Saturday, January 31, 2015

Race against time

After talking to the attorney, the game plan was to go ahead and file the lien notice that Suzi has on our car. We need to get our taxes together and file and get our return back so we can get the medical treatment for Hayden before the court takes it away from us. 

We have to have Hayden's cardiac heart surgery scheduled ASAP. We must contact Mayo Clinic to schedule another EMG testing (painful and miserable for me), a tilt table test (that a less it I possible for me to walk for over a week), run automatic sweating and breathing tests along with movement disorder testing. All miserable. All painful. All just annoyingly miserable. 

But, without it, no possibility of disability approval. So I will be their monkey or Guinnea pig, and endure the miserable and debilitating testing. 

I will try to figure out our rights and find all correspondence to see what we can do to fight our fate. It's a long shot but I pray somehow we can pull a miracle off and keep the ability to at least provide the basic necessities for our family. 

There are days it feels like I might just collapse from the stress and magnitude of trials we are asked to endure. When I feel I cannot walk one more step, my loving Savior sends a tender mercy. He sends a sign or a glimmer of hope or act of generosity or kindness or love. And I know that no matter how bad it gets, we are not alone. We walk with diety. We have divine help. We have one on high who loves us perfectly even in our imperfections. 

Today the peace came in a question from Hayden. He asked about bankruptcy and I explained it was utilized since the time our Savior walked this earth. It was the year of Jubilee. When all debts prior to seven years were forgiven. A kindness and a tender mercy. Showing us that The Lord didn't want us or Need us to suffer for something we couldn't help. We are forgiven. A gift. On the seventh day we are able to rest from our labor and worldly problems. On the seventh year, we are given relief from debts and worldly monetary issues. I realized that just like the atonement, my Savior already planned a way for us to escape this medical and financial nightmare. I felt His love. I felt His mercy. I felt His tenderness. And I knew no matter what the world throws at us, we walk with the Savior. 

Subpoena served

While at the dentist fixing the last of my cracked and broken teeth, I get an urgent text from Hayden saying someone was at the door asking for me. He wouldn't answer but the guy kept pounding. He was scared. I was scared for him. I told Lisa to speed back. I was panicked and scared for my boy. He was giving me the play by play. We raced home. 

My heart skipped a beat as this man with papers in his hand walked up to me and asked my name. I had never before been served a subpoena. A summons on a lawsuit. My heart felt like it would pound so fast it would take off on its own. Then my heart skipped a beat. 

The server explained what I needed to do. When I needed to appear in court. What and who was suing us. 

I didn't know what to do. This is uncharted territory. We knew that bankruptcy was immenint. We knew there was a possibility of them coming after us. But this company had cleared things up with us. Written it off due to circumstances. Then, another company bought the loan. Probably a penny on the dollar.  They are ruthless. They will not understand nor work with us. They want to take us for all we have which isn't much these days. But, it is all we have. We have one car. We sold two and bought one. We owe on it but it looks like they are going to take our only car anyway. They want to garnish Thomas' wages. They want to ruin what is left of our lives. 

Each month, we pick and chose the meds I take based on how much money we have. We eat a lot of ramen. We don't spend money ever. We try so hard to make do. We buy all of our clothes from garage sales. I buy food from discount stores. We have sold everything worth anything. But, it isn't enough. 

We cannot declare bankruptcy yet as Hayden has heart surgery and I have to go forward with a testing regimine and fear of another surgery. With my liver shutting down, I am so scared of liver failure and needing other services. So although bankruptcy is needed, we have to endure whatever they do to us. We are praying for an understanding judge. A miracle. A help. We are praying for a door or window or something to open for us. We are praying for a way out that we do not see. We are pleading for our Savior to intervene on our behalf. 

Our job, regardless of what happens, is to have faith. Faith that whatever these debtors do to us, we will have the ability to keep our utilities on, keep our car so Thomas can get to work, pay to fill the car with gas, and pay to put food on the table. All else doesn't matter. We are praying to be strong enough to sustain this trial along with the others we are dealing with. We are pleading for help. We are praying for patience and more long suffering. We are pleading for strength. We are begging for help. Either to help the circumstances change or that we will be strong enough to endure whatever else is thrown at us. 

Regardless, we know we are not alone. The Savior loves us. And although this is so hard and it feels as if the trials are piling on quicker than we can even cope and get our heads around. The one before is still swimming in our minds and has knocked us flat and the next one hits as we try to lift our head. Yet. We know we are not alone. We have had help from our Savior each and every step of the way. And we know whatever we are asked to face, He will walk with us. He will carry us, He will lead the way and He will strengthen us so we can bear up our burdens with ease. 

And although my heart feels like it may break in half and that the world has trampled it raw, I will not give up this fight. I will continue to give my all. I will continue to praise God and my Savior. If they have faith in me that I can endure, somehow, someway, I will continue to keep walking, going, fighting and surviving. 


Seriously, I only admit this due to document our lives and what could only be truth because otherwise this would be too unbelievable. Last Monday night while laying in bed, I cracked a tooth in half. Right after flossing. It's true. I wasn't eating. I wasn't doing anything wrong. But yet. Another tooth cracked.

The dentist thinks I'm cursed. But it is my life. 

I feel like catching a break just isn't in the cards right now. For whatever reasons, I must continue to endure crazy symptoms, more complications and the pain continues on. 

My dentist is amazing. He fixed it for free. He's a good man. I'm thankful for him and his staff that truly care. It is a bright spot in an extremely irritating and frustrating situation of cracking and breaking teeth. Oh the joys. 

Saturday, January 24, 2015


How frustrated am I? 

