. When he makes mistakes, he repents. He kneels down at night and asks his Father in Heaven for forgiveness. He asks for strength to be better tomorrow. He asks for help to do the things that are required of him. He asks for the Lord to guide him and help him to be better.

It is because of his willingness to repent and change, to try each day to be better than the day before, that our dear Savior stands with Thomas and I, each and every time that we call on him for help. 

Hayden, this does not mean that one day, if I am not supposed to stay on this earth, that dad or I did anything wrong. It simply means that my time is over. It means that you have gained enough strength and a strong enough testimony in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that you no longer need your mother here with you. Instead, you will have the reassurance that although I am gone, and I no longer walk this earth in my mortal body, my spirit will remain close by. I will be there in the moments that no one else can. I can bless you in ways that I cannot while in this mortal state. I will always be close. You are my boy, my son and my Bubba. You are my happiness, my joy and my smile. You are the sparkle in my eyes and you make me laugh. I love you and Dad with all of my heart. You are the best two gifts that I could have ever been given. I know how much my Savior loves me because he sent me you and Dad.

I will always be close. I will be the wind that brushes gently across your face. I will blow you kisses into the wind. I will be the little shiver you get when the sun in warm and there is no cold in sight. I will be the one who sings you to sleep. I will be in the breeze, in the air, in the home and wherever you may find yourself.

I will never be far. I will just be blessing your life in a way I could no longer do here. Remember my son, the Lord never takes anything away unless He has something better in store. There is always an open window. Sometimes it is just hidden.

I will be there when you marry the girl of your dreams. I will be in the temple with you. I will serve a mission with you, going before you and helping you to find those searching for the knowledge and message that you will bring them. I will be there as you hold each of your babies for the first time. It will be me that holds them extra long until you have to say, "Mooooommmmmm. My turn", like I had to do with my mom for you. I will be the one that your babies are smiling at and cooing at. I will be the one that protects you and your children from the fatal car accident, the one to ease the fall.

However, I will never ever take the place of our Savior. He is the only way  back, not me. I will always love you, but He is the only one that can save you. You are His. And as much as I love and adore you, my love is only a sliver of  His love. Because of the atonement, you will live again.

After my mom died, I remember kneeling down by my bed and praying and pleading with my Father in Heaven to just be able to talk to my mom for a few minutes. To ask her questions and to get direction. The times I begged for her to help me through life, she was distant. It wasn't because she didn't love me or want to help me. I needed to learn to depend on my Savior for direction and guidance, not my mom. Regardless of where I am, your Savior is always with you. Whether I pass on to the next life, or you are serving a mission far from me, or you find yourself at scout camp, far from a phone or the ability to come home, you always have your Savior. He is a prayer away. He sends the Holy Ghost to comfort you, to guide you, to inspire you to do or not do something, he loves you with a love that is only available by Him.

Oh Hayden, my joy, my life. I am the luckiest mom on earth that you were chosen to be my precious son. You have brought more happiness and true joy and purpose to my life. You have been the best gift, my greatest dream fulfilled and my reason to keep fighting each and every day to breathe. You are my smile and my happy place. You and your dad are my world. I have been so blessed. I have received so many incredible gifts from our Savior, but you and Dad, are my favorites.

I have loved my life. I have experienced so much. I have had ups and downs, sorrows and joys, frustrations and celebrations, and I have had a life that I love and cherish.

I pray that life will be good to you. Not easy but joyful. I pray you come to know for yourself that life isn't about sunshine and roses, play and the fun moments. Life is the journey. It is part 2 of a 3 part play. It is the place we come to prove to our Father in Heaven and Savior that when the plan was presented in the pre-existence and we chose the Savior, that we really meant it. This life is the time to prepare to meet God. It is the most important part of the plan, because what we do here, determines what we will spend the eternities doing. Popularity, success, money, houses, cars, fame, jobs.... all of those things are mortal and stay here. Focus on the things of eternity. Family, friends, relationships, our Savior, the gospel, the plan of salvation and service. These are eternal gifts that go beyond this life into the next.

