However, I have really bad days. Days that I wonder if this fight is worth it. It would be so much easier to throw in the towel and go home. To just surrender to this body that is struggling to live. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to get a body that no longer works to do what you need it to do.
I'm in my forties. I shouldn't have to fight and struggle to put on my own pants, to get out of the tub alone, to not be able to style my own hair, to have to have someone else button the buttons on my clothing. I shouldn't need help to get out of bed in the morning and someone to lean on to make it to the bathroom. I shouldn't have to have someone go get something out of the fridge for me because the reality is, if I tried to walk to and from the kitchen, I may honestly collapse. And I shouldn't have to have reminders for everything. To take pills, to call doctors, to rememeber my conditions and medications. And it shouldn't be such a struggle to fight for every single breath while trying not to breathe too deeply as it will cause my system to tighten up and I will not be able to breathe at all. The struggle is so real. The pain so deep. The frustration torments me.
Yet, with all those painful things I experience daily, I can honestly say that the pain from the chemo last night compiled with whatever else was going on in my body, was one of the most painful days ever. By last night(week 5 of chemo) I literally thought I might die and worse yet, I wondered if that wouldn't be a better option.
The pain was and continues to be so intense. The chemo took a toll that I was not prepared for. While battling the nausea and bone pain, I had a terrible attack. My heart, jaw, left arm, chestand back tightened and shot intense and horrific pain throughout my body. I thought it may be the end. I sobbed. And cried out in excrutiating pain. Help me. Somebody please help me.
Thomas administered a priesthood blessing that said the pain would ease. It took a while but after an hour, it was still at breaking point but not death. Most of the night was spent just rocking to try and cope with the pain. Sleep couldn't come although I tried everything from heated blankets to hot pads and ice packs to pain meds and all natural treatments. I was really concerned I was going to have to call 911. I continued to try to breathe.
By early Thursday morning, I was beyond done and felt completely out of options. I couldn't swallow as pills and minced food and even water was getting stuck. Pain meds and nausea meds were no longer an option. The intensity of the pain and torment grew.
I tried an Epsom salt bath with oils to see if any relief would come. As I got out of the tub, even with the portable heaters on, I began to violently shake and convulse. My body was no longer regulating temperature.
Thomas helped me and pulled out the electric blanket, heating pads and microwaveable heating aids. He wrapped me in the heated blanket at an 8. He had heating pads on my feet and neck to try to keep heat from escaping and added the microwaveable rice packs to top of my head and neck areas to help with pain and extreme coldness. He then piled on blankets. Nothing worked and I continued to shake.
I prayed. I pleaded for help.
This time my plea was very different from the rest. I prayed that if this could not end that death would be a welcome option.
As I thought of seriously wishing this over at any cost, I thought about what would help. I prayed for one of three things. First, sleep. If I could get a temporary break from the freezing and pain and nausea and torment, maybe I could continue to endure this. I needed a break.
Secondly, I prayed for some relief. That the suffering would be eased just to the point I could handle the extreme pain and other symptoms. And if neither of those options were possible, I was ready to let go and quit fighting and come home.
I pleaded for peace and hope and to be wrapped in our Savior's love. I prayed for some comfort to ease my heart. I took long deep breaths.
Thomas administered another blessing as I sobbed uncontrollably for help. Some relief came. It came in the form of sleep. I was able to sleep for almost two hours. Prayers answered.
I would awake to the pain at the same or slightly lesser lever. Tears came. They flowed uncontrollably.
Julie came over. Jodi called. Suzi dropped by. Hayden stayed close as he worked on schoolwork. I sobbed. I pleaded for relief in whatever form it could come. I prayed that strength would be given me so that I would be able to endure more. The pep talks helped some. Jodi pleaded for me to hang on for one more week until relief could come. I cried and cried.
Luckily crying wipes me out and the crying put me to sleep. The entire day went this way. Excrutiating pain, begging for some relief, pleading for his strength and love. Collapsing from the exhaustion and intense its of pain. Up and down and in and out I went.
Luckily, my Savior answered with a calmer peace. He allowed sleep to come over me. He allowed the insptensity of the pain to almost throw me into unconsciousness. I was so grateful for any sleep I could get. And any relief from the intensity of pain was so appreciated.
As I awoke in the late afternoon, my boy was happy as he had finished steampunking his Nerf gun with Julie. I said a quiet prayer that he was okay despite knowing his mom was slipping and unsure if she could hold on anymore. I was grateful Julie had distracted Hayden from my emotions and intensity of it all.
The doorbell rang. The most beautiful yellow bouquet of flowers was handed to me. In a mason jar. I immediately thought of my dear sister. It was as if she was hugging me right there. Then I thought of my own mother. Yellow. Bright flowers. Sunflowers and mums and purple accents. The brightness of hope. The love. It was perfect. It was hope telling me that I was not alone. It was hope begging me to hold on for one more day. It was a sign that I do matter and i am not alone. I read the card. I'm grateful for a sister that understood the torment I had just endured. I took a deep breath realizing Thomas would soon be home.
Suzi came in and hung with Hayden to allow Thomas to just take care of me. My dear neighbor Sherri that I adore brought over dinner. Grilled chicken with nothing on it for me. Mango salsa for the rest the family. Huge baked potatoes with all the fixings so I could eat bland. Veggies. And she made me fresh and hot homemade bread as it is my favorite on chemo days.
I thought of Joyce rushing out on Wednesday as my liver was hurting so bad and she took me for blood work and then lovingly sat on the couch all day too afraid to leave me. I thought of how she talked with Hayden and distracted him. How she lovingly out ice packs on me to relieve the pain.
So many wonderful people were there. As alone as I felt I truly wasn't. People were pulling for me. I am sure more prayers were spoken in my behalf than I can imagine. I believe I was told to keep fighting. Keep giving it my all and keep going despite the unbeatable odds.
Thomas spent the night rubbing my feet with lain creams and natural treatments. He used the heating pads massaged my feet and back. He sat with me. He held my hand. He patted my back. He prayed with me and for me. My son read scriptures on peace and overcoming hardships. Hayden offered the sweetest and most loving prayer, pleading for relief for his mom.
Thankfully sleep came. I was able to sleep for almost three hours. Yes, awakening was painful, but not nearly as bad as earlier. Although I have been awake for the past several hours, I was blessed to be able to take my pain meds and anti-nausea meds, making for a calmer night. I'm awake with pain, but bearable pain. I'm awake but in way less pain that the last 24 hours did.
I do know our Savior answers prayers. I know and have complete faith in his ability to take the sorrowing and heartache and provide us with complete relief. But I also know that we grow during times of trials and pushing our limits beyond what we think is earthly possible gives us the ability to handle more. So as much as wish some days to be free from this torment and earthly hell. I do know that, as the scriptures teach, "all these things shall work for my experience. And if I endure them well. I will be exhausted on high....remember! You are not yet as Job...your friends do stand by you and do not abandon you."
I am grateful for the gifts I do have. For the wonderful people I am lucky enough to refer to as my support system. I am grateful for my relationship with my loving Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. For their ability to calm me when the storm must continue to rage. And although I felt so alone today and at the complete point of dying. I know that my Savior sat with me and sent his administering Angels to be at my side. That they too prayed for me. That so many prayers and blessings were mine today.
For all of you that supported and loved me today. And any other day this week and during this trial. I am truly grateful with all my heart.
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