November 12th Hayden went in for his annual cardiologist visit. The cardiologist sent Hayden for tests. Two hospitals in a day. Rush. Rush. Rush. Then stress tests and treadmill tests. We were told we would hear back prior to Thanksgiving. 

It's now February. We know Hayden needs heart surgery. Two of the four wires that are holding his sternum together have severed. One is poking into his heart and he other is poking it into his lungs. 

We are now waiting on surgery date and times and surgeons to call and waiting for what type of surgery and on and on and on. 

I'm so very very tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying to get answers and trying to get doctors to call back. 

But he is my son. I will continue to fight. I will continue to try to get answers. I will figure this out. Until then, each day I will awake and call the doctors and surgeons. And await a surgical date and time. 

I'm praying for a quick recovery. A quick surgery. And a quick time period for this to be over. 

Enrichment activity

Last Thursday was our ward's enrichment activity. I had been in bed all day. I felt I should go...I even wanted to go. But I felt awful. Then, something just outright awful happened. My heart felt as if it had been ripped and a huge black hole had been inserted right in the middle of my chest. I couldn't breathe. I felt black fluid leaking from my heart and pouring into my lungs. The world began to close in and turn black. It scared me. Terrified me. 

I called Thomas and he came right home. He walked in, saw me rocking and gave me a priesthood blessing. The promises contained therein were beautiful. As the words in the blessing were spoken, the hole in my,heart began to close. I was told that I needed to experience all things so I would know how to help others. As the blackness disappeared, I felt the need to go to the relief society activity. 

I hurried and got ready and had Thomas drop me off at the church. I was thrilled when I walked in and my friend, Carrie, was at the activity. We sat and chatted. After dinner, we played a round of "friendship dating" instead of speed dating. It was so fun. There were questions you were supposed to answer. Instead, each person that came to sit by me, said they only had a few minutes to talk with me and wanted to hear updates or my story. I was in awe as people sat and told me how my story had benefitted them or their loved ones. I was so touched. I needed that. I needed to know that my suffering or trials had some positive impact on something in life. 

I came home and Thomas asked me how it went. I told him I bore my testimony about seventeen times. He smiled. He was so glad to see the hole was closed up in my heart and I was smiling. 

I've decided when I need something that the adversary tries beating me down and wants to keep me in bed. Away from everyone. As I spoke those truths, the words in the blessing came back. "That all my be edified...." When the adversary tries to prevent me from leaving the house or going to church, he  knows I will be able to lift my spirits or be able to lift the hearts and spirits of those surrounding me. 

I'm always in awe when my Savior uses me to get His message to His other children. It is such a blessing to me as well as those I get a chance to deliver the message to. The other sisters were in awe that I knew what to say or had answers to questions they had been seeking. I loved being able to vocalize the words or feelings that our Savior is whispering thru the Holy Ghost. 

I am lucky to be in a ward I love with people I love and adore. I am lucky to have such amazing friends. And I love that my Savior loves me and those I associate with. 

Death of Maya's BFF

Maya got a monkey for Christmas from Grandma Joyce. She loves it. She carries it around, sleeps with it and loves it. 

When I walked in from enrichment night, he BFF and monkey had broken. She was sitting under the desk doing her little cry. She was so so sad. Hayden took pity on her and destuffed the monkey and gave it back to her. She was so happy to have her monkey back but was so sad it was broken. 

Oh Maya. She is a spaz. She loves new toys. She loves anything that is hers. She was so happy that her boy went to the dollar store and bought her a new monkey and BFF. She is spoiled rotten. Absolutely rotten. But we love her. She keeps us on our toes. But we absolutely LOVE her! 

My favorite things

I am an administrator on a holistic health site. We each did a list of our favorite alternative treatments. I loved having the opportunity to explain why I love my Q96 and sprays.

I love my Q! I feel better. I feel more alive. I feel more alert. It helps create a calm, greater clarity and gives me better coping skills. Best vitamins ever.
My sleep sprays. Qsleep helps me to sleep better. It helps Hayden sleep better. When I wake up at 2 am, I squirt a couple of sprays in my mouth. I'm back to sleep in 10 minutes. 

QB12 and QD3 help energize me and bring my levels up. I'm more alive because of these. The only things yet to work to bring up my levels. I love it.
Q Restore helped heal Thomas' severe burns. It helped heal my sores. Great stuff. An all natural neosporin with healing properties.
Silver spectrum. Best stuff for healing internal ailments. The flu, colds, sicknesses. And I feel better. 

So grateful for all of the natural healing that allows my body to feel better.

Our lego master

Hayden has become quite the master builder. 
He took this set and completely built it in less than 2 days. 
His goal in life: become a Lego. Master builder
Home has researched the job requirements and is now determined that he will earn a master's degree in Engineering. 
He is also trying to create a new design and submit it for the current Lego contest. If chosen, his set will be turned into a lego set and distributed by Lego as one of their sets. Definitely a bucket list idea. 

I love watching how his mind works when he is tinkering with Legos. He amazes me with his engineering and design techniques. He is creative and ingenious. I love watching his mind work. He absolutely amazes me. 

IHOP for breakfast

Before taking Jodi's kiddos home on Monday, we stopped by IHOP after my doctor appointment. I love Monday holidays that Thomas has off. I love Thomas being home. 

Tman is a spaz. He brightens our lives with joy and sunshine and happiness. Oh how I miss him since he moved so far away. 

Last week Tman woke up and told his mom, "I miss Aunt Jer. I really want to go see her." 
Jodi replied, "she lives too far away. We can't go today."  
Tman had a solution, "Let's take the shortcut".
Jodi told him there is no shortcut. 
"Why would we have moved so far away that there is no shortcut to Aunt Jer's. I need to have cuddle time with her". 
Oh how I miss my sweet boy. My cuddle buddy and little buddy. 

