My sister-chemo

My dear sister takes the entire day, gets up early, spends an hour and a half in traffic driving to my house, comes and sits with me while I have my chemo treatment and then turns around into traffic and drives and hour and a half back home to do everything she needs to.

Jodi being here for me is priceless. Her love. Her sacrifice. Her devotion. Her loyalty. It is something I cherish. 

Chemo is emotionally hard. As they double my dose each week, the side effects change and I experience intense nausea as well as deep bone pain. This week it has almost knocked out my ability to walk again. It is frightening. It is scary. I'm always unsure what to expect. 

Jodi enduring the first several weeks with me is a gift I am so grateful for. When she is near she helps ease my fears, calm my nerves, endure the pain more and she distracts me from the worst of it. 

With the reality now of probably having to endure chemo the rest of my life, I am going to have to learn how to deal with this alone. Just as in the beginning of the disease, Jodi and so many others dropped everything  to help me. They were there as I endured stroke rehab. They were there with Ivig. They were there with each new step. 

Then the newness wears off and it simply becomes the reality of my life. I find ways to cope and endure. I am keenly aware of the pain and torment that this disease inflicts. But, I become better at coping and just holding it in. I lay everything possible at my Savior's feet. What I cannot, I carry as best I can. 

It's now week 5. It's still awful. The pain intense. The nausea unbeatable. The brain fog well not fun. 

I am trying to figure this out. I need to figure it out. I need to endure. 

I will figure it out. How to live as best as possible with a body that doesn't do what I want. I will learn how to cope with this new phase of life as I have all previous phases. I endure because there is no other choice. 

The long road begins now. Will I be able to do this or will this be the treatment that ends it all. With the weakness of my body, the disabling features of this medicine complied with this disease, and how very tired I am, the road ahead looks bleak. 

Trying to kill a form of nerve cancer or stage 5 nerve disease plays havoc on the nerves. It doesn't just attack the damaged nerves but shocks, damages and destroys all nerves, including the emotional ones. It really is so much worse than there are words to describe. But, I've learned, with the help of others, my Savior and loved ones, that moving forward and holding on is my only option.... Despite the pain and agony.... I will cling to life, however much of a life it is, well, that is yet to be determined. 

But I will forever be grateful for the sacrifice of so many. The weeks when I could not go on that my sister helped me adjust just by being here. 

Thank you, Jodi. Those days will always be priceless to me. To the countless others, my deep gratitude. I'm not quite ready to walk alone yet, although I certainly am trying. Please be patient as I adjust to the next new phase of my life.