I still pray that my time with you is long. That I will be allowed to stay here with you and Dad for a very long time. I promise you that I will try new things, continue to fight and continue to walk this road as long as my Savior and Father in Heaven allow me to. I believe my work here is not finished. There is more to learn, more to teach, more to experience and a longer time for me to prove to my Savior that I will never falter. I have not learned all that I came here to learn. But, I have learned enought hat I know where to turn to find peace and hope and strength. I know that nothing the world has to offer even comes close to what our Savior and the gospel of Jesus Christ have to offer. Stay strong, Hayden. Be the warrior that you were sent here to be. Stay true to the prinicples of the gospel that you have been taught. Remember the miracles. Remember the teachings. Remember our Savior.

I love you, my son. Now and forever. Always. To the moon and back. Love, Mom

And the plot keeps thickening

As I sat in the neurofeedback office on Friday, I felt apprehensive. Unsure. Testing to me always brings on a total anxiety attack. However, today was different. Part of me was calm, yet an unnerving feeling loomed. I slept the entire way to the dr. And woke up in horrific pain and struggling just to make if in the office. I filled out paperwork. Then I was taken back for and EEG and brin mapping. 

Electrodes were hooked to my head. I was told to stare at a dot and blink as little as possible for 8 minutes. Less than a minute into it, the test was paused, and the tech began to ask me questions. He knew my basic history. But he started asking just about seizures. How long? What those? Duration? How does my head look? Etc? 

He said that (paraphrasing, idea not exact info) three of the brain sections, Alpha, Delta, etc. were firing 50 times what they should, while one area was barely firing at all. He then added, "No wonder you are having so many complications."  We adjusted continually and tried to get the best feedback reading possible. 

When finished, I went back in with the doctor, where. Hayden had already begun testing. The doctor hooked me up to some additional wires and sat me in front of a computer. He told me to look at a dot, close my eyes and relax, just watching the waves come in and out of the beach. Two minutes into it, he kind of got frustrated with me. He said, "I'm not sure if that is the best you can because you are having more rapid eye movements than a four year old with ADHD."  

Hmmm. My eyes are radio moving when shut. How do I stop it? So I actually tried head on hands, holding eyeballs still, to actually pinching my eyeballs shut. The reading was supposed to be less than 3% movement. The lowest mine ever got was 28%. So that test was a bust. They couldn't contain an appropriate result due to excessive eye movement. 

So the dr moved me to another computer, still hooked with wires. This was to stare at a screen. Black screen with white dot in middle. Each time a white box is above the dot, click. Under, do nothing. Test lasted 2 minutes. Wow. What a relief that is over. I really wasn't feeling good. The doctor said, "great practice run. It will run for 27 minutes."  Twenty-seven minutes?  Are you kidding me? I don't feel good. 

I continued to try, while wiggling in my seat, patting my foot, doing all I could to stay with the program. I started getting sicker. Then the room was spinning. Then, the room started shutting down. Spinning. Nausea overtook me. I was in a full on panic attack it felt like. So incredibly sick. I finally called to the doctor, with all the strength I could muster. "Sick. Going to vomit."  

He rushed over, unhooked me and helped me while I stumbled and fell and tripped my way into the bathroom. Clumsily collapsing and knocking things off shelves while I tried grasping onto anything for support. After being sick and cold water on my head, I felt awful. I sat down and wanted to just collapse from exhaustion. 

At some point, three doctors were with me. Asking. Questions. Talking. 

They told me I had full blown epilepsy. During the first 8 minutes worth of testing, I had endured multiple seizures. While testing in back, many more seizures occurred. They said they needed to send my EEG and brain map to a specialist in Dallas. But from what they observed, I am having dozens to hundreds of seizures a day. 

My mind raced. I thought of how exhausted I am. I thought of all the times I drop a thought or can't hold my place in a book, forget my sentence, loose my place and just freeze. All of those are seizures. Wow. My mind raced with thoughts. 