Hayden and Brooklyn have become the sweetest of friends. They are BFF's. They are so sweet to one another. I hope they are forever as close as they are today. I'm so grateful for Brooklyn and all that she is. She brings out he best in Hayden. She gives Hayden the experience of a sister. I cannot express my gratitude enough for her. 

My greatest regret for Hayden is he has no siblings. It breaks my heart. My siblings mens so much to me. They are my strength. They are my best friends. They are my place to fall. So I so badly want that for Hayden. It breaks my heart he doesn't have any. Not that I didn't try, I wanted a ton of kids. Lots of little brothers and sisters for my Bubba. 

Next best sweet Brooklyn to be the little sister and BFF for Hayden. Brigham and Talmage provide little brothers for Hayden. And Chad an older brother. 

Our prayers may not be answered in the ways we want but they are answered. Brooklyn, Brigham and Talmage are answers to many many prayers. Answered prayers in a way I would have never dreamed of but answered nonetheless. 

So grateful for each precious moments with these kids. 

Davis kiddos

I loved seeing Jodi's kids at the baptism. They walked in a few minutes late and Brigham came and aT on my lap and Brooklyn and Talmage headed straight to Hayden. So so cute. 

Then they all begged to stay at my house for the rest of the weekend. When Jodi told Tman he didn't have clothes, he didn't miss a beat when he said, "not a problem. Target does."  I love his solutions for everything. Brooklyn begged. Brigham wanted to see the puppies but told me he hated spending the night, which I knew. 

So Brooklyn and Tman stayed until Monday and Brigham just spent a couple of hours after the baptism with us and then went home with Jodi. 

We played games. The kids played Minecraft and infinity. We watched movies. They played Legos. We cuddled. We laughed. And my heart felt complete. 

I love these kiddos. So so so much. I have missed them like crazy. I loved them being with us. I love my bonus kids so so much. 


We love to play games. We love apples to apples or logo. Hayden's favorite is Settlers of Catan. I love ticket to ride. Etherington's favorite is Mexican Train. Thomas loves Tenzi and Farkle. Davis kids love Telestrations and Blokus. 
We were the lucky recipient of many games for Christmas. I'm excited for the many more nights of games and laughing, talking and treats, fun and friendship. 

Game nights are our favorites. 

I think my perfect night involves playing games with those I love. 

I'm excited for 2015 and the many memories to be made. I'm excited for many more fun game nights with new and old friends, those we love and cherish. 

Bring on the games!!!

Chad's birthday

Chad turned 17 years old. Oh how we love and adore Chad. One of our greatest blessings of 2014 was Chad moving in down the street. He brightens our lives. He is so great to Hayden. He is a help to Thomas. And brings so much joy to my life. I love his philosophies. I love how his mind works. I love his sense of humor. I love his OCD tendencies and funny ways he plays practical jokes on all of us. He has a heart of gold. 

We celebrated a couple of times. First Suzi and Hayden celebrated with Chad at IHOP. Hayden and Chad are so much alike. 

Then Lisa had a birthday party for him with all of us, all of her family and Bobbie and Roger. 

We celebrated with his favorites.... Wings and deviled eggs and chicken and brownie sundaes. 

I loved watching Lisa desperately try to get Chad to put the birthday hat on. Oh Chad. He is his own character that we love. 

Josh and Chad are so funny together. Josh adores his younger brother. I love watching them interact. 
Josh holds a very special place in my heart. He has brought joy to my life for over 20 years. His smile. His goofiness. His laughter. 
Chad is Chad. He received several funny shirts. We bought him one that said "despite the look on your face you continue to keep talking". Suzi gave him one that said, "sarcastic comment loading". And Katie got him one that said, "I'm not arguing, just explaining why I am right!"
Trying to get Chad to blow out candles and sing to him.... Difficult at best. He doesn't like attention. He is hilarious. 
Chad also received many many food gifts. Goldfish, chops, slim Jim's, Mountain Dew and more. 
Katie is a joy. So sweet. So calm. So absolutely amazing. 
I love the faces of Chad. I love the Etherington's and that they live a few doors down. They make our lives so much better. And bring fun and joy to our lives. 
We have Chad a candy bar poster and Mountain Dew and a shirt. My favorite was the love from the 3 Murphy Musketeers Thomas, Jerlyn and Hayden. And the two airheads, Max and Maya. 

Happy Birthday, Chad! We love and adore you. And are so grateful for the gift of you in our lives. 

Brinley's baptism

My sweet niece Brinley was baptized last Saturday. I can't believe that sweet little Brinley is 8. She was so cute doing cartwheels and back handsprings around the foyer. She hugged everyone as they walked in. She has an infectious personality. She is happy and bouncy and filled with joy. 
Hayden with Kaylee and Katelyn. Hayden loves that he is so much taller than Kaylee even though she is 2 years older. These three are so much fun together. Hayden adores these sweet girls. So do I. 
Hayden and Braden have little buddies. Talmage is absolutely precious. Braxton adores Braden just as Talmage idolizes and adores Hayden. These big boys carried these littles around at the baptism and at the celebration after. 

I love that Talmage adores Hayden. Hayden loves him. I love that when I asked Tman what he wanted for. Christmas, he replied, "whatever. Hayden is wanting". He then asked. Hayden what he wanted. Hayden replied, "lego batman 3, Minecraft, infinity 2.0, and Legos."  Talmage replied the same. I love their sweet relationship. 

I wish I would have taken a picture of Brinley in her princess baptism dress. It looked like Belle's dress in white. Layers and layers of ruffles. Big bows and white gloves. She's a character. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

What next? mercury poisoning?

