Monday, February 15, 2016

Greatest fear

Why am I completely and utterly terrified and fearful of the dentist? Knowing in a few short hours they will put shots into me and try to surgically remove and fix teeth absolutely with all my heart an soul terrifies me. So much so that I could only go when Thomas could come. I need him to talk to the dentist and explain the issues. I need him making decisions. 

I know it's crazy. I can talk to hospitals and neurologists, discuss chemo and seizures and clinical trials and experimental procedures. I can hold my own with most specialists and endure excrutiating painful tests. I can endure spinal taps and electrical testing,EMG testing and biopsies and painful stabs.

I can deal with attorney and disability and judges and lawyers and talk to the bank about foreclosing yet a dentist. I literally would rather have my leg cut off. 

I hate teeth. I despise the problems. Yes. Now that I have been diagnosed with these new diseases, it is clear that the first place it attacks is the eyes and mouth. Teeth are susceptible as the disease literally shatters the teeth and crumbles them. It takes filings and just disinigrates them. The same fighters in my body that will not hold an iv or chemo port or stitch also will not hold a filling. Because of this, it attacks every filling and begins to disintegrate the tooth. Then it eats the nerves within the mouth. Causing horrific pain from throbbing ad zapping nerves to complete shut down as the nutrients do not get to the teeth. Add to that that I no longer have salivary glands in my mouth so dry mouth is horrific. Add seizure and pain meds. Then add daily and sometimes hourly vomiting. Add sucking on hard candy so I can swallow. Then the paralysis of the esphogus tract and dysgraphia and swallowing issues and I can only drink out of a straw. Then add chemo. Needless to say, I'm a mess. I'm a dentist nightmare. 

I'm in a new group for sjogrens disease and small fiber neuropathy and autonomic neuropathy shutdown. Almost all have complete dentures. Implants would not take. Teeth just disintegrated.  The nerves die causing no nutrients to move into the mouth. Most have spent more money on dental than anything else. And the pain. It is indescribable. It's living all day every day with an exposed nerve. A cramping jaw. Need for a root canal and unable to afford treatment. It's constant and wearing. 

Add complete anxiety attacks. Add crazy costs to an already saving and scrimping budget and it creates money stress. Treatment is more about what we can afford or better not afford than what is needed. For three years, I have told the dentist to proceed with the least expensive way possible. I've pulled teeth instead of root cans and crowns. I've patched teeth that needed crowns. I've lived with complete holes in my teeth and the pain that comes out of not being able to afford getting it fixed. I have teeth that are dead and hurting causing jaw cramps constantly but am told someday they will just disintegrate and fall out. When it does, it will be free treatment instead of $1500. So I deal with the pain. 

I've called every free or discounted dentist out there. Tried purchasing additional dental insurance. Even tried the free clinics. With my medical conditions. No help. I've tried ahccss. They no longer cover dental. Even emergency. I've tried fighting for medical coverage. All to no avail. 

So we raised money at a garage sale on Saturday. Hoping to be able to treat a couple of teeth. And get one fixed that a hole goes all the way thru my tooth and a couple of chipped teeth. Right after the garage sale, my tooth shatters. All the money we raised and then some will be required to fix this one tooth. So much for the others. 

I know I should look at it as we raised the money and had the money to fix the shattered tooth. But I was so hoping for the front teeth fixed so I can smile again and talk. I try to keep my lips together when I smile and talk to anyone outside Thomas and Hayden. It's hard. 

Like it or not, in six hours, I will have to climb in the car. I will have to drive to the dentist. I will have to force myself out of the car. I will have to go in and discuss what medically necessary. Then we will talk only major necessities. Then we will talk only the teeth that will cause issues during chemo or have the post entail of causing a heart strep infection. Then we will discuss money. We will put what we have on the line and the insurance and see how far we can get. We will beg the dentist to try and patch holes and do temporary fixes. 

I will have to endure pain. Pain from my jaw. Pain from the teeth. Pain from them not being able to give me as many numbing meds because of chemo. All the last dental work, filling cavities and drilling teeth were done with me strapped down to a chair so I could not move as much. 

