When the words, "there are no more big miracles coming. If you choose to stay, you will do so in a disease ridden and disable body. I will not be allowed to step in and work miracles for you. This is your choice."
So many thoughts crossed my mind but the most prevalent was, "how do I live without the life sustaining miracles that are given to me every time I am given a priesthood blessing?" Because of this line, more than any other, I was convinced I could not stay on this earth any longer. Why? Because I clearly understood the daily reliance I have on my Savior physically and spiritually. Without miracles daily, there would be no way for me to sustain life.
For weeks and months I struggled to understand. Especially when at every turn, there have been and continue to be miracles.
From the first night, just moments after hands were taken off my head, miracles have occurred. And to me, they have been huge miracles because I understand the reality without them occurring. Right after that first blessing, my lungs opened and I could breathe. Once again, air was circulating in my lungs. A miracle.
As the days went on and doctor appointments came up and other illnesses prevailed, again, worthy priesthood holders laid their hands on my head and miracles were wrought. Every time, I was in awe. Not because I don't believe in miracles but because I was told they were no longer coming.
Days, weeks and months have passed since that blessing. As The Lord has enlightened my mind and understanding, here and little and there a little, I have a clearer understanding of what he mean when the words were spoken, there are no more miracles coming.
At that moment, I was searching frantically for healing. I was looking at treatments in Mexico and inEuropee and new doctors and struggling to figure out which path to take. The Savior was telling me that healing, complete healing will never come in this life. As long as I chose to live, struggling and pain and fighting for my life each and every day will be my reality and constant battle. There will not be relief as in complete healing. I will never experience a day where I don't fight to live and struggle to do the most basic of tasks. I will always deal with health issues and concerns and live only,by the grace and goodness of God.
What my understanding now gets that it didn't then is that my Savior would never leave me nor forsake me. He loves me just as much or more than before that blessing. I think because I was expecting to have to walk this journey alone, I am even that much more in awe of His goodness and mercy and grace. To me, each day that I survive, I as miracle. Each time my dear husband lays his hands on my head and gives me a priesthood blessing, I experience a miracle. Each time they look and feel different. Some miracles may come in the form of a blanket of peace assuring me I am not alone. Other miracles come in the form of temporary strength to go on an outing I so desire. Others come in forms of just being able to endure the excrutiating pain and surviving another night. Some days the miracles come in the disguise of loved ones calling, texting, showing up or giving me that extra push to keep going.
All I do know that since I quit expecting miracles, they can't seem to be held back. My Savior is so kind and loving. He eases the pain, he helps me to breathe, he releases infections from my body, he strengthens me, he enlightens me, he teaches me, he encourages me, he wraps me in his peace and he send family and friends and complete strangers to miraculously ease my burdens.
This morning, as the pain last night was beyond bearable and the day ahead held challenges and events that without help, I could never accomplish, my dear husband laid his hands on my head. He offered up a prayer of thanksgiving and goodness to our Savior. We praised him. We thanked him. And again, my Savior, lovingly sent us a loving miracle. The intense pain in my jaw began to subside. The frustrations and feelings of giving up subsided and see replaced with love and hope and peace. A blanket of love enveloped me. I knew that I was not alone. I knew beyond a doubt that my Savior was in this room with me. He sent the Comforter to wrap me in His love.
I was made promises that as I deal,with today's hardships and trials that I would,not walk them alone. The dentist was blessed that he would work quickly, safely and efficiently. And would have the ability to ease my pain. The frantic feelings of anxiety melted away. I felt so loved.
My circumstances didn't change. I still must go to the dentist and endure pain. I still have to walk the road of stodgy without any sleep. I have to emdure the pain that comes with my illness. I will be required to give my all. Bit, because of my Savior and his miracles, my efforts will be enough. Because of him, he will step in and provide where I fail. He will make up the difference in all areas of my life. He will send help and there will be miracles.
Are miracles alive today? My answer is yes. I testify that they exist and are freely given by our Savior. I testify of the divinity of our Lord and a Savior Jesus Christ and in his ability to work miracles today, just as he did when he walked this earth. I testify of a loving Holy Ghost that envelopes us in his love. He wraps us in a blanket of peace and warmth just like our favorite blanket on a cold winter's night. He helps calm us to ride the storm. I know that my loving Father in Heaven, my God, knows my,name and my,circumstances. And although I am not close to perfect, He loves me. I am humbled that these three being so powerful and having so many responsibilities would take the time for me. Just me.
I add my,testimony. Miracles exist today. They are every where. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not blessed by their love and kindness and compassion. Call the miracles or tender mercies or love notes from our Savior. I just testify that they exist. They are everywhere. We simply must look for them and acknowledge them.
God is good. He is so so good. His son is my Redeemer. And the Holy Ghost is one of my,greatest and most cherished blessings.
And this morning, as my,husband so lovingly pronounced a blessing on my,head, I felt the life saving powers of my Savior flow they my,body. I felt instantaneous peace and comfort. And I knew that know matter what happens today, one thing is for sure, miracles will occur and I will never be alone.
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