Is mercury poisoning a real thing? Apparently it is. Two weeks ago, I went in for a routine dental cleaning and walked out in seizures. The next day, I had several teeth fixed. I felt awful after and laid in bed for three days moaning. I couldn't breathe. I struggled for air. I thought we were hospital bound and I just wanted to be around the Q Sciences team so badly. I knew that could help me. I prayed for relief. I received a priesthood blessing. Relief came. Temporary relief. 

It was suggested I take an entire bottle of nano silver per day for three days to help heal my body. Tht is what I did. By day two, I felt better. That compiled with the priesthood blessing and a tender mercy from the Savior and I was able to attend the Q96 conference. 

However, Saturday afternoon, as I was leaving the conference, my body was trashed. I could barely walk. I hurt so excrutiatingly much. I wanted to sit down in a ball and just sob. The ride home was torture as every bump in the road felt as if I was being hit with electrical shocks. I cried out on the car and asked for strength to make it in the house. Ok. I asked for angels to pick me up and physically carry me in as I knew my legs would collapse under the weight of body. With help, I made it to bed where I collapsed. 

I prayed for sleep.  I was exhausted. Sleep evaded me. When I get over stimulated, sleep is non-existent. Instead, I battled all night, crying into my pillow, so I wouldn't awaken Thomas, Hayden or the dogs. The night was so very long. I was miserable. My prayers were constant. I could not express where one stopped and the next began. My prayers were pleadings for relief yet knowing relief could only come in the form of death, I would then switch to asking for relief from the torment and to be buoyed up to endure the pain. I pleaded for morning where I knew I could emotionally hand the baton off to Thomad and I wouldn't have to be strong. 

Morning came after a terrible night. However, the torment didn't end. Instead, something attacked my head that I had never experienced before. It felt as if someone or something took a grip to my brain, inside my head, and began to clamp it down tighter and tighter. As it tightened, the pain grew excrutiatingly more intense. I screamed in agony. It hurt worse than any seizure or headache or stroke I had ever experienced. I grit down and begged for help from my Savior and loving. Father in Heaven. Eventually the pressure and intense pain subsided to a dull but constant migraine tyoe headache. I didn't want lights or sounds to bother me. 

The itching began. Deep intense and up reachable itching of the veins all over my body. From the top of my head into my face and neck traveling down my chest into my abdomen, wrapping around my back and down each leg, both front and back, into the center of the tops and bottom of my feet and traveled back up my legs and torso and down my arms and deep into the center of my hands and stretching into each finger. Sheer misery. Then the crawling of my skin and feelings as if being overtaken by bugs crawling inside my blood added to the intensity. 

Thomas thought I had another horrific seizure as my eye and mouth were dropping. And I had no norm to smile or blink on my right side. I just knew I was exhausted, in more pain than I had ever endured and feeling uneasy, unsure and didn't know what to do. Do I surcumb and go to the hospital where they will pump me full of antibiotics, ct scans, MRI tests and medicines galore? Or do I try to just endure? 

Knowing we had no money in the bank and that a hospital stay would only end on more debt collectors and collections, and more medicine reactions to fight and meaning I would have to go off of Q 96, the decision was easy. We pray and plead for help and just try to endure the pain and miserable symptoms. 

As the day progressed the symptoms and more fun events took place. Until that evening, when I was in complete hallucinations. I didn't recognize my own husband and son. I was reaching for things and people not in sight. I struggled to tell what was real. Thomas panicked. He called Robert down to help him administer a priesthood blessing for the healing of the sick and afflicted. That was definitely the state I was in. 

The blessing brought a couple of hours of sleep followed by a similar night to the one before. This time, I was wishing I was at the hospital and scared to death and the exhaustion and pain was wearing on me. 

Monday, I realized new symptoms. I could not read. It felt like each time I looked at the 
Age. All the letters event into a bowl and were shook up and randomly placed on the page. Nothing made sense and the letters no longer formed words. This continued for three days. 

Other symptoms grew worse. I was terrified. This was different than I ever experienced before. Then The hiccups began. Days and days and hours and hours with hiccups. Annoying and loud hiccups. 

Sunday came around and another of my teeth shattered. Literally just ruptured. Great. More money. More dental work. I was so upset. But knew I couldn't do anything. The itching and bugs crawling upped it's pain and torment to an entirely new level. Miserable to more core. The hiccups increased. I no longer was able to go to the bathroom. I was miserable. 

Dr Shiflet opened his office on Wednesday. I was there early. I explained my two weeks. He asked me questions and tested me. Mercury poisoning. I tested sky high. He treated me and I felt relief for the first time in weeks. 

I can now add mercury poisoning to my list of crazy diagnosis and experiences. It was miserable and compiled with poisoning by not being able to urinate for over three days. 

My life is crazy. It is filled with the unknown and miser are moments. Moments the alin is so bad that I wonder if I would just welcome death. I know I can't. I want more time with my family and friends. I know I am not alone. The pain is bearable only because my Savior and loving Father in Heaven walk with me. I am surrounded by my saint of a husband, Thomas and our precious son, Hayden. I am embraced in love by family and friends and ward members and those that help fulfill my priesthood blessings by being the Savior's hands here on earth. For that, I a, so vet very grateful. I cherish each day I get to walk. I'm grateful,  so grateful. 

So my world may have twists and turns and not look like others but it is mine. The craziness of it means I am still alive. Which right now is my continued goal. Stay alive. I promise to continue to fight sd endure. But I am so grateful for the moments when relief does come and I find reprieve from the miserable moments. I do feel so very blessed. 

