Monday, September 28, 2015

Postpone plans

Lately, as my life has been filled with surgery and hospital visits and medication changes, I have spent even more time in bed. Lots of time dealing with horrific side effects. 

Because of this, I'm even worse at canceling plans. And of not being able to commit to anything at all. So many think it is me not wanting to or not pushing myself enough or being lazy. 

That is not he case. I am in so much excruciating pain. I'm struggling to lift my head from the bed. I sleep. I sleep more. I toss. I turn. Thomas says I cry in my sleep. I move to the recliner. I move to the couch. I come back to bed. I sit outside. I move. I apply pain creams and essential oils and try to ease the pain. I struggle with sleep. I fight to keep going. 

So when I cancel and change plans or am hesitant to commit, it is simply out of my control. There are days I really miss my old life. 

I would love to wake up and know I could take a shower and wash my hair and blow it dry and still leave the house. I am in awe of what I used to do. Now, I must take a nap before I bathe. Then sleep sometimes before getting dressed. I fall into bed. I struggle for hours to regain my stamina from bathing. Then I can brush my hair. It air dries.  I cannot hold, a blow dryer. There is no possible way I can round brush it. There is no way I can leav the house after I shower and do my hair. And no possible way to put on make up. That used to be every morning without any thought. Just routine. Now, it's all I can do. 

Everything is a struggle and a choice. Do I wash my hair or walk to the couch? Do I make myself a snack or read with Hayden. Most days I only eat if someone brings me food. I can't stand long enough to make anything. Lately, I've been too sick to even get yogurt from the fridge. 

So when I cancel plans or say I can't. It isn't personal. It isn't that I don't want to,go or have fun. It is simply impossible. I am so grateful for those that understand. So grateful for the love and understanding or Hayden and Thomas. And those closest to me. So so very grateful. 

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