Why is it that I must continue to learn these lessons over and over? Why is it that some days the trials of this earth life see, heavier than we can possibly bear? And why must this road we walk called life, have so many bumps and steep mountains to climb?
As I have faced insurmountable health issues, the "bad" news continues to pour down upon us. Before we can even face one obstacle or even have time to get our heads around what the latest doctor is diagnosing, we are blindsided by another.
Hope. Hope is something that usually is relatively easy for me to find. It is born out of being the recipient of so many tender mercies from our dear Savior. Hope comes from knowing that even though it feels like I am trapped in a room without doors or windows that somehow my Savior always pulls me out.
This past week, not only was I sealed in this room with no escape routes but the room was on fire and I was actually being burned. Part of me prayed the flames would continue to engulf me and let me take in my,last breath and give up this fight. How easy would it be for me to slip through this life and find complete comfort and peace in the next.
Maybe if I didn't know what was in store in the next life, I may have felt a greater desire or need to cling to this life. But I am oh so tired and in so much excruciating pain and the prognosis is growing dimmer and the health conditions continue to mount. If it weren't for those I love so dearly, I would gladly let go and release my spirit back to the presence of my Savior and my loving Father in Heaven. Oh to be by their side again. Oh to be in their embrace. Oh to hear the words I long to hear, " well done thou good and faithful servant. Well done!" To be released from the pain and heartache and misery, what a gift.
But then I know that what I truly desire is more time. More time to stand by my dear husband and be protected by him. More time to talk and laugh and cry. More time to tuck my teenage son into bed. More time to teach him that Christ and his gospel are all that truly matters. More time to watch him become a disciple of Christ. More time to laugh with him. More time to be a mom, his mom. More time to be a sister and daughter and friend. More time to love my loved ones. More time to cherish them. I pray daily for more time.
This morning was so hard. I had been pleading with my Savior to be able to go to church. To attend sacrament meeting and commune with my Savior. To be able to feel my Savior's love in a ward family, together with the spirit of our Lord testifying to my heart, as well as others of the divinity of our Savior, Jesus Christ. To feel the companionship the gospel brings. I begged. I pleaded.
However, today, I could not get my feet to walk. Thomas helped me out of bed. He held me tight as I tried to lift my legs to take steps to the bathroom. Tears fell as the pain was so intense, I questioned whether or not I must keep walking. As Thomas helped lift me back into bed, the tears fell freely. The hope of goon and the pleadings of my heart would not be realized today. I knew that the task was beyond my ability. Instead I prayed. I pleaded. For Hope. For understanding. For strength. For peace.
I closed my eyes and prayed. "Father, do you hear me? Do you know my desire to go to church today is so strong? I am asking for a worthwhile request, to worship you. To feel the belonging that worshiping together brings. I want to do what is right. I want to keep thy commandments. I desire to do all I can to draw closer to Thee. Please help me. Please give me the strength and ability to go to church. Please."
Silence fell. I felt still and calm. I knew that today would not bring the miracle I was so pleading for. The hoping and pleading would have to be for another day. Today. I was to be still.
My prayer changed. "Father, am I doing enough? Am I enough? Does thou know that my heart desires to be with Thee? To worship Thee? To do thy will? Although I feel I am doing my best, what can I change to do differently? Do I need more faith and then u could go today? Does Thou know that what I desire most is to please Thee?"
Peace encircled me. Love enfolded me. I was swept up and wrapped in the arms of my loving Savior. He held me tight for a very long time. He reassured me that my offering was enough. It may only be the widow's mite but it is enough. My sincere desire to partake of the sacrament and worship Him was all he required. My hearts sincere desire to follow my Savior was all he required of me. He understood. He reassured me. He held me so tight. He allowed my tender heart to break. He put he pieces back together. He assured me that I am enough.
As I relished in this beautiful moment, I asked him how I could continue this fight. He assured me that I am not alone. he sends angels, both heavenly and earthly to help me beat my burdens. He sends peace when peace cannot be found. He sends his love.
While I knew that the days and weeks ahead would try to shred me, I was reassured that I do not walk alone. With his loving arms around me, he whispered peace to my heart and mind. I no longer felt I would crumble under this trial but that with him and only with him, I could endure. Most of all, I held tight to my Savior. I begged for him to continue to walk me through the upcoming days and to not leave ,u side. He hugged me. He wrapped me in his love.
As I write these words, I am assured he will be with me. I am reminded that I am his. I am at peace. I feel wrapped in a blanket of love. I don't know what the future holds. All I know is my faith and help relies on him, my Redeemer. And although this week requires me to do the impossible, it is only impossible for me. My Savior is capable and can accomplish all. I'm turning this load to him. I can no longer bear it. It has become too heavy. Instead. I am giving it completely to him. My life. My hopes. My dreams. The outcome. The pain. The tolerance. It all. And I feel at peace knowing He can handle it and it will all turn out OK.
I know that my Redeemer lives. What comfort this sweet sentence gives. He lives. He lives who once was dead. He lives. He lives to grant me daily breath. He lives to comfort me when faint. He lives to hear my souls complaint. He lives and while he lives I'll sing. He lives my mansion to prepare. He lives to bring me safely there.
Of this I testify. My Savior, my Redeemer, the babe that was born in Bethlehem, has risen and He Lives! This is the good new of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love my Savior. He is aware of each of us. The trials we face. The heartache we endure. And he stands waiting to help if only we will invite him in.
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