Q96 Conference

The Q Sciences Conference was amazing. I learned an incredible amount of information. I walked away rejuvenated and ready to go set the world on fire. I was given a bottle of Q96 from a dear friend. In doing so, she changed our lives. She gave us hope. She gave me the start if healing. She was an answer to my prayers. It has been a blessing for my son. He is happier and no longer deals with debilitating anxiety. Our lives are so much better because of this amazing product. 

So to spend two full days being able to talk with the founder and his sweet wife, the head of exercise or cellusizer company, meet with the head of marketing and the CEO of Q Sciences was amazing. Each had heard my story and wanted to meet me. Really? Mostly, I loved loved loved meeting with the doctors. Both of which have agreed to help me. Dr. Moshofsky and Dr Kimberly are amazing men.  Both treated me amazing. Dr M listened and promised to help. He kept hugging me and telling me how in war he was that I was able to stand with him. These men are such great people. I admire each of them. 

I also loved being with one of my dearest and most cherished friends, Darce, for two days. She knows me so well. She knows my past, my life, the stories and holds a lifetime of joy, shed tears, heartaches, understanding and friendship. I loved sitting with her and catching up. I also love and adore her sweet mother. Renee has been a support to me since I was a young girl. She has given me the gift if feeling my mom close and been her arms to hug me and her words to comfort me and offer advice. I was able to catch up with her sweet sisters, Krystal and Sherrine. Then on Saturday, my sweet sister joined me and Thomas. 

During this time, Tony, Barb and I talked. I felt such a connection. Barb shared some valuable insight with me. She also shared her story with me. She shared similar experiences. She shared her testimony of why Q Sciences is helping me to heal and how she knows I will change many lives. She related to me the hundreds of people that have been brought into Q because of me and my story. She assured me of my place in this company and that she knew that my care was in the Lord's hands. I felt an instant connection and love for her. 

I was able to connect with the CEO and talk with such great men who gave incredible advice for me personally and how to help others. I walked away with a renewed feeling of urgency to share this message. It's a message of healing and hope. 

As I spoke with the founder, I was in the similarities I felt when sharing my story with that of the gospel. Both offer healing and hope and change. Both offer a greater calm, clarity and coping abilities. Both are given us by a loving Savior. As I felt these and so many more truths, I was determined to share with others. This product, just like the gospel of Jesus Christ has given me so much. 

I felt the call to share this amazing product that can help heal our bodies with all the nutrition inside. I love that the leaders give credit where credit is due... To our Savior. He is the Healer, Comforter and Way. I'm grateful I was able to be surrounded , uplifted and edified by such amazing and inspired leaders and management. 

I'm ready to live my life and Q It Up!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Health scares

After the Q96 conference, I had a horrible seizure, stroke or aneurysm. Oh the joys. After sitting two days at the amazing conference, my body just shut down. 

Saturday night, I could barely walk to the car. I was exhausted. I was miserable. My body was so over exhausted and over extended that I couldn't sleep. My body was jerking. I experienced unbelievable pain. By Sunday morning, I was in trouble. Serious trouble. 

My head felt as if someone took a clamp and screwed it down on my brain. The pressure was excrutiating. Worst headache ever, comparable to the stroke headache only more pressure. Vision left. My neck was extremely stiff and painful. My eye and smile drooped as it usually does with seizures. I lost my ability to use the restroom. The pain, almost unbearable. But the scariest symptoms, was the hallucinations and confusion. As the day went on, the progressed more and more.  

By Tuesday, I was concerned my vision and my ability to read would not return. I was wishing I would have gone to the hospital to have them see what actually took place and maybe they could have helped in some small way. 

As the days went on, all symptoms continued and other ones grew exceedingly more irritating. I lost the ability to go to the bathroom. I went into a full body deep itch, as if my blood were itching. Then, the hiccups began. Days and days of uncontrollable hiccups. Not for merely an hour but all day and night for almost a week. The pain continued to intensify. Weird metallic tastes invaded everything I ate. My walking deteriorated. My hallucinations continued. Paranoia set in. And anxiety made me fearful to leave my bed. These symptoms were new. Things I had not experienced before or to a greater intensity level. 

With each passing day, I grew more fearful. Yet, where to turn, I did not know. I prayed constantly for a week. I don't think thirty minutes went by without me pleading to my loving Father on Heaven for relief, comfort, answers, direction, hope and help. I simply became His child and He, my Father. It was as if I was transported back to the days of my youth, when sick, laying in bed and crying for my Dad to come home to lay next to me, take care of me, keep me safe and help me to feel better. I remember when my own dad laid down next to me, I felt safe. Like I didn't have to be strong because my dad would make it ok. I needed my Father in Heaven to wrap His loving arms around me and hold me. I need to feel safe in His arms of comfort and know that whatever had invaded my body could destroy me but not Him. I knew as long as I was in my Father in Heaven's arms, I was safe. Safe to sleep without worry of never awaking again. Safe to have my heart continue to beat and my lungs continue to fill with air. I was terrified yet knew my Savior and Father in Heaven would protect me. 

I continue to fight my way back. I am determined to fight whatever has ahold of my body and get back to where I was. Each day the fight is real. I battle to get out of bed, I struggle to find peace, I deal with horrible and debilitating pain and I mentally struggle because I am not the mom-wife-friend I so desperately want to be. 

However, I am reassured by the fact that my dear Savior comforts me. My. Father in Heaven reassures me. I am not alone, I am protected and watched out for, I am kept safe, my Savior walks with me and I am not doing this alone. I feel the prayers and strength of so many. And for that, I am truly grateful. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015


My teeth continue to be my Achilles' tendon. They constantly cause me issues and pain. So much so that I am almost going to be relieved at the day that the dentist says they must pull them all. Ok. I dread it but know it's coming and the anticipation, well, and the humiliation, is almost more than I can stand to bear. 