Thomas was called as the doctor was terrified of what he had just witnessed. He said that in over 20 years in practice, he had never seen the number or severity or case of seizures as prominent as this. That I was in severe trouble. Thomas rushed to the office. Pleading with the Savior, the entire way that I would be ok. And figuring out how to get us to Dallas. 

When Thomas got there, I was doing. Better. Seizures were calming down. So he went in with. Hayden for his testing so that it wouldn't trigger any more seizures in me. 

The doctor sat and talked to me. He explained seizures. He explained medication and when appropriate etc. he said that hospitals and testing have deemed a certain point, that the side effects of seizure meds, were better than the damaged done by seizures. He said the tests are set to ignore all activity less than "need meds" amount. However, medicine is changing and they are retraining doctors to go with the new philosophy. Basically, many smaller seizures on a consistent basis can do just as much damage and frustration, as more severe, less often seizures. 

This doctor in Dallas. He is a leading research specialist in this area. After explaining there was no way for. Thomas and I to just pick up and fly to Texas. I need clearance for medical. Work. Hayden. Where to stay. Etc. etc.  instead, it was determined to send this doctor in Dallas all the results and see what he thinks. 

I was relieved and felt safe with Thomas with me. 

My mind flooded with this new found knowledge. Yet I hungered for more understanding, more help, more frustration.  

So, as the plot thickens.... We are praying for more enlightenment, more understanding, more answers, more help, and more healing. 

Answers come. Sometimes things must get worse before they get better. 

Regardless, I am thankful to know that my Savior stands at the head of my care. He protects me, intervenes and watches out for me. I am so grateful to be wrapped in His loving arms of  His care and protection. For my lifeguard walks in water. He can shield me from any storm and can rescue me from any fall. 

I walked into the doctor office hoping for relief and more answers and healing. I came out with more questions and a greater desire for help to overcome these seizures. This new road has just begun. 

 Stay tuned...

ADHD diagnosis

Most would look at that heading and think I was getting ready to discuss. Hayden or Brigham or any other child. I am in close proximity with that struggles with this childhood disease. 

On the contrary, I am talking about me. 

I honestly would have never guessed that I had ADHD. (I can only imagine the comments coming in right now from those I love)

How I came to understand this about myself starts months previously. 

Suzi called a couple of months ago regarding a new testing and treatment she had heard of and told me she thought Hayden would benefit greatly from it. That I should check it out. So I googled the neurofeedback and biofeedback questions. As I read the info, I immediately thought of Brigham and called Jodi. Sure enough, Brigham, Hayden and I are now all being seen by this doctor. 

As we researched more on this doctor, we came to find out what can be discovered thru the world of brain mapping and testing. These neurofeedback doctors are having phenomenal results with ADHD, Autism, Aspbergers and learning disabilities. As I spoke with the doctor, I also learned the remarkable success they are achieving with stroke victims. 

After much deliberation, answered prayers and a generous supporter,  Hayden and. I were seen by this doctor on Friday. 

By completing a brain map, the doctor can pinpoint and identify all things the brain is struggling with in its neurological system. It can pinpoint depression vs anxiety. Whether it is a garden variety anxiety or severe, autism vs. OCD vs ODD vs SPD vs ADHD and ADD. They can tell the type of depression and the medications that would be beneficial. Absolutely amazing. 

Up until this point with Hayden (and me), it is like we are playing spinning darts. I try to pick up a dart. I aim. I fire. Problem is... I am aiming to hit the bullseye, when in reality, it is the outer edge that is out of balance, not the core. 

I was so excited when I began to understand the possibilities. 

As we spoke with the doctor about Hayden, he asked very specific questions bpa out birth, constipation, sleep issues and more. With each question, he was nailing Hayden and all issues he deals with head on. He said that the medication used to keep Hayden alive at birth by bypassing the heart, was still in its system. Because if that, part of his brain is asleep or shut down. The connectors and receptors are not working in certain areas. They simply (not doing so) can be restarted. Oh the possibilities that entered my mind. I was ecstatic. 

