Monday, February 24, 2014

Face plant

After filling out the disability paperwork, I have been more aware of my daily routine, struggles and obstacles. 

I was again determined to beat this. I've never let anything I really wanted be lessened by things like obstacles, challenges and limitations. I've learned to work around them. I thought I would try some different techniques and again figure out how to push the limits. 

Hmmm. What I discovered is why I am cautious. Why I move the way I do. Why I slowly move from laying to sitting then sitting to standing then standing to moving. Each of this is a distinct command to the brain. Not something done without thinking. But a verbal command to do each thing. Lift right foot. Now left. Balance. Lift. Put foot down. Now the other. Bending requires me to balance. Stay still. Slowly bend down. Balance. More. Balance again. Pick up what I need. Then slowly return to standing position. Stay still. Let my body and brain and equilibrium catch up. Then command it to move again. 

So it didn't work too well when I forgot to pause before moving. And tried to command my body to do all of these movements together in one simultaneous movement. Legs collapsed. Vision blurred. Equilibrium gave out. And down I went. Face plant of epic proportion. 

Wow. Didn't see or anticipate that. After regaining my composure on the ground. I slowly crawled to the bed where I tried to pull myself back up. Exhausted. I collapsed back into bed. I am not one to give up easily. Regain composure. Try again. 

This time with a weaker body, the collapse came as soon as my body realized what I was trying to do. This time, trying to pull myself back into bed caused full body sweats. Great. Now my body doesn't want to even move. 

Instead of frustration, I decided to go back to how I work with my body. Went back to the very slow movement and one command at a time. And balanced a little better. 

However, ever since, my balance is off. I continue to walk into walls. I swear my eyes and body are not working together as I think I am clearly in the hall or door opening and I smack into the wall or door. 

To begin walking is taking more effort than it has in months. I have has more crashes. More collapsing. More walking into things. More days of inability to pull myself up than I have has since before we moved. 

Where last week, I wanted a smoother transition, longed for easier movements and quicker response times from my limbs, brain and systems. Today, I just want to be back where I was two weeks ago. I guess it is all relative. It could always be worse. Yes. It could be better. But I have learned to be grateful for what is, what I can do and what abilities I do have. 

So I am back to trying to figure out how to retrain my body to be slow. Steady. Accurate. Precise. For after all, this life is long. It isn't a sprint but a marathon. It isn't what can be accomplished in an hour or day but what one can learn, understand and become in a lifetime. 

I am grateful for the ways that The Lord teaches me. He shows me what I need to know. He teaches me to be grateful for what I have, what I can do and the abilities I do have versus focusing on my disabilities, shortcomings and weaknesses. After all, it is in my weakness that I have drawn even closer to my Savior. I have learned that my best is enough. Whether I can walk a marathon or I am lucky enough to just make it to my bed, my all is all he requires. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

I'm grateful for his teachings and his perfect love and gentleness with me. He really does make our weaknesses become our strengths. And gently teaches us in a way we can understand. 

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