I have pleaded so many times with my Savior for more pain, more illness, more anything and less teeth issues. I KNoW He can. I KNOW He can stop the root issues. I KNOW miracles are possible. I am not sure why I must walk this particular road. I have dealt with kidneys and liver issues, adrenal fatigue and endocrine issues. Loss of immune system and transplants. I continue to deal with neuropathy and seizures and losing consciousness and exhaustion. I KNOW He could substitute any of those more intensely and allow my,teeth to be fine. 

But, in spite of all my pleading for Him to remove this cup, for whatever reasons that are greater than my own understanding, this path is not removable and I continue to have to walk this path. 

Somedays I sit in silence just praying. All alone. For hours on end. I search for some clarification or understanding. Any enlightenment at all. Just pleading for a change of course or an understanding or insight as to what the reason. It's not that I do not hear answers or I am ignored. Instead, the words, "Be Still and know that I am God." Come to my mind. Somedays I also hear, "Patience, Jerlyn. Thine afflictions will be but for a small moment and if thou will endure it well, I will exhault thee in high."  Regardless of the words, and however gently I'm told or how much peace comes, the words or answer is the same. This is the path I must walk. However painful. However humiliating. However humbling. This is where my Savior wants me. 

So, today, I had the dentist fix four more teeth after almost seizing in the chair in his yesterday. Or passing out and vomiting. I could tell the symptoms and knew I had to leave. Today, I was strong enough to hold my head high and endure the treatment and humiliation. And although the pain today had been bad, I was able to endure. 

Relief came in the form of a nap. A five hour nap. 

I'm grateful for my Savior and loving Father in Heaven. They walk with me on the important and scary things and on the mundane and humiliating. If I need them, and I reach out, they carry me. As I sat in the dentist chair yesterday, I pleaded for comfort, hope, peace, strength and my Savior to walk those frightening and painful moments with me. He did. My path didn't change. I had to walk it. But my Savior did not abandon me, He held me and walked those moments with me, protecting me from the seizures and loss of consciousness and kept me from getting sick on the dentist. He held me until I was safely home again. 

This trial takes my all. But I walk with angels and my Savior. They make the path and walk bearable. I am grateful for all the help and love I have here. 

Monday, January 5, 2015

Be at peace

I don't blog often about my priesthood blessings and what they say  I hold them near and dear to my heart and know they are council and guidance just for me. 

I couldn't sleep last night. I struggled terribly with one panic attack after the next. I struggled to just breathe. I head to the dentist in a couple of hours and I am mortified of my teeth. They crack. They break. There is nothing I can do. I've tried everything. Teeth are a direct mirror of your health. My teeth show every seizure, every pain, every illness, every flaw and every ounce of this trial I have been through. They are my battle wounds on the outside. Because of it, they are awful. I baby my teeth I do all I can to protect them and keep them well. However, nothing I do is enough. The effects of almost four years of illness is taking a toll. 

Each day as I vomit, I destroy them more. Each medication weakens them. Each round of treatment turns them to jelly. Each seizure causes fractures and worsening ailments. Add to that spreading tumors and jaw infections and biofilms and well.... They are awful. And I am so embarrassed. 

Today, my sweet husband awoke to me rocking in bed. Trying to just breathe and survive. The torment was intense. He laid his gentle hands on my head and pronounced a beautiful blessing. 

My loving Father in Heaven told me to hold my head high. I am valued. I am loved. That the God of Heaven and earth loves me. He is proud of me. He is proud of who I am, who I have become and how well I have continued to fight this fight. He alone knows the walk that I have walked and the burdens I have endured and carried. He alone knows of my love for Him and my continued to desire to follow His will at all costs and in all ways. He carries my burdens with me so He knows the weight thereof. I am His. 

He promised me the fiery darts of the adversary would not be able to penetrate my heart. That I would be protected from them. That my loving Father would place a shield that could not be penetrated. I would find peace and hope. And given the strength to walk with my head high. Because regardless of what the world believes, I am cherished by God and my Savior. Cherished. Loved. Held in high esteem. My God, my Father, my Comforter and my Strength is proud of who I am become and how I have continued to walk this fight. 

I am cherished. Me. Jerlyn. 
I am loved by God. Me. Jerlyn. 
I am known by God. Me. Jerlyn. 
My Father, my God is proud of me. Jerlyn. 

Those words. I didn't think they have ver penetrated so deeply into my heart. As those precious words were spoken I didn't just hear them. I felt them. My loving Father in Heaven touched my heart and let me feel the true and holy love of God. He let me know I am valued and numbered and watched over and cherished. 

I don't say this to boast but in the upmost humility. I am in awe. I also realize that I am not unique. If our Father in Heaven spoke to each of us, He would say those same things...each are numbered, each known by God, each cherished, each valued and very very loved. 

Today those truths of I am a child of God and a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, didn't just speak to my mind but those precious words and feelings and love were implanted in my heart. 

I have been wrapped in the loving arms of my Father in Heaven. Today He sent legions of angels to buoy me up and to let me feel His love. He sent angels to surround me with hope and peace and love. He sent His spirit to fill every corner of my heart. 

I am grateful for His goodness. For His willingness to comfort my aching soul. To let me know that I am enough. I matter. I am loved by my God on high. I may not accomplish all I want to or do all the things I need. But I am enough. And just how I am today is enough for my God to love me. 