So Hayden and I headed to this new neurofeedback doctor, bright and early on Friday morning. Ready to start our new adventure. Ready to begin. Excited about the possibilities and hopeful for an even brighter tomorrow. 

Let this new journey begin...keep posted. 

Davis Gang

My sweet little niece, Brooklyn, ended up sick. Really sick. Not breathing. Struggling for air. She ended up in ER. Poor girl. After breathing treatments and meds, she ended up in bed almost all week. By Thursday, she was sick enough that Jodi had to take her back to the doctor. Since her pediatrician is in Gilbert, we were lucky enough to get to see them. Jodi, Brooklyn and Talmage came over and spent the afternoon and evening.

After the doctor, Suzi, Jodi and I played cards while the kids played Minecraft and Thomas was in meetings. 

Jodi and Suzi had sympathy for me and let me win at Dummy Rummy. On 11's, Jodi even had to help rearrange my cards. I couldn't figure out a game that I once was amazing at. (Yes. It's true. I certainly schooled Suzi and Jodi in my day). Now, I can hardly concentrate enough to know what can go together. Rearranging after heading for a goal, was absolutely impossible. 

I don't say this for sympathy, but to document my journey. This illness has depleted me of so many things I love. But, when I start getting down on those little things, I am reminded of the bigger picture. As I handed my cards to Jodi, for her to help me figure out my hand, I was embarrassed. I felt like I was having to relearn to play. 

As I looked over at her, Suzi and Jodi didn't laugh or mock. The love in my sweet sister's eyes said it all. She doesn't love me or value me because I am or am not great at cards. In fact, she wouldn't care if I could never play a hand of cards again. She values me because I am her sister. Her friend. Suzi loves me for me. In fact, truth be known, they probably love that my card playing skills have diminished. All the better for them. (Just kidding). 

I loved being with Jodi and Suzi, doing something familiar. Doing something fun. Being together. Laughing. Talking. Sharing. Relishing in one another's company. And treasuring a very precious friendship and sisterly bond. 

As my sweet little Brooklyn left crushed because she wouldn't see us for a other week or so, I was touched. These sweet children, that I absolutely love and cherish, want to spend time with their bedridden aunt. They too, do not care my capacity for anything but to love them and to cherish them. 

Standing at the car,  Talmage said, "bye,  mom! I'm going to stay with Aunt Jer now. You can pick me up at the beach. When you get to the beach and get ready to leave to go back home, I will go with you then, because I want to go to Lake Powell." Until then, in his little mind, he was content to hang with me,Thomas and Hayden. 

Oh how I love my sister and her sweet family. I love Suzi. I'm so grateful for these two in my life. For the unconditional love and support and care that they continually pour upon my life. 

As I walked into my room and got ready for bed, my heart was filled with love. The feeling swept across my entire body. "See Jerlyn, I told you, you are enough. Who you are. In this circumstance. Incapable of doing very much. You are loved and cherished."  

I said a silent prayer of gratitude. To my Savior, for the lesson, for the gentle reminder, and a heart filled to overflowing with all the love I could hold. I smiled. And the beloved scripture, "thy cup runneth over" filled my mind. Yes. My cup definitely does run over. I have been blessed beyond measure. 

Applesauce

Hayden came and laid on the bed with two cups of applesauce. Max went crazy. He tried getting the container out of Hayden's hand. He was sitting on. Hayden. With each bite Hayden took, Max tried to eat the applesauce off of the spoon before Hayden could. We were dying laughing as we had never seen Max that way. Hayden thinking it was hilarious, gave him a bite. It was all down hill from there. Max was attacking the cup until Hayden finally gave him some in the bottom. Max licked that thing as best as he could until he saw Hayden open the second container. 