I afraid that with my mouth still having sores and unhealed from the lip biopsy that the dentist cannot work on me. I realize is should quit playing this up in my mind and try to sleep. I just needed to vent. 

I need Hayden to someday understand that his mom was scared. Completely frightened. I didn't have the answers. There were thing s that made me crazy and u rational. That life was sometimes completely overwhelming and you are trying to balance and juggle so many different pieces. 

Hayden's struggles may not be teeth and money and health challenges and how to do those things with conflicting goals and no money. He may face other very real and complicated tasks some of which absolutely terrify him and push him behind his mortal limits. Things that force him to his knees and requires him to face it with his Savior and with his wife as there simply is no other possible way. He may face hard times that scare him. That make him want to throw his hands in the air and yell UNCLE. I want him to understand that it doesn't mean you are negative or don't have faith. It doesn't mean you are a failure or a risk taker. It doesn't mean there is anything. Wrong with you. 

It simply means it is one of the hardest paths the Savior can ask us to walk. There comes a time when each and every person will have to walk their own road to Golgotha. When the last thing you want to do is what is required of you. It will bring you to your. Knees and cause you to cry out to the heavens, "is there no other way?"  " please Lord. Please. If thou can, will thou please remove this cup from me. But, not my will but thine be done."  

And no matter how rough and scary and upsetting the road is at that point.  If you sincerely ask those words of our Savior. I know his response and you can be assured of our Savior's response. He will send peace and comfort. He will allow you to cry and break. But when the breaking is done and the pieces of your heart and soul and works have scattered. Our loving Savior himself will come. He will take the broken pieces. He will lovingly pick them up. He will hand them back to you. But he doesn't stop there. He sorts the broken parts and gently puts them back in and comforts each and every part of your broken heart. And although the circumstances do not change and the answer is "there is no other way. This must be faced. This must be overcome. But I will help you. You do not walk alone. You are my precious child. And I am here for you." 

And what was moments earlier was a complete and utter mess becomes a beautiful heartbreak. The situation doesn't change. The trial must be walked. The journey and long road must begin with a single step. But, as you ask the heavens above and our God above to help. Peace comes. The words, "peace and suffering will be for a night. But if thou will bear it well, I will exhault Thee on high..... I will not leave thee nor forsake thee....I stand with thee.....I will help to bear your burdens that you no longer feel them on your backs....for lo, I am with thee." 

And peace floods into your heart. And a calmness envelops you. And the fear begins to subside. And our Savior's peace fills in each empty part. Then you breathe easier as  peace takes over. You can almost feel the loving arms of our Savior wrap around you. His peace comes. His calm. And you realize that although the storm still rages, that the master of the tempest jaunt calmed his child. All of a sudden it doesn't matter what others think or what situation it is. Because you are keenly aware that the master himself. The God of heaven and earth visited you. And you remember the scriptures "I visit my children in their afflictions. And I do comfort them and bring peace." And if Hod himself is willing to lift your burden and carry it while you can rest. Let him. Don't try to take it back. Don't fight him for it. Allow our Savior to once again carry your load. It was told that our Savior went before so he would know how to succor his people in their trials. 

I testify to this. I testify that our Savior does come. He succory those  that ask. He mourns with those that mourns and comforts those that stand in need of comfort. He is truly my Savior. He knows me and I know him. And there is nothing that he cannot overcome. "Remember my son, I have overcome the world."  I testify of the divinity of our Savior. I know of his great love for me. I know I am known by my Savior and God in high. They love me. Jerlyn. They also love you, Hayden. They are aware of me in my trials and they will always be aware of you in your trials. And just when all hope is lost. They can bring it all back. Hope. Peace. Comfort. Love. Allow them to comfort you. As they have me. 

I love you, Hayden. I believe in you. You can face whatever our Savior asks. Turn to him. With his help, nothing is impossible. Even facing our biggest fears.  

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