Trials come. One by one we face them. They bring us, especially me, to our knees. They help to shape our will and desires with the will of our Savior.
I have learned to endure many of the trials that have been placed in my path to refine me. I have been accustomed to what I once would have considered incomprehensible pain. I have learned to endure the loss of my independence and acknowledge that I am reliant on others for everything I need. I am unable to drive or walk to doctors and grocery stores, and rely on others for help obtaining our basic needs. I have had to learn to ask for help and realize there are very few things I can do on my own. Being a fiercely independent person, this complete dependence on others has been a struggle and long coming realization of my own inability to provide the very basics for me and my family. I have learned to pinch pennies in ways I would have never thought possible. I have learned and sacrificed and more clearly understand need vs. want. I have had to give up many motherly duties and acknowledge that I cannot do it alone and require help and assistance from others. I have come to understand the principle of exchange. Giving up one thing at the cost of another. I do not have endless energy. Everything I do from shaving my legs to bending to pick something off the floor to sitting with my feet on the ground has consequences and trade offs. Life has become a game of trade offs and considering of how I carefully and calculated spend every once of energy I have been given.
All of those things are just apart of my daily life. The hand picked select set of trials that should ultimately prepare me to meet my Savior. And although it is a struggle, most days, I endure well and am grateful for what I do have and do not rely on my inabilities and limitations but kneel down in gratitude that I still have the ability to do some things, no matter their limitations.
Then come along weeks and months that feel as if all the forces of Heaven and earth have been unleashed against me. I feel the torment of doubt and fear and of questioning and hopelessness. I feel as if all the powers of the adversary have been unleashed against me and my safety shield has been compromised. I am currently in a battle so deep and the stakes so high, that although it is taking my all and effort and strength beyond what I can muster, I know quitting isn't an option, and it feels enduring is asking me to walk on water.
I pulled out my week and listed all I needed to accomplish. I became more and more overwhelmed as I wrote my list. "Follow up with Hayden's cardiologist. Find out what steps need to be taken to resolve his issues and what type surgical / medical intervention needs to take place. Call the ADHD clinic for reevaluation and progress on Hayden. Meet with Dr. Contact dentist on cracked tooth. Contact oral surgeon to remove tooth/bone/gum on infected and abscessed tooth. Contact Mayo clinic for a reevaluation and complete comprehensive exam for disability case. Contact bankruptcy attorney to stop wage garnishments. Meet with Eagle Scout advisor to obtain Hayden's list of must do's before 13th birthday. Plan Hayden's 13th birthday with zero funds. Find items within home to sell for cash to pay for surgical needs."
And the list goes on.
While trying to somehow drag this body, fighting horrific infections, out of bed to even be able to start to knocking off items on my ever not so fun list, and seeking help to accomplish these tasks, a friend expressed her disdain of my life and needs and expressed that I just exaggerate and am choosing this life. I felt stomach punched. Because of the endless list of trials we are currently facing, in which very few areas of our life are immune to serious challenges, this comment stopped me in my tracks and made me question everything about myself. I broke down. Literally.
Yesterday was filled with river of tears that no dam could possibly contain. My heart was broken. My will was broken. My ability to see my hand in the midst of the darkness was impossible. With each passing hour, the trials and tests we were to endure surmounted. Things I thought were resolved unraveled. Criticism and judgement came at every turn. When I so badly needed those around me to reach down and lift me up, I felt kicked instead.
We all have days like this. None of us are immune. I get it. But it is these days, I believe, that define us. When we stand alone against the winds beating against us and it feels like the raging storm will be the death of us, we learn who we are.
I am grateful for all those that gathered their swords yesterday and surrounded me. My dear husband, my sister, Suzi and Julie all came to my side. My sweet son sat in the bed with me and tried to comfort me as he said he had never seen me cry so hard as I did yesterday. Then my sweet brother spent over two hours on the phone with me, going over each medical decision needing to be made. He looked at X-rays and diagnosis. He spent time researching and trying to more clearly understand. He showed compassion and a willingness to help me come to a resolution I would have never figured out on my own.
Life throws curves. It knocks us to our knees. It makes us question our desire and ability to keep going. We see ourselves as the stripped down soul, full of flaws and weaknesses, mortal and unyielding trials to be faced. When there are no more tears to cry as each one has been shed. There is nothing left. We stand stripped of all ungodliness before our Maker. With complete humility and willingness to do whatever it takes to just feel ok again. Willing to submit completely and utterly to our Savior's will as we realize how He is the only way to redemption and a whole ness again.
I am so very tired. I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted and drained. I have been stripped of any pride or pretense. I feel my complete nothingness. I admit my complete and utter dependence on my Savior for my every need. Without His intervention. Without His love and goodness. I am nothing.
Oh how I so do not enjoy one moment in the refiners fire. But I do realize that my Savior loves me enough to be willing to put me through it in order to mold me into His. I pray for the strength to walk what is required of me. I pray I will be strong enough to mold and be refined instead of breaking and being discarded. I know if I put my trust in my Savior, I cannot fail. There are no other options, I must walk this path. No matter the trials that lie ahead, my only option is to continue to give my all and move forward trusting that the days I fall down, my precious Savior will lift me and send legions of angels both earthly and heavenly to administer unto me and help me to continue this journey. And although I feel utterly alone, I know none of us truly walk alone. "It was in those moments, when you see one set of footprints that I carried you." I know that although I feel broken, and life feels completely stormy, my Savior is not leaving me. He walks this difficult journey with me and places those in my path to strengthen and uplift me. I just pray that I can endure until the storm clears and I can again clearly see that my Savior was only out of sight because I was safely and securely in His arms.
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