As I came across this picture and quote the other day, it was life changing.
I remember Jodi and I sitting and listening to Brad Wilcox speak at Time Out for Women, almost 5 years ago. I was struggling. My world had been shattered. I had just miscarried and realized that my days of conceiving and having another child were over. The hysterectomy had been complete. Jodi dragged me to help bring peace into my soul. I was hurting deeply, physically, emotionally and physically.
I remember expressing to her on the way to the conference, that I was struggling with could I ever do enough to get myself to the Celestial Kingdom. Yes. I was giving my all. Trying to do my all. We had FHE, family prayer, scripture study, held callings, tried to love and serve others, giving my all to my husband and son and all others that I could. Yet. I felt it wasn't enough. My efforts didn't add up. And that I, Jerlyn, was not enough to stand in the presence of my Savior. For I saw the ways I failed, my short comings, my impatient ways, my pride and my lacking. I wondered if I could ever do enough to get into the Celestial Kingdom and back with my loving Father in Heaven.
Brad Wilcox stood to speak. He started talking on the atonement. It's true meaning and purpose and the purpose of this life. He then spoke the words that would ring true to me and keep me going for the years to come. Becoming His isn't about doing your way into Heaven. You will never be able to DO enough, because that would require your efforts to be enough. It is not embracing and accepting the atonement for what it truly is. You can't DO your way I to Heaven, you have to BECOME like Him.
Great.... My expectations on myself for not doing enough, now requires me to become like my Savior. I had to be perfect. 100% of the time in a 100% of the situation. Here this is something that I desire with all of my heart, yet it is out of my reach. I was deflated. Defeated. And discouraged.
I left wanting so much to become HIS and become like HIM, but still feeling the weight of that desire, as I cried on the way home to Jodi, uplifted and inspired, but still unsure of myself.
Fast forward 5 years. I have had all the things that I thought made me a valuable daughter of God away. I could no longer be the mom or wife I once was. I could not cook, clean, drive, attend events, plan events, attend church, leave my home, be alone, or serve in any way. I couldn't help parents struggling with autism and special needs. I could no longer guest lecture for autism awareness. I could no longer run Hayden's Toy Drive. I could not longer take care of my family or,work or grocery shop or run to get ice cream or pick up my sick son from school. I could no longer DO much of anything.
Through these trials I have walked, I have come closer to my Savior and Father in Heaven than I could have ever thought possible. In having all I could DO taken away, I have learned to BECOME.
I have become more patient, more long-suffering, more kind, more willing, more eager, more respectful, more compassionate, more soft, gained more strength, gained confidence, achieved more inner peace, turned more over to my Savior, and have tried to turn my will and life completely over to Him.
And in doing so, I have come to understand the difference between doing and becoming. Doing is a checklist. It is a list I created of things I needed to do, so I could sit and list them to my Savior, to try and convince Him, that the good I did outweighed the bad.
In becoming, it isn't a checklist but a way of life. "If ye love me, keep my commandments".
By becoming, all actions testify of HIM. By becoming, I will follow the commandments because I have come to know they bring happiness. By becoming, I choose a way of life. A life filled with gratitude and hope, thanksgiving and praise, quiet service, acts of love, more meaningful prayers and a more willing heart.
Becoming means changing my life and my will to match that with my loving and all knowing Father in Heaven's will, instead of my mortal will.
In the end, I have come to believe that Judgement Day will not be a scale, as I had once imagined. Praying and hoping that the good I did outweighed the bad. Instead, I believe it will be simple. Very simple.
In fact, only one question may be required.
"Did you love me?"
The Savior, with His loving and caring and compassionate eyes, will look deep into my eyes and into my soul and say, "Jerlyn, my daughter, did you love at me?"
As I fall at my Savior's feet, I will weep, I will shed tears of joy, as I am able to answer, truthfully and faithfully, "Yes my Lord, I love Thee." I will then add, "I love Thee with all of my heart, might, mind and strength. I have tried to live my life in accordance with Thy gospel, Thy teachings and Thy commandments. I have tried to love my neighbor, and my family, and all those you sent on my path. I tried to be a window to your love. Most of all, my Savior, I do love Thee."
The next scene in my mind is my favorite, my Savior, takes my hand. He gently lifts me up. He wraps His loving arms around me, that I have felt so many times here, and we will embrace. Tears will flow freely as He replies, "I know you love me. Well done thy good and faithful servant. Come home and find rest with me and my Father in His kingdom."
Oh how time changes things. Five years ago, I pictures Judgement Day as a big scale, filled with the good and bad, right and wrong, praying the scale would tip in my favor. Today, I see Judgement Day as a personal priesthood interview with my Savior. Where we sit and talk and I am able to bask in His love and gentleness and peace. A time I look forward to with great anticipation and joy. Not because of my doings or myself, but because my Savior, my Judge, my Jury, knows and loves me.
Becoming has been the greatest gift in my life. This journey I walk, is long and tiring and takes all I have. But I wouldn't change the experiences I have had for the world. For this journey. This walk. This path has lead me home, to my Savior. It has taught me to see things differently. It taught me the true purpose of this life. If we "Become like Him", nothing else is required. If we can honestly answer, as Peter did, "Yea Lord, I love at Thee." And when our eyes shall meet, I will know He knows the truest desires of my heart, my intentions and my thoughts. He will know that I most certainly and with all of my heart love Him.
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