Max literally leaped in Hayden's lap leaving the cup of remaining applesauce licks available for Maya. Maya could get her entire face in the cup. We had to bathe her as she was covered in applesauce. Max would kiss Hayden and then try to eat the applesauce out of his mouth. So gross. But Hayden thought it was the funniest thing ever and laughed and laughed. 

Later that day, Hayden and Max played toys in true Hayden fashion! Tug of war between the mouth. Max won. Maya watched. Unsure what to think. Max then jumped on Hayden's lap and just started kissing him. He was reassuring his. Oh how great he is. 

I love watching. These three play together. They are so cute. 

Fishing

The amazing dads took the kids fishing to a stock pond. The kids absolutely loved it. 

Best of all, they all cleaned the fishes and we grilled them up for a delicious BBQ. Yummy! Nothing better than fresh grilled trout. Loved it. 

We ate good! Steak, fish, hot dogs, mashed potatoes, corn, watermelon, fruit and yummy deserts. Who says you can't eat like a king when camping. You definitely can when Troy and Thomas are in charge. 

Jodi and I stayed back with Talmage. We talked. We slept. We played with Talmage at the park. We had a great time. Much needed rest and relaxation. That's for sure. 

Pneumonia

Last week, I actually felt pretty good for me. Lisa made breakfast and had our family over for Sunday brunch and a game of Mexican Train before church. As I sat there we laughed and had a wonderful time. I thought how nice it feels to just feel normal. About noon, I told Thomas we needed to go. I thought I better take a quick nap before church. I was excited to be able to partake of the Sacrament and renew my covenants with my Father in Heaven. I wanted to feel the Spirit testify to me of the testify of this cherished gospel. 

I came home and crashed. Thomas woke me up and oh how I struggled to get out of bed. I felt weighted by bricks. Each breath and each movements was excruciatingly painful. However, I was determined to go. I kept thinking I could just push through it. After all, I had felt good only a few hours ago. 

I pushed and looked awful but went to church. During the Sacrament, I prayed for healing, help to breathe bad less exhaustion. Chills abounded, bricks lined my chest and I started to burn up. Luckily I had socks and a jacket in my purse. The talks could not end soon enough. 

I struggled to understand what people said to me. All a vague whirlwind as I tried to figure out what was happening to me. I told Thomas to hold onto me and get me home quickly. 

As Thomas helped me into bed, I told him something was terribly wrong. But how? Wasn't I fine just a few short hours ago? How could I possibly gotten sick so quickly? I crashed. Hard. When Thomas came back from church, there I was, still crashed. I couldn't even get to the couch. 

For the next two days, I lay in bed. Only bathroom breaks saw me leave the bed. I struggled for each and every breath. My fever raged. I felt downright awful. 

By Tuesday, I could hardly move. I knew I had to see a dr. But how could I walk out to the car and I to the dr office, much less get ready and get dressed. Thomas called his mom to come get me. She came in as I was still on my bed trying to will this body of mine to move. 

Somehow I managed to get up and brush my teeth. Not sure if anything else got done. I hobbled to the car and struggled for each breath. Of course, the dr needed more info. Feeling out paperwork was awful and energy zapping. I then made my way to the back office. Luckily, these drs know me and are so great for me. 

He listened to my lungs and panicked. "No movement whatsoever. Completely filled lungs. Pneumonia. Bronchitis. Sinus infection. No movement. Stagnant. Trouble. Hospital. Scared. Inflamed. Incredibly sick." I was trying to make sense of the jumbled words coming out of his mouth. 

He picked up his phone, ready to call an ambulance. I objected and gently reminded him of my dr do not admit order from Mayo. 

He gave me 24 hours before admitting me. He needed to hear some movement.  So he administered breathing treatments. Shots.  Antibiotic. Steroids. Cough syrup with codeine. 

The breathing treatment helped a little. Air movement. I struggled back to the car and Walgreens really wishing Thomas was home. Hurting. Miserable. Exhausted. 