And if I am enough, we all are enough. He loves us perfectly. Even when we aren't perfect. He cherishes us. He loves us. He walks the path with us. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. He stands with us. He listens to each prayer and holds us close to His heart. And He stands with us in each fight and each time we strive to accomplish His will. He cheers is on. He picks up the heavy burden and lightens the load. He shows us the way and points us to Him. He is our biggest cheerleader and fan. 

I have walked this journey with God and my Savior. I have been comforted by the Holy Ghost. I have been surrounded in the peace of  his heavenly angels. I bear witness that He lives.  I testify that He walks with us. I know that as we strive to live our lives in harmony with their teachings, we can have their protection and comfort and love. We are known by name by the upmost on high. That knowledge and understanding surrounds my heart with comfort. 

Oh how I needed those sweet sentences from my loving Father in Heaven today. I am known. I am cherished. I am His and I am loved. 

As I walk into the dentist today, I will not be embarrassed of my war wounds. I will hold my,head high because I am a daughter of. God. And if I am enough for Him then certainly I am enough for myself and those around me. 

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Goodbye 2014 welcome 2015

As we say goodbye to 2014, I have mixed emotions. So much has happened during this year that I will always remember. There are also moments I hope to erase from my memory. 

This year brought changes ... Big changes. 

We adjusted to our new home which we love. We said goodbe to my sweet sister and her family as they moved over an hour away to Glendale. It broke my heart to watch her pack her home and take such a huge piece of my heart and life with her. I have missed her and her sweet family more than I can express in words. We welcomed my dear cousin Lisa and her family to our ward, neighborhood and a new home only 7 houses down from us. We have loved having them live so close. Chad has become an extension of our family. We love him like he is our own. He has become a major help to me and Thomas, an older brother to Hayden and a joy to have in our home. We have loved our puppy Max and welcomed an other addition, sweet little Maya, to our home. She is 4 pounds of fiesty fun. She has personality and has brought much joy to our lives. 

I have endured many more illnesses and a couple jaw surgeries removing teeth, jaw bone, infections, biofilm and more. I have battled several bouts of pneumonia and bronchitis. I faced many moments of brushing death. I faced a scary allergic reaction to antibiotics that made us realize the power of the priesthood and the miracles of our Savior. I've battled to walk and survive. I have also received much help and intervention from my Savior. 

We were introduced to Q96 and Q Sciences. The company and product has changed our lives. The product has began to change both Hayden and my health for the better. It's a vitamin/mineral complex formulated for neurological health and it is changing our lives for the better. We have also had brain mapping and started neurofeedback with Hayden. We are in awe of the changes and positive advancements he has seen. He has jumped four years in reading and has overcome so much. He is healthy and happy. 

I began homeschooling Hayden in March and Hayden and I have enjoyed it so much. Hayden has improved and I have absolutely loved the time with him. He is learning at such a quick pace. I love watching how he conquers issues and problems. He has loved doing an online Minecraft homeschooling class. He has received 2 high school credit for it and has learned so much. Most of all, I love the time it gives us to dive into subjects and really gain a deeper understanding. None is as important to me as the knowledge and greater understanding we have both gained from studying the scriptures and learning more about our Savior. 

We were able to spend some quality family time together. In May we went to Oak Creek a anyone with the Davis family. We loved hanging out and playing games and soaking in the beautiful weather and nature. In January we went with Suzi to Tanque Verde Ranch. The boys were able to hike, explore, fish and we all played games and read. It was a relaxing way to start the year. 

The beach was a wonderful time, as always. Hayden has never had more fun and he hung out with his cousins the entire time. Two weeks on the beach was absolutely heavenly. I was so happy to be able to spend some quality time on the beach with my family. It was a time we will always cherish. 

We continued to downsize, sell items, sold our cars and were able to get a new one to us. We have learned how little is actually needed to live. We have learned the refiner's fire is real and sometimes we are asked to give and continue to sacrifice and see if we will remain true to our Savior and His gospel. We have tried and given our all to see the good, search for His blessings and continue to be faithful in all things. 

Hayden had the incredible opportunity to be apart of the Gilbert Temple Cultural Celebration and dance and sing for our beloved prophet. It rained and poured. Hayden learned that the Savior helps us and thru the hard times and carries us. He doesn't stop the rain or calm the storms but he strengthens His child and eases our burdens. He felt the spirit as he sang for the prophet. He gained a testimony of the prophet and a greater testimony of our Savior and the power and help of the Holy Ghost. And how The Lord answers our prayers always but not always in the ways we expect. 

Hayden had a great year filled with amazing opportunities. One of his highlights was interviewing Jamie Heinman of Mythbusters. His favorite show ever and he scored two press passes and a 40 minute interview with him. Definitely a once in a lifetime and dream come true. He has loved interning at SCC journalism department. He was able to go on several scout campouts, improved in so many areas, he is now a teenager and loving the greater independence it brings. He still loves his video games and electronics. He loves his puppies and plays with them every day. He loves Chad, his hero, living a few doors down and continues to try to help others, always. He has learned to take on greater responsibility at home and is working on mission prep in all areas, including a greater understanding of the gospel, how to teach it, laundry and cleaning skills and cooking skills. 

Thomas continues to work at CBIZ at Edward Jones and loves it he is great at his job and continues to receive glowing reviews. He is well loved at work as well at home and wherever he goes. He works as the Membership clerk at church and does missionary work because he loves it. 

Thomas and I were blessed to work with a family who became interested in the gospel. We loved helping them gain an understanding of eternal truths and come to understand that they are children of God. We closed being at their baptisms and seeing them accept Christ on their lives. We also loved being apart of the sealing of the Weeks children to them and loved being in the temple with them. It was a cherished time for us. 

