The next several days were filled with seizures and the unknowing of when the next one was going to take me out. Thomas was on high alert and our routines started to go back to what they were a while back. We were still trying to figure out whether it was the doctors office that had prompted this new wave of seizures or if the Arizona heat, me being out in it more with all these doctors appointments were to blame.
Saturday night was the worst. I had been having rolling and repeated seizures. I had fallen asleep in bed. Thomas was watching tv. I think he was trying to relax and wind down from the events of the day.
All of a sudden, I bolted straight up in bed, from a dead sleep. I gasped for air, and a slight scream came out. I looked over at Thomas to try and tell him that my heart felt like it was no longer beating and my airways had closed off. Unfortunately, words would not come. I lost consciousness before I could say anything.
Luckily, Thomas was awake and rushed by my side. He immediately gave my lifeless body a priesthood blessing to call down the healing powers of heaven, and our Father in Heaven.
Thomas has given me countless priesthood blessings throughout the years. He said that there have been a few that he will remember forever. The power behind those blessings were so strong and the words so distinct. The blessings nothing less than miraculous and the feelings, completely heaven sent. This is one of those that he said he will remember forever.
The Savior commanded my body to restart. It commanded airways to reopen. And my heart was commanded to again start beating and pumping blood throughout my body.
Again, I was the recipient of a life saving priesthood blessing.
I do not remember the blessing. I was out cold. I remember taking a deep breath, trying to force oxygen into my lungs right before I passed out.
The next thing I remember, is a strong burning sensation in my throat and an electric type shock to my heart. As I felt those, I gasped for air, and this time, my lungs filled as I coughed. The burn was strong. But, I was so grateful for my heart to start beating.
What normally is unnoticed, a beating heart, now was like a ticking clock. Each beat, each airway movement, all seemed to go at a much slower and pronounced speed. I felt each one. I knew that those breaths and those heartbeats should not have been. I know that my life was again spared by the only one with authority to do so, my Savior. I am also very aware of how blessed I am to have a husband that honors the priesthood. That my dear husband is willing to follow our Savior 100%. He tries in all he does to be perfectly obedient. He wants to know that when he calls upon the power of the priesthood and the power of God, that he is in every way worthy to receive that help he needs.
I am not saying that Thomas is perfect. He's not. He, like all of us, struggles and has his own unique set of challenges. What Thomas is, is obedient. He tries. Each day, he gets up, he does his best, he tries to be perfectly obedient. When he makes mistakes, he repents. He kneels down at night and asks his Father in Heaven for forgiveness. He asks for strength to be better tomorrow. He asks for help to do the things that are required of him. He asks for the Lord to guide him and help him to be better.
It is because of his willingness to repent and change, to try each day to be better than the day before, that our dear Savior stands with Thomas and I, each and every time that we call on him for help.
Hayden, this does not mean that one day, if I am not supposed to stay on this earth, that dad or I did anything wrong. It simply means that my time is over. It means that you have gained enough strength and a strong enough testimony in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that you no longer need your mother here with you. Instead, you will have the reassurance that although I am gone, and I no longer walk this earth in my mortal body, my spirit will remain close by. I will be there in the moments that no one else can. I can bless you in ways that I cannot while in this mortal state. I will always be close. You are my boy, my son and my Bubba. You are my happiness, my joy and my smile. You are the sparkle in my eyes and you make me laugh. I love you and Dad with all of my heart. You are the best two gifts that I could have ever been given. I know how much my Savior loves me because he sent me you and Dad.
I will always be close. I will be the wind that brushes gently across your face. I will blow you kisses into the wind. I will be the little shiver you get when the sun in warm and there is no cold in sight. I will be the one who sings you to sleep. I will be in the breeze, in the air, in the home and wherever you may find yourself.
I will never be far. I will just be blessing your life in a way I could no longer do here. Remember my son, the Lord never takes anything away unless He has something better in store. There is always an open window. Sometimes it is just hidden.
I will be there when you marry the girl of your dreams. I will be in the temple with you. I will serve a mission with you, going before you and helping you to find those searching for the knowledge and message that you will bring them. I will be there as you hold each of your babies for the first time. It will be me that holds them extra long until you have to say, "Mooooommmmmm. My turn", like I had to do with my mom for you. I will be the one that your babies are smiling at and cooing at. I will be the one that protects you and your children from the fatal car accident, the one to ease the fall.
However, I will never ever take the place of our Savior. He is the only way back, not me. I will always love you, but He is the only one that can save you. You are His. And as much as I love and adore you, my love is only a sliver of His love. Because of the atonement, you will live again.
After my mom died, I remember kneeling down by my bed and praying and pleading with my Father in Heaven to just be able to talk to my mom for a few minutes. To ask her questions and to get direction. The times I begged for her to help me through life, she was distant. It wasn't because she didn't love me or want to help me. I needed to learn to depend on my Savior for direction and guidance, not my mom. Regardless of where I am, your Savior is always with you. Whether I pass on to the next life, or you are serving a mission far from me, or you find yourself at scout camp, far from a phone or the ability to come home, you always have your Savior. He is a prayer away. He sends the Holy Ghost to comfort you, to guide you, to inspire you to do or not do something, he loves you with a love that is only available by Him.
Oh Hayden, my joy, my life. I am the luckiest mom on earth that you were chosen to be my precious son. You have brought more happiness and true joy and purpose to my life. You have been the best gift, my greatest dream fulfilled and my reason to keep fighting each and every day to breathe. You are my smile and my happy place. You and your dad are my world. I have been so blessed. I have received so many incredible gifts from our Savior, but you and Dad, are my favorites.
I have loved my life. I have experienced so much. I have had ups and downs, sorrows and joys, frustrations and celebrations, and I have had a life that I love and cherish.
I pray that life will be good to you. Not easy but joyful. I pray you come to know for yourself that life isn't about sunshine and roses, play and the fun moments. Life is the journey. It is part 2 of a 3 part play. It is the place we come to prove to our Father in Heaven and Savior that when the plan was presented in the pre-existence and we chose the Savior, that we really meant it. This life is the time to prepare to meet God. It is the most important part of the plan, because what we do here, determines what we will spend the eternities doing. Popularity, success, money, houses, cars, fame, jobs.... all of those things are mortal and stay here. Focus on the things of eternity. Family, friends, relationships, our Savior, the gospel, the plan of salvation and service. These are eternal gifts that go beyond this life into the next.
I still pray that my time with you is long. That I will be allowed to stay here with you and Dad for a very long time. I promise you that I will try new things, continue to fight and continue to walk this road as long as my Savior and Father in Heaven allow me to. I believe my work here is not finished. There is more to learn, more to teach, more to experience and a longer time for me to prove to my Savior that I will never falter. I have not learned all that I came here to learn. But, I have learned enought hat I know where to turn to find peace and hope and strength. I know that nothing the world has to offer even comes close to what our Savior and the gospel of Jesus Christ have to offer. Stay strong, Hayden. Be the warrior that you were sent here to be. Stay true to the prinicples of the gospel that you have been taught. Remember the miracles. Remember the teachings. Remember our Savior.
I love you, my son. Now and forever. Always. To the moon and back. Love, Mom
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