I hit the bed and crashed. I don't remember much besides horrific pain, struggling to take a breath, and hurting for the next several days. I laid in bed and struggled and plead with my Father in. Heaven for relief. When I could no longer stand the pain, my Savior would have mercy in me and slumber would come. Although a majority of the time I just pushed thru. 

Poor Hayden. For days he raised himself until his dad got home. Luckily, he had a friend come over and the two played video games nonstop. I didn't care. I was grateful he was ok and having fun. 

It felt the pneumonia was winning. The medications were not working. I folded with defeated and admitted I needed to be hospitalized, as they had wanted to do days previously. Instead, my husband again placed his loving hands on my head. As he did, the coughing gently subsided. I took a breath and felt air fill my lungs. I nestled into my husband's loving hands and waited anxiously for the words of my Father in Heaven for guidance, strength, comfort and help. 

As always, I felt wrapped in my Savior's love. I knew I was. His beloved daughter. He knew me, jerkyn. Her knew my pain. He knew my struggle. He knew how hard this trial has been on me. He loved me. He believed in me. Most of all,  he was protecting me. Sending angels to buoy me up. Sending heavenly angels to administer unto me. And  he, as always, was protecting me and sparing my life. 

As hands were removed from my head, I found the inner strength, which was just strengthened by my Father in Heaven, my Heavenly Dad, so that I could continue to endure the illness within my body. 

Sleep came. I coughed but slept during it. The next days were rough and painful. I struggled to break the infection. I struggled to breathe. I laid in bed. I rested. I slept. I drank apple juice. I read. 

Healing has started to come. It's been almost two weeks. 

The illness will fade into the background. My body will move on to fight the next bug that attacks my weakened and almost non-existent immune system. I will forget that I ever had pneumonia. But I will never forget the way my Father in Heaven reminded me that he is my Dad. He loves me even more than my earthly father. He loves me more than I am capable of loving Hayden. I am. His precious daughter. He will not leave me nor forsake me. Of Him, I bear solemn witness. He lives. He loves us. And He knows each of us personally. 

As I learned again just recently, when we turn our problems to our Father in Heaven, we are ao blessed. Our loads are lightened and our will and determination strengthened. We can find rest from the storms in His loving arms. 

Judgement Day

I have learned to love the good of social media. I follow some amazing people, who create beautiful and inspirational quotes and pictures. Some make me smile, some bring joy, some hope, some laughter and some have a way of impacting my life and he long me to learn and grow.

As I came across this picture and quote the other day, it was life changing. 

I remember Jodi and I sitting and listening to Brad Wilcox speak at Time Out for Women, almost 5 years ago. I was struggling. My world had been shattered. I had just miscarried and realized that my days of conceiving and having another child were over. The hysterectomy had been complete. Jodi dragged me to help bring peace into my soul. I was hurting deeply, physically, emotionally and physically. 

I remember expressing to her on the way to the conference, that I was struggling with could I ever do enough to get myself to the Celestial Kingdom. Yes. I was giving my all. Trying to do my all. We had FHE, family prayer, scripture study, held callings, tried to love and serve others, giving my all to my husband and son and all others that I could. Yet. I felt it wasn't enough. My efforts didn't add up. And that I, Jerlyn, was not enough to stand in the presence of my Savior.  For I saw the ways I failed, my short comings, my impatient ways, my pride and my lacking. I wondered if I could ever do enough to get into the Celestial Kingdom and back with my loving Father in Heaven. 

Brad Wilcox stood to speak. He started talking on the atonement. It's true meaning and purpose and the purpose of this life. He then spoke the words that would ring true to me and keep me going for the years to come. Becoming His isn't about doing your way into Heaven. You will never be able to DO enough, because that would require your efforts to be enough. It is not embracing and accepting the atonement for what it truly is. You can't DO your way I to Heaven, you have to BECOME like Him. 