We are so grateful for all we learned. We know we walked with angels, both heavenly and earthly during 2014. We were not alone. Our Savior placed many in our path to help us and bless us. We are so grateful for His love. He is so kind and merciful. He loves us and we know we are known by Him. That knowledge provides us with peace to walk the hard and scary paths of life. We know that what we do here will affect the eternities. Trials will continue to come. We will continue to face struggles and need to overcome hardships as we walk the long climb upwards and home to our Father in Heaven. We also know that like Peter, when we are asked to walk on water, we will be given the help we need to accomplish the tasks given us. He will not wait until we are drowning to help us up but will immediately stretch forth His hand as we begin to sink. We have felt His merciful power and love. We know He lives. We know He loves each of us. We have come to learn that with His help, we can accomplish whatever He asks of us. 

We are ready to start 2015, armed with the truths and strengths we gained in 2014. We know whatever rocky paths lie ahead, whatever storms we must face and whatever the refiner's fire holds in store, our Savior will walk the path with us. He will be there to help us and send His angels to build us up, strengthen us and help us to walk the path required. He will never leave us nor abandon us. For that knowledge, for that gift of understanding, for His constant care and love, we are eternally grateful. We add our witness and testimony to so many others that have walked this path before us. He lives. 

Jan 2, 2105

I made it one entire day without getting sick. With the second day of 2015 came illness, sinus infections, the flu, fevers, coughing, laryngitis and more.

I'm praying for better health in 2015. For feeling better. For greater health and more cures. This illness is temporary. I hope it leaves my body quickly and I start to heal again. Crossing my fingers as January 3rd has made me even sicker. 

But I have big plans for this year. I pray to come out of 2015 healthier and feeling better than I did coming in to 2015. 

I have goals set. I have products and medicine to help. With Q96 and all natural remedies, I am determined to figure out how to heal this body with the help if the priesthood power, miracles of my Savior and my Father in Heaven's love. 

This long term illness takes its toll n many days. My days are long and ridden with pain and torment. They are also gentle reminders that I do not walk alone. That I matter to God. I am His daughter. His beloved daughter. And there is nothing more important than that fact. I am His. 

New Year's Day

New Year's Day brought more parties and more fun. 

With Scott in town, Joyce, Kelli, Scott Hester and Victoria came over. We ate, had tons of appetizers and desserts and extended the eating frenzy. We also played Apples to Apples and talked. Everyone had a great time catching up. 

We love having Thomas' brother here. He is a great guy and Thomas has loved catching up with him and just hanging out as brothers. 

They have visited friends from high school, gone out to lunch, watched movies, made big Murphy boys breakfasts, and spent hours and hours talking. We have loved having him here. 

The New Year has started out with lots of family, love, smiles and joy! It's going to be a good year. 

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Broken hearted Momma

What do you do when your best friend says hurtful and cruel things to you? What do you do when someone does it to your precious child? 

One of Hayden's best friends called and wanted to come over on Monday. Hayden was excited. Happy and excited to have someone to playing his new video games with. Thrilled to have two days of playing video games, laughing and watching movies. 

However, things didn't go well. His friend spent the entire time on his cell phone. Then would only log on and play his own games and tell Hayden he wasn't good enough of a player to play. He continued to insult him. 

The next day things got worse. 

His friend continued to say mean comments and things went from bad to worse. Then when I told him that we were not going to the movies or anything, he really started in on Hayden. He said things that were outright despicable. He called Hayden names, he told him he didn't like him and only liked him for the perks of our home but he didn't like Hayden. 

Hayden was heartbroken. He sobbed. His best friend told him he really didn't like him. 

Things went from bad to worse. I couldn't find anyone to take him home. I separated the boys into two different rooms, me with Hayden and I hugged him and told him stories of friends hurting me. We talked of heartbreak and friends disappointing and hurting others. We talked of others hurting us when they hurt badly themselves. 

It was a sad night for my boy. A day where he felt the anger and hurt of others and the pain they can cause the innocent. 

After this said friend left, my heartbroken boy shed tears and asked if he didn't have to see his friend for a long time. I agreed it was best. 

We talked. I assured him of his worth. I assured him of how many people love and adore him. I reassured him that the mean comments made, the rude words and hurtful feelings were all actions and feelings from one hurting and trying to reflect those feelings onto one he wished he was more like. He calmed down but still felt the hurt and pain. 

My sweet boy then hugged me and thanked me for being his mom and such a perfect one for him. His tenderness melted my hurt. The anger did not encompass my boy. Instead he showed love and compassion. 

My son, my boy, my precious Hayden is amazing. I love him. He is so good. So very very good hearted. I'm the luckiest mom to have him as my teacher, my example and my strength. He is precious to me in every way. 

New Year's Eve

New Years Eve Day held tons of fun despite the freezing cold day. We had an agenda. A very good day for the boy and let him know he was loved, cherished and mattered. 

Suzi, me, Bubba, Lisa, Katie, and Josh. We went to Cinemark with reserved seats and recliners. I loved theater. We saw Into the Woods and laughed at the musical. 

That evening, Lisa, Chad, Suzi, Scott, Hayden and Thomas were going to play games and eat subs and snacks. 

Right before the festivities began, Jackson's mom called and asked if Hayden wanted Jackson to come over. Hayden was ecstatic when Jackson showed up. They had the best night. They played. They laughed. They got along great. Happiness came back into Hayden's life, smile, face, and heart. He loves every minute of the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015. 

At midnight, I was asleep cuddled up with the dogs. All of a sudden, I awoke to the sound of fireworks. Boom! Boom! Crackle! Crackle! Boom! The boys were doing fireworks right outside my door. Scared me to death. 

Happy New Years Eve!