Great.... My expectations on myself for not doing enough, now requires me to become like my Savior. I had to be perfect. 100% of the time in a 100% of the situation. Here this is something that I desire with all of my heart, yet it is out of my reach. I was deflated. Defeated. And discouraged. 

I left wanting so much to become HIS and become like HIM, but still feeling the weight of that desire, as I cried on the way home to Jodi, uplifted and inspired, but still unsure of myself. 

Fast forward 5 years. I have had all the things that I thought made me a valuable daughter of God away. I could no longer be the mom or wife I once was. I could not cook, clean, drive, attend events, plan events, attend church, leave my home, be alone, or serve in any way. I couldn't help parents struggling with autism and special needs. I could no longer guest lecture for autism awareness.  I could no longer run Hayden's Toy Drive. I could not longer take care of my family or,work or grocery shop or run to get ice cream or pick up my sick son from school. I could no longer DO much of anything. 

Through these trials I have walked, I have come closer to my Savior and Father in Heaven than I could have ever thought possible. In having all I could DO taken away, I have learned to BECOME. 

I have become more patient, more long-suffering, more kind, more willing, more eager, more respectful, more compassionate, more soft, gained more strength, gained confidence, achieved more inner peace, turned more over to my Savior, and have tried to turn my will and life completely over to Him. 

And in doing so, I have come to understand the difference between doing and becoming. Doing is a checklist. It is a list I created of things I needed to do, so I could sit and list them to my Savior, to try and convince Him, that the good I did outweighed the bad. 

In becoming, it isn't a checklist but a way of life. "If ye love me, keep my commandments". 

By becoming, all actions testify of HIM. By becoming, I will follow the commandments because I have come to know they bring happiness. By becoming, I choose a way of life. A life filled with gratitude and hope, thanksgiving and praise, quiet service, acts of love, more meaningful prayers and a more willing heart. 

Becoming means changing my life and my will to match that with my loving and all knowing Father in Heaven's will, instead of my mortal will. 

In the end, I have come to believe that Judgement Day will not be a scale, as I had once imagined. Praying and hoping that the good I did outweighed the bad. Instead, I believe it will be simple. Very simple. 

In fact, only one question may be required. 

"Did you love me?"

The Savior, with His loving and caring and compassionate eyes, will look deep into my eyes and into my soul and say, "Jerlyn, my daughter, did you love at me?" 

As I fall at my Savior's feet, I will weep, I will shed tears of joy, as I am able to answer, truthfully and faithfully, "Yes my Lord, I love Thee."  I will then add, "I love Thee with all of my heart, might, mind and strength. I have tried to live my life in accordance with Thy gospel, Thy teachings and Thy commandments. I have tried to love my neighbor, and my family, and all those you sent on my path. I tried to be a window to your love. Most of all, my Savior, I do love Thee."

The next scene in my mind is my favorite, my Savior, takes my hand. He gently lifts me up. He wraps His loving arms around me, that I have felt so many times here, and we will embrace. Tears will flow freely as He replies, "I know you love me. Well done thy good and faithful servant. Come home and find rest with me and my Father in His kingdom." 

Oh how time changes things. Five years ago, I pictures Judgement Day as a big scale, filled with the good and bad, right and wrong, praying the scale would tip in my favor. Today, I see Judgement Day as a personal priesthood interview with my Savior. Where we sit and talk and I am able to bask in His love and gentleness and peace. A time I look forward to with great anticipation and joy. Not because of my doings or myself, but because my Savior, my Judge, my Jury, knows and loves me. 

Becoming has been the greatest gift in my life. This journey I walk, is long and tiring and takes all I have. But I wouldn't change the experiences I have had for the world. For this journey. This walk. This path has lead me home, to my Savior. It has taught me to see things differently. It taught me the true purpose of this life. If we "Become like Him", nothing else is required. If we can honestly answer, as Peter did, "Yea Lord, I love at Thee." And when our eyes shall meet, I will know He knows the truest desires of my heart, my intentions and my thoughts. He will know that I most certainly and with all of my heart love Him.